Healing Our Hearts

by Grace Roberts

  “Oh no, please! Don’t tell me you’re one of those girls who love watching sappy movies!” I wrinkled my nose and shook my head in feigned mockery. She pouted and stuck out her tongue at me, making me laugh.

  “Yes, I am. Sue me!”

  The attendant in the elevator let out a chuckle. “Don’t worry, Miss. You ain’t the first lady who’s said that. That’s a popular ladies’ movie.”

  Kathleen smiled at him and turned back to me with a smug grin on her face. I couldn’t help but hang my head in resignation.

  When we eventually reached the top floor, she gripped the armrests of her wheelchair, fumbling, unable to contain her excitement. A woman opened the door to the observation deck for us and I pushed her out, where a crowd of people were chatting loudly, laughing and taking pictures.

  I pushed her closer to the edge and she looked around from one side to the other in amazement; she was acting like a small girl, and I longed to hold her even more.

  “This is so amazing,” she whispered, staring up at the sky as a plane soared above our heads. I nodded, though, for me, she was way more amazing than the view.

  The sky turned darker and the shades of blue gave way to warm shades of orange and pink as the first lights of night flickered on in the buildings below.

  She watched the people around us who were looking down through the fences, and a hint of sadness passed on her face when her brow creased slightly and her shoulders slumped. I was sure she would have wanted to walk all around the deck and stare down like the other tourists were doing but she couldn’t from her wheelchair, although there were lowered viewing walls and binoculars.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, crouching beside her. When our eyes met, hers were sparkling with unshed tears.

  She nodded. “I’d told Declan we’d come up here together, once I was living in New York. I just… I feel as if he’s here with me.”

  I instinctively took her hand, feeling her tremble for a moment. She was so beautiful, so fragile, I wanted to hold her in my arms and promise I’d always be there for her, to make sure she’d be happy forever. But I didn’t say any of that.

  “Maybe he is,” I said. She frowned. “He’s in your heart, and he always will be. He’ll go wherever you go.”

  She smiled sweetly and nodded. “Thank you for today, Colin. It’s been wonderful.”

  I stood up and stretched my legs, looking at the amazing sight of the city I’d grown up in. I thought of my parents, of the times I’d come up here with them when I was a child. A lump formed in my throat and I knew I had to find a distraction before I started crying like a baby.

  “Here, let me hold you higher so you can take a better look,” I said before scooping her up in my arms. The smell of her fruity shampoo wafted in the air and hit my nostrils, making me want to kiss her right then and there.

  She held on to my neck and my skin burned where her fingers touched. What was wrong with me? Nobody had ever caused such a stir inside of me, so why her? But, most importantly: how was I ever going to get over this feeling?

  I couldn’t hold back—I didn’t want to hold back anymore. I wanted her.

  She looked down for a while, giggling when she noticed how small the people looked. She suddenly turned back to say something to me and it was then, with her face less than three inches from mine, that I lost all the self-control I’d been practicing for weeks.

  I kissed her.

  She didn’t react at first, she didn’t even wince. She froze, her lips sealed against mine, while I placed little, innocent pecks on them. Then I dared to run the tip of my tongue along her bottom lip and, as if I were living in a dream, her lips parted and I was in seventh heaven.

  I drank her in, slowly, sweetly, wanting that moment to last forever. She tasted like cotton candy, like fruit juice, like mountain dew, like snow, like summer rain.

  Man, I felt as if I were drunk. She was like a drug I wanted to be high on. She was the most amazing thing I’d ever come across and I loved her, with every single beat of my heart.

  I’d never gotten such a kick out of a kiss. I totally forgot everyone around us; all I could think of was the way her soft lips felt on mine, the burning sensation caused by her hands stroking the back of my neck and the perfect way her tongue entwined with my own in this sweet and sensual kiss.

  I was on top of the world.

  Chapter 21

  Kathleen

  March 17

  Although my mind was shouting at me to pull back, for once in my life I decided to leave common sense behind and act on pure instinct. I’d longed for weeks for him to kiss me—I was ready to admit it, now. I couldn’t deny the attraction I felt for him, the swarm of butterflies that took flight in my stomach every time his blue eyes met mine, the way my skin tingled whenever his fingertips touched it.

  When he’d tucked that strand of hair behind my ear when we were on the ferry I’d felt as if he’d scorched my cheek. It was something I’d never felt with anyone else, and it was both scary and enticing at the same time.

  I was in love with Colin; no, I was in love with my physio, and I was in a wheelchair. I was heading the right way for heartbreak.

  He was going to have some fun with me while we were here, then he’d go back to dating women who could walk as soon as we touched down in Dublin. I was probably nothing more than a holiday fling and I knew it; but right now, with his tongue exploring my mouth and my fingers tangled in his tousled hair, I didn’t want to think about anything else but the wonderful moment we were living.

  When he eventually pulled back I felt dizzy, and when he rested his brow on mine and stared into my eyes a chill traveled down my spine.

  “I know I should probably say I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t do it, because it would be a lie,” he whispered, in the softest and sexiest tone I’d ever heard him use. I smiled in spite of the awkward situation, my lips still burning from the kiss. “I know it wasn’t professional and you could very well go ahead and sue me for sexual harassment, but I don’t regret kissing you, Kathleen. I can’t bring myself to regret it—because I love you.”

  My jaw dropped open and I was sure the color had drained from my face. I felt as if I was going to faint. Had he just said he loved me?

  I didn’t know how to reply, although I knew I should say I loved him too. That this had been the most amazing day in months, and that I loved him because of all he’d done for me.

  Only a few minutes before, when I’d gone all quiet and he’d asked if I were okay, I’d been tempted to tell him Declan had talked to me. I’d been thinking of my brother ever since we’d come up to the deck and I’d telepathically told him I was sorry for not being able to be here with him, just like I’d promised the last time we’d been in New York together. Then I’d heard his voice, a whisper on the breeze:

  “You’re here Kathy; you’ve kept your promise.”

  My eyes had filled with tears and when Colin had looked at me, I’d understood I’d never be able to tell him how Declan was still part of my life if I didn’t want him to think I was crazy. Even when he’d said those sweet words to me, I knew he’d never believe me if I told him the truth, so I’d simply looked away.

  Now he’d told me he loved me and I wanted to open my heart to him. Maybe he’d understand, he’d believe me, he’d… but who was I trying to fool? A gorgeous man like him couldn’t possibly love an invalid; and, at the end of the day, that was what I was.

  “I’m in a wheelchair.”

  “Um, yeah. I kinda noticed that,” he said, looking at me with the naughtiest grin I’d ever seen on his face. In spite of the turmoil inside of me I couldn’t help but chuckle.

  “That’s not exactly what I was expecting to hear from you,” I said, as he put me back into my wheelchair. When our eyes met, my heart slammed against my ribcage with such force I thought it was going to jump out of my chest.

  “I could say the same, you know,” he whispered, adjusting the beret that was hanging crookedly on my head. �
�I confess my feelings on the top of the Empire State Building and all I get in return is ‘I’m in a wheelchair’? This is definitely not in my list of top ten romantic conversations. I’d expected a slap, even curses, but not this. I guess the Ice Queen is back, huh?”

  I looked away, blushing. I was torn between letting go and hiding inside the Ice Queen, between telling him how much I loved him and wanting to push him away.

  Ever since Declan died I’d thought I’d never be able to go back to the person I’d once been; but Colin had made his way inside my life. He’d forced me to start living again and he’d played the biggest part in my healing. Even though he hadn’t been able to heal me physically, he’d tried to glue all the pieces of my shattered heart together and he’d given me a reason to smile again—to love life in spite of everything that had happened.

  He put his finger under my chin and tilted it up so I was staring straight into his eyes, and all my defenses crumbled.

  For the first time since I’d met him I realized those gorgeous blue eyes weren’t a mirrored image of my brother’s. Right now, with the sun setting on the city that never sleeps, I finally saw who those eyes belonged to: a wonderful, caring man who’d flown all the way to New York just to give me one last chance to walk again, to bring the smile back to my face.

  He’d done so much for me and never expected anything in return. He’d always been professional and a good friend at the same time. He’d been everything my brother had been for me, and more.

  But I was scared. The feeling was too strong and I couldn’t afford to be broken hearted. I needed to let go of this amazing man before it was too late, before he realized I wasn’t worth the effort. So I said the most stupid thing I could have said.

  “Can we go back to the hotel now?”

  His eyes stared blankly at me for a moment before they turned sad. He nodded and stood up, and I thought I heard him sigh as he pushed me toward the building.

  He didn’t say a word in the elevator, nor did he speak in the taxi, and it felt dreadful. If I’d wanted to push him away it seemed I’d achieved my goal.

  Was this how it was going to be from now on? Would he never be the cheerful, funny guy he’d been before the kiss?

  He helped me out of the taxi and by the time we stopped outside my door I couldn’t take any more of his silence treatment, so I asked him to come in for a minute. His dark eyebrows shot up but he didn’t argue; he pushed me inside, then sat in the armchair next to the closet and I stopped by it so we were facing each other.

  “Are you mad at me?” As soon as the words were out I realized how childish I sounded.

  “I can’t really be mad at you for not reciprocating my feelings, can I? I’m a little too old for that.” He gave a half-hearted smile and I felt the insane urge to kiss him. “I thought you felt the same, but I guess I misread the signs. I’m sorry for kissing you, Kathleen; I had no right to.”

  “I thought you’d said you weren’t sorry?” I teased, trying to lighten the mood. I’d never felt him so distant in all the weeks I’d known him, and it made my heart ache.

  “That was before I realized you didn’t feel the same,” he deadpanned, propping his elbows on his knees and raking a hand through his hair.

  “I never said I didn’t feel the same, did I?”

  His head whipped up and he stared at me with a bewildered look that only intensified my urge to kiss him. I’d never be able to stay away from him, no matter how big the heartbreak. I needed him like air.

  “But the thing is,” I continued, knowing he was expecting an explanation, “even if I felt something for you, it would never work. Let’s be realistic, Colin. I’ll never walk again. I’ll never be normal.” I looked down at my clasped hands. As much as I hated pushing him away, as much as I’d dreamed about him falling for me, I needed to make sure he knew what he’d be giving up if he decided to be with me.

  “You’re as normal to me as any other woman,” he said, and leaned closer. I had to tear my eyes away from his, because it was getting hard to think straight with him so close. “Although I can’t deny I’d love it if you could walk again, I knew from the start what falling for you would mean and I don’t care. I mean, when I look at you, I don’t see the wheelchair, Kathleen. I see you: a beautiful, smart and sweet woman—who can even be funny, when she’s not wallowing in self-pity.”

  He winked at me with a grin, returning to his old, cheerful self, and I couldn’t help but smile.

  “But we could never do things normal couples do,” I tried to object, hoping I could knock some sense into him before we were too far gone.

  “Let’s see, normal things…” he said, tugging at his chin as if lost in thought. “We could go out to dinner, to the movies, out for a drink…” He counted on his fingers while he was listing the options, and I smirked. “We could lie on a sandy beach, stroll in a park, we could even go bungee-jumping if you wanted to.”

  Seeing his reaction I couldn’t help but wonder whether he really didn’t see it or he was just pretending to be blind, in a sort of masochistic way.

  “Well, there’s one thing in particular we wouldn’t be able to do…” I let the words linger, hoping he’d get it this time. Okay, he’d only just confessed his feelings for me and I wasn’t one to have sex on a first date, but I needed to get this subject out of my system so we both knew where we were standing. He stared at me blankly until the words sunk in and his eyes lit up.

  “Oh, that,” he said, scratching the back of his neck nervously. I’d learned it was something he did when he was at a loss for words, and I had come to love it because it made him look cute. “Well, I guess it’s not such a big deal after all.”

  I stared at him wide-eyed, my mouth agape. Was he for real?

  “Not such a big deal?” I asked, not bothering to hide my surprised tone. “You must be the only man on Earth for whom not having sex is ‘not such a big deal’.” I said, making air quotes with my fingers. I couldn’t believe it really didn’t matter to him; there must be something wrong, something he wasn’t telling me.

  Until a thought crossed my mind and everything started to make sense. Of course! All this sudden—and quite unbelievable—love for a girl in a wheelchair could only originate from his need to hide something from his colleagues.

  “Are you gay?” I asked out of the blue. His eyes almost popped out of their sockets. “Because, you know, if all you needed was a cover-up, you could simply have asked. I really wouldn’t have minded, I have nothing against—”

  “Stop, stop, stop,” He raised his hand in front of my face to shut me up and quirked one eyebrow as he looked at me. “When did this conversation take such a sharp turn? One minute I’m pouring my heart out to you, the next you’re calling me gay?”

  I opened my mouth to explain but couldn’t say a word because he sprang up from the armchair and took my face in his hands, kissing me so deeply and passionately that, oh boy, I was sure my heart would jump right out of my chest this time.

  “And, if that wasn’t enough of a confirmation for you,” he said, when he eventually pulled back and I could catch my breath, “I can give you a good few numbers of girls who’d testify for me and tell you I’m one-hundred percent straight.”

  I was dizzy and dumbfounded, so I simply looked intently at him, dazzled, until I could breathe normally again. My eyes met his and he smirked, looking quite amused by the whole situation, so I decided to play his game.

  “A good few?” I asked, arching an eyebrow. “So, are you like, a womanizer or something?”

  He shook his head and grinned, and my heart burst with joy. Boy, I loved him so much when he grinned like that! No, I’d definitely never be able to stay away from him.

  “Not really, but apparently there’s something about my accent that makes me irresistible to Irish women.”

  “Is there? I never really noticed.”

  I shrugged, pretending it didn’t have that effect on me. Although, if I had to be honest, it wasn’t just h
is accent that pulled me toward him. It was everything about him.

  “You’re the first person I’ve said ‘I love you’ to.” His tone turned serious as he changed the subject. He sat back in the armchair, looking like a shy child confessing his biggest secret. And maybe it was. “Apart from my parents and Gran, I’d never felt the need to say it to a girl. I never thought these words would feel so good on my lips, but you’ve changed me. You’ve made me feel things I thought I’d never feel. I love you—with or without the wheelchair.”

  All of my resolution flew right out the window when I heard him say those three wonderful words once again, and I realized that he really meant them. As I took his hands in mine, I decided to enjoy this wonderful feeling burning in my soul and let him play with my heart as long as he wanted. If all I was going to get was a holiday romance, well, I was glad to accept it, as long as it involved him.

  “Are you ever going to say anything, or are you going to leave me hanging like an idiot?”

  I smiled, and my hands went up to his cheeks. The day-old stubble tickled my fingers, and I had to admit I loved it. I met his eyes, feeling the tension growing stronger, knowing we needed to cool down so I could think straight.

  “I’m really sleepy,” I said, and let out a fake yawn just to tease him a little. “I think I need to take a nap, now.”

  “Ugh!” he snorted, and slumped back against the armchair, ruffling his tousled hair in mock exasperation. “You’re impossible; has anyone ever told you that?”

  I giggled and asked him to come back in a couple of hours so we could go for dinner in the hotel restaurant. When he left, something close to bliss rose from my belly. I was in love—head over heels.

  Chapter 22