“I’m sorry.”
“I wanted to see if you’d like to join me in therapy this week. Dr. McKinley said it may be good for the both of us, and I’d really like you to be there.”
Silence fills the air between us while I wait for his response. My heart’s racing and my hands begin to sweat, because I’m not sure how he’s going to react.
“I don’t see why not. What time do you go? If I don’t have to work I’ll go with you.”
I let go of the breath I didn’t even realize I was holding. “I’m on the fifth meeting out of thirteen and the next one is at ten in the morning on Wednesday.”
“I can make it. I don’t have to be at work until three. But, don’t you think this should be something your mom should go to instead of me?”
“No, my doctor said for you to join us.”
“Okay. I gotta get off here and get ready for work. I gotta be there early in the morning.”
After we hang up, I feel a little bit more at ease, but I know we didn’t really accomplish anything. I feel better knowing he still cares enough to go with me.
****
The weather is pleasant but it’s really humid. Landon and I agreed that we would meet up in the parking lot to Dr. McKinley’s office and walk up together. I hope he works with us, so I can see what’s really going on.
I know this entire situation is hard, but his actions aren’t making it any better for me. I mainly want all of this behind me so I can move on. I’m tired of living with the darkness, and letting it have control over me.
Landon pulls in and gets out of the car. He seems to be happy when he smiles at me as he walks over.
“Ready?” I ask and motion towards the office doors.
“Yeah, I guess.”
We walk in and I sign in. As we wait, Landon remains quiet while he plays games on his cell phone. “How’s things today?” I ask and wait, but he doesn’t say anything. His focus is still on his phone.
The entire wait Landon plays on his phone while I try to start up a conversation. He doesn’t fall in and talk. I feel like he’s ignoring me or purposely pushing me away. I wonder if he really can’t handle the truth and doesn’t know how to get out of it?
We are called into Lily’s office. As we sit on the couch, Landon still has his phone in hand and continues to play games. Maybe he doesn’t realize it, but the start of this little meeting isn’t giving me much hope.
“Landon, I’m going to have to ask you to turn off your phone and put it away during the session.” Lily informs him as she sits down.
Landon exhales noisily, but listens to her request. He shuts off his phone and slides it into his pocket. As he exhales loudly again, he rests his arm on the side of the couch and puts his head on his hand. The bouncing of the couch brings my attention to his leg thumping like crazy.
Never in my life would I have guessed that he’s the nervous type. Perhaps he really doesn’t want to be here, but he’s doing it to shut me up. Either way, I’m not hopeful any longer.
“I want to start off by saying thank you to Landon for coming and it’s great to see you here.” Lily says picking up her tablet and pen. “Anything new you’d like to share?” She asks looking at me.
“Not really. Everything is the same.” I say hoping she understands I’m mainly talking about things with Landon.
“Landon, can you tell me your feelings on the events that have happened with Amber in the past few weeks?”
Several minutes tick by and it feels like it takes him forever to reply. “I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.” He replies sounding distant.
“Let’s start by breaking it down.” Lily suggests while I sit quietly.
The first half an hour revolves around Landon. Most of his answers are short or he doesn’t know the answers. After half an hour of hearing the short answers, and seeing Landon’s reactions, I’m starting to believe he’s not interested in doing this anymore. Like the idea that something is wrong with me is too much. The support from him I saw in the beginning has disappeared.
Lily interjects. “I can help you sort out your feeling a little better Landon, and help you to see what’s going on if you only opened up a little more. I’m not going to force you to. What I’m seeing is the lack of feeling between you and Amber’s situation. This isn’t a bad thing, because it takes time to digest. Just remember in the process, she’s always fighting that urge. Try to support her as much as you can.”
Lily turns her attention to me. She begins with the normal questions. How are the urges? Did you give in? Are you keeping track in your journal? The same questions are getting on my nerves because they never change. The urges are still pretty powerful, and I’ve given in. I’m keeping track. The day I’m waiting for is the day I can change the answers to something more positive. I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere.
It seems I mainly feel like this when Landon’s around with his half distant answers. I’ve tried to reason with him and tried to get him to open up. For some reason, I don’t think it’s going to happen. I don’t want anyone to think I’m being all about me. I care about what’s bothering him, but there’s only so much time I can take to focus on the solution here. Maybe it’s time to stop worrying about him, and focus on what’s important to me.
I want to heal. Perhaps if I can get past this, Landon can start acting like he used to. From here on out, I’m giving up on trying to fix our relationship. I’ll do what I can to show him I still care, and that I still love him. But I’m not going out of my way anymore to get him on board with my recovery. That’s up to him to do.
Chapter Twenty Three
After the session, Landon and I walk to my car, “I’m going to my mom’s to get things done I’ve been pushing off.” I say, opening the car door and get in.
I really don’t feel like being around him right now. His attitude and reactions in there were depressing. I thought he’d be more open to talking, but I may have been expecting too much. After all, the therapy wasn’t for him.
We kiss before we part. I need time to think and focus on getting better. I hate not having Landon beside me, but I think it might be for the best.
****
As I pull into the drive, I notice a silver car that I haven’t seen before. I wonder who’s here. Mom didn’t mention she was having company today. I quickly grab my stuff and make my way into the house.
I turn into the living room and my heart jumps into my throat. I can’t believe what I’m seeing. Alex is sitting on the couch laughing, and talking to my mom. Great! This is awkward to say the least. This man never cared to get to know me or, at least that’s how he’s been acting lately. Why is he here?
“Hi Mom.... Alex...” I announce as I sit on the sofa beside my mom.
“Hello.” They both reply at the same time.
It looks like they’re getting along and are in a deep conversation. I finish getting comfortable. Neither continues talking but they look at me. “Did I interrupt or something? I can go up to my room.” I comment while they continue to sit quietly.
“Actually, it’d be best if you stayed. I have something I’d like to say.” Alex says, breaking the weirdness of the situation.
“I didn’t do it.” I respond while remembering back to Casey’s house party that I got the blame for.
“It’s nothing like that.” My mom assures me. She sits back and puts her arm behind me, giving my shoulder an encouraging rub.
“Okay.” I reply, hesitantly. I wonder what’s going on.
“Give me a second to get my thoughts straight.” He says, coming off a bit nervous. A moment later he begins, “First, I’d like to apologize to you for how I treated you in the past few months. After I met you officially, I immediately realized who you were. Your face hasn’t changed. It’s still the same as the baby face in this picture,” he finishes as he hands me a photo.
I see a little girl with light brown hair sitting on a porch step. She’s eating an ice cream beside a guy with reddish br
own hair. They’re both smiling while the little girl leans towards the man. It takes a moment to realize that Alex is right. She looks a lot like me. After I’m done studying the photo, I hand it back.
“I’m not expecting you to completely forgive me for how life has panned out. I’m here, because I want to be in your life now more than ever. Casey told me about your recent events with cutting. I’m sorry I haven’t been the father I should have been. Certain circumstances stopped that from happening, but those aren’t an issue anymore.” He stops, and glances in my mom’s direction. “If you’ll let me, I would like to be there to walk with you on your path to recovery. It scares and hurts me to know you’re in pain, and that I’m one of the reasons.
I’m at a loss for words. I have no idea what to say to him. I never thought this day would come. Mom always seemed to close off when I asked her questions about my biological father. Now, here he is sitting in our home, and asking me to allow him to be part of my life. Honestly, I never thought about what I would do if this would come to reality.
“I’m sure Alex would understand if you took time to think about it, and sort through your feelings. Amber, remember that he’s not at fault for not being in your life. I take full responsibility for it. When the events of the past happened, it hurt me and I got back at him in the only way I could. I’m sorry too.” My mom adds.
“I don’t know what to say. This is unexpected. I always wondered what it’d be like to have my real dad around once I found out it wasn’t Dave. I accept your apology for how you treated me. I would like you in my life, but how does Casey feel about it? I mean she had such a hard time when the baby was born because she had to share her dad with him.”
“She understands. As a matter of fact, she should be pulling in any time now. I called her on my way over and told her what I was doing. She got excited and invited herself over.”
Maybe this day will turn out better after all. Even though Landon isn’t here to share this moment with me, it doesn’t get me down. I love the idea of having both Casey and Alex a permanent part of my life. Wonder how Shelly feels? I don’t want her to feel like I’m barging in, if I go over there to visit.
“What’s Shelly say about this?” I ask.
“I talked with her, and she’s okay with it. It was her idea for me to come and talk with you. Let me assure you that I’m not here to try to be your...how do you kids say it...BFF right away. We can do baby steps, if that’s what makes you comfortable.” Alex says.
“I don’t want nor do I need anymore drama. If Casey and Shelly are okay with this...as well as Mom... then I think we can work on it slowly.” I say, as the feeling of a thousand bricks lift off my chest.
I try to hold back tears, but the overwhelming happiness I’m feeling is too much. Tears begin working their way down my cheek as I continue to smile. Today has turned for the better.
“Thank you. I am glad you wanna try.” Alex says.
I add. “I’m trying to live right, and forgiveness is one thing I am practicing. I know before, I’ve been selfish, and needed to grow up. So, I’m turning over a new leaf, and letting go of the past.”
“That’s great. Enough with this mushy stuff... how was therapy?” Mom asks.
“That didn’t go over so well. Landon joined me, but he didn’t have much to say.” I tell her.
“Oh, sorry to hear.”
“If you don’t mind me asking, how’s the therapy working for you?” Alex asks.
“I’m not sure. I’ve had five sessions already, and I met some great people in group, but it’s really nice to come home to support as well.” I say.
“Your mom tells me that your new path in life is by accepting Jesus into your heart. That makes me very proud. It’s a good decision.” Alex mentions, in a matter of fact way.
“I’m still deciding what’s right for me, but I think I’m ready. Do you think Casey would want to go to church with me and a friend of mine?” I ask, not really sure if I should.
“I would love to go.” Casey says from the doorway.
“Oh...you’re here. I didn’t hear you come in.” I smile at her.
“Hello to you too.” She jokes as she sits down. “What did I miss?” She finishes, while looking our dad.
“I told her my plan, and we’ve agreed to take things slow.” Alex says.
“That’s good.” Casey says.
****
Lying in bed, my mind covers the day. It began as emotional with Landon, and surprisingly it ends well because of Alex. I never thought I’d actually agree with that.
The way Casey always portrayed him in the past, I always believed that he was a major jerk. I thought he was too over protective, but now I can understand why. Mom explained more of my past, which makes me feel bad...more for Alex than myself. He tried so hard to be part of my life, but mom’s love for him got in the way. She wanted revenge and took care of it the only way she could, by using me to get back at him.
I invited Casey to go to church with me and Kristen. She gladly accepted. Perhaps, I’ll have her going down this path with me. It sucks that Landon is missing this, but I have to give him space. If not, I’m afraid I’ll continue pushing him away.
While lying in bed, I try to reason with his actions. My mind only comes back to one thought. He doesn’t want to be with me anymore, but doesn’t have the heart to say so. I don’t understand how he could be so supportive before anyone knew, but now he doesn’t want to be anywhere near me.
Chapter Twenty Four
I’m doing really well. It’s been about two months since I was in the hospital. The urges to cut are beginning to be under control now that the stress has lessened a bit. Mom’s seen my progress, and has commented on it. She’s given me permission to stay at Landon’s a few nights a week. I don’t have it in me to clue her in completely, with how things are going between us. I’m afraid there won’t be anything between Landon and me, if things keep going the way they are.
He hasn’t called, texted, or visited since my last session with Lily. It’s been hard, but I’ve managed to leave him alone. I haven’t tried to contact him in any way.
This week is my eleventh therapy session and group meeting. They have been one of the biggest influences on me and my recovery. I’m able to bring a close supporter with me. It’s a hard decision, but I asked Casey to come. If it was up to me, my mom and Alex would be coming too. I can’t believe how supportive they’re being.
I never thought my mom could be like a best friend to me. If someone had asked me a year ago if I got along with her, the answer would’ve been no. Now, I’m happy to say we are the best of friends.
When I have an urge to cut, I can call one of them and know they’re not going to judge me or get mad. Kristen has been a great support as well. Her faith in the Lord is as strong as ever, and I am beginning to see what she meant by He’s always there.
At this point it seems like my week is better when I go to church with Kristen. I didn’t think it would make a difference at first, but it does. It seems like the week goes great, when it starts off with the Lord.
As I finish the final touches to my make up, I call Casey and see if she’s ready to go. I’ve finally managed to talk her into going with me this Sunday. Her attitude has changed a lot towards church, and we have both given our lives to Christ.
****
While walking into the church, I look around to see if I can spot Kristen in our normal seats. It looks like Casey’s a little unsure of how to act. She makes all the same moves I do. I can understand the way she feels. At first, this place intimidated me too. Now, it feels like my second home, and the members are like my extended family.
We take our seats and Kristen gives Casey a quick wave and smile. “Oh, it’s great you decided to join us.” She says.
“Thank you.” Casey replies, looking at me with eyes showing how nervous she is.
“Calm down. Just go with the flow.” I suggest to her.
The pastor calls for everyone’s
attention and the service starts. I really like how upbeat everyone is here. The music is amazing, which originally surprised me. I thought it’d be the normal, like dull piano playing the music, while everyone stood, singing the hymns in monotone voices. I was way off on this one.
They have a band and the music pulls you right in. The pastors add to it as well. Kristen said they consider themselves Christian, but to the world they’re Pentecostal. Either way, doesn’t matter to me because I’m here to serve the Lord.
Once the music worship is over, they take the offering, and the pastor begins his message to the church. As he’s talking, it falls right into what I’m going through. I’m struggling to make it known that I’m a Christian because I’m not sure of how others will take it.
The Pastor made it clear that we are Christ’s soldiers and should be screaming it proudly. He’s right. No one should be made to feel that they can’t freely express their faith, because they’re afraid of what others think. Jesus didn’t care. He did what he knew was right. This service gave me the inspiration to strive to do the right thing, and try to live my life the best I can.
After the service, I leave with more inspiration than what I had before I went in. I feel refreshed, and ready to conquer the world.
“So, what did you think?” I ask Casey on the way home.
“It’s a bit strange. I liked the music but seeing everyone with their arms raised, sort of, made me feel weird. I’m not so sure about why they were going to the altar to pray or why a couple of them had to lie down.”
“It’s a bit different at first, but you get used to it. Do you want to come back?” I ask smiling, and praying that she wants to.
“I don’t see why not.”
“I think I’m going to try to get our parents to come next week. It’d be great to see them there.”
“Good luck with that. Dad’s never been to church from what I remember. Shelly used to go, but over time she stopped.”
Silenced 2: The Overtaking (Silenced Series) Page 17
