“I’ll beg you until you give me a chance,” West said quietly. “I wasn’t given one, a chance, a choice, not about this.” He touched his neck where that first agonizing bite had been.
Axel made a noise that wasn’t discouraging.
West hated remembering it, hated the nightmares and the fear. “I just wanted to see what it was like to be with a man. I’d been so…so alone, even with my family.” He laughed bitterly. “Maybe that’s the way I’m meant to live my life.” West risked glancing at Axel. “And I am alive. I breathe, I hurt, I feel.”
Axel shook his head but didn’t appear to look as if he’d rather throw himself out the window than be in the room with West.
West kept talking, in halting sentences at times. He told Axel everything, from how he was attacked, to Claude being forced to decide whether to let him die or turn him. He kept the names of other vamps out of it when he could, and he hated that he couldn’t keep the tears back.
But he would have hated it more if Axel had refused to listen to him, or if he’d kept hovering in fear. By the time West finished, Axel wasn’t any closer to him, but he was sitting on the far side of the bed instead of standing up, looking ready to bolt.
“I need to think about this,” Axel said after several minutes of silence. “Please leave.”
West’s hopes plummeted. He told himself Axel hadn’t rejected him…yet. “I…I can’t. Not now.”
“You can’t leave?” Axel frowned at him. “Of course you can leave!”
West shook his head. “The sun’s up.”
Axel looked at the window. “So that’s true.”
“It is.” West’s heart seemed to slow down. “All you’d have to do to get rid of me is pull back the curtains and blinds.” It frightened him, the thought of death, almost as much as it frightened him that some small part of him wished Axel would let the sun in.
Chapter Sixteen
Axel watched West. He had so many questions and he was borderline terrified—still—even though he was fairly certain West wouldn’t hurt him.
That’s not true. You know he won’t hurt you. He could have done so already if that’d been his goal.
More than that nagging voice in his head, it was West himself that calmed Axel down, though probably not intentionally. There was such sorrow in his expression, so much misery and pain, that Axel’s defenses gave way with a thump that he heard in his head.
“Do…do you need to sleep or whatever?” he asked, feeling like a fool.
West sighed and looked down. “I—” His phone rang. “I have to get that.”
When West turned his back to Axel a moment later, Axel simply couldn’t get over the fact that the man was a vampire. He looked so…so normal.
Then again, there was Jukie, and he was a ‘normal’ guy. Look how that turned out. Jukie hadn’t displayed in all their months together even half the sincerity that West had in the past half hour. Add in the way West had touched him, kissed him, held him, and Axel knew he couldn’t kick West to the curb.
Besides, he wasn’t contrary like that and he’d made it quite clear how much he wanted a relationship with West. Axel could even understand West not telling him about what he was. Axel would never have believed him at first.
Now he knew it wasn’t what West was that mattered, but who he was.
Axel forced himself to loosen up some. He climbed onto the bed and got under the covers. West kept talking in a low tone. All the questions Axel wanted to ask kept running through his head, jumping over one another for priority. He overheard West mention his siblings, then his voice softened in a way that made Axel think he was talking to at least one of them.
He had even more questions then, like were West’s brothers and sisters going to be made into vampires eventually?
But did he have the right to ask so many questions?
West ended the call and braced his hands on the dresser. The mirror there showed none of his reflection, and that was freaky, so Axel concentrated instead on the tense lines of West’s back, the way his shoulders were hunched, as if he were feeling pain in his core.
West looked defeated, broken, and tired in a way that wasn’t only physical.
Axel couldn’t stand it. He cleared his throat, and his voice only shook a little when he asked, “Do you want to come lay down with me?” He held his breath and waited for an answer.
West didn’t move from where he stood for several minutes. He fisted his hands on the dresser and his biceps rippled. “Why?” West turned his head and the pain in his eyes broke Axel’s heart. “Why would you want me anywhere near you?”
Axel got up. It was evident that West was deeply insecure, and possibly self-loathing, and Axel could understand why. The man had a generous heart and a good soul. The evil that had been done to him had probably shredded his innocence in a way nothing else could have.
Axel had to decide in the next few seconds if he wanted West and all the weirdness that might entail. He needed to be certain, of himself, his feelings, because West didn’t need another person fucking him over.
“You know, when I was with Jukie, he was cruel at times, and so self-involved that he never even knew I was there half the time, not unless he wanted something. I would have stayed with him even then, if he’d showed me there was even a glimmer of hope of him loving me, really loving me. Instead he cheated on me and didn’t even bother to try and hide it the last few months we were together.” Axel watched as West turned around fully to face him. “It hurt, but not like it should have. Not that gut-wrenching, losing the love of my life kinda hurt that I would have felt if I’d loved him. And that’s when I knew—I’d been lying to myself all along, because I wanted to love someone. I just couldn’t love him.” He dipped his chin but kept his gaze on West’s. “I’m not in love with you. We don’t know each other well enough for me to be. The funny thing is, the idea of losing you scares me, and it hurts right here.” Axel laid his palm over his heart. “That’s got to mean something, West. You mean something to me.”
West shook his head.
Axel growled a little and before he knew it, he was striding to West. “Don’t tell me it doesn’t. Don’t hold it against me, the way I acted when I found out you’re a vampire. Of course it freaked me out. I can’t even process it yet! And it scared me, but it scares me more to think of letting you go and never seeing you again.”
He stepped closer and, hand shaking, cupped West’s cheek. “Do I look like I’m scared to touch you? Like I’m disgusted, or whatever you seem to think I should feel about you and all of this? Or do I look like a man who knows he’s got someone special and isn’t willing to throw you away because some evil fucker hurt you and turned your life inside out?” Axel leaned even closer, until his lips brushed against West’s. “Do you think I’m that shallow?”
The little barb seemed to get through to West. His eyes widened then narrowed. “No! I’m just a mess and—”
“And I want to try,” Axel said. “I want you to try. Let’s not throw away the chance we have with each other.”
“You really mean that.” West didn’t ask—he said the words with a hint of awe.
“I really do,” Axel agreed, then he kissed West, pressing up against him, eager, happy, and still a little scared, but now for other reasons that he couldn’t dwell on and wasn’t even sure he knew the cause of.
West wrapped his arms around him and Axel felt the tension leave him. He had given that to West, had removed the pain and fear from him and exchanged it for something bright and shiny.
West sighed, this time the sound a much happier one when he ended the kiss. “Can we go back to bed? Just to sleep?”
Axel took his hand and led him to the bed.
Chapter Seventeen
Terrence was waiting for him and as soon as West slipped inside the coven doors, he was whisked off into the bathroom before he could see his siblings.
“What happened?” Terrence demanded worriedly. “I made sure the kids were fine and
got off to school and everything. You know I love those little monsters like they’re my own kin.” There was a brief glimpse of pain in Terrence’s eyes. “You’re lucky to have them.”
“I know.” West sighed and leaned against the gray marble countertop. “I screwed up. You warned me.”
Terrence gasped. “The mirror?”
West nodded.
Terrence patted his hand. “Don’t worry, honey. It’s a rookie mistake. You just tell Herve and he’ll lecture you about being more careful, then he’ll go do his mind-meld vampire-voodoo thing and make Axel forget everything, including you.”
“What?” West shook his head. “No. No, he can’t do that!”
“Why not?” Terrence asked, his head canted so that he reminded West of an inquisitive puppy waiting to decide if he should pounce or bark.
West frowned. “Because.”
“Oh, yeah, that’ll stop Herve from doing it.” Terrence snorted. “You’re going to have to give him a better reason than that.”
“Because I want him. Axel. I want Axel,” West finally strung together.
Terrence’s eyebrows winged up. “You want him? Like to fuck?”
West winced. “I want more than that.”
“I see. So you want to feed from him.”
“No!” West didn’t want to feed from anyone.
“Oookay,” Terrence drawled. “So more than fucking, less than a mate. That means he gets his memory zapped.”
“But—”
“Did you tell him what you are?” Terrence asked.
West nodded, unable to look at him. “Yes.”
“Shit.” Terrence paced away from him, over to the large shower stall. With his back to West, he continued speaking. “He’s not going to let the guy’s memory alone then. He can’t, West. You gotta see how dangerous it is for us if he does. Herve won’t put the whole coven at risk just because you want a little more than dick but not as much as a mating with Axel.”
“But I haven’t known him long enough to know what I want with him!” West rarely raised his voice, but panic and confusion were lighting his temper. “I just want to get a chance to know him!”
“You blew that when you exposed us,” Terrence said in a solemn voice. “This is why we aren’t allowed to tell a human what we are until they’ve committed to us. Yeah, I’ve seen some of ’em get really pissed off, but they understand why they weren’t told sooner.”
“I don’t want to bite anyone,” West muttered. “I’ll keep using the bagged blood. I’m not—”
“Biting someone, so understand that you’re not ever going to have a mate, either.” Terrence turned back to him. “There is nothing wrong with biting a willing partner. Nothing. They enjoy it, a lot. Even if they aren’t mates, they enjoy it, and they never know they were actually bitten if you do it right, just think it’s a hickey.”
“I still won’t do it.” West’s stomach cramped. Inside his head, that new, predatory part of him was rising to life, hunger bringing it out. “I won’t. That’s a horrible thing to do to someone.”
“Then you’ll never have someone of your own to love in a romantic way.” Terrence walked over to him and glared. “And fuck you for thinking I’m horrible—the whole coven of vamps, for that matter, are scum in your eyes.”
West opened his mouth to try to clarify what he’d meant.
Terrence narrowed his eyes. “Don’t deny it. I know what you think about me. Funny that you still left me in charge of your family, seeing as how I’m such an immoral bastard.”
“Terrence, I didn’t mean—” West was talking to the door as Terrence closed it behind him.
West hung his head and groaned. God, how did he fuck things up so badly? More importantly, how could he fix it? He’d insulted the one good friend he had there. Did he really think Terrence and the other vamps were monsters? Well, he kind of thought all of them were monsters, himself included.
But were they?
And if so, what did that make him for leaving his family here with the other vamps?
West groaned again. He was a mess, and he’d thought he was doing so much better. He trusted Terrence, and he had found nothing but support and kindness in the coven.
So how could he blend that into the reality that most of the vamps bit living, breathing humans?
West crammed the heels of his hands against his eyes. It was too much to figure out. He knew he was being too rigid on the subject of biting. Just because he didn’t want to do it didn’t mean it was some great sin, nor was it proof of a lack of morality.
“Jesus,” he mumbled, wondering why his head was always such a mess.
A knock on the bathroom door startled him. “Just a sec. Almost done.” West needed to think before he went back to Axel in a few hours, once the kids were asleep. Maybe he could avoid Herve until tomorrow.
West opened the door and knew he’d jinxed himself with that thought.
Herve studied him for a moment, then said, “West, I believe we need to have a chat.”
Chapter Eighteen
West flushed hot then cold. His palm began to sweat where he gripped the doorknob. “Yes, sir.”
Herve narrowed his eyes.
West tried not to fidget, but he was so close to panicking he couldn’t keep from twitching here and there.
Herve snorted. “For god’s sake, boy, calm down. I’m not going to stake you.”
West bobbed his head jerkily.
“Come along.” Herve gestured then turned and strode away.
West hurried after him. Herve was very tall, and very thin, and his long legs carried him faster than any man should be able to walk with such dignity. West had to jog to keep up at times.
Herve entered his office and waited until West came in before shutting the door. “Sit,” Herve directed.
West did so while Herve walked around to his desk and took a seat.
Steepling his fingers under his chin, Herve studied him.
West squirmed in the chair, keeping his gaze averted.
“West,” Herve sighed. “I’m not pissed off, nor am I going to turn you and your brothers and sisters out. You are all now part of this coven. Making a mistake won’t change that.”
It was a relief to hear, but there was still the matter of Axel. West forced himself to look Herve in the eyes. “A-and Axel?”
Herve frowned. “Axel, what a name.”
“It’s a nickname,” West murmured.
“Good, for a moment I thought his parents just hated him,” Herve said. “So, what about Axel?”
It was West’s turn to frown. Was Herve just messing with his head, or trying to?
Herve leaned back in his chair. “Is he your lover? Or a fuck? Is he trustworthy? Will he expose us? How long have you known him? How well do you know him? Do you want him for your mate?”
West’s head spun from all the questions. He tried to tackle them one at a time. “I…I don’t know what he is to me. We’ve only just last night…” His face heated with a blush and he couldn’t contain his concern for Axel any longer. “I want more from him than that. Please don’t mess with his memory! He doesn’t deserve that.”
Herve shrugged. “Shit happens to people that don’t deserve it every day, every moment of every day. Life is not about fairness and who deserves what. Good doesn’t always win and love doesn’t conquer all. These are truths that you must learn to accept, West. We aren’t living in a fairy tale.”
West hated confrontations, and he appreciated all that Herve had done for them, giving him and his family security and a sense of normalcy—as much as was possible—but he couldn’t roll over on the subject of Axel. “I know we don’t, believe me,” West said with a trace of bitterness. He did well to suppress the brunt of it. “I wouldn’t be a vampire if we lived in a fairy tale. I wouldn’t be an orphaned son raising his siblings. I’d have my parents back. I wouldn’t even know vampires existed because I wouldn’t have been in that alley. But it did happen—my parents died. I took over r
aising my brothers and sisters. I went to a club and out to that alley because I was stupid and naïve and…and…” His face burned. “Lonely. It cost me, and maybe you think I should be over it already, but knowing I’ll probably outlive all of my family for many generations to come is terrifying. I can’t take much more loss, much more pain. How do I cope? I don’t know. I fake it, I try, I do what I can. Axel, he makes me happy. I feel safe and good, like everything isn’t so hopeless when I’m with him.” He leaned forward. “Please, don’t hurt him. Don’t mess with his mind, or any other part of him.”
Herve didn’t answer for what felt like a very long time. Then he grunted. “I want to meet him, to judge for myself. You are still quite naïve, but not, despite what you think, stupid, nor have you ever been, I would wager.”
“Thank you,” West said with heartfelt relief. “For not hurting him and for—”
Herve held up one hand. “Erasing his memory wouldn’t hurt him. I wouldn’t harm a human,” Herve rumbled. “Even when I feed from one, I bring only pleasure to them. If, for any reason, I believe this man is a danger to us, I will do what I must and no amount of pleading from you will stop me. If I do decide to give him a chance, you will have one week to convince him to join our coven and be your mate. If he doesn’t agree by then, he will be neutralized as a threat, and he’ll not know who you are eight days from now.”
Chapter Nineteen
Very aware that he’d have to be going home in a few days, Axel paced the room as he waited for West to arrive. There were still a million questions and doubts swirling around in his mind, but he’d decided not to inundate West with all of them.
If he wanted a long-term relationship with West—and he did—then Axel knew he’d have to extend some trust and faith first.
He’d had plenty of time to think about West, innocent, scared, lonely…and attacked viciously by a beast wanting to use him as a pawn in some stupid war of the egos. It made Axel’s chest hurt and his eyes tear up more than once when he envisioned West. He could imagine West’s terror even though he didn’t want to. The images wouldn’t leave him alone, and Axel felt scarred by them.
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