Oh, dear God.
BEN: And I thought I'd better let you know before you accept the part.
JULIE: I'd never have guessed.
BEN: No, well you see, you wouldn't. They, I mean alcoholics, are very cunning at hiding their little vice. You can't believe a word he says. I mean, just now he said he was going out for a coffee.
JULIE: Well, where has he gone?
BEN: Out to his car for a couple of shots, and to top up his hip flask.
JULIE: (Apparently shocked) Hip flask!
BEN: You watch him. Every so often he turns his back on you for a quick gargle.
JULIE: Oh dear, the poor, poor man.
BEN: Yes, that's what most people think - until they witness his towering rages.
JULIE: Rages...
BEN: He gets uncontrollable. Dangerous, actually. I hope you're quick on your feet.
JULIE: Why?
BEN: The leading lady in his last play had seventeen stitches above her eye because she was a bit slow on her feet. She didn't see the ash-tray coming.
JULIE: Ash-tray...
BEN: Yes, he throws things - anything close to hand - whenever something on stage annoys him. And when he's drunk, just about everything annoys him.
JULIE: I had no idea.
BEN: And then there's all the ranting and screaming. Foul obscenities, blasphemy. You have to be thick-skinned, I can tell you. So that's why you'd be much better off if...
JULIE: But that's where you're wrong. Everything you've said just makes me more determined to get into this play.
BEN: What?
JULIE: I can help him. I know I can. He just needs sympathy and understanding.
BEN: But the violent rages....
JULIE: I won't let him touch the bottle. I'll stick to him like glue so he doesn't get a chance. You're a bad nephew, you are.
BEN: Eh?
JULIE: Just letting him go outside like that when you knew he was going to be drinking. The poor man. Ruining himself, and no one to lift a finger to help. Don't you know that alcoholism is just a cry for help? I must go to him. (Exits, left)
BEN: Not quite what I was expecting, but it'll cook her goose anyway. He just can't stand people fussing over him. And if she so much as mentions the hip flask....
JILL: Then I'll be a certainty for the part.
JASMINE: You! This part does require some acting ability.
JILL: Of course, and since you have none...
JASMINE: Oh, doesn't she have big ideas of herself.
JILL: Coming from you, that's rich.
BEN: Before you scratch each other's eyes out, remember, we have to play this carefully. If she lets on that I said he's an alcoholic before he boots her out of the theatre....
JILL: That's your worry.
BEN: Thanks a lot, but it's yours too.
JASMINE: Why?
BEN: Because then she gets the role, that's why, stupid. So if she says anything, it's in both your interests to back me up. Understood?
(The girls look at each other. Enter director and Julie, left.)
JULIE: (To bemused director) And my Grandfather spent so much of his money on alcohol, that my poor Grandmother couldn't feed her children properly.
FERGUS: This is all very interesting, but what's...
JULIE: And he'd come home in these terrible rages, and terrify Mum and my uncles. But you know what was so sad about it?
FERGUS: No, I don't, and I don't care. Now...
JULIE: He was really a very nice man deep down. It was the drink that ruined him.
(Julie follows director to front stage right.)
FERGUS: Yes, I expect it was very tragic. But I'd really like to get on with these auditions so I don't keep you here all night. We'll do the death scene now. I'll do the Friar Laurence part. Ben, this bit should suit your acting talents perfectly.
BEN: Excellent. Where do I stand?
FERGUS: You don't stand - you lie down over there - you've been dead for the past half hour.
BEN: Uncle Fergus...
FERGUS: Over there, post haste. Now, Juliet...
JILL: (Jumping- forward) Me this time.
FERGUS: You lie there. Page eighty in the script. You're about to wake from a death-like trance. Now I'll do the lead-up bit, and pay close attention. It should be an object lesson for you in how to act Shakespeare. The key to it, as Julie knows, is to be as like real life as possible. (To Julie) It's all right, you don't have to stand next to me. It cramps my style when I'm trying to act. (Julie moves away a couple of steps) Thank you. Now here goes. Romeo! 0 pale! Who else? (His gestures are stylised, stilted and anything but natural) What, Paris too? I forgot to mention, the body of Paris, Juliet's intended, is lying over here. And steeped in blood? Ah, What an unkind hour is guilty of this unkind chancel - The lady stirs. (Jill wakes)
JILL: 0 comfortable friar.
FERGUS: Not so quickly. Remember you've just been in a deathlike trance. Try it again. The lady stirs.
(Jill performs an exaggerated awakening.)
FERGUS: Hurry up.
JILL: (With a glare) 0 comfortable Friar! Where is my lord? I do remember well where I should be. And there I am. Where is my Romeo?
FERGUS: I hear some noise. Lady, come from that nest of death, contagion and unnatural sleep. I'll skip the next bit. The watch is coming. Come, go, good Juliet. (Looks up at imagined noise) I dare no longer stay.
JILL: Go get thee hence, for I will not away. (Director returns to front right stage. Julie returns to his side.) What's here? A cup, closed in my true love's hand. (She picks up his hand and drops it abruptly) Poison, I see has been his timeless end. 0 churl! Drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help me after? I will kiss thy lips. You've got to be joking! I don't have to, do I?
FERGUS: It's only acting. It doesn't mean anything. Come on, get on with it.
JILL: (Pulling a face) Haply some poison yet doth hang on them, To make me die with a restorative. (Goes to kiss him. Ben's arms come up to hold her. She slaps his face.)
BEN: Ow. That's not in the script.
FERGUS: You're supposed to be a corpse. Now let's do this properly. Who's next? (Jasmine steps forward) Just take it from What's here?
(As Jasmine speaks, director, rubbing stomach, turns away and goes for his hip flask. Julie moves alongside him and prevents it.)
JASMINE: (Over-acting) What's here? A cup, closed in my true love's hand? (Clasps his hand to her) Poison, I see has been his timeless end. 0 churl! drunk all, and left no friendly drop To help me after?
FERGUS: Relax.
JASMINE: Pardon, Sir?
FERGUS: You saw me acting, didn't you. Try to be more natural.
JASMINE: I will kiss thy lips. Haply some poison yet doth hang on them To make me die with a restorative.
FERGUS: Thank you. I've had ... I mean, I've seen enough. (To Julie) Instead of hanging around me like a shadow, will you try the same part? Stay where you are, Ben. You're perfect in this role.
(Julie goes over. Director turns away and takes out his hip flask. Julie sees it, rushes over to him and snatches it off him.)
JULIE: There'll be none of that, if you don't mind.
FERGUS: Give that back to me.
JULIE: No, never. I shall pour out every last drop.
FERGUS: But ... But...
JULIE: And you must swear never again.
FERGUS: But... but ... I need it. Now. Give it here. (She turns away)
JULIE: Swear first. (Ben to his feet, very watchful)
FERGUS: What! Why?
JULIE: Swear never to let a drop of that evil liquor pass your lips.
FERGUS: But it's only milk.
JULIE: (Smiling at him) That's how my Grandfather was, always inventing fibs to cover his beastly habit.
FERGUS: But it's not a beastly habit. It's for my...
BEN: (To Julie) Don't be stupid. Give him his bottle back. (Grabs it and hands it back to his Uncle)
JASMINE: (To Julie) My God, I've never seen anything like it. Leav
e the poor man alone.
JILL: I think you'd better go before you cause any more trouble.
JULIE: (Sticking to her guns) But I won't let him. (Grabs back the hip flask) How can you just stand by while he drinks himself to death?
FERGUS: Drinks himself....
JILL: (Trying to push her out) Get lost you little troublemaker.
FERGUS: But it's only milk for my ulcer. What did you think it was? (Jill stops pushing)
JULIE: Milk! But it's alcohol.
FERGUS: Open it and have a sniff. (Julie opens it and sniffs)
JULIE: But, but, Ben told me...
JASMINE: Oh, you shameless little liar. I was here all the time, and he never said a thing.
JULIE: But you must have heard him, both of you.
JILL: Oh, I get it. You saw the flask and jumped to the wrong conclusions. And now you're trying to put the blame on the three of us.
JASMINE: You want Mr. McAlister to get angry with us, so you get the part. Oo, you disgusting little witch.
JILL: That anyone could stoop so low.
JULIE: (Starting to cry) I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry. (Bursts into tears)
FERGUS: I get it. I'm starting to see the picture. Now, just dry your eyes, you poor little girl.
JILL: Poor little girl - can't you see she's a scheming...
JASMINE: She's twisting you round her little finger.
FERGUS: Leave her alone. I think the three of you have said too much already. It's nice to know that my affliction is a source of amusement to you. Well, the joke's over now. Here you are, you poor thing. (Gives her a handkerchief. She blows her nose very loudly)
JULIE: Thank you, Mr. McAlister. You're such an understanding man.
JILL: But you mean you're going to take her word against the three of us?
FERCUS: (Long pause during which he looks at the three, then at Julie) Yes. (To Julie) Now do you think you're up to reading some more of the part?
JULIE: I think so. I'll do my best, but it might not be very good. I'm still a bit upset.
FERGUS: That's all right. I'll make allowances.
O Juliet, Juliet Page 3
