Healing Our Hearts

by Grace Roberts

  I closed my eyes as tears stained my cheeks and the salty taste on my lips reminded me of the day of the funeral, of the days I spent in hospital, of all the times I’d tasted my own heartbreak. Sometimes I still thought it would’ve been better if I’d died in that car crash. At least I’d be with my brother now, and I wouldn’t feel so miserable.

  I stifled a sob, and the curtain swished. Before I could say his name again, a feeling of warmth burnt my hand, and peace filled my soul. I opened my eyes and he was there, sitting on the bed, his hand covering mine.

  “I’m here, Kathy; don’t be afraid.” His voice sounded like a beautiful song to my ears. I nodded, as the feeling of constriction in my chest and throat eased.

  “I’m not afraid if you’re with me.”

  I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, feeling better with each intake. When I opened my eyes again and looked at him, a frown creased his soft features.

  “Kathy, it wouldn’t have been better if you’d died in the accident. You weren’t meant to die, so stop wishing you had.” I flinched at his sour tone. I kept forgetting he could hear my thoughts.

  “Are you trying to tell me you were meant to die?”

  “They had other plans for me; my time on Earth was up. You and Colin were meant to meet and I’ve served as a means to make that happen.”

  My heart skipped a beat and blood boiled in my veins. Was he trying to tell me I’d lost him just so Colin and I could be together? How was that supposed to give me comfort? I looked at him, angry and betrayed, and his smile didn’t make me feel better this time.

  “Don’t be mad at me, sweetheart,” he said, but I couldn’t listen to him this time. I was so angry my jaw hurt from the way I was clenching it. “I didn’t want to leave you but it wasn’t up to me to decide. It was just how things were meant to be. I’m okay with that now, and I want you to understand.”

  “How? How am I supposed to understand you had to die so I could meet a stranger? How is that supposed to make sense? I wanted to go to New York with you, I wanted to have you in my life! I could’ve lived without Colin, especially since I didn’t even know he existed.” My voice was nearly a growl and though I was trying not to sound like a spoiled child, my tone didn’t really help my cause. “I can’t live without you; I don’t want to live without you. I’d give up on Colin any time if I could have you back.”

  “You can’t, Kathy. He’s part of your life and you’re part of his. Your paths were meant to cross sooner or later.” His tone was calm, as if my stupid behavior wasn’t annoying him in the least. It made me even more cross.

  “Then I could have broken a leg or an arm, if all they wanted was for us to meet. Why did they have to take you away from me? Why?” I asked through gritted teeth, not even sure who the “they” I was referring to were. All I knew was that somebody up there had intentionally killed my brother, as a part of a master plan I hadn’t known of until tonight.

  I wished I could fling my arms around his neck and let him hold me tight, the way he used to when I was a child. The realization I could never do that again burned in my stomach, making me feel sick.

  “Kathy, please, listen to me,” he whispered in a soft, smooth tone, and although I was mad at him, at everyone, I couldn’t help but obey. His voice had a mesmerizing effect on me. “You’ve got to stop hurting now, Kathy. You’ve got to stop blaming the whole universe for what happened. You can’t take it back; nobody can. You won’t bring me back to life if you throw yours away.”

  I snorted and, for the first time since the accident, I saw him scowl at me, just like he used to do when he was alive. Then, as suddenly as it had appeared, the scowl was gone.

  “All this had to happen because you both had to learn a lesson.”

  I knitted my brows, puzzled.

  “You had to learn you can’t do everything by yourself, that sometimes you need to ask for help.” He smiled, reminding me how stubborn I’d always been and how I’d always wanted to play the part of Wonder Woman before I ended up in a wheelchair. Now I needed everyone’s help for the most stupid little things. “And you had to learn to trust men after that lad broke your heart in college. If you and Colin met in a pub, you’d never have believed his love for you was true. But he’s showing you he loves you unconditionally, in spite of your condition; is there better proof of true love?”

  “What about Colin? What did he have to learn, then?” I asked, skeptically. He smiled at me, not at all bothered by my annoying childish behavior.

  “He had to learn to love.”

  I raised my eyebrows and stared into his blue eyes, feeling as if they could read inside my very soul. They were so deep I almost couldn’t blink, and I remembered something I used to say, many years ago: that I would only marry someone who had eyes as blue as my brother’s. Funny how the first thing I’d noticed when I met Colin were how his eyes reminded me of Declan’s.

  “He’s had quite a few girls before me, Declan; I don’t think he needs to learn that.”

  He shook his head, the smile never leaving his face. “He’d built a wall around his heart and he’d never let anyone in. He’s never loved anyone; not a single girl he’s dated in the past has meant a thing to him. You’re the first one who got to his heart, who made him see what true love is. You’ve given him something he’d given up on long ago.”

  I still wasn’t totally convinced this was true or that he was right about Colin, so I shrugged and looked away, wondering what I should make of this conversation. I’d only wanted Declan to be with me tonight and help me get that awful rock off my chest; I hadn’t asked for my brother to analyze my relationship with Colin and give me more things to worry about.

  “Kathy, you two were meant to be. He’s going to fill the hole in your heart and you’re going to heal his wounds.”

  I frowned. He was starting to speak in riddles and I didn’t like it. It made me feel uneasy.

  “You’re not the only one who’s wounded, Kathy. I can help you get back on your feet, but you’ve got to stop pushing him away. You need him and he needs you. You were meant to meet, you were meant to fall for each other; it all happened for a reason.”

  I still couldn’t grasp the meaning of his words. It all seemed a bunch of nonsense to me. I looked up at him, and he was smiling.

  “I’m not talking nonsense, Kathy.” He scowled, and I blushed. “You’re just pretending to be deaf—you don’t want to understand. Don’t push him away, Kathy; you’re the only one who can heal him.”

  Declan came closer and the heat radiating from him, from the white aura that encircled his body warmed me. It felt good, reassuring, comforting—just like when he was alive and held me in his arms.

  “His heart still aches for his parents. He’s grown up, he’s playing cool, but deep down he still longs to turn back the hands of time and be on that plane with them. He shouldn’t feel guilty, though: they’re not mad at him.”

  I winced. “They…?”

  He nodded, smiling sweetly at me. “They’re up there with me. They wanted to tell him, but they couldn’t. I’ve been allowed to talk to you to help you fulfill your destiny. Not all of us are allowed to show ourselves.”

  He was talking as if he’d been an angel forever, and the thought made me smile. He’d always been my guardian angel when he was alive; it was no wonder he was now, too.

  “They have a message for him and I want you to tell him.”

  “Tell Colin I’ve been speaking to my dead brother? I don’t think so, Deco. He’ll think I’ve gone crazy,” I said, shaking my head. He chuckled lightly and looked me straight in the eye; his baby blues were almost piercing my soul.

  “He loves you, Kathy. He loves you very much; he’ll believe once you get back on your feet.”

  He sat on the bed next to me. I didn’t feel his weight on the mattress, only his warmth and his light. He looked at me and smiled, one of those sweet, loving smiles I used to adore.

  When he put a hand on the top of my head I felt as if
my body had been set on fire, so I flinched. The peace I had felt only seconds ago turned into fear.

  What’s happening to me?

  “Do you trust me?” he asked. As my eyes met his I couldn’t help but nod. He’d never lied to me when he was alive, I was sure he wasn’t going to start now.

  I closed my eyes when he put his hand on my head again and I decided to let him do whatever he wanted. After all, I wasn’t really scared of dying; if I did, I’d be with him again, and that was enough to make me almost look forward to that moment.

  “Stop it, young lady!” he chided, and I opened my eyes to look at him. “You’re not going to die anytime soon, so stop wishing you would.”

  I blushed and closed my eyes, feeling guilty for the stupid thought. I realized the warmth I’d been feeling on my head was now moving down my body until it reached my legs and, suddenly, my toes began to tingle.

  “Can you feel it, Kathy?” he asked, his voice barely a whisper. “This is what faith’s all about.”

  I nodded, my eyes still closed. I could feel it; I could feel every single nerve in my feet react to the heat. I tried to move my toes and winced when they did. Was I dreaming? I looked up at Declan with wide eyes. His smile was the confirmation I needed.

  “You’re healed.”

  I couldn’t bring myself to believe he was telling me the truth. I had resigned myself to being stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of my life and now I could actually feel my toes and my legs.

  It felt weird, almost unreal. I tried to move my legs to get out of bed and, to my great surprise, they did.

  It’s a miracle.

  Declan nodded, reading my thoughts. He urged me to get up.

  “I don’t want to fall flat on my face,” I said, afraid I was overestimating myself and I’d end up falling down and breaking something.

  “I’m here; I won’t let you fall, Kathy.”

  It was all I needed. My brother had always been there for me, he’d always taken care of me and he would now too.

  I pushed myself up with my hands and, when I saw I was actually standing on my own two feet, I squealed with joy. Declan laughed—I’d missed that laugh so much—and I turned back to look at him. He motioned for me to take a few steps.

  And so I did. I moved my right foot tentatively, then my left; my right again and my left, and with every step I felt more confident. I felt reborn.

  “Come back here, now. Don’t go overboard. You’ve got plenty of time to work on that with Colin and get back in shape.”

  I turned back and nodded, feeling a little tired already, although I’d only taken a couple of steps. When I slumped back down on the bed, he came close to me again and touched my hand, the familiar peace pervading my body.

  “There’s something you need to do, now,” he said, his voice deep and soft. “You’ll have to speak to Colin, tell him the truth about how I healed you. And no, he won’t think you’ve gone crazy,” he said with a smile on his face, reading my thoughts. “You’ve got to give him a message from his parents.”

  “But—” I tried to cut in, but when he raised a hand to stop me I shut my mouth.

  “They love him very much and they’re very proud of the man he’s become. They want him to stop thinking he should’ve been on that plane. It wasn’t his time to die, he had to grow up and meet you. It all happened for a reason. He would never have moved to Ireland, never have become a physiotherapist, and never have met you otherwise. They’re doing great up there, so he doesn’t have to worry about them.”

  “He’ll never believe me.”

  “Love works miracles, Kathy. He’ll believe you, because he loves you,” he said steadfastly, and I blushed. It still felt a little weird to talk about Colin with him. “Once you’ve sorted this out with Colin, you can finally go back to your life, to your plans. You’ll write that book you’ve always said you’d write. You said you needed to find the inspiration. Let your life inspire you.”

  “Are you saying I should write a book about angels?” I asked, not sure it was a good idea. Nobody would believe me. People would think I’d gone crazy.

  “Then let them. If they don’t want to believe, they can think it’s fiction. This is what you’ve always wanted to do. I know you can do this. I have faith in you, little sister.”

  I stared at him, lost in thought, and hugged my knees. It felt so good to finally be able to do that and feel them again! I let the words he’d spoken sink in, knowing I’d need time to come to terms with the fact I could lead a normal life again. I could stop feeling miserable and wishing I would die.

  When Declan died and I’d ended up in a wheelchair I thought I’d never be able to pursue any of my dreams. I was convinced they’d died with him. I’d been so traumatized by everything that I’d never had time to focus on my plan of being a writer. I’d never thought that, in spite of my condition, I could still make one dream come true: if I couldn’t move to New York, I could write and follow my aspirations. I’d been too overwhelmed by the pain I was feeling to think of that.

  But now I could walk and Declan would always be with me, so I didn’t need to worry. I’d be able to pursue my life-long dream and have my brother support me through it all.

  “I can’t stay, Kathy.” I gave a start as his voice pulled me out of my thoughts. “You have Colin and our family. You’ll be all right.”

  My eyes widened and a chill went down my spine.

  “No, I won’t!” I shook my head as dread seized my heart. “I can’t live without you, Declan. You know I’m a mess. I can’t do anything without you.”

  He smiled at me and brushed my cheek, leaving a warm trail where his fingers touched my skin. “You’re not my crying little sister anymore. You’ve turned into a beautiful, strong woman and you’ll do great. You only have to believe in yourself; Colin will help you through this, too. He’ll be there for you.”

  “I don’t want him to be there for me—I want you! Please Deco, please don’t leave me again,” I begged.

  “I’ll always look after you, hon. I’ll always be around,” he whispered, sliding closer to me and taking my hand. “Look for me in a rainbow, in the wind, in a blue sky. You’ll see me there, smiling at you from Heaven.”

  I shook my head, in the same way I did when I was a child and didn’t want to listen to him trying to put some sense into my stubborn mind.

  “I don’t want you to go. Please stay with me, Deco. If you love me, please stay.” My voice cracked as tears filled my eyes.

  “You know I love you. I’ve always loved you and I’ll never stop.” The soft, sweet tone of his voice made my heart ache even more. “And because I love you, I can’t stay. You need to get on with your life. I’d only hinder you. Keep the memories in your heart, Kathy, but leave space for new ones, new happy memories with Colin.”

  “No, Deco, no. Please don’t go! No!” I screamed and flung myself at him, hoping I could hug him, hoping I could keep him there with me. But a moment later he disappeared, and I fell face down on the mattress, sobbing into the sheets.

  Chapter 36

  Colin

  June 23

  It had taken me a while, but I’d managed to find a shop eventually. She hadn’t told me which flavor she preferred so I bought three different types, just to be sure.

  I opened the door with a smile, wondering if I would ever have gone to all this hassle if any of the girls I’d dated in the past had asked me to do it. No, I thought shaking my head, I wouldn’t have bothered at all—because none of them were worth it.

  I stepped inside my apartment and my blood froze as Kathleen’s desperate cries and sobs reached my ears. I dropped everything to the floor, slamming the door behind me and ran into my bedroom. She was lying face down on the mattress, grabbing fistfuls of the sheets. My heart broke into a million fragments.

  I rushed toward her, and as soon as I touched her back she jolted, just enough for me to wrap my arms around her and pull her to my chest. The sobs shook her body so hard I was afra
id she was convulsing, and I rocked back and forth with her, hoping this would be enough to calm her. I didn’t ask her what was wrong, but I presumed it had to do with her brother.

  She acted like she felt better, but I knew she wasn’t over it. She was still in denial, still hoping he’d come back to her and tell her she’d dreamed it all. Hadn’t I done that myself? I’d spent years hoping my parents would come over to my grandma’s and tell me they hadn’t been on that plane and had simply gone missing. I couldn’t expect her to heal in a few months.

  I held her tight to me, hoping I could transfer some comfort, and I rested my chin on the top of her head, stroking the small of her back in soft, circular movements.

  It took her a while to pull herself together and when she eventually started sniffling, I understood the worst part was over.

  “Declan is gone. He’s gone…” she sobbed, brushing her cheek against my T-shirt. I raked my hand through her hair in gentle strokes and kissed the top of her head.

  “I know, baby, I know. It’s all right, I’m here now,” I whispered through her hair. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

  She pulled back and looked at me with red, puffy eyes. “You don’t understand!” she said, her voice hoarse from crying. “He’s gone for good this time. He’s never coming back.” A sob escaped her mouth and she took a long deep breath, wiping her cheeks with the sleeve of her pajamas.

  “I know, Kathleen. It’s hard but you’ll have to accept it, eventually. You’re still in denial, and I understand that but—”

  “No!” she cut in curtly, and I recoiled. Her eyes were liquid fire. She could have burned me to ash with one stare. “You don’t understand! He was here, he’s always been around. How do you think I got out of my bed on the night of the fire? He was there, he helped me get out. And now he’s gone.”

  I stared blankly at her. She was in shock, but talking about her dead brother being in the room was scary. Was she starting to lose it?

  “Kathleen—”