Healing Our Hearts

by Grace Roberts

  Now Declan was gone there were two empty spaces in my heart, and I wished so badly I could at least fill one of them. I needed to know that David loved me, that he cared about me, and that he still wanted to protect me like he had that day with Mark Dunlea. But he was all caught up in his life and teaching job at Galway University, so he hardly ever came to see me in Dublin after I moved.

  When I did go home, we never hung out together. The only times I managed to see him and Maggie was when I went home for the weekend or Christmas, and even then they were hardly ever around apart from at lunch and dinner time.

  “Fancy a snow fight?”

  The male voice by my bed startled me, and I turned back to find Colin standing right next to me, that cute grin of his spread across his face.

  “I doubt they make skiing wheelchairs,” I mumbled, just as grumpy as usual. He chuckled, deliberately ignoring my tone.

  “Don’t make up excuses: you don’t want to challenge me because you know I’m gonna thrash you, hands down. I was the best snow fighter in New York City.”

  I raised an eyebrow, amused at the way he always tried to cheer me up whenever I wanted to drown in sorrow. When I’d first arrived here at the hospital his happy-go-lucky attitude had driven me crazy; I’d hated it and wished he’d just leave me alone. He’d never be able to understand how I felt and should stop pretending he cared.

  After he told me what had happened to his parents, though, I realized we had more things in common than I’d thought. We’d felt the same overwhelming pain, and he was only trying to help me get over it using his own life experience.

  “Do you annoy all of your patients, or have I just been picked as the lucky one?”

  He grinned again. He was attractive when he did that, especially when his dimples showed up; he looked younger and more carefree, and it felt as if he were my friend rather than my physio.

  I hadn’t seen him for two days, and I’d found myself wondering more than once where he was and if he was with another girl. We’d never really gotten too personal during our chats, so I didn’t know if he was single or in a steady relationship. The thought made me feel a little uneasy but, since my parents had come to see me over the weekend, I hadn’t had much time to dwell too much on that thought—or on that weird feeling that made my heart flutter every time he was around. Now, as we engaged in further friendly banter, I realized I’d sort of missed him.

  “Hmm… let’s say you’re my new challenge, so I won’t leave you alone until I’m finished with you. You’d better start getting used to it, kiddo.”

  “That sounds scary,” I said, my eyes widening in a mock terrified expression. “I think I might ask to be assigned to another physio, just to be sure.”

  He gave a mischievous laugh and I couldn’t help but smile. His happiness was becoming contagious.

  “Whoa, is that a smile?” he asked, his eyes wide in disbelief. “The Ice Queen is starting to melt! Now I understand why it’s snowing: it’s all your fault!”

  I laughed. “I can be happy and funny, you know? At least, I used to be, before my life changed so drastically.”

  “You’re saying you were fun to be around? Hmm… I can’t picture you as the life of the party. No,” he said, shaking his head dramatically. “Definitely can’t.”

  “Well, not the life of the party, but if you asked my brother he would tell you a few stories that—” I stopped mid-sentence when I realized this was never going to happen, and the familiar lump in my throat came back as tears filled my eyes for the hundredth time since the accident. I was starting to get sick of those tears.

  He noticed the sudden mood swing and sat on my bed, looking at me with the sweet expression he put on every time he wanted to comfort me.

  “Maybe after I’m finished with you, you’ll be able to be the life of the party again.” He grinned, and a twinge of hope flickered inside my heart. “I’d like to see that, you know. Maybe I’ll throw a party just to see you go wild.”

  He winked and all the sadness was gone, just like that. I really owed him a lot. I would have to buy him a nice present once we were done with my therapy.

  “Now,” he said, getting back to his feet. “Back to us. Do you want to go out and have a snow fight with me?”

  “Are you serious?” I asked, when I noticed he wasn’t smiling. “I mean, will we be allowed to go out in the snow?”

  He shrugged, walking toward the window and checking the sky.

  “I’m your doctor so I decide what’s best for you. And I think a snow fight would cheer you up.” He turned back and stared at me, inspecting my face. “If you’re not scared of losing, that is.”

  I groaned and shook my head in exasperation, smiling in spite of myself. “You’re so self-confident, aren’t you Dr. Byrne? Guess what: I was a good snow fighter myself back in Galway, so you’d better watch out.”

  “We’ll see…” he said in a mischievous tone. “Come on, let’s get you out of bed. I’ll get your coat and we’ll be off.”

  He came close to my bed and scooped me up in his arms, putting me down in the wheelchair. Then he went to the closet and picked up my warm coat. I smiled as he helped me put it on. For the first time in days, I was finally looking forward to something.

  Chapter 10

  Colin

  January 16

  We sneaked out through the back exit, the one the staff used when they needed to go for a smoke or just to breathe air that didn’t smell of disinfectant. Nobody was there, but I pushed her quickly out of sight toward the park anyway.

  The ground was covered with snow and, obviously, deserted. I made sure she was okay and it wasn’t too cold, but the smile on her face erased all of my worries with one single stroke. I’d never seen her smile like that and it made my heart instantly warmer. I was pulling the right strings, and if I managed to keep it up she might get over her injuries faster than I’d planned.

  I came to a stop where the paved path ended and I looked around, making sure nobody was there. I wasn’t sure if this would be considered therapy by the hospital manager, and heaven forbid she caught a cold or something. Mr. McCarthy wasn’t the most easy-going person on earth and I’d be in real trouble if he found out.

  But that lovely smile made every risk worthwhile. I crouched down and she stared at me, her cheeks and nose turning rosy from the cold.

  “Now what? You’ll never be able to wheel this thing in the snow,” she said, folding her arms.

  I’d thought of it already, so I was prepared. I took out a big aluminum foil blanket, one of the ones paramedics used to keep people warm after accidents in the snow, and her eyebrows furrowed, although I could swear I’d seen a sparkle in her eyes.

  “Hold this,” I said, handing it to her. When she took it I scooped her up in my arms and walked into the snow.

  “Where are you taking me? You’re not going to drop me in the snow, are you? I could die of hypothermia and you’d be charged with murder!”

  I laughed. “Although I’m sure you’d be all right if I dropped you right here, I promise I have absolutely no intention of killing you, Ice Queen.”

  “Stop calling me that!” She pouted and I grinned.

  “Oh, I’m sorry, Your Majesty. I meant no offense. Now, put that aluminum foil on the bench, right here.”

  She looked down at the bench, which was totally covered with snow. “Shouldn’t we remove the snow first?”.

  I groaned. “I have my hands full at the moment, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

  She smiled and I suddenly forgot who I was and why I was there as my heart started fluttering in my chest.

  What’s wrong with me?

  “I can do it,” she offered, looking at me. “If you’re strong enough to hold me a little lower down, closer to the bench, I can clean it.”

  “Strong enough,” I muttered, feigning offense. “Go on, clean the snow away so we can start the fight.”

  She giggled and I was happy to see she was having fun, that she was enjo
ying our banter and our alternative therapy. I was sure she wasn’t in the right mood for a boring session in the gym today; I’d noticed she wasn’t doing well with those and so far it seemed like she had absolutely no intention of learning how to cope with her situation, with being in a wheelchair. Not yet, anyway. So I’d guessed that if she felt a little happier she might be more willing to start working on the proper exercises again, and she’d start seeing the glass as half full.

  When she was done and had put the blanket on top of the wood, I finally put her down and let out a groan.

  “Man, you really need to stop stuffing your mouth with that chocolate pudding from the food tray, girl” I teased, massaging by back as if it was sore. “It’s getting harder for me to lift you. One of these days you’re gonna break my back.”

  She smacked my arm and laughed. I stared at her, those deep blue eyes had never looked so happy, and I smiled back.

  “How am I supposed to pick up snow from here?” she asked, crossing her arms on her chest again. “It’s not as if I can crouch down, or—” I raised a hand in front of her face and she stopped mid-sentence. I knelt down, scooped up a large amount of snow and put it on next to her on the bench.

  “I’m not stupid, I had it planned. I have a degree, remember?” I said, winking at her.

  “Well, so do I, so don’t play Mr. Smarty Pants with me.” She glared at me and I couldn’t help but smile. Yep, the Ice Queen was slowly melting. I was starting to get a glimpse of the person she had been up until the day of the accident, and I was quite sure I was going to like her.

  “What are those?” she asked, pointing at the plastic bottles lined up on a table only a few feet away.

  I smirked. “That’s what our challenge is all about.” She frowned, and stared at me. “I couldn’t really get into a snow fight with you, lest you should get hurt.”

  “Yeah, right.” She rolled her eyes. “You didn’t want me to stomp all over your ego when I won the fight.”

  I chuckled. “Okay, I’ll let you think that’s the reason if it puts a smile on your face.”

  She blushed, so I turned back to ease the awkwardness.

  “Anyway, this is going to be our therapy today,” I said, making a snowball in my hands. When I faced her again, she was staring at me with knitted eyebrows. “You have a lot of repressed anger. Totally legitimate,” I added, when she stiffened, “but you need to get rid of it if you want to start feeling better. So,” I continued, crouching down next to her and handing her the snowball I had just made, “Take this ball, and hit the bottles as hard as you can. Imagine each one of them is one of the bad thoughts you’ve been having since the accident. When you knock it down, visualize that bad thought leaving your mind. Does it make sense?”

  She frowned, not taking the snowball from my hand, but staring at the bottles all the same.

  “This is stupid,” she said, turning to look at me again. “Even if I knock them all down, I won’t magically start walking again, nor will my brother come back.”

  I nodded, expecting her reaction. The Ice Queen was back again, in full force. Maybe I’d been cheering too soon.

  “I know, but you need to let go of all the anger. You’ve been holding it all inside, and you’ve got nobody to take it out on. Since you can’t go around hitting people,” I grinned and the ice slightly melted again, making the corners of her mouth curl, “you might as well take it out on those bottles. If it makes you feel better, you can pretend they’re someone you hate, someone you’d really like to hit.”

  “Can one of the bottles be you, then?”

  I turned to stare at her with wide eyes. But when I noticed the smirk on her face, I simply shrugged, bending my head in feigned resignation.

  “Whatever it takes to make you feel better.”

  She giggled and took the snowball, staring at it in her hand as if it contained the answers to all her questions. Then she sighed and tossed it toward the bottles too weakly for it to reach any of them.

  “Use your anger as a propellant, Kathleen. Think of what happened, think of all that’s been taken from you. Think of all you’ve lost. You’re angry, you have every right to be.” Her cheeks flushed and her jaw tensed while she stared at the bottles with clenched teeth. I handed her another snowball and waited for her to take it. “Your brother shouldn’t have died, you shouldn’t have ended up in a wheelchair. You had your dreams and now they’re all gone.”

  Her shoulders tensed as she took the snowball from my hand and, before I could go on winding her up, she threw the ball with a stronger and angrier shot. It hit a bottle and she sighed, as if in relief. I could tell it felt good.

  “Great shot, Icy!” I said, nodding and handing her another snowball.

  “Declan didn’t deserve to die,” she whispered, almost to herself. “That bloody driver shouldn’t have killed him!”

  She tossed another ball, stronger than before, and it hit another bottle that fell against another, leaving only one standing. She took some snow from the bench and made a bigger snowball, throwing it toward the last bottle, but missing.

  She threw another couple of snowballs missing the bottle, and when she cursed, I went to put them all back in line. When I turned back to look at her, I didn’t have time to wonder why she was grinning because a snowball hit me right on the chest, and she laughed, a cheery sound I’d never heard from her before.

  “Hey!” I shouted, just before another snowball hit me. “You should be aiming for the bottles, not me!”

  “This feels much better than knocking down bottles.”

  She laughed again and, as I took a step toward her, I managed to dodge the third snowball she’d thrown. But I couldn’t dodge the pile of snow she threw as soon as I was within her reach and I groaned in mock exasperation as another pile of wet ice hit my chest, making her laugh even harder. The sound was so good I would have stood there for hours becoming a human snowman if it kept her laughing like that.

  I shook off the snow and glared, but it didn’t intimidate her. She giggled and took more snow in her hands.

  “You were supposed to hit the bottles,” I said in a grumpy tone, although I wasn’t upset. I only wanted her to believe I was, just to tease her a little.

  “And you’d promised a snow fight,” she said in response, juggling the snowball from one hand to the other, and staring at me with a defying glare. “Don’t treat me like an invalid. I want to have a proper snow fight.”

  I sighed and sat next to her on the bench. I opened my mouth to say something, but stopped at the sound of my name in the distance.

  “Colin! I’ve been looking for you everywhere!” Judith was walking towards us and waving.

  Uh-oh. Busted.

  “Mr. Flanagan’s waiting for you in the gym.”

  I stood up and looked at my watch. Great, I was late for my next appointment. Seeing Kathleen so happy had made me lose track of time.

  “What are you doing out here in the cold, anyway? I thought you were supposed to work with Kathleen?” Then her gaze landed on Kathleen on the bench, and her face turned pale. “What is she doing here? Are you crazy? She could catch a cold or something!”

  In an instant she was by Kathleen’s side and checking her brow to feel her temperature. When she noticed Kathleen’s smile and her rosy cheeks, her shoulders relaxed a bit.

  “I’m okay,” Kathleen said, trying to reassure her. I’d noticed they’d become quite close in the last few days, and I was sure Judith almost considered her like a daughter now—a daughter she wanted to set me up with, no doubt. “I needed some fresh air, so I asked Colin if he could bring me out here. I love snow.”

  Judith nodded, then turned and waved at me to come and pick Kathleen up from the bench. I scooped her up in my arms and, while Judith picked up the aluminum blanket and the bottles, I carried Kathleen back to her wheelchair.

  “Thanks for covering for me,” I said, winking at her conspiratorially.

  “You owe me,” she said, smiling. I grinne
d and put her down in the wheelchair, then turned to Judith and asked her to take Kathleen back to her room, so I could dash to the gym, while quickly thinking of an excuse I could use with Mr. Flanagan.

  Chapter 11

  Kathleen

  January 19

  “Kathy.”

  I pulled the blanket on top of my head, pretending not to hear the voice that was calling me, and rolled on my other side.

  “Kathy.”

  No, please, not yet. It was still too early to get up. I was sure there was still an hour to go before I’d be late for school, so why had he come to wake me up now?

  “Leave me alone, Declan,” I moaned, half asleep.

  “I’m here, Kathy.”

  My eyelids fluttered open. Surrounded by a warm, white aura that lit the darkness of my hospital room my brother stood by the foot of my bed smiling at me, one of his sweet smiles I had loved so much when he was alive.

  “I’m here Kathy, I won’t leave you alone. We’ll get through all this together, I promise.”

  “Declan,” I whispered, afraid I would wake up and find it had only been a dream. “But you were…”

  “Dead? Yes, I died in the crash,” he said, as if he had been able to read my thoughts. “But I moved on to another life, a better place. Our souls live on, Kathy.”

  He kept smiling, and he got close to me until he was standing by the side of the bed. He looked peaceful and healthy.

  Tears filled my eyes and soon they started running down my cheeks before I could stop them.

  “Sweetheart, don’t cry for me; I’m doing great,” he said, smiling. I sniffled and wiped away the tears with the back of my hand.

  “Are you…?”

  “An angel?” He finished my sentence again as he looked at me, his blue eyes deeper than ever. “I’m not only an angel, Kathy. I’m your angel. I’m here to help you. I’ve been sent to cure your soul and help you fulfill your destiny.”