Healing Our Hearts

by Grace Roberts

  I gave her a guilty smile and looked over her shoulder to check on Kathleen. Melissa had always been like a sister-in-law for me, so this kind of welcome was normal for us; but Kathleen didn’t know that, and I was afraid she might misunderstand it all. Thankfully, the expression on her face didn’t give away any feelings of jealousy or awkwardness. Melissa understood what I was thinking and quickly turned back toward Kathleen, linking arms with me.

  “Don’t mind our hugging and kissing, Kathleen; it’s all very fraternal. I promise you he’s like a brother-in-law to me,” she said in a cheerful tone, and Kathleen blushed.

  I moved away from Melissa, glowering at her and she smiled in response. As usual, she didn’t realize what she’d done wrong, and I avoided pointing out she was making my girlfriend uneasy.

  My girlfriend.

  These two words had never sounded so good. I was smiling to myself like a love-struck puppy. She’d turned my heart into marshmallows and, surprisingly, I didn’t care in the least; she could do whatever she wanted with me. This wasn’t normal for me.

  “I think I need a drink,” I said, looking at Chris for help. He nodded, walking toward the small living room behind him. I went to grab Kathleen’s chair but Melissa was there before, her hands at the ready.

  “You need some guy time and we need some girl time, so we can get to know each other,” she said, grinning at me with a rather wicked smile. Kathleen bit her bottom lip nervously, but Melissa was just like Chris: she didn’t take no for an answer, and whatever I said now would make no difference to her.

  With that, she pivoted on her heels and wheeled Kathleen into the kitchen, chatting about the recipe she was cooking, and I was left alone in the hall hoping Melissa wouldn’t be too hard on her.

  Later, when we rejoined the ladies, I was happy to see Kathleen looked much more at ease; whatever Melissa said to her had worked, and I could finally exhale. I crouched down next to Kathleen and kissed her lips softly. Whenever I looked into those sky blue eyes, I forgot everyone else around us.

  “I hope Melissa didn’t give you a hard time,” I whispered in her ear and she chuckled, shaking her head.

  “Would you help me sit?” she asked, indicating one of the chairs around the table. “I want to feel normal, for once.”

  I nodded and scooped her up in my arms, placing her gently on the plump seat cushion. When I sat next to her, Chris and Melissa were looking at me with proud smiles, just like the one parents put on when their child did something good, and I knew it was because they could see how much I loved Kathleen.

  When we were alone in the living room Chris told me how happy he was I’d found the woman of my dreams, and the fact that I didn’t let her being in a wheelchair stop me from feeling the way I did made him even prouder. He said it was high time I became a man and stopped acting like a teenager, and he hoped I realized how special she was because I wasn’t going to find another woman like her if I searched the whole world. As if I needed him to tell me that!

  We ate the delicious dinner Melissa had prepared, chatting easily about anything. Chris and Melissa enjoyed embarrassing me in front of Kathleen, telling her stories about my past—especially Chris, who particularly enjoyed telling her all the mischievous things we’d done when we were kids.

  Kathleen never stopped laughing. At one point she dabbed at her eyes with a tissue, crying with laughter from another anecdote Chris had told her. I didn’t mind being made a fool if it meant seeing her so happy.

  When it was time for the birthday cake, Melissa insisted on putting at least one candle on top of it, saying there wouldn’t be enough space for all of them. I snorted and made a face and Kathleen laughed and agreed with Melissa, making me realize that if my girlfriend and Melissa should ever become close, I might as well give up on any hope of ever winning.

  I blew out the candle and everyone cheered, singing me a happy birthday with Chris totally out of key, making my ears ache. Then it was time for pictures. Chris insisted on taking several of us all, as well as one of just me and Kathleen, together.

  In spite of my initial reaction to Chris’s suggestion of a birthday party, I was happy I’d accepted; it had been a while since I’d had so much fun. We were surprised to notice it was past midnight when we looked at the clock. Kathleen looked tired, so when I suggested we call it a night, everyone agreed.

  Chris called a taxi for us and, when we said goodbye through the open car window, Melissa made Kathleen promise we’d do this again soon, before we went back to Ireland. I was happy she and my friends had bonded. It was as if she’d met my family, in a way, and knowing they not only approved of her but also wanted to spend more time with us, filled me with joy.

  When the adrenaline wore off, Kathleen yawned and leaned her head on my chest. I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and pulled her to me. She fit so perfectly, snuggled into me, her sweet perfume filling my nostrils and making me want to freeze this moment and keep her in my arms forever. A few seconds later she fell asleep, and I stared out the window at the city lights. For the first time, I didn’t feel nostalgic, and I was sure it was because Kathleen was with me and she made me whole even when I was feeling hollow. With her in my life, maybe one day I would finally be able to be at peace with myself and forgive that sixteen-year-old kid who’d felt responsible for his parents’ death and had been determined to destroy his life. Yes, with her by my side I was sure I could.

  Chapter 27

  Kathleen

  April 11

  The weeks following Colin’s birthday passed rather quickly and soon our stay in New York came to an end.

  We were on the plane now and Colin had dozed off during the movie we were watching. I looked at him, taking in his soft, beautiful but also very manly features: the gentle line of his nose, his plump lips, his long lashes and the way his tousled brown hair curled up just under his ears. I longed to touch him, to stroke his soft curls, and run my finger along his lips. I wanted to touch him one last time because, no matter how much I loved him and how many promises he’d made, once the plane landed in Dublin we’d go our separate ways and the dream would be over.

  Colin stirred and turned toward me. I snuggled up closer to him, resting my head on his chest and pulling the blanket up to my chin. I wanted to be close to him until the very last minute, to inhale his scent and store it safely in my mind so I could remember how good it had felt to be loved by him once we were apart.

  I woke up when we started the descent into Dublin’s airport. I was wrapped in his arms and he was staring at me sweetly. I blushed and he kissed the tip of my nose, smiling.

  “You’re so cute when you’re sleeping, you know?” he said, releasing me from his hug so I could pull my backrest upright for landing.

  “You’re not so bad yourself,” I teased. He laughed, placing a soft kiss on my lips. I was going to miss those lips so desperately.

  When the plane landed, my heart broke a little. There was no going back now. My parents would be waiting and I’d go to Galway with them while Colin would stay in Dublin. I had no idea when I’d see him again.

  We’d agreed not to tell my family about us. He didn’t want them to think he’d taken advantage of the situation, or look unprofessional in their eyes. I knew he feared my dad’s reaction the most, even though I reassured him he was the sweetest man on earth. He’d have more to worry about with David.

  As we were waiting for our suitcases to show up Colin held my hands in his, our fingers intertwined, and stared at me languidly. I wanted to remember that look forever: pure and unconditional love, the kind I was sure I’d never see on anyone else’s face. I loved him more than I cared to admit, more than I wanted to allow myself, and I knew my heart would break the minute our paths parted.

  He told me he’d give me a few days alone with my family and then come over to Galway to spend a little time together whenever I was ready. I wondered if this was a subtle way of telling me he couldn’t be bothered making the first move, and that if I didn’t
want to see him anymore it was fine with him.

  His lips brushing mine brought me out of my musings and I responded eagerly to his kiss, knowing this was probably the last I was going to get. He smiled when he pulled back and scrutinized my face for a clue as to how I was feeling.

  “You are going to call me, aren’t you?” he asked, looking a little worried. I wondered if this was a trick question so I didn’t reply straight away, and his brows furrowed. “Kathleen, I don’t want to be pushy, so I will leave you alone for a while. But eventually, if you don’t call me, I’ll call whether you like it or not.”

  I smiled. “Ooh, this sounds scary.”

  He came closer to my face, wearing a very naughty grin. “You ain’t gonna get rid of me so easily, Icy,” he said huskily, waggling his eyebrows. I couldn’t help but laugh and think how much I was going to miss him calling me that.

  “I don’t intend to, New Yorker.”

  He grinned like a Cheshire cat and I brushed his cheek with my thumb, feeling the smoothness of his skin and longing to kiss him all over. I wasn’t ready to let go of him. I wasn’t ready to give up on our little fairy tale.

  When our suitcases showed up we made our way toward the exit. He stopped abruptly before the sliding doors and, before I could ask him what was wrong, he took my face in his hands and gave me one last, breathtaking kiss. I noticed the absence on my lips the second he pulled away, and I smiled broadly at him before he went behind my chair and wheeled me out through the sliding doors.

  My family was waiting for me out there and my heart broke at the thought nobody was waiting for him. I didn’t have time to dwell on that, though, because my family quickly approached us and my mum hugged me so tight I almost couldn’t breathe. We exchanged greetings and I introduced Colin to David and Maggie, whom he hadn’t met before.

  We said goodbye and as I looked at Colin walking away, I saw him mouth “call me” before giving me one of the dimpled grins I loved so much. I nodded and smiled back. When he disappeared around the corner, my heart broke. The dream was over; now it was time to go back to reality.

  Chapter 28

  Colin

  April 11

  I closed the door behind me and the silence hit me like a punch in the gut. This was my life: coming home every night to an empty apartment with nobody waiting for me. This was the life I’d enjoyed up until the moment Kathleen came into it and made everything else lose its meaning. Images of Kathleen smiling, the last look she’d given me at the airport flashed in my mind and I felt as if a big hole had opened up in my chest.

  Thinking a shower would help me get over the jet-lag and the awful feeling that had taken hold of me, I undressed and let the hot spray wash away whatever it was that had crept up.

  It didn’t help at all. I slipped into my tracksuit and, even though I knew I shouldn’t, I slumped down on my bed and fell asleep within minutes.

  When I woke up it was getting dark outside. It was raining and I shivered, so I turned on the heat and walked into the kitchen only to find there was no food apart from a box of cereal. If I wanted to eat at all I’d have to go out and buy something, so I changed into a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, and drove downtown.

  My phone rang as I was pushing the cart down the frozen foods aisle at Tesco, and my heart jumped at the thought it could be Kathleen. I was disappointed to see it was Gran.

  I apologized for not calling her to let her know I was home and suggested going over to see her the next day. When I hung up I was smiling; I’d missed Gran, and I was really looking forward to seeing her after two months. For a moment I’d almost forgotten about Kathleen, but the feeling didn’t last long and, five minutes later, I was as gloomy as before.

  After dinner I slumped on the couch and flicked through the channels, hoping I’d find some action movie or something that would keep my mind off Kathleen. Obviously the first movie I came across had to be Sleepless in Seattle. My throat constricted remembering the night we’d watched it together, so I kept flicking through until I decided to settle for Big Brother, something that wouldn’t require much attention on my side.

  When my phone beeped with an incoming message I bolted upright, and my face fell when I saw it was Chris checking I’d gotten home safe.

  Man, I needed her like air. It was insane. We’d been dating for a month and here I was, feeling like a lovesick puppy. I didn’t know what she had done to me, or how spending eight weeks alone with her had turned me into a man I didn’t recognize anymore. All I knew was that I couldn’t stop thinking of her, I couldn’t stop longing for her kiss, I couldn’t stop remembering how good she smelled, and how soft her hair was. How was I ever going to get back to my old life if all I could think about was Kathleen?

  I tried to resist the temptation but at around one in the morning, after tossing and turning restlessly in bed, I sent her a text. I wrote it and deleted it at least ten times before I decided to settle for something simple.

  I miss you already. Hope you got home safe. I love you, Icy.

  I’d told her I’d leave her alone for a while but I hadn’t been able to stick to my plan. I missed her like crazy. I’d grown used to having her next door, needing no more than a few steps to be with her, and the thought that we were a two-and-a-half-hour drive away was tearing me apart.

  When I didn’t receive a reply, I found myself hoping it was because she was asleep and hadn’t seen my text yet, and not because she was trying to ignore me. I waited another half hour then I decided to try again to get some sleep.

  I had a couple of different dreams and Kathleen starred in all of them. When I woke up around six I was cranky and moody, and wanted to scream and throw things. How could I be so in love with someone I’d dated for such a short time? This was something I’d never experienced before. This feeling I’d never be able to function without her was new to me and I wasn’t sure how to tackle it.

  A wave of nostalgia hit me, and I checked my phone again, hoping for a message from her that I didn’t find as I set out to reach Gran’s.

  Within thirty minutes I was in the car. Although I tried to concentrate on the road all I could see was her smile, her face when she was asleep, her sparkling eyes when she was happy, and at some point I had to pull over and get out of the car because I felt I was going crazy.

  When I reached Gran’s and she opened the door I enveloped her in my arms, inhaling the familiar sweet scent of her favorite violet perfume. I felt like a child seeking comfort in his grandmother’s arms, even though I towered over her by a few good inches. I’d really missed her.

  As I followed her down the corridor to the kitchen I smelled the familiar, mouth-watering apple pie and my stomach grumbled.

  “I hope the pie’s ready for eating, Gran, ’cause I’m starving.”

  I turned on the kettle while she arranged the table. She smiled as she handed me the serving plate with the cake on it. Once the tea was ready, we sat at the table and she stared at me, holding her own cup in her hands.

  I hadn’t told her about Kathleen yet but by the way her eyes beamed I was sure she knew something. She’d always managed to read my soul; I was still trying to figure out how she did it. I was pretty sure I could tell where this conversation would be going so I braced myself.

  “What do you want to know, Gran? I’ll answer all your questions, so fire away before I change my mind.” I lifted the fork and stuffed my mouth with a big chunk of pie. She smiled and took her time sipping her tea, probably thinking of what she wanted to ask first.

  “It’s Kathleen, isn’t it?” she asked bluntly. I coughed and clapped my chest, choking on the cake.

  “How do you know?” I was shocked. I’d barely spoken to her about Kathleen, and when I had it was only in a professional kind of way. Well, she knew me better than I’d thought.

  “I’m a little older than you, son; I see things.” She chuckled again and the familiar sound filled my heart with happiness. I’d missed her so much. “Your father was exactly the same aft
er he met your mother. In the weeks he’d spent in Rosses Point, wondering whether he should follow her to America or forget her, he was moping around like a lost soul—just like you are now.”

  “I’m not moping around like a lost soul!”

  She laughed. Okay, maybe I was. Just a little, though I wouldn’t admit it openly to her.

  “Of course you’re not. That’s why you have that silly look on your face.”

  Now it was my turn to laugh; I’d been busted, once again. She was a wicked old lady—in a good way, of course.

  “You’re in love this time, aren’t you? She must be a special woman, if she managed to get to your heart.”

  I took a sip of tea and thought about what she’d said. Over the years it had become clear to her I didn’t want to let anyone close. Now she was expressly telling me she knew Kathleen was different. Gran was a smart woman, no kidding.

  “I’ve never felt like this, Gran. It’s crazy, I mean… I know she’s never going to walk again, and you’ll find it hard to believe but I honestly don’t care. I know it’s gonna be tough, I know what I’m getting myself into, but it doesn’t scare me in the least. All I want is to be there for her, to take care of her and see her smile.”

  I took a deep breath. I felt better now I’d told her about my real feelings for Kathleen.

  “Does this make any sense?” I asked, a little worried when she didn’t say anything.

  She chuckled. “It does. Just too well. I’m afraid you’ve been infected by the love bug.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh at her statement.

  “Is there a cure for it? ’Cause I’m not sure I like being in love. It aches too much now that we’re apart. It feels… weird,” I said, scrunching up my nose.