Healing Our Hearts

by Grace Roberts

  A week flew by, and I was getting used to living in the small coastal village, away from the city and the traffic. On Friday morning, I walked down to the small grocery shop to buy apples so that Doreen could make her special apple pie for Colin, who’d be driving up straight after work that evening. As I passed by the small, colorful cottages overlooking the bay, I’d felt a strange sense of belonging, as if I’d lived there all of my life. I didn’t know if it was the nice sunny weather or the quiet, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Even when Doreen and I were sitting in the back garden, hours later, enjoying the sun while sipping ice tea, I found myself wondering what it would be like to live here permanently. I pictured myself walking down the same narrow roads ten years from now, or strolling on the beach with Colin and our children. I couldn’t wait for Colin to arrive, so I could talk about it with him. I was sure he’d be happy to be closer to his grandmother, and since he wanted to open a private practice one day, I guessed it would be easier to do so in a smaller town than in Dublin. I smiled, imagining his reaction.

  “Are you thinking of Colin?” Doreen asked out of the blue, and I snapped out of my musings, staring at her as my cheeks flushed hot.

  “Was it so evident?”

  She chuckled. “My son was exactly the same after Sarah, Colin’s mother, moved back to America. He’d be moping around the house, sighing and looking lost. My husband hated it, saying it was stupid for a man to act like that, but I found it lovely. James had always been a loving man, even when he was younger, and he was passionate in everything he did—it was obvious he’d be passionate about Sarah, too.”

  She smiled, reminiscing, and I wondered if I would sound rude if I asked her about Colin’s history. I’d come to learn his parents and his past were something that still made him sad, so we never talked about them. Maybe one day he’d be able to open up and share the happy memories about his family, but I wasn’t going to push him until he was ready. I knew that deep down he still missed them, every single day, and I knew the feeling—because I missed Declan like crazy, too.

  “How did they meet?” I asked timidly. She stared at me with a frown, making me feel a little uneasy. “Colin’s parents? He said his mother was American and they’d met here in Ireland, but he never told me the whole story.” I spun the tea in the glass, making the ice cubes clink. “From what little he told me, it sounds like one of those romantic movies I love watching.”

  “Well, yes, it was a little like that.” She smiled, then she told me the whole story of their chance encounter on the beach in Rosses Point where Sarah and her fellow exchange students had come for a walk. It had been love at first sight for both of them, and for the duration of her stay, James had gone back and forth to Dublin to spend time with her. When she went home to New Jersey, James had never been the same, and Doreen knew he’d be leaving Ireland to be with Sarah. After a little more than a month, he eventually packed up his life and moved to America, even though neither her husband or daughters were happy about his decision.

  “I’d known from the very moment he met Sarah, when he came back from the beach with those dreamy eyes, that he had found The One. When he told me she was American, I knew I was going to lose him sooner or later. But I wanted him to be happy, and if that meant he’d have to leave, then I was ready to accept that.”

  I looked at Doreen and smiled. “Did they come here often?” I asked, remembering Colin had mentioned coming over for the summer holidays.

  “The first couple of years they didn’t, since my husband refused to talk to James. But when they got married here in Sligo, I managed to make James and George talk things through. Everything was fine after that, even though my daughters still thought James was a selfish man, leaving everything behind to chase a woman.” She took a sip of her tea, and shook her head. “I never blamed him for leaving Ireland; he loved Sarah, and I knew it had been a tough decision for him because he’d always been a very devoted son.” She sucked in a deep breath and let it out. “When Colin was born, Sarah quit her job and dedicated all of her time to him. They would come and spend the summer months here with us, while James would take a week or two off to come visit. I came to love Sarah like a daughter. She was a wonderful wife and a loving mother. It broke my heart whenever they left, and even though I only saw him for two or three months a year, Colin had always been my favorite.” She smiled, though her eyes were glistening. I knew all this talking about her son and daughter-in-law must have brought back painful memories, and I felt guilty for being the cause of it. I should never have asked.

  “What was Colin like, when he was a teenager?” I asked, trying to change to a more cheerful subject. I was sure he’d been a naughty boy when he was young, and maybe she’d end up telling me some funny stories about him.

  “He was…” she paused, pondering the words for a moment, “heartbroken.” Her gaze fixed on the rosebush next to me. “He was angry and distraught, and he thought that if he messed up his life, he’d feel better, somehow less guilty for being alive. He punished himself because he thought he deserved it.”

  “Punished himself?” I asked, wondering what she meant by that. This wasn’t exactly the kind of conversation I’d planned on having with her.

  “He’d always been a good boy. When they came here on their summer holidays he’d help me out with gardening, he’d go buy groceries—he even fixed my bicycle once. It was a joy to have him around.” She smiled, lost in a world of her own, probably reminiscing about those days. Then she looked at me and the ice blue of her eyes almost gave me chills. “Losing his parents crushed him; when he came here he was devastated. He had nobody else to turn to but an old grandmother. He had to leave his home, his school, his friends, the only life he’d ever known to come to a small coastal village on the other side of the ocean. And he felt guilty because he was alive.”

  “Yes, he sort of told me that once,” I said, nodding and remembering the conversation we’d had.

  “Because he was alive and his parents weren’t, he thought he should punish himself. He took up drinking and smoking behind my back. He thought I wouldn’t notice he wasn’t the grandson I used to know, he thought I’d never realized he came home late at night, stumbling through the door.”

  “That bad?” I asked, surprised. I couldn’t picture Colin as a drunken teenager.

  She sighed, her eyes taking on a veil of sadness, and I wanted to hug her. “One day I caught him smoking in my backyard, in the middle of the afternoon, with a half-empty bottle of beer in his other hand. I’d gone out with my daughter and I wasn’t supposed to be back until late that night, but I wasn’t feeling well, so she drove me home early. He didn’t even notice me as I approached. I smacked the back of his head so hard, he told me it hurt for a whole day afterward.”

  I couldn’t help but giggle, imagining the scene. Then I turned serious again as the smile that had curved her lips only a moment before disappeared.

  “I yelled at him for the first time ever and I asked him what he thought his parents would think, seeing him wasting his life like that. That attitude of his wasn’t going to bring them back. I’d thought he’d scream at me, swear at me, just like all teenagers do, but he stared at me instead, his eyes blank. I’ll never forget the way he looked when he said ‘I don’t want to live like this anymore, Gran. The pain is excruciating, it’s tearing me apart. I just wish I’d died, too.’”

  I gasped and my eyes filled with tears. I couldn’t bear to know he’d gone through so much pain.

  “His blue eyes, my son’s eyes, were staring at me from behind a veil of alcohol and sorrow. So much sorrow a boy his age should never feel. He flung himself at me, dropping the bottle and the cigarette and he finally cried in my arms.” She looked at me. A tear escaped her control, rolling down her cheek. “He hadn’t cried since he’d moved in, and I could see it building up inside of him, month after month. I knew he’d explode one day, so I waited patiently until he finally did. Things got better after that day. He’d never wanted
to be that kind of person because it just wasn’t who he was, who his parents had raised him to be. He only needed to understand that by himself, he needed time to process the whole thing and get over it.”

  “He never told me that,” I said, holding the glass in both of my hands, but unable to drink its contents. The pain in my heart almost made me sick; it was as if one-hundred daggers were piercing it.

  “He’s not particularly proud of that phase. He’s always tried to make up for those months. Since then, he’s been the perfect grandson and he’s turned into a man his parents would surely be proud of.”

  I smiled, remembering the message his parents had wanted me to deliver to him.

  “And he’s head over heels in love with you,” she added with a grin. “He’s never brought anyone home before because they never stuck around for more than a month or two. Well, he never stuck around, if I have to be honest with you.”

  “Hey, are you gossiping about me, ladies?”

  I gave a start, almost dropping the glass when Colin’s voice came from behind me. I turned back to see him walking toward us with a big grin on his face. I put glass on the table next to me and flung myself at him.

  “You’re back!” I squealed, looping my arms around his neck. His arms automatically went around my hips and a second later I’d been lifted off the floor, my legs around his waist and my lips on his. I didn’t care that his grandmother was watching us; I’d missed him so much, I simply couldn’t wait until we were alone to claim his lips. He responded eagerly to my kiss, and I finally felt as if the piece of my heart he had taken with him was back in place.

  “I’ve missed you, Icy,” he whispered in my ear when he pulled back, and kissed the side of my neck before putting me down.

  “Me, too,” I said, brushing his cheek with my thumb and smiling. He looked over my shoulder at his grandmother and smiled sweetly, walking toward her.

  “You weren’t spoiling my reputation, were you, Gran?”

  Doreen’s face softened, pride and joy shone bright as the sun from her as soon as he walked close.

  “Nah, she was updating me on the huge number of ex-girlfriends you’ve had,” I teased. He grinned and bent down to kiss Doreen’s cheek, then turned back to me and put an arm around my shoulders, pulling me close.

  “They’re not so many; and I’m sure she hasn’t got the right count anyway,” he said innocently, kissing the top of my head. Doreen raised an eyebrow, and he grinned. “You’re probably missing two or three, Gran.”

  I smacked his chest, and he chuckled. Then he looked at Doreen. “How about I take you out to dinner tonight, ladies? My treat.”

  Doreen nodded, saying it was a great idea, and I agreed. We’d been so engrossed in our conversation that we hadn’t thought of making dinner yet, and it would be nice for Doreen to leave the house for a change.

  “Right, then. I’ll have a quick shower while you girls get ready.”

  I picked up the glasses from the table and was about to walk back into the kitchen when Colin bent down, stopping next to my ear.

  “How about you come and wash my back?” he whispered. My cheeks turned bright red. How could he speak like that in front of his grandmother? When Doreen chuckled we both whipped our heads up.

  “Go ahead, I can wait here in the garden and enjoy the sun a little more while you two have fun.”

  By the way my cheeks burned, I was sure they must be a dark shade of burgundy. “I… um… I wasn’t going to…”

  She laughed. “Don’t worry; I know how it feels to be young and in love, dear, no need to feel ashamed.” Then she looked up at Colin with a serious gaze. “Although I do hope you’re being safe and using protection.”

  At those words Colin’s smug grin faded and he stood there, totally frozen for a moment. I wanted to run away and hide my head under the couch. Then he burst into laughter, shaking his head as he went behind her and started wheeling her inside.

  “Thanks Gran; now you’ve spoiled all my chances of getting Kathleen into that shower with me. And if I know her, she won’t let me get close to her all weekend, so yeah, I guess we’ll be safe.” He shook his head in feigned frustration. Doreen giggled, and I rushed back into the kitchen. If he’d wanted to embarrass me, well, he’d done a great job. I’d never be able to look at his grandmother without blushing from now on.

  Chapter 42

  Colin

  August 10

  I was surprised to discover how close Gran and Kathleen had become in only five days. I could tell Gran was very fond of her and I was sure if things didn’t work out she’d probably kill me with her bare hands. Not that I had any intentions of letting anything or anyone come between us; I’d be dead before I’d let another man set as much as his eyes on her.

  Seeing the way the two most important women in my life interacted during dinner, laughing and chatting like old friends, warmed my heart. It reinforced the crazy idea that had been going on in my mind over the last few days, when my longing for Kathleen was so strong I’d thought I’d die without her.

  When we got home I offered to help Gran get into bed while Kathleen made some tea. As soon as we were alone, I closed the door and Gran looked up at me with narrowed eyes.

  “Do you like Kathleen, Gran?” I asked, helping her out of the wheelchair and into bed. She looked at me with a strange grin, and nodded.

  “She’s a lovely young woman with a big heart. I don’t know many girls who would have volunteered to stay with their boyfriend’s sick grandmother, whom they’d only just met. So yes, I like her. A lot, actually.”

  I smiled, and nodded. Yes, that was Kathleen: sweet and loving, two of the many reasons why I loved her.

  “I really love her, Gran. I mean really, really. These five days without her I was a wreck. I’ve never felt like this before, it’s… weird. But good,” I said, looking up at her with a shy smile.

  I’d never been a shy guy, but opening up with Gran had turned me into one. However, if there was one person who’d be able to understand me now it was Gran. She’d been with me through the most horrible period of my life, she’d helped me get over the stupid rebellious and self-destructive phase I’d gone through after my parents died, and she’d never stopped loving or believing in me. I’d speak to Chris about it, because he was like a brother to me, and I knew he’d be jumping with joy; but first I wanted to tell Gran and gage her reaction.

  I cleared my throat, knowing I was running out of time. Kathleen would be here with Gran’s tea soon, and I needed to get this thing off my chest now before it drove me crazy.

  “I want to ask her to marry me,” I blurted out and I looked up, expecting her to ask if I’d gone crazy. Instead of finding a shocked or disappointed expression on her face, I saw she was smiling from ear to ear, and my shoulders relaxed.

  “I thought I’d never get to see the day when I heard you say you were getting married,” she said, taking my hands and squeezing them. “I’m glad that girl has been able to put some sense into your head at last. It was about time you stopped acting like a teenager and turned into a man.”

  I grinned. Gran had never been one to beat around the bush, and I deserved all of it.

  “You don’t think it might be too soon, though? Maybe I’m rushing into things.”

  “Do you love her?” she asked abruptly, and I couldn’t help but nod. “Have you ever wanted to marry any of your previous girlfriends? Have you ever imagined your future with any of them?”

  I shook my head, knowing the words future and forever had always scared me to death.

  “Your father knew Sarah was the woman he wanted to spend his life with after he’d known her for a week and, even then, seeing the look on his face I knew he wasn’t rushing into something wrong. I’d never believed in love at first sight until I saw my own son fall so badly for that exchange student.” She chuckled, and I knew very well what she was talking about. My parents had always claimed it had been instant love between them, and I’d often wondered if I�
�d ever get to experience something so strong with anyone in my life. Maybe it hadn’t been love at first sight with Kathleen, although she had stirred something inside of me the first time I met her. Either way, I knew now what I felt for her was as strong as what my parents had shared, and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

  “Marriage isn’t always a bed of roses, but if your feelings are strong enough you’ll overcome any obstacles you’ll find on the way,” she continued, speaking very wise words, as usual. “You’ve been through a lot together and I can’t think of a better way to build the foundation of a relationship. Your love has bloomed through grief and hardship. I’m sure it can get out of a storm unscathed.”

  She was right. I’d discovered my feelings for Kathleen when she was still getting over her loss, when I knew she’d never be able to walk again, and I’d been willing to put all my needs behind me just for her. I’d known being with her would mean sacrifice, would mean giving up my old life. And even then I hadn’t been scared, because what I felt for her was stronger than any difficulties, any sacrifices, any stupid needs I might have had before.

  “So, when are you going to propose?” she asked, interrupting my musings. “I want to live long enough to come to your wedding, so you might have to be quick about it.”

  I laughed, and squeezed her hands, giving her my most scolding glance. I didn’t like it when she talked about death; I needed her around. I wanted her to see my babies—mine and Kathleen’s.

  “I’ve only just thought about it and I don’t want to scare her away. I need her to be ready, and I want it to be perfect, romantic, mind-blowing—just like she deserves. I want to plan it in a way that will leave her no other option than to say ‘yes’.”

  Gran giggled and was about to say something when a light knock on the door told us our time alone was over. When Gran asked her to come in, the door opened and Kathleen stood in the doorway holding a mug, her cheeks slightly colored.