Healing Our Hearts

by Grace Roberts

  I’d come here many times in the past when I was still a student. I loved the relaxed atmosphere, and looking at swans moving across the water. Besides, it was a good place to think, where I could lose myself in reveries and memories of the past.

  I used to sit on a bench and watch people pass by, wondering what their stories were and if they’d ever suffered anything close to what I had. I used to watch mothers strolling around the park with their children and I’d wonder if they loved them just as much as my mother had loved me. I used to watch couples holding hands and hugging and wondered if I’d ever get to experience that kind of happiness with anyone, knowing I probably never would. And here I was now, with the person I considered the love of my life.

  I knew I wasn’t the man I used to be. She’d changed me; in little more than five months she had turned my life upside-down, opening old wounds and partially healing them. She could never bring back my parents or erase my guilt but she’d showed me I could love and be loved in return, and this in itself was a kind of miracle.

  “Are you getting bored?” she asked, bringing me out of my thoughts. She was frowning, and I immediately shook my head and smiled.

  “Not at all. I was just… reminiscing,” I said, bending down to kiss her lips.

  “About all the girls you used to bring here?”

  I laughed, shaking my head again. I took her hands and crouched down, bringing them to my mouth. I kissed her palms then placed them on my cheeks and closed my eyes, enjoying the softness and warmth of her touch.

  “You’re the first one I’ve ever been here with. This was my thinking place, so I always came here on my own.”

  She seemed okay with the explanation and I was glad she didn’t ask what I came here to think about because I really didn’t feel like going there right now. I needed to keep those feelings locked away in the recesses of my mind where they belonged. When I was with Kathleen I wanted to be happy and in love, not gloomy and miserable.

  We strolled around the park for a little while longer, neither of us feeling the need to say anything. She was enjoying taking it all in and I was enjoying simply knowing she was here with me. I didn’t need anything else.

  Chapter 33

  Kathleen

  June 23

  It had been a wonderful day, and I’d loved every fun, relaxing, romantic minute of it—even hearing Colin sing traditional Irish songs after dinner with the strongest American accent he’d ever used. I’d laughed so hard, I had to hold my stomach to stifle the cramps.

  When he decided his performance had lasted long enough, we went back toward the parking lot. As Colin wheeled me down the narrow alleys, I looked around at the vibrant atmosphere in Temple Bar, a mixture of tourists, young people, and street artists, and I remembered the days when Declan and our college friends had walked down those same narrow, paved streets, enjoying Dublin’s nightlife. It was all gone now, all lost.

  I closed my eyes as I thought of Declan. I was sure he and Colin would have been great friends since they were very similar in many ways. After his behavior earlier today I wasn’t too sure David liked Colin, but I really wanted him to.

  I was sure now more than ever that I didn’t want to let go of Colin. Today he’d proven once again that my life didn’t have to be different from everyone else’s just because I was in a wheelchair, and that I could still have fun and spend time with him despite my condition. He was still serious about us, and so was I, but I lived on the opposite coast of the country, and I didn’t really want him to have to drive all the way to Galway every weekend, nor could I ask David to drive me to Dublin all the time—and using public transport was out of the question.

  Maybe I could Annie if she’d consider taking me back in the one-story cottage I used to share with her. It was close to Colin’s neighborhood and, although she lived there with her boyfriend now, it had two bedrooms and two bathrooms, and I’d learned to be independent. Living away from my family didn’t scare me anymore, and it would be fun to spend some time with Annie again. I could have a real future instead of brooding over my life, waiting for the day I’d die.

  “Babe?” Colin interrupted my musing. I looked up at him, realizing we’d reached the car and he was ready to help me get inside. “Are you okay? You’ve gone all quiet…”

  I smiled and nodded, then held out my arms to show him I was ready for him to scoop me up; it was the only thing I loved about not being able to walk.

  We didn’t talk during the short drive to his apartment. I stared out the car window at the city lights and went over all the events of the day, looking forward to my move to Dublin.

  Once we reached his place, Colin went into the kitchen to make tea, so I looked around the living room, taking in all the small things that would tell me more about him. It was quite neat and tidy for a bachelor’s apartment and the simple, minimalistic style of everything mirrored his personality. Again I was reminded of my brother, who’d always been the tidiest of us kids. There was a plasma screen with a DVD player on a low cupboard, a blue two-seater couch with a couple of beige scatter pillows, a coffee table beside it, and a cherry wood bookcase next to the window, filled to the top with books and CDs. I noticed something familiar on the shelf and I wheeled myself toward it to take a better look. I smiled when I saw it was the picture of us on the ferry to Liberty Island, displayed in a beautiful silver frame with shamrocks all around it.

  “Inspecting my house for proof of other women?”

  I gave a start at Colin’s voice coming from behind me, and I turned to find him looking at me with a smirk. When he saw I was holding the silver frame, his smile turned softer and he crouched down next to me, handing me a mug.

  “I have the same picture on my computer desktop,” I said, smiling. He kissed the tip of my nose, then took a sip of tea.

  “I decided to put pictures of you everywhere so I’d see your face all the time, no matter where I was.” I leaned closer to his face and kissed him softly. He put the mug on the floor and deepened the kiss, causing my stomach to do somersaults.

  “Drink your tea.” His voice was low, nearly a growl. “So we can carry on this very interesting conversation elsewhere.”

  I giggled and put the frame back on the shelf, gulping down my tea, which was luckily cold enough to prevent any major scalds.

  Colin waited outside his bedroom while I put on my pajamas and, when I told him I was decent, he walked in with a raised eyebrow and a naughty grin, which made his lovely dimples stand out even more.

  “I was hoping I’d find you in a sexy silk nightgown, not a Goofy suit,” he said, coming toward me in only a T-shirt and a pair of black boxers.

  Mouthwatering.

  That was the first word that came to my mind, and my cheeks flushed red-hot. He noticed my expression and smirked.

  “Sorry, I don’t own pajamas.” He lifted a shoulder, then waggled his eyebrows. “And I thought sleeping in my birthday suit with you in my bed wouldn’t be a smart idea at all.”

  If possible, my cheeks turned even hotter and he laughed, plopping down next to me and pulling me close.

  “Just kidding, babe,” he said sweetly, before brushing my lips with his. “And for the record, I think you’re sexy, even in your pajamas.”

  I leaned against him, resting my head on his chest, and his strong arms encircled me. My throat constricted at the thought of having to leave him tomorrow. We hugged each other in silence for a few minutes, until he eventually pulled back and brushed my cheek.

  “I can’t believe you’re here, sitting on my bed. It feels too good to be true,” he said, removing the band from my hair and releasing it from the ponytail. He gently stroked the strands, as if he was afraid to hurt me. “I’ve missed you so much, Icy.”

  “I’ve missed you, too,” I whispered. I’d always tried to hide my real feelings over the past few months. I’d been lying to him and I’d been lying to myself, but I was done with it now. Heartbreak or not, I was going to enjoy whatever I could get, be i
t a week, a month or forever with him. Live for the moment would be my motto from now on.

  “Come here, now.” He slid on the bed until he was leaning against the headboard, and he pulled me toward him. Then he wrapped his arm around me and I snuggled in closer, wishing I could stop time and just stay like that forever.

  Chapter 34

  Colin

  June 23

  Sitting on my bed with my arm wrapped around Kathleen’s shoulders felt like the most natural thing in the world. I’d never sat on my bed chatting to a girl before, but with Kathleen it felt just right. I didn’t really mind that we couldn’t do what I usually did on my bed with a girl. I loved feeling her warm body next to mine, her head and hand on my chest, my chin resting on the top of her head—it felt natural, cozy, familiar. The thought that in twenty-four hours she’d be on her way back to Galway made me feel like screaming. I wanted to treasure every single minute of our time together, and if she wanted to do it talking all night through, I’d sit here and just listen to her. I loved her back when she hid herself behind the Ice Queen mask and I had to pull words out of her mouth; I loved her even more now she’d opened up and was almost a chatterbox at times. I simply loved having her here with me: in my apartment, in my bed, in my arms. In my life.

  I couldn’t tell how long she’d been talking without me saying anything more than an assertive “Mmm,” to let her know that I was still awake, but I’d totally lost myself in her voice, in her scent, in her warmth, and I’d missed half of the things she’d said.

  “Colin?” she asked, and I stared down at her, snapping out of my musings. “Did you even listen to a word I just said?”

  Her big blue eyes searched mine for a clue, and I knew I’d been busted. I felt like I was back in high school when the teacher had asked me to repeat what he’d just said after Chris and I had been caught exchanging crumpled paper notes to keep from falling asleep during class.

  “Sorry, babe; your voice is kinda mesmerizing, so I guess I drifted off for a moment,” I said in all honesty. A hint of hurt and disappointment flashed in her eyes.

  “Do you mean I’m making you drowsy?” Her bottom lip stuck out in an adorable pout, and I shook my head, smiling. I kissed her brow, moved down to the tip of her nose and lingered on her lips for a while.

  “No, I mean you’re casting a spell on me,” I whispered, resting my forehead on hers and closing my eyes so I wouldn’t be tempted to kiss those gorgeous lips again. “You’re like a siren, clouding my mind with your lilting voice. When I’m with you I suddenly lose all of my willpower, and I become a puppet in your hands. You can do whatever you want with me.”

  She gave a hearty laugh and wrapped her arm around my waist, pulling me closer and resting her head on my chest again. I just loved feeling her so close.

  “I don’t want your mind to be clouded; I want you to be fully aware of what I just said.” Her breath seeping through my cotton T-shirt and heating my skin caused my whole body to quiver. My hormones rushed around in a frenzy.

  Keep focusing on her words, Colin. Just keep focusing.

  “You have my full attention,” I said, hoping she would stop speaking against my chest so I could hear at least one word she was saying. She looked up at me with a smile.

  “I said, I’ve been thinking maybe I could move back to Dublin, you know, into my old house in Raheny.” My heart did a triple somersault in my chest. “I’d have to ask my friend if she’d take me back, since she’s living with her boyfriend now, but I wanted to make sure it’d be okay with you, too.”

  Was she kidding? Was she really asking if I wanted her to move back to Dublin, only three miles from my apartment? It would mean I could see her everyday after work. Maybe we could have dinner together and I could pick her up and take her to my place and…

  “Colin?” She interrupted my reverie. “Where did you go again? I’m not going to repeat it a third time!”

  “Don’t worry, I heard you this time.” I grinned, and her shoulders relaxed, although there was still the hint of a frown on her beautiful face, as she waited for my answer. “I’m not sure the other girls would be happy to share me with you during the week, but I guess I can sort that out somehow.”

  She rolled her eyes and punched my chest lightly. I laughed, taking her in my arms and pulling her up so she was sitting on my lap. I couldn’t think of a better way to end this amazing day than knowing she’d be five minutes away from me in the near future. I wasn’t even tired anymore; this girl was like a drug to my system, like pure caffeine.

  “Kathleen,” I said, turning serious and looking her straight in the eye, “this is the best idea you’ve come up with since I met you. The commute to Galway just to kiss you goodnight would have killed me.”

  I grinned and tilted my head to the side, getting closer to her mouth. She stopped me just a second before we touched, putting a finger to my lips.

  “So you mean you’d be coming to kiss me goodnight if I moved back?” The naughty look in her eyes made me smile. I nodded. “Every single night?”

  “Well, if it’s not too late when the other girls leave, I will.”

  She glowered at me and I grinned, before kissing the tip of her nose. “Every single night of my life. I promise, babe.”

  “Well, then I guess we have a deal, New Yorker.” She smiled and extended her hand for me to take. We shook, like two people who’d just finalized a six-figure deal.

  When I let go of her hand I moved closer to her face again, wanting to steal that kiss she’d just stopped me from claiming. She didn’t object this time.

  Every single night of my life.

  The words rang in my ears like a sweet melody; funny how the word forever didn’t scare me anymore.

  “Colin?” she asked when she pulled back, almost breathless from our kiss. “Do you have ice cream?”

  My eyes fluttered open and I stared at her with my head tilted to the side, although I couldn’t prevent my lips from curving up in a smirk. “Ice cream?” I asked, and she nodded, blushing a little. “Why, are you having pregnancy cravings or something? Because if you are, then I can definitely say I’m not the father!”

  Her cheeks turned bright red and she smacked my shoulder. I laughed. I’d never get tired of teasing her—I loved her reactions too much.

  “Never mind.” She looked away and pushed herself off me. I grabbed her by the waist and pulled her back in place, wrapping her in my arms.

  “I was just teasing you, babe,” I said, nuzzling her neck and feeling her shiver in my arms. “But I’m afraid I don’t have any. I can go out and buy you a pint, though—it’s not even ten, so I’m sure I can find a shop still open.”

  She shook her head, and her hair tickled my neck. “It’s no big deal, really. I just felt like having some, but you don’t have too worry about it.”

  “It’s okay, I’ll go,” I said, sliding her back onto the mattress and taking her face in my hands. “I’d do anything for you, babe.” I winked and she gave me one of her gorgeous smiles, which made the thought of having to get dressed and drive around in the city worth the effort.

  “Thanks,” she said, almost sheepishly, and it took all my willpower not to slump back down onto the bed and smother her with kisses.

  “Just don’t fall asleep while I’m away, okay? I’m not done with cuddles yet.”

  She nodded, still smiling. I slipped into my jeans and grabbed my denim jacket, and after stealing one last kiss, I left the apartment.

  Chapter 35

  Kathleen

  June 23

  I felt guilty sending Colin out on a quest for ice cream and I loved him even more for the way he never failed to show me how much he cared for me. I couldn’t wait to move back to Dublin and spend every night with him, even just to watch a movie or eat together at his place or mine.

  But what if living so close to each other will cause our relationship to wither?

  The thought hit me unexpectedly, like a punch in the gut, leaving me breat
hless. Sure, we’d lived close to each other twenty-four-seven for eight weeks, but when we were in New York we’d always clung to the small flicker of hope I might walk again and that we’d eventually have a normal life together as a couple. Now things were final, and we both knew I’d spend the rest of my life in that wheelchair—would he still be willing to give up on all the fun parts just to look after his invalid girlfriend? And if things didn’t work between us, would I be able to cope? Would I be strong enough to live an independent life all by myself or would I just fall apart and have to go back to living with my parents again?

  The old feelings of dread and fear I’d repressed after the wonderful day I’d spent with Colin came crawling back into my mind, entwining my heart like poison ivy and making me feel lost. My heart thudded in my chest and beads of perspiration formed on my brow, while cold shivers ran down my spine. I tried to take long deep breaths and kept repeating in my head that Colin loved me.

  Because he does love me. He’s proven it in so many ways. He won’t leave me.

  I’d never had panic attacks in my life, but ever since Declan died I found myself gasping for air at the most unexpected times. I didn’t know whether these were real attacks or simple anxiety, but I knew I hated them.

  Keep breathing. Keep breathing.

  The awful knot in my throat didn’t leave, the rock crushing my chest didn’t shift. Tears filled my eyes. This time it was really bad, worse than any other and, before I even realized, I was calling my brother’s name, knowing he was the only one who could help me right now. I needed him more than ever.