Operating opium dens is 100 percent legal now. There’s nothing anyone can do about it. For the Chinamen’s hard work, I agree that they can all live in the den once they are finished. I also agree to give them a cut of the profits for running the place. Don’t worry, it is something like 1 percent. Again, these people are just grateful to live and work here, so I am basically doing them a favor.
As the building progresses in town, life on the home front has been surprisingly pleasant. Louretta is happy with the new additions to her garden, the kids are all learning karate, and I have been having sex with most of the girls that I brought back from overseas out in the paddies. It is probably one of the most joyful times I have experienced as a married man. It is like being Mormon but with way hotter women, and my wife doesn’t know. Actually, it is nothing like being Mormon; I’m just committing adultery again.
As the summer goes on, I see various Schläger brothers spying on me from high above in the hills. Normally, I would kill them and think nothing of it. This time, however, I want them to be curious about my every move. I also want them to see me having sex with these women in the fields, partly for business, but mostly because I’m into that shit. I enjoy an audience, and I like to be watched—big fucking deal.
So I wait, and let them watch me fuck the entire summer. Just as the season is about to turn to autumn, Samantha and his boys ride up over the hill in a carriage behind my steed with huge smiles on their faces. I see a glint in Samantha’s wooden teeth that I haven’t seen before, or maybe a termite chewed a little piece out; either way, I know that it is time.
“It’s ready, boss,” he says enthusiastically.
“Son of a bitch! Man, this feels good. I’m so proud of us that I want to throw a party tonight, which you’ll obviously set up. Why don’t you guys make me some of that rice wine so I can get insanely drunk?”
“We’d love to! You deserve it after how hard we’ve worked all these months!”
“Tell me about it. My leadership skills are better than I give myself credit for. Now go get a jump on that wine, okay? Daddy needs to get his beak wet.”
Then they scurry off. I can tell they are excited, because they actually show a different emotion than “frozen by fear.” As I walk through the rice paddies with the sun setting behind me, a cool breeze picks up, sending tingles down my body, probably indicating change or some form of STD. I shiver a little bit but refuse to put a shirt on. A young woman, Soon Lee, who I’ve been balling for close to a year, maybe longer (they really all do look alike), peeks her head out of the paddies and politely waves at me.
“Mr. Street James, can we talk?” she asks shyly.
“Yeah, I guess. You’re kind of ruining this sunset for me, but go ahead.”
“I’m so sorry. I just wanted to tell you that . . . I’m pregnant.” She then steps out from behind the paddies, revealing her huge stomach, indicating that she’s very late into her third trimester. It actually looks like she could give birth any second.
“I know you’re pregnant. I’ve known for days.”
“You are the father.”
“I figured. I never pull out.”
“Will you be there for me and our baby?”
I smile warmly at her and answer, “Probably not. I’m not even really here for my own children with my real wife, so you’re more than likely going to have to ride solo on this effort.”
“Is there at least a chance? I will wait for you.”
“Maybe someday soon—”
“That’s so nice to hear.”
“No, you didn’t let me finish. Maybe someday, Soon Lee, you will meet another man who will care for you and the child. I’m just not him. You’re a special flower that deserves to be watered on. I gotta go. We cool?”
“Yes,” she says as she nods her head and bows to me.
“Also, could you grab that wheelbarrow full of broken rocks and discard them about a mile down the river? Thanks a bunch.”
As her nine-months-pregnant body struggles to lift the heavy wheelbarrow, I notice a couple more Schläger brothers on top of the hill, spying on me in the distance. Since we’re opening tomorrow, I decide now would be the perfect time to test the opium out on potential customers. I hop on my steed and ride in from behind, surprising them with my pistols drawn. They damn near shit themselves going for their own guns.
“Don’t do that, boys; I already have the jump on you. If I had wanted you dead, I would have killed you by now.”
“Well, what the hell do you want, then?” one of them asks.
“To bury the hatchet. Let bygones be bygones. You killed my son, I killed half your family, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. How about a little herbal peace offering?”
I pull a long Chinese pipe and a box of matches out of my pants. They look at me suspiciously as they examine the pipe. It’s obvious they haven’t seen anything like this before. One of them even sniffs the contents of the bowl.
“What is this, some of that crazy enjun shit?” he asks.
“You mean peyote?”
“Yeah, peyote. That shit made me wrap my entire body in leather, cut out only a mouth hole to breathe, and jump off the roof of my house. I landed pecker-head down in my wife’s cactus.”
“That actually sounds like a blast, but no, the stuff I got here has been shipped in from the Orient. It’s a new drug called opium, and it’s the smoothest high you’ll ever have. No hallucinations, and it makes you want to have sex even if you don’t.”
“That’s bullshit. I never heard of it,” the other Schläger says.
“It’s brand new to the States. I’m opening up a whole new whorehouse in town tomorrow that will exclusively sell it. You sure I can’t interest you in a toke?”
They both confer with each other, then smile at me. “You smoke some first to prove that it’s safe,” one of them says.
“You don’t have to twist my dick to smoke this shit.”
I strike a match off the bottom of my boot and light the bowl. Through the flame I can see them eyeing me cautiously as I inhale deeply and blow out huge smoke rings. I then pass the pipe to them. Not wanting to be pussies, they each take a hit and try to hold it longer than I did. When they finally exhale, they immediately break into fits of laughter. I pat them each on the back as they continue to smoke. With each puff, they become more entranced in the opium haze. One of them wiggles his fingers in front of his face.
“Man, I feel amazing, and you’re right, I do want to have sex. Matter of fact, I might go stick my dick in that hollowed-out tree knot over there.” He points to a large oak tree down by my house.
“Uh, dude, I got kids and shit. You can totally fuck a tree on the way back to your place if you want, though. Have a good night.” I turn and hop back up on my steed to ride off, when one of them calls out, “Hey . . . do you got any more of that shit?”
I smile to myself before turning around. “I sure do. Stop by my grand opening in town tomorrow. Invite your brothers if you want.”
“Okay, but what time specifically do you open? Because I will be there at whatever time that is.”
“Noon. See you gentlemen tomorrow.” I tip my hat and ride off not saying another word, knowing that they are already hooked.
After dinner when Louretta is putting down the last of our children, I stop to have a cigarette with Daniel in his room. I wait outside his door until he is finished jacking off. He’s fourteen now, so that’s pretty much all he does all day. Like father, like son. Speaking of which, my father never let me borrow his socks after the age of ten, a trait that I’ve taken to heart as well. I knock on the door to make sure it is safe.
“Um, come in, I’m not doing anything,” Daniel says hurriedly.
“It’s your old man, just wondering if you want to have a cigarette?” I ask as I carefully open the door. “You look out of breath; should I come back?”
“No, it’s okay, I was just doing push-ups.”
“Well, it is important to wo
rk on your core, but remember to always properly warm up before any exercise. Warming up reduces the risk of injury.”
He looks up at me puzzled. “Um, okay. Thanks, Dad.”
“I’m fucking with you! I know you were jacking off! You think I give a shit about warming up before exercising? Let’s have a smoke, bro!”
I burst out laughing and punch him in the gooch before sitting down at the foot of the bed next to him. We hand-roll a couple heaters and open up the window in his room. Outside I see hundreds of tiny lanterns lit for the celebration this evening. For the first time ever, the Chinese aren’t working. Instead they mingle around the barn, smoking cigarettes and drinking rice wine. Daniel joins me at the window.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it, Dad?”
“That sounded gay, but you probably knew that the second it came out of your mouth, right?”
“Yeah, that was stupid. I’m sorry. Can I come to the party tonight?”
With the sounds of female laughter trickling through the night air becoming more frequent, I can see the eagerness in his eyes. I lean over and put my arm on his shoulder.
“Not a fucking prayer, my man. Your mother would kill me. But you can watch from your window, and I’ll pretend you are sleeping.”
“Okay,” he says, disappointed. As I turn to walk out and leave, he stops me and asks, “What’s going to happen out there tonight?”
“One can never be sure. I just hope I don’t wake up covered in someone else’s blood in a bathtub full of doll parts. Goodnight buddy.”
I walk out with his lantern and quietly close the door behind me. As soon as I turn around, I run smack-tits into Louretta. Both of our lanterns collide and hit the floor, burning down the entire house with all of us in it. Everyone perishes, and there are no survivors. Just kidding. I wanted to make sure you’re still paying attention.
Louretta looks up at me, surprised. “Is he asleep?”
“Fast as shit. I thought he was dead in there for a second.”
“Good. That makes all of them. Are you going to the party?”
“I thought I’d stop by for a drink. I want to tell them they’ve done a great job with everything, but I still want them to know I’m their boss. Why, do you want to go?”
“I don’t know, I could have a tin cup full of wine and let my hair down.”
“If you fucking cheat on me, I’ll kill you!” I say angrily.
“What? No, I just—”
“I’m messing with you. You could never find a man as good as me. After you, Mrs. Street James.” She smiles and takes my arm, allowing me to escort her out into the rice paddies.
Daniel was right, it is beautiful seeing all the Chinese lanterns lit up and strung throughout the garden. I obviously don’t say that out loud, though. As we walk arm in arm, Samantha comes running up with two cups of wine. Half of his wooden teeth are now missing, so I can confirm that termites have obviously infested the rest of his mouth. He seems really happy at the moment, and I don’t want to ruin that by pointing out his teeth.
“We did it, boss,” he says with a more defined lisp.
“Yes, I did. Big day tomorrow. You excited to finally be able to sleep indoors?”
“Oh, yes, my people have always dreamed of sleeping inside of the place they work all day long.”
“I can imagine.”
“Are you guys coming out to the barn for the special party?”
“Oh, I don’t know, Sam.”
Louretta nudges me. “Come on, Saint James, it might be fun.”
“Lou, people are going to be smoking opium and wearing animal masks. Shit might get wild.”
“I’ll try it. I should at least know the kind of business you’re getting into.”
I look at Sam and shrug my shoulders. “Okay, give her the pipe,” I tell him.
Samantha smiles and pulls a pipe out of his back pocket. By the way, Chinese people carry pipes on them at all times, which is just fucking classy.
Samantha loads her up a bowl, and I instruct Lou to hold it in as I light it. She’s a woman, so obviously she chokes on it and coughs out all the smoke like she’s dying. Her eyes start to water and her cheeks get red, then suddenly she bursts out laughing. I take a toke of my own, and we pass it around several times before walking over to the barn.
Samantha flings open the barn doors, and a giant plume of steam hits us in the face. I close my eyes and take it all in, inhaling deeply. Memories of my first night in China come flooding back. I know exactly what the fuck is going down in here.
Once inside, I see they’ve set up a makeshift bathhouse with people washing each other and having sex inside all the giant horse troughs from the stables. I’m initially surprised at how much water they have taken out of the river. Then I remember they are Chinese. Never doubt their fucking efficiency and attention to detail. The only thing different from the Orient is that this time, there are men in there as well.
I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a penis on a Chinaman, but it’s like looking for an acorn in a pile of autumn leaves. When you first see one, there’s a lot of algebra involved. You start calculating length times width minus body size. It’s hard to tell if their dicks are that tiny, or if they just grow insane amounts of pubic hair? Truthfully, that’s a question for the scholars. Louretta gasps and covers her mouth.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
“Yeah, I just never expected that this went on. They seemed like such friendly people.”
“To be fair, they’re all still really friendly, but even I didn’t know four people could 69 at the same time. It’s pretty fucking rad, but if you want, we can leave.”
“No. I want to stay. You only live once, right?”
“I hope that phrase never catches on. Since we are going in, we should have a safe word.”
Before I can tell her my safe word is “harder,” two beautiful nude Asian women grab her and lead us to a trough. They take our clothes off and put us into a makeshift “bath.” Once we are seated, they immediately pour hot water all over us. Everyone is smoking opium, and pipes are being passed from trough to trough. When a pipe is passed to us, Louretta grabs it and takes a deep pull, but this time she doesn’t choke. Instead, she French inhales slowly like she’s been doing this shit for years.
Instant seduction kicks in, and she moves toward me and straddles me Indian style, wrapping her legs around me. The two Asian women hop into the tub, each one taking a seat behind Louretta and me. They begin massaging us as we fuck. Notice how I didn’t say “make love” in that last sentence? That’s because whenever there are two strangers buck naked with you in a horse trough that doubles as a bathtub, you’re definitely fucking at that point.
In my head, I’m thinking that Louretta will immediately be freaked out by this, but instead, it’s quite the opposite. This shit is going down. Eventually, we end up swapping Asian chicks. Louretta makes out with one like she’s back in an Irish private school while the other one rides me, and Louretta is cool with it too.
As the hours pass, Louretta must get with ten different girls, as do I. Obviously, the Chinamen know I am their master, so nothing happens on the “other dude” tip with the missus. One dude does try to suck my dick, but I politely put the kibosh on it. He got caught up in the moment, and I understand.
Things become really hazy around 4 AM, when I see two more Asian women lead my steed into the barn. They begin to wash him with giant sponges; one girl even puts a hoof in her mouth. Look, I’m into some fucked up shit, but even I have to turn away at this point. Good for him and all that, but I don’t need to see it.
As things take a turn for the bizarre, a blood-curdling scream rings out in the air. I can tell immediately that this is not a scream of pleasure. I run to the back of the barn, following the sounds of the screams. It’s not atypical for someone to die during a drug-fueled orgy; a lot of people can’t handle their shit. But this time no one is dead; someone is about to be born.
When I finally make my w
ay to the source of the screaming, I stop in my tracks and look down at a nude woman in a trough of water, mixed with blood. It is Soon Lee, and she is having my baby.
One: this is the first and only time in orgy history that someone has physically gone into labor. Two: why do I still have an erection? Fight or flight, I guess. Adrenaline does some strange shit. With her screaming growing persistent, she grabs the sides of the trough with her hands and props her legs up over the sides. When she spots me, she looks up and briefly smiles.
“I knew you would be here for me and the baby,” she says through gritted teeth.
“Yeah . . . I also don’t want to fuck up this orgy, because we have a real good thing going on right now, so let’s shoot this kid out. What do you say?”
She nods and begins to push. A Chinaman doctor runs over and puts a pipe in her mouth, with the opium acting as an epidural. She takes an enormous rip and exhales deeply. I look down and see the baby’s head peeking out. He has my sweet hair. Within what seems like seconds after that first push, she goes from crowning to the full baby shooting out into the water like a dolphin birth. The doctor then bites off the umbilical cord and raises the child high above his head. He says a bunch of shit in Chinese, and everyone cheers. I well up as I look at the baby; he looks like an Asian me.
Everything else feels like a dream after that. I think I see my newborn baby riding through the barn on my horse at one point, but don’t quote me on that. All I know is, I wake up the next morning with Louretta, back inside my house, in my own bathtub . . . full of doll parts and covered in someone else’s blood. My Asian son’s blood, to be exact. Best. Orgy. Ever.
Chapter Fifteen
IT TAKES ABOUT ONE HOUR UNTIL I AM RICH AGAIN
Remarkably, none of the Chinamen are hung over the next day. These motherfuckers are relentless. I nut up and take a Mexican shower—meaning I brush my teeth and put on a cowboy hat—before riding out with Daniel. Louretta waves at me as we leave. There is a strange calmness to her now, as if she has been to the other side and understands it. It scares the shit out of me. Daniel spits out a huge rope of tobacco juice on the ground and hands me a huge wad of chew from his shirt pocket. I upper-lip that shit and flick the reins on my steed.
At Night She Cries, While He Rides His Steed Page 15
