I head to my favorite seat and wait, once again. Several people are waiting this time, while a doctor talks to a family off in the corner. I hear a little girl softly talking to her mom, while another is loudly chewing on gum. Kids are annoying. Another woman sits next to me while checking her make up a million times within the few minutes I've been here. I think some people need to realize they're not Barbie and there is no use trying.
Dr. McKinley calls me back. I jump out of my seat and follow her into her office. I hand her the test results. “I hate getting my blood drawn and waiting. That place didn't have many people there, but the kids that came in made me want to beat my head against a brick wall.” I taking my seat.
“Kids can be rowdy at times, especially if they are fed a lot of sugar or have some type of attention disorder. Let's look at your results.”
I lean all the way back in the chair, resting my back and head. Glancing down at my watch, I realize this appointment went from a scheduled hour to almost three. I'm feeling exhausted and want to lie down. I keep glancing over to her, and she looks deep in thought, while glaring at the results.
“I've had a chance to look over your questionnaire and talk to the other doctors you saw. I’ve come to the conclusion you have clinical depression, which is known as major depression.”
“What’s that, and am I on the right medication for it?” I ask, biting my nails.
“It's where you feel really sad or low at times. You may have experienced a decrease in the interest in activities you once enjoyed. By adding in the self harm, this would fall into feeling worthless or your way of handling the pain. It's not uncommon, and there are ways to handle it. Common triggers are grief, social isolation, major life changes, and personal conflicts within relationships. Often, it's also seen when there is some kind of abuse. This is a serious illness, but like I said, it's treatable.”
“Where do we go from here?”
“You're medication is fine. By watching your body language and hearing you talk, you have an anxiety disorder. This explains the Klonopin the other doctor gave you. I want you to continue to take them and write in the notebook. Finding your triggers will help both of us with your treatment. How are the medications working for you?”
“I'm not sure. For the past few days, I've had a dry mouth and was nauseous at times. Other than that, I'm as good as I'm going to get.”
“I want you to take them for about a month. Sometimes it takes a while for them to get into your system before noticing a difference, and for the side effects to go away.”
“Okay.”
“I would like to read your notes about your last episode.” She says holding out her hand for the notebook.
I dig in my bag, grab it, and hand it over. She takes a minute to read through my notes before she looks back up, “You and Landon got into an argument?” She asks.
“Yeah.”
“Do you want to go into detail? If you do, I can help you figure out what may have caused the episode.”
“It's just that Kristen, one of the girls in group, she and I talked. She told me how she overcame cutting and I want to try it. Landon’s not happy about my decision.”
“What did she tell you was her solution?”
“She said when she began to have an urge, she wrote it down and prayed. She placed all her worries and troubles into Jesus’ hands, and He took care of them. It sounds awesome. I think I want to try.”
“There's nothing wrong with that. Amber, you need to do what works for you and not worry about others right now. Your main concern should be your health and the road to recovery. I understand you care for Landon, but sometimes it takes others time for an issue like this to soak in. Give him the space and he may come around.”
“He got an attitude with me, and was short with his answers. I got upset when I thought he was going to break our relationship off.”
“I see. I think your trigger was the thought of being alone. The way it sounds, he means a lot to you, which is only expected. You need time to recover, and he needs time to realize you're sick. It's hard on family members, as well as boyfriends and friends. I've seen it a lot.”
“Have you ever seen a relationship come to an end?”
She looks in me in the eye. “I'm not going to lie, but I'm not trying to scare you either. I have, but don't think because I have seen this before; it's going to happen with you.”
Taking a deep breath and letting it go, I reply, “I'll try my best.”
“I think it’s good to give him some space, and let him come to terms with this himself. Don't pressure him. It may make the situation worse. Focus on your therapy and group for now. When he's ready, he’ll come around. If he doesn't, then you need to pick up the pieces, and move on. Now, I'm going to end our session here as long as you don't have any other questions.”
“Do you think it's stupid of me to think Jesus could help me through this?”
“No, as a matter of fact, I don't. I believe as well. He's done great things for me, so I don't see why he wouldn't want to help you. Here's something I do that may help you, especially if you find yourself fighting an urge. If you're in the middle of a conversation, try to picture Jesus is standing behind you. While you're talking, keep in mind He's there. When you're done, turn around and face Him. If you can look into His eyes and not feel guilt, then what you've done is the right thing. If you find yourself unable to look at Him, perhaps you need to rethink your actions, and make them right. Now this stays between us because I'm not supposed to be giving you a Sunday school lesson,” she says with a hesitant smile.
“I won’t say a word.” I promise putting my stuff into my bag.
We stand at the same time, and shake hands, “Thank you for your time, and everything you've done for me today. I'm sure I messed up your schedule, and I apologize if I was a pain.”
“Oh, I've enjoyed having you, and I could never think of you that way.” She says, following me toward the door. “I want to see the best for you even though we just met. You have potential for greatness and I think you’ll achieve it once you get over this speed bump within your life.”
As I'm walking out I feel much better knowing what’s wrong. I'm broken, and feel with the help of the Lord, I can be fixed. I'm not sure how I feel about Landon not being on board, but I'll listen to what Lily says and give him time. I climb in my car. I pull out of the parking lot and the drive home feels like it takes forever.
Chapter Twenty One
When I get home, exhaustion takes over. As I’m putting my purse and coat down, Mom comes into the hall.
“How did it go?”
We head into the living room while I give her a brief run through of the appointment, and let her know the outcome of what Dr. McKinley said.
“I’m glad she’s able to help you, honey.”
“Do you think its lame for me to think Jesus will help me get through this?”
“Amber this is a decision only you can make. Everyone has their own beliefs. You shouldn’t base how I feel or how Landon feels on what you decide. I believe. Do I go to church every Sunday? No, but that doesn’t make me any less of a Christian. Although some would say it does because Sunday is the Lord’s Day.”
“True.” I say, chewing on my lip.
“Now in my opinion, and don’t allow this to influence the way you feel. I think that with therapy, medication, group, and Jesus; all will be done. I think you’re on the right path. Don’t let anyone try to tell you differently.”
“Why is it, you never showed how you believe before? Or even talked to me about religion and stuff?”
“I want you to form your own thoughts and belief. I don’t want my views to mold yours. I’ve done a bit of backsliding lately and I need to work on that.”
“I’m afraid of what others will think if I do completely live for Him. I don’t want to be a social outcast.”
“It shouldn’t matter. Jesus was a social outcast who didn’t stop spreading the word, even though there wer
e people who disliked it. Remember that.”
“I’m not sure I’m completely ready yet. Some things seem a bit out of this world and other parts of it don’t make sense.”
“Only the Lord can answer those questions for you.”
I know she’s right, but something makes me think various things are phony. How can someone I can’t see, help me? In a way, I think people work hard to get what they want, but there’s that small part of me that’s second guessing.
I don’t want to be dense about this. If there is a God, why does he allow so many bad things to happen to good people? What did I do so wrong that I have this stupid depression, and I can’t control it? Why does he take an innocent life, over one who has done so much evil within the world?
I don’t think a loving God would do that. On the other hand, if bad things didn’t happen to good people, where would caring and compassion come from? Or should it just be human nature to have those types of feelings?
Another point that gets me, is how one came to know there is a life after earth? No one dies and returns to life to give their testimony. Perhaps the thought of a higher power was comforting to some long lost person, and they created this illusion, that Christ existed for their own comfort.
Then millions of others followed in line, and boom we have a new religion. All these unanswered questions and thinking is bringing on a headache.
I pull myself away from my thoughts, and back into the room with my mom. She’s reading again, and I take this as my way to exit the room without more talk. All of a sudden, I’m not that much into talking.
I head upstairs, shower, and lay down in bed. It doesn’t take me long to fall asleep.
****
I wake refreshed. Thoughts from last night flood my mind, which makes me think of Landon. I haven’t talked to him since our argument.
“Good morning.” I greet him as he answers his phone.
“Hi.” He replies in a yawn.
“Did you sleep well? I’m sorry for yesterday.”
“I could have slept better. It’s okay.”
“Are you coming over today?”
“Are you going to talk about your imaginary friend, and try to persuade me to believe?”
Wow, he’s really being an ass with this. I don’t know why his comment makes me so angry but it does. I’m not even sure how to approach this one.
“Please, stop with those remarks. I didn’t say anything about it, so why even bring it up?”
He doesn’t hesitate with his answer. “See it gets to you when I talk about how I feel, and what I believe. So where is it fair, that it’s okay for you to do it to me?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was doing it. If you come over, I won’t talk about religion or what Kristen believes. Deal?”
“All right, I’ll come over tonight after work.”
****
The entire day goes by without incident of an urge. That’s really impressive. Though Sarah’s death still bothers me, I seem to have my urges under control.
Landon arrives, and an awkward silence between us begins to get the best of me.
“Why are you being so quiet?”
“I don’t know. Tired I guess.”
“I don’t like this.” I complain. “What’s happening to us? You used to be supportive and caring. Now it seems like you don’t want anything to do with me, now that you know about the cutting.”
“I’ve already told you it’s hard for me to understand. I know you’re hurting. I don’t want to add to it by making matters worse.”
“You’re making it worse acting the way you are. You’ve got me so confused. I have no idea what to say to you, or how to approach you anymore.”
He scowls. “I’m dealing with a lot of stress. Work has slowed down, and I lost some of my hours. My truck needs work, and I can’t afford it because of the loss of hours. You’re emotional, and it’s hard to know when I can talk to you. When I do try to talk, all you talk about is religion.”
“I’m excited about it Landon. Why can’t you act like you’re happy that perhaps...maybe...I found something that’ll help me through this? I don’t want to be self centered, but I need your support.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t support you in something I don’t believe in. Religion is a joke. I don’t have proof to say there isn’t a God, but I certainly don’t believe in one. I have my own morals and values to live by in life. I don’t need anything more than that.”
“I’m only thinking of which way is better. What would be the harm in believing? It’s not like you’re going to be hurt by it, if you do.”
“Save the therapy for the therapist,” he says. “I’m done talking about this. Let’s watch a movie.” He starts flicking through the television channels.
****
I get comfortable in the same chair I’ve been sitting in for the three visits before this one.
“You’re being quiet.” Dr. McKinley says, while glaring at me.
“I had a rough week.” I reply feeling overwhelmed.
“Rough week? Care to elaborate?”
“Landon and I are still on the outs. He wants nothing to do with the new path I’m thinking about. Casey and I haven’t talked since we got home.”
“Start with Landon. What happened?”
“He pretty much told me he’s unsure of what to do or how to feel about the cutting. He doesn’t want to hear of any talk about ‘religion’ or anything I’m thinking of when it comes to that.”
“As I told you during our last session, he’s going to need time. Perhaps some time away from him will be good. This will give him time to come to terms, while you focus on you.”
“I thought it was best that I tried to stay connected with those around me during this time?”
“Yes, that’s what I would recommend, if those you choose to be around are supporting you. It sounds like Landon may not be your best support right now. You need to make healthy lifestyle decisions, and keep stress at a minimum. This will have a positive impact on your situation.”
“Okay. Do you think I’ll ever be in a position where I’ll be happy, regardless of what’s going on around me?”
“I do. It is going to take work and trust. Mainly trust in yourself. Not to mention dedication. Amber, anything is possible if you put your mind to it.”
“True.”
“Tell me about Casey.” She says abruptly changing the subject.
“Casey and I met almost a year ago. She’s the first person I found that I could get along with when we first moved up here. Over time, she added more distance in between us.”
“Why do you think she distanced herself?”
“I made the accusation that her father is also my father. She didn’t really like it, and stopped coming around.”
“Why do you find yourself thinking of her, if she’s pushing away from you?”
“Even after everything we’ve been through, I found out the truth. Her father Alex is my biological father. Since that came out, she hasn’t really talked with me.”
“Do you want to form a better relationship with her?”
“I would like to. She’s my sister.”
“We can make that one of your goals.” She says, grabbing a small notepad. “Take this, and we’ll note your goals. I’d like for you to create a few long term and short term goals we can start working towards.”
I grab the notepad and pen. My mind’s blank. The only goal I have on my mind since all of this started is to quit cutting.
“Don’t feel pressured to compile your list now. Take the notepad, and work on it during the week. Try to have as many short and long term goals as you can. We can work on accomplishing as many of those as we can during your therapy.”
“Okay, I’ll try.”
“Have you written in your journal?”
“I have.”
“Great. Any urges?”
“I had six urges, because of the stuff going on.”
“Did you give into th
em?”
“I gave in a few times.”
“How many times is a few?”
“Four,” I say feeling guilty.
I can’t believe I let Landon get to me. I really wish I knew what was going on with him, and why he changed so suddenly. Each urge was caused by him. He doesn’t realize what he’s doing to me.
“Can you remember the causes of the urges which you gave into?”
“Landon.”
“See this goes right back to what I said earlier. Perhaps it might be a good idea to spend time apart. Have you talked to him about the urges springing forth when you two fight?”
“No. When I try to talk to him about cutting, depression, therapy, or group…he wants nothing to do with it.”
“It sounds like he’s having a hard time coping. I’ll tell you what. If he wants, I can talk to the both of you and see if we can reach a half way point. I normally only do this with married couples during counseling, but it seems Landon did a lot for you before he knew about the depression and cutting. Would you agree?”
“Yes, before he found out. He’s the reason why I tried controlling the urges on my own. I feel lost without his support, and I liked it better when he didn’t know my secret. Now it seems like he’s lost in his own darkness.”
“I can see you both during next week’s visit. If you can talk to him and get him to come in, I’ll try to see what’s going on.”
“Okay. I don’t know if he’ll be up for it, but I can ask.”
“Our session is just about over. Remember keep writing your urges and triggers in your journal. Also, try to create your goal list for our next session as well.”
“Got it.”
****
As I walk into group, I see Kristen saved a seat for me. I smile as I walk over to her, “Thanks.” I say as I take off my coat and drape it over the back of my chair.
“You’re welcome.” She replies.
“I was afraid I was going to be late. My therapy appointment ran a bit longer than I expected and traffic is rough getting here.”
“Yeah, it’s crazy in town during the end of the day. Last week I was almost in a car accident because of some chick trying to rush through traffic that wasn’t moving.”
Silenced 2: The Overtaking (Silenced Series) Page 15
