The two lovers giggled as they glanced around the cinema at the scores of white handkerchiefs wiping away rivers of tears from the females, while macho men sniffed loudly and followed Chris’ pattern of attempting to discreetly rub their eyes. No doubt they were blaming it on the bright lights too.
The small clock radio’s speaker vibrated, as the booming voice of the excitable male radio host began to ramble about the song that was coming next. The teeth-clenching sound brought Angie back to the here and now, where she found that her tear soaked satin top was now mottled shades of blue. The tears she had shed at that movie were a drop in the ocean compared with the tears she had shed today. The song she’d always associated with true love and a happy ending now held a totally different meaning. Angie had listened to the song a million times, but this time she’d really heard the lyrics. It was all about her and Chris, every word, every line. ‘Silence in the bedroom’; ‘must have been love but it’s over now’. It was them and their relationship. Once they had been so very much in love, now there was silence in the bedroom, and it was distinctly possible that their life together was over. It seemed like such a waste. A quick poke about in the bedside table produced nothing to wipe away the tears. After attempting and failing to use the sleeve of her blouse as a makeshift handkerchief, Angie knew that she needed something more fit for purpose. As she clambered off the bed, she spotted the decorative memento box on the tall chest of drawers. Angie felt compelled to fetch the box back to the bed and begin to delve into the treasure chest that formed her past, and that’s exactly what she did. The first thing that Angie spotted when she lifted the lid from the box was the red rose boutonniere that Chris had worn to their wedding. Twenty years hadn’t faded the color and it looked as vibrant as it did on their wedding day. Among the other sentimental souvenirs she’d collected over the decades, was the journal she’d kept of their failed quest to start a family.
When Angie had first bought the black velvety journal, it was for the purpose of keeping a record of their first baby’s life. From conception until the birth, she would keep a record of the event. Every detail, no matter how insignificant, would be written into the journal. Throughout their child’s life they would keep the journal updated. Every tooth, sitting, walking, talking, everything would be documented. When that child was grown, Angie would show him or her the record of their life, and they’d be left in no doubt that they were very much a planned and wanted baby.
Angie had first gotten the idea about keeping a journal from Chris. Since his mother had died when he was so young, all he learned about his early life came from his grandmother. She’d told him that his parents had waited a long time to become parents, but not much more than that. Since his father hadn’t stuck around to see him grow up, Chris had often wondered if his father had wanted him at all. Chris had told Angie of the doubts he had and he told her that when they had children, he’d make sure they knew exactly how much they were loved.
When she’d started the journal, Angie had no idea how much things would change. What started out as a diary of their first child’s life from conception onwards, soon turned into an account of a desperate and sad journey, which spanned several years. Opening up the journal Angie gulped anxiously, before settling down again to read over the year-by-year journey that had taken up a large chunk of her marriage.
Chapter Ten
1994
January
We have decided that we’ve saved long enough and waited long enough to start a family. I’ve given up my job at the advice center, so that should cut down on stress. We’ve changed our diets and we are now trying to eat all of the right things. Cutting down on the junk food might be hard at first, but a healthy baby will hopefully be our reward.
July
Still not pregnant. We saw the doctor today, but he says it can take up to eighteen months to conceive. He said I could try taking my temperature to check if I’m ovulating and help get the timing right. He told us to come back when we’ve been trying for a year. I hope it happens before then!
1995
January
We went to the see the doctor today. He’s sending a letter to the hospital so we can see a specialist. Then it’s just a matter of waiting for our first appointment at the fertility clinic. I’m a bit scared, but the doctor says they will start with basic tests at first. Apparently lots of women get pregnant even before their appointment arrives; hope I’m one of them.
April
It was our first appointment at the fertility clinic today. There wasn’t anything to worry about at all. They gave me an examination and took some blood from me. Chris had to be examined and provide a sample. A bit embarrassing, especially for Chris, but we managed to laugh about it later. Anyway, it’ll all be worth it if they can help us have a baby.
When we got home, Mom phoned to say Raymond and Sophie are expecting. I cried when I got off the phone. Chris was great and said it’ll be our turn soon. Hope he’s right.
July
Saw the doctor at the fertility clinic today. The results from both of us were all clear, so now we have to decide if we want to take the next step. They can give me a small operation called a laparoscopy. They’ll look around inside me to see if they can find any reasons why I’m not getting pregnant. The doctor said we needed to talk it over because there are small risks involved, but we both agreed there and then to go ahead. Anything that might help us have a baby is worth a try. Now we just have to wait for an appointment for the operation.
On the bus ride home there was a woman who kept on shouting at her two kids, and she was heavily pregnant, too. It’s just so unfair. Some people seem to just churn out kids, and we can’t even have one.
December
It’s three weeks till Christmas, and today I’m booked in for the laparoscopy. They said I’ll be asleep throughout, and when I wake up they’ll give me something for the pain. Half of me says I hope they don’t find anything wrong with me, but the other half says I hope they do. After all, if they find something, hopefully they can put it right. If they find nothing, then we still won’t know why I’m not getting pregnant!
A Week Later:
Last week I had the operation but I was so groggy, I didn’t catch half of what the surgeon said afterwards, apart from he found nothing major, whatever that means! We have to wait for an appointment to discuss the results and what happens next. Apparently they’re very busy and we might have to wait a couple of months for the appointment. Let’s hope we don’t need the appointment by then. I know what Chris and I both want for Christmas.
1996
March
It’s now two years and two months since we started trying for a baby. We had our appointment today and it was good news and bad news. The good news was that the surgeon found nothing major, but one of my tubes wasn’t perfect. The bad news is that because he found nothing major there’s not a lot they can do for us. I asked the doctor about giving me fertility drugs. I read in a magazine that loads of women are given them to boost their egg production. He said it’s not an option for me. First of all, he says there’s nothing wrong with my hormones so I should be producing eggs normally. Then he said that because of my damaged tube there would be a higher risk of an ectopic pregnancy. There’s no way they’d risk it and we wouldn’t either.
The doctor suggested giving it more time to happen naturally. He suggested checking out IVF, so we picked up some leaflets on it.
The doctor also said that we should relax about the whole thing, because that might be part of the problem. Easy for him to say relax; he’s not the one who’s been trying forever to have a baby. Now he’s got me wondering if it’s my fault I’m not getting pregnant, because sometimes I do get pretty worked up about it all.
We got back home to find a message from Mom on the answering machine. Jeffrey and Melissa are expecting baby number four. You’d think after the twins they would have had enough; I hope they know how lucky they are. I try so hard not to be jealous of them,
but I can’t help it. Just one baby would make our life complete.
Chris says we should take a break and spend some time alone together. He’s taking me away over Easter so that we can relax! He’s so wonderful; I don’t know what I would do without him.
May
We have given it a lot of thought and we have decided to take time out for ourselves. When we went away for Easter we realized that our lives have totally revolved around me getting pregnant. It was so great to get away and relax.
While we relaxed, we talked about our options if I can’t get pregnant naturally. Apart from the IVF, we talked about surrogacy. Although we think that it’s up to a couple to make their own decision on surrogacy, for us it’s not what we want. For now, it’s just conceiving naturally or IVF, although we may change our minds later.
We’re still going to go through with the IVF treatment, but not just yet. I found a book written by a woman who’d been through IVF. She said that it’s so stressful and if you’re not prepared for that it could wreck your relationship. Chris and I agreed that our relationship is strong, but we’re going to have some fun together before and get mentally prepared for the IVF. We’ll know when the time is right.
In the meantime we won’t stop trying to conceive naturally, we’ll just get on with life at the same time.
2000
January
We went to our appointment at the fertility clinic today to discuss IVF. We are going to have three attempts at it, but they say that the success rate fails with each attempt. So let’s hope it will be first time lucky. They warned us about the dangers and the possible side effects, but we both agree that we should go ahead.
June
Next week is the beginning of our first IVF cycle of treatment. We are very excited and very nervous too. Fingers crossed.
August
The first attempt at IVF failed. There’s not much point going in to the details, as they can’t say for sure why it failed, it just did. We are now waiting for an appointment to discuss next step, but the leaflet recommended leaving it two or three months before trying again. Chris says give it a bit of time, and then if I decide to go through it all again he’s with me all the way.
2001
February
Valentine’s day, Chris bought me a bunch of red roses. We’ve decided to give IVF another go. We are just waiting for the appointment then it’s all systems go.
Mom phoned. Raymond and Sophie are on to baby number two. Mom says they are desperate for a girl. Chris and I wouldn’t care, boy or girl we’d be over the moon.
May
Second attempt IVF starts in two weeks’ time. Please, please let it work.
July
Second IVF failed. We were devastated. Chris wants to call it quits with any more treatments. We’ve decided to forget about it for the rest of this year, as it’s taken so much more out of us this time around.
The treatment itself is quite painful, but that’s nothing compared to the mental pain, which is much worse.
Maybe we should just accept that we are not meant to have a baby, but it’s so hard to do. We are good people and we’ve got a ton of love to share with a little one.
Someone even said to me the other day that we should just buy a puppy instead. I know they meant well, but buying a puppy is not the same as having a child.
This may be the last entry in this journal, depending on what we decide in the New Year.
2003
January
Well, it’s been a year and a half since our last IVF treatment, and it’s given us plenty of time to think.
We’ve been married eleven years this year, and we’ve been trying to have a baby for nine of those years.
We have both decided that we should have one last try with the IVF. If all goes well we should start the IVF cycle in April.
April
We are now beginning our third and final IVF cycle. Last chance to get it right.
June
TREATMENT FAILED. HEARTBROKEN.
August
We saw the doctor today and he told me that it was probably time to call it a day. The last blood tests showed that I’m almost certainly going to experience a premature menopause. I cried all of the way home, and then some. Chris didn’t say much at all.
Devastated. So that’s it, it’s all over.
Chapter Eleven
Now that Angie had finished reading the journal she felt mentally exhausted. She had just relived those years as vividly as if she had actually been there once again. She remembered the pain every month when she knew for sure that she wasn’t pregnant. She remembered every appointment, test, and procedure. She remembered the heartache every time she heard about someone else getting pregnant. She even remembered writing the entry in June 2003, and how she’d only managed to write three words through the tears. Most of all, she remembered their final appointment at the hospital, and the heartbreak when they knew for sure that their dream was finally over.
Perhaps those years had paid a major contribution in the decline of their relationship. After all, at times their lives were forced to revolve around hospital appointments, and the act of expressing their love for each other soon became a mechanical necessity to achieve the ultimate goal. Spontaneity was a thing of the past, surpassed by fertility calendars, fertility drugs, and fertility clinic appointments. No wonder they’d drifted apart.
When they’d decided to start a family Angie had given up her job. It seemed the most sensible thing to do. They both wanted her to be a stay at home mother and they wanted to make their adjustments before the baby arrived. There would be no point in waiting for Angie to get pregnant and then have all of the stress involved in changing her career. Far better do it in plenty of time, so that when she did get pregnant she could work at her own pace and relax when she needed to.
Instead of going out to work, Angie became a regular writer for several women’s magazines. It was great because the hours were flexible, and when they had a family, she could fit her work around the baby. It seemed the perfect solution for everyone, only the baby didn’t come. Angie became more isolated and she soon lost touch with the outside world, except for the visits to the doctors and the hospital. Everyone else was doing their own thing and getting on with their lives, while she was permanently stuck in limbo.
Once their dream of having a family was officially over, Chris and Angie had tried to make the best of it. They frequently tried new things, traveled to new places, and told themselves how they couldn’t have done those things with small children in tow. They talked of saving hard until one day they could visit the pyramids of Egypt or sail down the Venetian canals in a gondola. After a year or so, Chris and Angie talked of getting a pet. They both loved animals, especially dogs. There were endless discussions on the pros and cons of getting a dog. They talked about a dog from a rescue shelter, which would welcome a kind loving home. They agreed that they’d wait until they moved somewhere better suited, somewhere more animal friendly. They talked and they talked and they talked, but even after they moved to the perfect ground floor apartment, neither seemed ready to commit.
The couple that was once so deeply in love was becoming more like strangers. Their passionate relationship had developed into a baby-making regime, and now it was virtually nonexistent. They never held hands any more, rarely embraced, and almost never passionately kissed. The spark of electricity that used to run through her body when Chris touched her was gone. Infertility had left Angie feeling cheated and bitter beyond recognition. On the surface she appeared hardened, but beneath the surface she was breaking down. She put on a brave face but she felt imperfect, and she secretly feared Chris might leave her for someone who could give him children.
Chris began to work even longer hours than before, and when he did get home he was so tired he just fell asleep on the sofa. Bit by bit their relationship began to erode until they rarely had a kind word for each other. They managed to put up a front for as long as they could,
but they weren’t fooling anyone, least of all themselves. They both agreed that Chris should move out, and that they should try marriage counseling. Maybe an impartial third party could help them get back on track, maybe not, but it was worth a try.
Although Angie was pretty down to earth and not known for being superstitious, she was now convinced that some things just might happen for a reason. This no nonsense kind of woman found it all just too much to be coincidence. Chris’ accident, his memory loss, the songs, the photographs of their wedding and of Chris’ grandmother, and finally the journal, it couldn’t all just be happenstance. She was now sure that it was her job to put things right.
With the journal safely back inside the pretty memento box, Angie caught her reflection in the wardrobe mirror. Her eyes were red, her skin was blotchy, and her lips were bone dry. “You look a mess,” Angie scolded her reflection, and deciding that a warm shower would liven her up again, she hightailed it to the bathroom. The warm soapy citrus scented shower gel invigorated her, while the sumptuous bubbling rich creamy conditioning lather gently smoothed her skin. Fully refreshed, Angie stepped from the shower quickly wrapping a large fluffy towel around herself before she cooled down. Leaving wet footprints across the bathroom floor, she hurried to the warmth of the bedroom radiator.
Now dressed, refreshed, and ready for action, Angie needed to replenish her internal fuel supply. First though, she wanted to check up on Chris and reached for the telephone next to the bed. The ‘busy’ tone was not what she wanted to hear when she called the hospital. Each time she pressed redial she was greeted by the same tone, until on the umpteenth attempt, she finally heard the ringing tone and her impatience melted right away. It had seemed to take forever and Angie was worried that Louise might not be available to speak to her. Thankfully, when Angie finally got through on the very busy hospital line, Nurse Louise was still on duty, and when she came to the phone she was her usual cheerful self.
It Must Have Been Love Page 5
