Healing Our Hearts

by Grace Roberts

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you,” she said sheepishly, and looked at me as if to ask for permission. “I’ll just leave the mug and go.”

  I sprang up, took the mug from her hands and kissed the tip of her nose reassuringly.

  “Don’t worry, we were finished.” I handed the mug to Gran and kissed her cheek goodnight. I knew I was too old for that, but she loved it and I was happy to oblige. I gave her a conspiratorial look, as if to ask her to keep the secret, and she smiled.

  Once we were back in my room and I’d closed the door behind us, I wrapped Kathleen in a bear hug and kissed the side of her neck.

  “I love you,” I whispered, my warm breath causing her to shiver. “And now I have to show you how much I’ve missed you.” I spun her around so that she was facing me. She smirked, and shook her head.

  “There’s no way you’re coming near me with your grandmother sleeping next door.” She rested her palms on my chest and tried to shove me away. I didn’t budge, so she tried to break free from my grasp.

  “She’s eighty-two, she’s half deaf and will be asleep within five minutes. She’ll never know,” I said, pulling her close to me again, and biting her bottom lip.

  She shook her head, while she punched my chest so I’d loosen my grip. I smiled at her stubbornness.

  “She’s not half deaf. She heard you very well when you made that smarty-pants comment about the shower.” Her tone picked up an edge when she saw her efforts at breaking free weren’t working. “Colin, let go of me!”

  I released my grip when she got frustrated. She looked warily at me, spun and walked toward the bed where her pajamas lay. She gave me one last side glance, narrowing her eyes. I shrugged and raised my hands in defeat, pulling my T-shirt over my head and kicking off my shoes.

  As soon as she was under the comforter and had turned off the light, my arms snaked around her, and I pulled her close to my chest.

  “Colin,” she scolded. I stared at her with my most innocent look.

  “Can we at least sleep in each other’s arms, or is that going to wake Gran as well?” I asked in a huff.

  “Fine,” she whispered, snuggling into me.

  “Fine,” I said, tightening my grip as I felt her melt in my arms, her palms on my chest, her head just below my chin. Her soft breathing against my skin was enough to make me realize how much I’d missed her. Yes, I was sure she was the woman I was going to marry. Sooner rather than later.

  Chapter 43

  Kathleen

  December 24

  The last few months had flown quickly. So many things had happened, including the birth of Chris and Melissa’s son. I barely had time to realize it was nearly Christmas until I went home to Galway on the day before Christmas Eve and spent the following day baking gingerbread cookies with my siblings, like we used to do when we were children. I almost expected Declan to walk into the kitchen and help us with the decorating.

  Spending time with my siblings and messing around in the kitchen, driving our mother crazy, made me long to go back in time to our childhood years, when we were happy and carefree. I wondered if Declan was watching us, laughing at our antics. It was time I told my family about Declan and how he’d healed me. They all needed the peace of mind he’d given me, the knowledge that he was looking after us, that he’d never really left. I just had to find the right time to do it, when I was sure I had their full attention and they wouldn’t think I’d gone crazy.

  I thought about it all day. All through the midnight Mass I rehearsed what I would say because I knew it’d have to be tonight: I wanted this to be my and Declan’s gift to our family. When we came back from church we all sat by the Christmas tree, chatting and drinking tea and hot chocolate, and I was sure Declan was with us in our living room just like he had been every other year. He was sitting somewhere there, watching us and listening to our silly conversations, and I felt strong enough to face it. My family had always been very catholic, but I didn’t know if they’d ever believed in miracles and angels, so my hands were shaking when I put down my empty mug and cleared my throat to catch their attention.

  “There’s something I have to tell you, something I should have told you some time ago, but, um… I wasn’t ready.”

  Four sets of eyes shot up at me and I shrank on the couch, wondering if I was doing the right thing. When a familiar warmth spread across my cheek I had confirmation Declan was there, encouraging me. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and, when I opened them again, the words tumbled out of my mouth without needing too much thinking.

  When I was finished I inspected their faces, one by one, and I could see all different kinds of emotions displayed: wariness, incredulity, surprise, worry, but, on top of them all, hope and relief shone the brightest. I knew this had been the right thing to do.

  David stood up and walked toward the window where he stood facing out, his forehead and the palm of his hand pressed against the glass. Even though he was standing with his back to me I could see his chest was heaving. I stood and got to his side. He was trying to fight back the tears I had seen welling in his eyes while I was talking about Declan, and I knew it was because he didn’t want our family to see him break up. He wanted to be strong and he wanted our parents to think he was doing fine, but I knew losing Declan had been like losing a limb to him.

  Declan and David had always had a special bond; being the only two boys, they’d always been joined at the hip, at least until Declan went to college. Even after that, even after he moved to New York, they had constantly been in touch and David had been to New York at least once every year. When Declan had come home last year, I’d heard him talk with David about the possibility of getting him a teaching job in a college in New York where one of Declan’s friends worked, and David had been beside himself with happiness.

  I’d totally forgotten about it until now. I’d been so busy thinking about all I’d lost, that I’d never realized David had gone through exactly the same thing: he’d lost his brother and his dream of moving to New York. I felt so awful and disgusted with myself, it almost made me sick. At least I’d been able to accept the situation little by little, with Declan helping me through it all, guiding and supporting me.

  David hadn’t. His brother and best friend had been ripped away from him and he’d never had the chance to say goodbye or talk to him again, like I had. How could I be so selfish?

  My heart broke at the sight of my happy-go-lucky brother trying to repress his emotions so as not to fall apart in front of everyone, and I patted and rubbed his shoulder reassuringly, just like a mother with her child. He squeezed his eyes shut and held his breath for a moment, swallowing hard. When he finally exhaled, his breath clouded the windowpane. We looked up and flinched as the words appeared on the glass.

  Happy Christmas, Dave. Be strong, little brother.

  David turned toward me with a frown and tears filled my eyes as I telepathically thanked Declan for giving this last gift to our brother. I smiled at David, and shrugged.

  “Told you,” I said with a smug grin, hoping it would be enough to cheer him up. He nodded, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and burying his face in my hair.

  “I will, Deco. Happy Christmas to you too, bro,” I barely heard him whisper. He then let out a long sigh. “Thank you for telling us, Kathy,” he said louder. I squeezed him a little tighter in a sort of silent “you’re welcome”.

  It was almost two o’clock when we finally decided to call it a night and try to get some sleep. I was sure that this time, probably for the first time in almost a year, everyone would be able to sleep peacefully.

  Chapter 44

  Colin

  December 31

  Gran and I spent Christmas Day at the O’Hagans’, so I could finally be introduced as Kathleen’s boyfriend. I’d dreaded the moment, feeling as if I was going to face the court martial instead of having a quiet lunch with my girlfriend’s family. I’d never been introduced as anyone’s boyfriend. I’d never met an
y of my girlfriends’ families before. I’d never had Christmas lunch with in-laws. I knew it was stupid, as I’d already met them all when she was still my patient, but that was the problem: she had been my patient back then, and I’d crossed the line. I’d fallen for her. I’d kissed her while she was still in my care. I was scared her parents would think I’d taken advantage of their daughter while she was in a fragile state of mind, that I’d played with her heart. All my fears were unfounded, since her family put me at ease a minute after I’d stepped through the threshold, and I had one of the best Christmases I’d had after I lost my parents.

  Kathleen decided to stay with her family until the end of the year, so I had to drive back to Dublin all alone, after leaving Grandma in Rosses Point. Being a whole week without Kathleen made me feel a wreck, so when I finally reached her house shortly before seven on New Year’s Eve, I couldn’t wait to wrap her in my arms for a kiss. But, when I knocked on the door, it was David who opened and I was a bit disappointed. He let me in, informing me that “the girls” were still getting dressed and rolling his eyes as he said so.

  “I hope you managed to take a nap, because my friends sure know how to throw a party,” David said, grinning at me, and I was sure he wasn’t exaggerating. I’d come to know David well by now, and he never seemed to run out of energy whenever he’d come to Dublin and spend the weekend with us.

  “Kathy, your sweetheart’s here! Get out of that bathroom!” he screamed down the corridor and the door to the bathroom opened slightly, just enough for Kathleen to peep out and say she’d be out in a minute. A moment later, she came out into the corridor, and my jaw dropped as I stared at her from her head to her toes and up again. She was wearing a black tank top with a silver sequin pattern and satin black pants that fit snugly to her perfectly shaped legs and, I noticed as she twirled to show off her outfit, her bottom. Her hair was perfectly arranged with sparkling clips that let only a few strands fall to her shoulders and her make-up was flawless. She looked amazing, and for a moment I wished I could find an excuse to ditch her siblings and their friend’s party and just spend the whole night alone with her.

  “Do you like my outfit?” she asked shyly. I grinned, taking a step toward her. I took her in my arms, and bent down to kiss her neck, not wanting to spoil her make-up. She smelled amazing. How was I ever going to keep my hands off her all night?

  “You’re stunning,” I said, unable to come up with anything else, not even one of my stupid, witty remarks I always used to tease her. She blushed, and my heart melted.

  “So are you,” she whispered, tucking a curl behind my ear. I still hadn’t had time to go and get a proper haircut, but I would have to soon.

  “New Year’s resolution: get a haircut,” I said, winking at her, and she giggled.

  “Hey, where’s Maggie, by the way?” David interrupted our moment and rolled his eyes when Kathleen pointed at her bedroom. “That girl’s always late. Maggie!” he shouted toward her bedroom. “Will ya get out of that room and grant us the gift of your presence?”

  Cursing came out through the shut door, and David took two steps toward the room, banging on the door until Maggie yanked it open.

  “Will you stop being such a child?” Maggie screamed, and he shrugged.

  “I don’t know what took you so long to get ready; you’ve been locked in there for hours, and I don’t see any difference anyway.” He ducked his head when she aimed a slap at him and he stuck out his tongue at her. “Bad aim, as usual.”

  Maggie groaned and rolled her eyes. “One day David Sean O’Hagan I’ll make you regret all of this.”

  “I so can’t wait for that day, Mag,” David said, linking arms with her and batting his eyelashes.

  I found all this banter quite entertaining. Being an only child I’d missed all of this, all of the camaraderie Kathleen shared with her siblings, and even though Chris had always been like a brother to me, it wasn’t the same. I was happy I was part of a family now.

  “Kids, are you finished?” I asked, staring at them with a scowl while Maggie was trying to break free from David’s grip. Kathleen giggled and shook her head, used to her sibling’s banter.

  Eventually, after a few more head slaps from Maggie, which David deftly dodged, we managed to get out and walk to David’s friend’s house, the two of them still arguing while they walked ahead of us, and my arm wrapped around Kathleen’s shoulder to keep her warm. With her petite body snuggled into me, I was even more determined to make sure my proposal would be so perfect she would never forget it. I wanted to leave her speechless, and I had just the perfect idea in mind. I couldn’t wait for that day to come.

  Chapter 45

  Kathleen

  December 31

  We had lots of fun at the party, and it wasn’t until midnight approached that I realized I hadn’t thought of Declan all night. My heart filled with sorrow. How could I go on with my life and forget him like that, as if he’d never existed?

  The countdown to midnight started and, as cheers and laughs exploded in the room, Colin spun me around and kissed me passionately, making me forget all the sad thoughts. If these were the premises for what the new year had in store for me, well, I was pretty sure it was going to be a great one.

  “Happy New Year, Icy. I love you, babe,” he said, his lips still on mine. I smiled, and tucked a rebellious strand of hair behind his ear again, brushing his lips with mine.

  “Hey Byrne, get your hands off my sister for a moment so I can wish her a happy New Year,” David teased. Colin immediately let go, raising his hands in surrender even though he was laughing. My brother’s arms went around me in a bear hug, and I enjoyed the familiar warmth of his embrace.

  “I promise this year will be a better one, sis,” he whispered in my ear, and I nodded against his sweater, knowing he was right. We had survived this year, we had reached the lowest point in our lives—now things could only get better. He looked happy with his girlfriend, Michelle, whom I’d met at a pub on Christmas day, and I hoped she’d be making him as happy as Colin was making me. David deserved to have a loving person in his life.

  We left the party around two but walking the short distance to our house soon became a hard task considering how much we’d drunk. I’d never been a drinker and those few glasses of sparkling white wine were taking their toll on me now. I held onto Colin’s arm to keep myself from falling face down, while Maggie and David walked arm in arm ahead of us, probably for the same reason. The cold air woke us from the alcoholic haze, and as soon as we walked through the door, we were chatting and laughing as if it were late afternoon, totally oblivious to our parents sleeping in their bedroom.

  Maggie shushed us, but David and I had gone into hysterical laughing fits, and the more she tried, the harder we laughed. David kept saying stupid things that wouldn’t have made me laugh if I’d been sober, but that right now sounded like the greatest jokes.

  “Kids! Cut the racket, now! Go to sleep!” Our father’s voice boomed from the bedroom.

  David and I stared seriously at each other for a moment before bursting into hysterical laughter again. A second later Colin’s arms went around me and he hauled me up, positioning me on his shoulder with my upper body facing his back.

  “Sleepy time now, kids,” he said.

  “Doctor’s orders!” David said and, as Colin walked toward my bedroom, I saw Maggie smack the back of David’s head. This time his reflexes weren’t fast enough. When her hand hit his head, he winced and finally looked as if he was ready for bed.

  I couldn’t remember what happened after Colin dropped me on my bed but when I woke up in the morning with a throbbing headache I hoped I hadn’t said or done anything really stupid.

  “New Year’s resolution: stay away from alcohol,” I muttered to myself, my voice thick with sleep and my temples throbbing as if a drum was playing inside my head. Maggie was still sleeping, so I got out of bed as quietly as I could and walked out to check if the guys were up.

  When
I approached their room and saw the silhouette on Declan’s bed, my heart stopped for a moment and my eyes filled with tears. I stepped inside the room, careful not to make any noise, and was approaching Declan’s bed when David whispered my name.

  I turned around. He was propped up on his elbow, his wavy dark-blond hair mussed from sleep. I stepped closer to his bed and noticed his eyes were red and his cheeks stained with tears. I sat on his bed and hugged him, sure I knew the exact reason why he’d been crying. It was the same reason my eyes had filled with tears at the sight of someone on Declan’s bed.

  “When I woke up I thought it had all been a bad dream, that the accident had never happened and he was sleeping in his bed, just like last year.” David sniffled, and let out a long sigh. I squeezed him tighter and his arms wrapped around my body in response.

  “I know; I thought the same. I was walking toward the bed to check for myself.”

  Tears spilled from my eyes and ran down my cheeks. We cried in silence, holding on to each other and sharing our pain. In only a few days it would be one year since Declan died, but it seemed we still hadn’t been able to get over the grief.

  When we pulled ourselves together and released the hug, I looked him in the eye and smiled. We didn’t need any more words than those that had already been spoken in the past year; all it took was a look in each other’s eyes and we knew what the other felt. Yes, this year would be different. I’d be there for my brother and I knew he’d be there for me.

  David nudged me and grinned toward the other bed. I turned to find Colin was awake and staring at us.