“Ooouuccchhhh!” I mumbled.
“What is it Amber?” Patrick says coming over to my side.
“Pain...I’m in pain.” I cry as best as I can.
Patrick walks to the doorway and grabs Landon’s attention. Landon and the person he’s talking to rush into the room. They come over to me and I notice that Landon was talking to a doctor.
“Ms. Brown, you’re at the Jacksonville Memorial Hospital. Do you remember anything that happened?” She asks me.
“Pain...” I manage to say.
“I’ll give you something for pain. But can you answer a question? You don’t have to speak. Just nod your head for yes, and shake it for no.” The nurse replies.
“Do you remember what happened?” Landon jumps in.
I shake my head. No, I don’t remember. All I know is that I’m in pain, and this doctor better give me something before it drives me crazy.
“Ok, you should start to feel some relief soon.” The doctor informs me.
“Your mom and Dave are on their way, I can’t keep this from them anymore. You’re sick, and you need help. I don’t know what else to do.” Landon says looking into my eyes.
“What happened to me?” I manage to ask in a hushed and crackly voice.
“You did it again.” Landon reveals.
Huh? What’s he talking about? What did I do? I start to think about what all I remember. I know I’m in North Carolina. We came down for Sarah’s funeral. I remember flipping out because Sarah’s make up and clothes were wrong. I remember not going to Donnas’ for the dinner and going back to the hotel. Then, I lay down. That’s all I remember.
“What?” I ask still trying to figure out what he’s talking about.
“You broke our promise. Amber, we found you on the hotel bathroom, lying in a puddle of your own blood. You slit your wrist.” Landon uttered, with sadness in his eyes.
I attempt to remember, but can’t. I go to rub my forehead as I’m thinking and notice my wrist is bandaged up. He’s telling the truth. Oh my Gosh!! What the hell was I thinking? Now, everyone will know my secret.
I look over at Casey and Patrick to see if they look any different. I can see both of them are worried. Patrick’s sitting while shaking his right leg and Casey’s biting her nails. That’s when I realize Landon told me he called my mom.
“You called my mother?” I whisper, making sure I heard him right.
“Yes, I did. I can’t do this on my own. Amber you need help, and I can’t handle this on my own without them. They should be here within the next hour.” He states.
“How long have I been out?”
“We aren’t really sure. It took us a while to get into the bathroom because we had to wait for the manager to come with a key. Once he unlocked the door, we saw you. He instantly starting flipping and ran to the phone. The manager called for help. I tried to get you to wake up but you didn’t.” Landon sputters.
“What were you thinking? Why didn’t you just talk to us? Amber, you could have killed yourself!” Casey yells as she comes to my side.
“Cass, I…” I really didn’t know what to say to her.
“Why didn’t you tell me you had this secret?” Casey asks me.
First of all it’s my secret; I wanted only me to know. Second of all, Casey hasn’t been the best of friends to me lately, and Landon’s still pissing me off. I don’t know what to think anymore. It seems like the two people that are the closest to me are those who seem to be treating me the worst. My mother’s been treating me better then they have lately.
“I couldn’t, I didn’t want anyone to know.” I look over at Landon.
“Amber, I’m done with this. I can’t, and won’t keep your secret any more. This is the second time I’ve almost lost you.” Landon says, shaking his head.
“Like it would matter to either of you! Casey you turned your back on me, and our friendship hasn’t been the best. Hell, most of the time I can’t even trust you. How was I supposed to know I could actually tell you something that means so much to me, and know you wouldn’t tell anyone?” I say as I look at her and then move my eyes to look at Landon. “And don’t you think you have put me though enough? I needed you so much lately and all you have been doing is treating me like I’m a child or crazy. I thought I knew you and I thought you loved me. Now, I’m not so sure. I need your support, and that’s why I agreed for you to come with me down here. Instead, you act like everything I do is wrong. You act like everything I say is questionable. I hate it.” I whisper as I try to yell.
“That’s still not an excuse to inflict this type of pain on yourself.” The doctor buts in. “Your parents are here.” She finishes.
That’s when I see my mom and Dave standing in the doorway. Great!
“Oh, Amber, honey, are you ok?” My mom asks me. She’s crying. Man, I didn’t think I’d see so many people crying in such a short time.
“I’m all right.” I tell her in a low careless voice.
My mother and I have become closer over time, but it makes me sick to see her standing here acting like she really cares that I hurt. I know that when the doctors are gone and my friends aren’t around, she’ll tell me how stupid I am for what I did.
“Mrs. Brown…Hello...I’m Dr. Morris. I treated your daughter when she was brought in. I’d like to talk with you for a moment. Can you please follow me?” the doctor asks.
“Sure.” She replies, and walks out of the room.
“What do you think they’re talking about?” I ask Dave, not sure what’s going to happen now.
“Probably figuring out what’s the best thing to do for you. None of us can trust you alone. It’s like you have to be babysat all the time. I wouldn’t doubt it if it’s one of the reasons your mother didn’t want you to stay with Landon. Obviously you’re still a child and cannot be trusted,” Dave’s says in a cold and distant voice, “How could you do this to your mother at a time like this? You know she’s in pain because of Sarah. Just like you always do, you have to make yourself the center of attention. Just face it Amber, you’re not the center of attention and the world doesn’t revolve around you.”
“Get out! You’re not my father. Therefore, you have no right in this room! This is the last time I’ll say it. Get out!” I scream at him, feeling so much animosity towards him.
There are his true colors. Landon finally sees it. Now maybe he will believe me.
“I’m your father, Amber, and you cannot tell me to leave. I’ll stay because I don’t want anything to happen that’ll cause your mother more pain. Unlike you, I care about how she feels and how stress bothers her.” He scolds.
“I will call for security because you have no legal right in this room. I’m also considered an adult no matter what you think. Therefore, I can make my own decisions.” I retort as my mother and the doctor walk back into the room.
My mom doesn’t look happy. Although, I wouldn’t expect her to be. She just found out my secret, and I never wanted her to find out.
“How long have you been doing this?” She asks.
“I’ll answer all your questions as soon as he is out of this room.” I say motioning to Dave.
“He’s your father and I give him permission to stay.”
“Then, don’t bother asking me any questions because he’s not my father. He has no legal right to be in here. I won’t talk with him in this room. Doctor, please have that man removed from this room.” I request, motioning towards Dave.
“Your mother has a say in what happens here, Amber. But it’s my duty to our patients to see they’re most comfortable while they are here. Being calm and relaxed helps the body heal itself. Therefore, I have to take my obligation to my patient, and do what she wishes.” She replies, “Sir, I’m asking you to please wait down the hall in the waiting room.”
I can tell he is pissed. It’s like I could actually see the fire and smoke coming from him, like one of those cartoons I used to watch on Saturday afternoons. Once the doctor tells him to leave, he finally liste
ns.
“Now that he’s not in here, what did you want to know?” I ask my mom.
“What the hell were you thinking?” She screams.
“Please keep the yelling down. We have other patients in the hospital that need their rest too.” The doctor tells my mom. “I think it’d be best to cover what I have found out first and leave the rest of the questions to the Psychologist. As I have reviewed Amber and her history, I’ve noticed several times within the past year where she was treated for cuts of different sorts.” She says, looking at the file.
“So this has been going on for more than a year?” My mother asks looking shocked.
“I would say so. Amber, can you explain to me why you felt you had to cut yourself earlier?” She asks.
“I prefer not to talk about why. But...” I say as Casey cuts me off.
“I have an idea. Maybe it’s because her best friend passed away, among other reasons.” Casey jumps in defending me.
“I think this conversation needs to be between myself and my patient. I’m asking for everyone to leave the room.” The doctor orders, seeing how upset I am.
Without another word, everyone leaves the room and Dr. Morris sits down in the chair beside me.
“I’m not here to judge you. I just want to find out why, because this is serious. Amber, this could have very well killed you. The cut you made required stitches. I can tell by your physical review and medical records, this has been going on for a while. I have ordered antibiotics and pain medication for you. But I think what will help you the most is talking to someone who specializes in this sort of situation.”She explains.
“You want me to see a shrink?” I ask her.
“Amber, I’m not an enemy. I want to see you well. I see by your record that you live in West Virginia. I’ll have to make a few phone calls but I think it’d be best if you talked to a professional.” Dr. Morris states.
“Are you going to lock me up in a padded room?” I ask holding back tears. This is one of my worst fears.
“No, not unless you give me reason too. I understand that you dread the worst. Being locked away and forgotten about, but there are other ways to treat this. I think you have what is called Bi-Polar Disorder. Do you understand what this is?” She asks me.
“I have heard of it. Yes. But, do I really understand what it is… no.” I tell her.
“Well, first before I explain this to you, I’d like for you to talk to our Psychologist who will evaluate you and make an educated decision as to why you did what you did. She may even be able to help you. Would you be willing to talk to her?”
What do I have to lose now? The worst has already happened, and I honestly want to find a way to really gain control of this. I want to quit. I don’t want to live with this horrible secret. I hate having to hide who I really am.
“Yes, I’ll talk.” I say in a sincere voice.
“Ok, well let me talk to her and see if she's willing to talk to you now.” She says as she stands up, and walks out of the room.
Chapter Fourteen
I sit in the room alone for about an hour when a young female walks into the room. I can tell she’s the shrink that Dr. Morris wants to talk with me.
“Hello, Ms. Brown. My name is Doctor Duke. I’m a Psychologist. Dr. Morris asked me to come in here and talk with you. I understand you’re here because you cut. I reviewed your file and would like to ask you a few questions. Do you mind?”
First of all, Dr. Duke has one hell of a funny name. Second of all, she looks old enough to be my older sister and seems very easy to talk with.
“I don’t mind.”
“Ok, first I would like for you to explain to me what’s going on? Why is it you decided to first cut yourself?”
Talk about being blunt. She doesn’t waste any time.
“I first did it with a friend. We were bullied and picked on in school.” I say making sure I don’t say Sarah’s name, because I know she wouldn’t want anyone to know. Not even a doctor.
“Ok, what did these kids do?” She asks as she continues to write in a notebook.
“They called us names.”
“How did their words make you feel?”
“Well, it made us feel like it would make anyone feel... hurt by their words. It made us angry.”
“Ok, now I’m going to ask you a few questions and I would like for you to rate it on a scale of one to ten: one being not so bad, ten being horrible. Okay?”
“Okay?”
She starts. “I feel like crying all the time or most of the time, and don’t know why.”
“Umm, like an eight or maybe a nine.”
“Okay, I feel like everything is my fault.”
“Yes and no. I know when things aren’t my fault but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like shit. So that would be like an eight.” I bluntly tell her.
“Ok, it’s nice to see you’re being honest. Next, I feel tired at times, and then there are times I can’t sleep.” She says while she looks into my eyes.
“Sometimes, so I would say like a seven.” I ask wondering what these questions are telling her about me.
“Ok, last question. I feel unmotivated and have difficulty doing those things I used to enjoy.”
“Ten!” I say without even blinking. All the questions she asked are so me. Maybe she does understand what I’m going through.
“Now, from those questions, I would say that you’re depressed. I’m not really leaning towards Bi-Polar but it’s totally not out of the question. Do you understand what depression is?”
“Yeah, depressed isn’t happy.” I say sarcastically.
“Depression comes in many different forms, and everyone’s case is different. There are many different symptoms that describe those who suffer from depression. Medication and therapy can help, and most of the time it does when they are given in the correct doses. Depression can be expressed as sadness or feelings of guilt. It can change so many things about a person when untreated, for an example, your cutting.”
I didn’t know this is an actual problem people suffer from. I thought I was angry at the world for no reason. Maybe it’s better explained as misunderstood. This woman actually knows how I feel; it’s a relief I’m not all that crazy.
“So, what do I do?” I ask, worried.
“I would say, talk with a Psychologist. Typically, go to each of the sixteen sessions, and the Psychologist will help you sort out your feelings. They’ll teach you the proper ways of handling your anger or animosity.”
“What are you going to tell my mom?” I ask as my voice breaks up.
“Everything you told me is between us. I'm obligated to keep this between you and me unless otherwise stated. I do however, have to tell her what I think is wrong. She is your parent.”
This isn’t what I want to hear.
“I’m going to go get your mother, April Brown, correct?”
“Yes.”
“I need her to come in here so I can talk with the both of you. So, I’m going to get her and we shall be right back.” She heads out of the room.
Call me stupid but I have never even heard of a thing such as depression. I thought my mind was being stubborn. I’m not happy that everyone’s finding out. Don’t get me wrong on that. I just think if I do everything they want, they’ll let me go back to the hotel, pack my stuff, and go back to the apartment where I’ll be alone. That’s all I want is to be alone. I need time to process this. I need time to grieve.
“Please have a seat, Mrs. Brown.” Dr. Duke states as she and my mom come back into the room.
“Call me April, please.”
“Amber and I have been talking, and by the things that were said, I believe we found out what’s going on. She’s depressed. Now, there are...” She tries to say, but as usual, mom cuts in.
“Depression? What kind of diagnosis is that? My child is not depressed. She has no reason to be. I give her everything I can. I just think she needs an attitude adjustment, and a good punishment.”
“April, please keep an open mind. This is a serious illness, and Amber’s not making it up. It’s not the matter of what materialistic items she has. Depression doesn’t occur because of the lack of a particular cell phone or a pair of jeans. Depression is an imbalance of chemicals within the brain. Sometimes it runs within the family, and at other times there are events to set off the chemicals within the brain that cause the depression.” Dr. Duke explains.
“I’d like to prescribe a medication but in order for it to be effective, Amber will need to take it every day at the same time. I also recommend her seeing a Psychologist when she gets home. I can make a few phone calls and set up the appointment for you.” She says as she focuses on me.
“I’d like that.” I reply.
Honestly, this is a situation I feel I need help with. I was being honest when I told Donna I hope no one would ever have to deal with my death. I want to make sure I’m not the cause, and just the act of nature will be.
“Ok, great. I’ll call a great Psychologist you can follow up with. In the meantime, I think you need to focus on getting that cut to heal up. As for you, April, I think it would be best to lighten up on Amber for her health, and keep your eye on her. This will ensure that nothing happens by accident.” She says.
I know what she means. So, not only do I have to talk with a shrink, I have to be babysat by mother of the year. This is becoming a nightmare. Talking to Dr. Duke isn’t that bad, and finding out I’m really not crazy is great. But knowing I have to be around someone, probably means my mother will make me move back home.
“As soon as we get back home Amber, you and I will go to the apartment to pack your things. You obviously can’t be trusted alone. That much I agree on.” My mom says with resentment flooding her voice.
While Mom’s rambling on with how incompetent I am, the doctor leaves the room. She must have gone to tell everyone it’s okay to come back into the room because I see my quiet room filling with the unwelcome. The unwelcome is Dave.
As soon as Landon comes into the room, as usual my mom starts blaming him for what happened, “You know this is your fault.” She says as she looks in his direction. “There was nothing wrong with her until she moved out.”
Silenced 2: The Overtaking (Silenced Series) Page 9
