by Mary Wine
He’d made the choice to sacrifice his own relationship with her and he wasn’t going to alter that.
He’d made hard choices about his personal life and even when they stung, the knowledge that he was keeping his life from infecting another’s was enough.
It was time to go back to his life.
Helicopters woke her up. They powered up and lifted off as she dressed.
Kalin went down the hallway and stared at the junior officer attached to Devon’s unit. He’d just come through the front door but stopped when he spotted her.
“I’m charged with returning you to base.” He was younger than Gennaro but looked full of the same confidence the major seemed to embody. “I’d like to lift off in fifteen. Your belongings will be moved.”
He cut her a salute and turned in a sharp motion to go back through the front door.
All she was left with was a sense of emptiness. The house was suddenly no longer welcoming. She moved toward the door and looked out to confirm what she’d suspected.
Devon was gone. Three of the helicopters were missing. As she watched, Grace moved into sight and climbed into one of the remaining helicopters. A few moments later, it lifted away.
“I need you.”
Well, apparently Devon didn’t need her anymore. She went back down the hallway and stripped the sheets from the bed. She tossed them into the laundry room before grabbing her jacket and finding the contents of her wallet. Carrying a purse felt wrong, so she used a small backpack to stuff her meager belongings into. She walked down the hallway with its bare walls and outside into the crisp morning air.
For the last time.
A Ranger was waiting for her, waving her forward the moment she appeared. She could have sworn she felt his impatience with his task.
Well, maybe she did. Devon had certainly taught her that gut instinct was more. He taught you more than that.
She ignored her inner voice because she wasn’t sure she could handle thinking about Devon. He’d walked away from her. Maybe she didn’t have any concrete evidence, but she felt it.
And with Devon, that was what mattered.
“You’re better than most of my assignments.” Sonya Roberts flashed him a smile as she settled down in front of him.
Devon didn’t answer her. Sonya was still a kid. Both in age and mentality. She was eighteen, but he was pretty sure he hadn’t been as free with his emotions as she was when he was her age.
“Why not?” she asked.
He crossed his arms over his chest, waiting for her to cut to a pertinent topic.
Sonya smiled. “Take your glasses off.”
He reached up and pulled his shades off. He folded them, slid them into a shirt pocket and reminded himself to not take it personally. The lab-coat brigade would never let his word be the final deciding factor. Oh no. There would be assessments and interviews and tests. All of it would be factored and weighed before he was returned to full duty.
“You’re frustrated,” Sonya declared.
Devon snorted but said nothing else.
“Oh, Devon, you used to be more fun,” she complained. “You’re all closed off.”
“I’m back in control.”
She fixed her light-green eyes on him and he felt her digging through his mind. It wasn’t the merging he enjoyed with Kalin. This was pure invasion and exposure.
“Kalin…” Sonya muttered, half in the real world and half in her mind. She flattened her hands on the table between them.
“Don’t deviate from the meeting agenda,” he warned.
Sonya lost her teasing mood. In fact, it was almost like it was a façade. A really good one because he’d never realized her playful demeanor wasn’t her true personality. He sat up and captured her wrists when she tried to pull them back. She lashed back at him with far more precision than he’d believed her capable of.
She smiled and fluttered her eyelashes again for the benefit of their audience. He released her, respecting her privacy. But he shot her a warning to return the favor. She gave a little sigh.
“You’re all there again.”
She stood up and waited for the door to the interrogation room to open. Garrick was on the other side, watching the proceedings through a one-way glass window.
There were dozens of people watching. They pressed in on him until he raised his defenses to shut them out because it was becoming too much to take. The picking, prodding, rating, assessing, it was pressing against his skull.
But he was lonely inside his shell. There were times it had been his fortress. By nightfall, it was a hollow shell. He finally made it outside and drew in a deep breath. Garrick was the only one still watching him, but his C.O. didn’t step up beside him.
He shouldn’t wonder why.
But he did, and the moment the question crossed his mind, he was seeking the answer. His brain didn’t know how to shut off.
Kalin.
In a moment, he knew where she was and that knowledge burned like a live coal. It took all his strength not to look toward the small block of quarters she was in.
He wanted to.
Wanted to go to her and let her soothe the ache from the day. She’d welcome him.
But for how long?
As much as he longed for her tonight, he knew it would only deepen the pain when she looked at him the way Heather had at the end. She would. He had no doubt, and the day of assessments only confirmed his conclusions.
His life was ugly. Nothing but sharp edges that drew blood every time he bumped into them. Time had toughened his skin, adding calluses that were thick enough to dull the pain. But it turned his stomach to think about the same happening to Kalin.
So he walked away.
Kalin woke up in a sweat.
Her respiration was rapid and her muscles stiff. But at least the nightmare receded when she opened her eyes.
“You’re getting better at controlling those.”
She jumped, a startled cry half escaping her lips.
Only half because Devon lunged toward her and cupped a hand over her mouth. One moment he was part of the darkness, and the next he had her locked in a grip that felt like he could snap her neck if he wished.
“I could.” His voice was full of self-loathing. “That’s why I can’t be here.”
The grip on her neck relaxed, massaging the flesh he’d bruised. He touched his forehead to hers and drew in a deep breath.
“I shouldn’t be near you…”
For a moment, she heard the man she’d shared her body with.
“I can’t be him.” He released her, lifting his head, withdrawing from her.
It felt like he was ripping out a part of her.
“Yes, you can.” She flattened her hand on his chest. “I’ve felt you be him.” She leaned forward and kissed him, but he pulled back. “I think I might love him, and that’s just as scary for me as it is for you.”
He drew in a stiff breath and stood. “No, it’s not. Do you want me to tell you what happened to the last woman who loved me? She grew to hate me and all of this…” He gestured to the military base beyond the concrete wall of her room. “She ran, and before I caught up with her, she shot herself to keep from having an acquisitions team force her into to revealing the location of our baby. That’s what will happen to you if I don’t stay away from you.”
He cussed before turning away from her. Maybe it would have been smarter to let him go, but her heart was bleeding, aching for him.
“Only if I’m stupid enough to not be realistic, and there is one thing I am, Devon Ross, and that is realistic. It sucks sometimes when a patient comes in and the nurse side of my brain knows it’s a lost cause. But it’s a call a good ER nurse has to make.”
“You won’t have anything of your own if I stay in your life, Kalin.”
“Did som
eone tell you that?” she challenged.
He paused. “It’s what happened to Heather.”
“Did she ever try to have anything else?” She reached over and turned on the bedside lamp. Devon’s face was harsher than she’d anticipated. There were deep circles under his eyes and lines etched around his mouth.
“How long has it been since you slept?”
“I see you when I sleep, so I get up.”
The strength of his confidence in there being no solution, no future for them almost knocked the breath from her. He reached past her and turned the light back off.
“Someone will note the light and know I’m here,” he said. “They probably already know.”
And it disgusted him. She felt his frustration and shared it.
“Let me tell you another thing about ER nurses…” she forced out over the almost overwhelming defeat. “There are times we try to beat the odds, and every now and then, we do. Which is why we do it, in spite of being written up over the times we fail because we waste resources on cases that are too critical.”
“Kalin, I don’t fit into the rules that govern your world.”
“If you’re expecting me to be grateful you’re breaking up with me for my own good, it’s going to be a long wait. How can you be so ready to give up on your own happiness?”
“Happiness is for normal people.”
“Grace isn’t normal, but she looked pretty happy to me. And you wouldn’t be here if you’d given up completely.”
He opened his mouth but shut it without saying anything. She felt him reaching out to her, sinking into her thoughts.
“I don’t want to feel this way about you.”
“Gee, thanks,” she offered sarcastically. “Should I match that with telling you how much falling down the rabbit hole into your Operative world wasn’t in my plans? Or should I cut past the bullshit and admit it scares me to admit how much you mean to me?”
His lips twitched just a tiny amount. “Actually, I fell into your world. And you’ve turned your back on being an ER nurse, Kalin.”
It was a hard blow, one that set her back. For a moment, all she could feel was the sense of hopelessness that seemed to not belong to either of them but to both.
“Neither of us is willing to face our demons.”
She wanted to argue, wanted to have something to say that would keep him with her.
When the door closed behind him all she was left with was the bitter knowledge that her love wasn’t enough.
Dresner tapped on a coded link and waited for his fingerprint to be scanned. His tablet screen lit up, revealing contact from a deep-cover mole.
Devon Ross has returned to post. Fully recovered. Grace Campbell on post in advanced stage of pregnancy. Sonya Roberts in sight.
Dresner felt a twinge of anticipation. A psychic baby was worth far more than one of its parents. It was a longer-term investment, but the child might be raised to be loyal to whoever bought it. A priceless investment opportunity.
He typed a reply.
Keep me advised of Grace Campbell. Baby is a prime target.
He waited while the message was coded and sent.
Yes, the baby was a prime target.
Kalin didn’t feel any better the next morning.
In fact, she was ready to pull the covers over her head and cry.
No.
She’d been down that road and wasn’t going back. She got up and showered. Her belongings still hadn’t arrived so she decided on her options. The room she was staying in was rather spartan. Bed, desk and chair, small dresser and one end table. The bathroom was just as plain. A single sink and shower stall. But at least it was a private bathroom.
There was a mess hall and a recreation room. She headed out to the recreation room and the row of computers she’d seen there.
It took exactly five minutes at one of the keyboards before Major Gennaro showed up.
He was a master at concealing his feelings, just like Devon, but there was a glint in his eyes that gave him away. He was severely annoyed to be dealing with her. Kalin turned around and fluttered her eyelashes at him.
“Did you come all the way over here to take this off my wrist?” She lifted her right hand up with the electronic tracking beacon. “How nice of you.”
His eyes narrowed. “What are you doing?”
“Ordering some underwear. Since I was brought up here in what I’m wearing, and it looks like you and your Operative are parting company with me. I might be tempted to say you’ve dumped me now that I’m not needed anymore, but that would be a tad emotional. Wouldn’t it? I’m sure an important man such as yourself doesn’t have time for that sort of thing. But since you’re here…”
She stuck her wrist out farther.
The tension lines around his eyes eased and he had the good grace to look a little guilty. He reached down and opened one of the lower pockets on his black vest. He withdrew a slim, rectangular box and cupped her wrist. It chirped when he passed it over the bracelet on her arm and he had to press his thumbprint onto it before the device on her wrist released.
“I guess I should say I’m sorry it ended this way,” he said as he put the bracelet into his fatigue pants pocket.
“Devon made a full recovery. What’s to be sorry about?” She started to turn back around to the keyboard, needing to make a dignified exit, but there were still too many gray areas. “Is there a problem with me getting on with my life?”
“That won’t be up to me.” He pulled a pen and a small notepad out of his vest. He wrote something down. “You were my responsibility as long as you were deemed necessary to my Operative’s recovery.”
“And now?”
“You’ll become General Slynn’s decision. You’re not free to leave the restricted area of post until he says so. The second you sat down here I was notified because there’s a standing order to keep you contained.” His mask cracked for a second. “I should have explained a few things to you yesterday.”
The major stuck the note next to the keyboard. “Packages can be shipped there. They’ll make it to your quarters. I’ll find out where your stuff is and make sure you’re drawing pay since we’re keeping you from earning a living. Use that account number to pay, your cards have all been canceled.”
She started to say thank you but closed her mouth. The polite response felt out of place.
And pathetic.
She wasn’t going to let him see her bleed, so she turned around and faced the computer. He stood behind her for a long moment as she began sifting through the pile of emails clogging her inbox. Holding herself together took more effort than she’d anticipated, but he left at last. She felt the chill of his departure.
It was the only way it could have ended.
But that didn’t change that it sucked.
“What are you doing?”
Kalin jumped, feeling the question as much as she heard it. It was a good thing the chair was one that rotated or she’d have fallen off it as she whipped around to find Sonya.
The girl smiled but creases appeared around her eyes for a moment. “Sorry, I forgot how sensitive you are. Guess my arrival was a little loud.”
She pulled a chair up and sat down next to Kalin. “So, what you up to?”
Kalin pushed back, feeling her way around Sonya’s thoughts. “You already know. The…lab-rat team sent you over.” She recalled Devon’s description. “But feel free to look through bras with me.”
Sonya’s lips curved as she gave a wicked little giggle before mouthing, “Lab-rat team”.
“Oh, they will always insist on watching everything you do,” Sonya answered. But she leaned forward and tapped an ad link that had popped up on the side bar. “But I’d love to look at Victoria’s Secret’s new line. They make me wear standard issue.” She let out a little huff. “It’s enough t
o make a girl cry.”
“Standard issue, huh?” Kalin moved the mouse so that the newest sets of lingerie were on the screen. “Sounds very blah.”
“It is.” Sonya leaned in but stopped and looked over her shoulder and made a gesture with her hand. “Just telling the boys you’re on the level.”
Kalin turned to see the older major who seemed attached to Sonya watching from across the room with a couple of rough-looking Rangers. Her belly did a little flip as she recalled Gennaro’s warning from the first time she’d met him.
“Make a wrong turn and you’ll regret it…”
“Lovely,” she muttered before turning back to the screen.
Sonya smiled and shrugged. “Wasn’t my idea to come over here, but I’m not sorry. If that makes it any better. You have no idea how hard it is to find girl time around here.”
“I’m getting a feel for that.”
Kalin looked back at the lingerie. It was a far safer topic than addressing how frustrated she felt with Devon cutting her off. He could have addressed the honesty issue but was being a chicken again.
Sonya suddenly laughed. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard Devon described that way.”
“It’s well earned,” Kalin confirmed.
Sonya was sifting through her thoughts. She seemed lost in them for a long moment.
“I think you just might be right.”
Kalin tried to block the girl out, feeling overly exposed as Sonya went right on digging through her intimate thoughts on Devon. Sonya narrowed her eyes in response.
“All right. But you should have a little mercy on me, I’m a virgin stuck in a beef-cake locker. All these prime male specimens and most of them think I’m a voodoo doctor,” she said. “I’m going to die a virgin.”
“Voodoo doctor?”
Sonya shrugged. “Witch, sorcerer, weirdo, mind reader…the list goes on. Grace ignores it better than I do, but she’s a tracker while I’m stuck with being an interrogator. Whispers get out, ya know?”
“I got a few hints from Devon.”
“He’s so closed off…” Sonya looked pensive. “You were good for him.”
