“Yes, sir, totally fine.” I rolled over with a mindless look in my eyes; I could see Mr. Platt’s bald head hovering over me, clipboard in tow with a pen.
“Well, good job. An A for you.” He looked me over and quickly walked away. I doubted St. Peter ran the gates of heaven so efficiently.
I stayed on the mat and looked up at the rafters from whence I fell. I could feel Marius’s Nike shoes kicking me gently in the ribs. “Good job. How the hell did you do it? Man, I would have bet a fortune you wouldn’t have gotten halfway.”
I started giggling on the floor and then chuckling.
“Geez. What the hell got into you?”
I sat up and looked at him very intently. My eyes inexplicably began tearing. I reached over to Marius and put my hand in a forceful lock position around his neck forcing him to lift me.
“I know what I’ve got to do. I can never leave . . .” I caught myself as Marius’s expression changed in front of me. He was confused and worried, all in one look. His eyes got wide, and his lips took no form, neither smile nor frown.
“I mean, I can never leave home without my gloves again,” I said, pointing to my bloodied hands.
“You can be kind of weird sometimes. But you know that already. I think it’s spending too much alone time with Moony.”
We walked out of the gym together. I looked back across the room to where Laura had stood. She was gone. I knew I couldn’t be without her. I drew from her presence a strength and spirit that I never knew I possessed. It lit a flame within me.
When I arrived home, I stared at my parents intently. I needed the courage to tell them. My destiny depended on it. It would not be today perhaps, but it would be sometime. I needed to climb higher now. I felt fear no longer, nor did the straightjacket, woven for me out of that fear, seem permanent anymore. I knew that my love was not to be stored away in a jar nor discarded frivolously.
The courage was within me to tell Laura and sacrifice for that love.
I reacquainted myself with my notebook that night and aspired to ascend higher and explore what once was beyond my mere reach.
PART 3: REACHING FOR THE MOON
CHAPTER 25
Who Is Rachel?
The door closed quickly and then swung open with equal pace.
“Kiran, you came back! Is everything alright?” I stood speechless, her eyes distracting me as she waited for a response. There was something suddenly familiar in her eyes. The sparkle in them seemed to defy time. She noticed the water trickling down my chin. “Please, come in. You’re soaked.”
I walked across the threshold slowly. She was wearing faded jeans, a solid red shirt and no shoes. She had on little makeup, and her hair was slightly ruffled. She appeared slightly older than the last time I saw her. In the background, I could see a small rectangular table with books strewn sporadically covering it. She must have been studying.
My intent was to return in anger, hoping to confront some villain who had reached across the continent to shake me from a peaceful existence. Maybe it was the girl on the bus or maybe it was the innocent way that Rachel looked; I couldn’t muster any resentment. My emotions ricocheted inside me while entangled in webs and knots. Each feeling fought to extricate itself and command attention.
Before I could say anything, she turned and headed into a room only to emerge with a large blue towel for my use.
I thanked her and took it. As I pat myself down with the towel, I studied her carefully; her eyes stared just as studiously back at me.
“You shaved. For me?” Rachel said with a flirtatious intonation in her laugh. She was desperately trying to put me at ease. The irony was I expected her to be nervous since I was stalking her now. She genuinely seemed content about my return.
“I realized I need to clean up a bit,” I said slowly as I glared back at her, mindful of my purpose. “We need to talk,” I continued sternly while avoiding the scrutiny of her eyes.
“I see. Typical man. One date already and you’re here with the need to talk about stuff,” she said with a slightly nervous laugh as if knowing what was coming.
“By all means, sit down.” She walked backward and in a flash had stacked all the books on the table to make room for me. I followed her slowly and took my place at the table. She gave me the only chair with a cushion and took the one without it for herself.
I sat down and kept my hands at my side. Rachel leaned forward, staring into my eyes. She grinned ever so hesitantly as if trying to make me comfortable. The expression was disarmingly familiar. I had seen this smile before somewhere, someplace.
Before I could speak, she reached out and grabbed my palms forcefully. For a brief moment, I was frightened, yet the manner in which she held them was gentle and delicate. I could feel her fingers rubbing my palms as she tilted her head forward.
“You want to know why I was looking for you and why I called you back in California.”
Startled by her directness, I pulled my hands back as if they were burning on a hot stove.
“It was you . . . Why?” My eyes betrayed me and looked right into the sea that was hers. Some part of me was still hoping I was wrong about her. “What’s going on? Why did you send me the letters? I mean, it was you, you’re admitting it?!”
Her body stretched out on the table as she reached out again for my hands. She grabbed them and pulled them back up from my sides. “I don’t mean to scare you. Yes, I sent you the newspaper clipping.”
“And the other letter?”
“I only sent you the clipping.”
My head spun. The more answers I got from her, the more confused and disoriented I felt.
“My landlady spoke to you yesterday. You called me back home and then showed up where I was staying. Whatever could you want with me?”
“I did try to visit you yesterday. I desperately needed to find you.”
I looked at her in disbelief. “Why? Who are you? I honestly don’t understand any of this.” I frowned and shook my head in confusion.
She was calm but seemed to be observing me and my reactions. “I’m not sure where or how to start. Just believe me. I am so glad you came here, especially today.” Her voice was now somber and low. “At the restaurant, you blacked out. I was going to talk to you then. Until you collapsed.”
“Really?”
“Do you know why you blacked out?”
“No. I mean, I don’t remember much about it.”
“I think I know.” She let go of my palms and walked back to the kitchen counter and picked up a newspaper. She flipped page upon page before settling on one. She came back and handed it to me while leaning over my shoulder.
“Do you remember reading a newspaper?”
“Yes. I picked one up at the entrance of the restaurant.”
She pointed her finger at an article. “Recognize this?”
My eyes tried to avoid the article as if knowing what was coming.
Finally, they focused on the article she pointed to:
PAULEY HIGH MEMORIAL PLAQUE UNVEILING
Pauley High School will have a special memorial service to pay tribute to the Pauley High School student who passed away 20 years ago. The memorial plaque will be placed at the entrance to the school during a ceremony before this year’s convocation in honor of Andrew Kaufter, who drowned in the Pauley River.
While I was reading, I could feel Rachel’s arms close around me, squeezing my shoulders tight. She began to whisper in my ear, repeating over and over again, “Kiran. You are going to get through this. Stay focused, think of me, and listen to my voice. I will help you. I need to help you.”
She repeated her mantra over and over again. My mind tuned in to her and the image I had of her face. I did not blackout. I kept listening to her voice. Suddenly, an image of her face appeared before me wearing her full smile. A wave of recognition and t
otal panic swept over me knocking me from my seat.
I moved so quickly that I broke Rachel’s grip, and she partially tumbled to the side. I raced toward the front entrance to try to escape. Not looking where I was going, I opened the nearest door. The wrong door. What I thought was the front door, in my panic, was the closet at the side.
I suddenly heard Rachel cry out as I flung open the door. “Kiran! Please wait. Don’t open that one.”
I unlocked the door. Immediately, I realized that it was the wrong door and saw something hanging in the closet amongst Rachel’s clothing. There hanging was a long black cloak with a moon logo ever unmistakeable on one side. It was the type of robe worn by a Jesuit priest. It had been years since I had seen one. The memories and pain swam over me. Falling to my knees with my head in hand, I could hear Rachel’s footsteps charging behind me as she threw herself onto the floor, tumbling behind me. I could feel her arms around me holding me tightly.
“Kiran. Stay focused and listen to me.”
My body combusted into short spasmodic breaths, and her words died in the air before reaching my deaf ears. I didn’t know if my eyes were open or closed as visions and faces appeared before me and then disappeared as another took their place. I was trembling violently as she held on tight. I could feel the cold water around me and over my head. I was drowning in the air and her breath.
“It is all coming back to you. Is that it? Did it all just come back to you?”
I nodded slowly, my face bathing in my tears. I had no more strength to run. My past claimed victory as time watched in arrogant triumph. My hands reached out and tugged at the cloak, pulling the moon logo ever closer to me so I could gaze at it. Without looking back, I said in between my heaving breaths, “I remember some of it. Some of it, yes. Who are you?”
She grabbed both shoulders and twisted me around with all her effort. “Look at me. Look into my eyes.”
“Why? I don’t understand.”
“My mom said I had my brother’s blue eyes when I was born. Mine changed to green.”
I sighed slowly and with such depth, I left little oxygen behind. Inside, I felt a million knives puncturing my existence, stab after stab letting every ounce of air escape. Rachel’s eyes were open wide and awaiting mine to probe them to confirm her truth. There was no mistake. Not in the eyes, nor the grin. Moony’s eyes never changed to green like Rachel’s, but the gleam was identical.
She saw the look of recognition as my eyes were wide and alert. “I’m his sister.”
I protested tentatively. “He didn’t have a sister. I mean he never said anything.”
“He didn’t know.”
“Oh.”
“I can explain.”
Guilt riddled my heart. Any selfish thoughts were choked by the grief I felt for her. “I am so sorry. I am forever sorry. It is all my fault. Please, please forgive me.”
She gently put her hand on my cheek. “I’m sure you did nothing. You tried to save him.”
“Yes, but it was all my fault. Everything.” I was now trembling uncontrollably.
Her other hand touched my chin. “I’m here to learn about my brother. I need you now. Please listen to me. My brother . . .”
“I really can’t . . .” I stammered. The pain was too severe, and my mind pulled down its hard steel doors in a selfish attempt to numb the pain.
“My brother’s dad left our mom right after he was born. My mom couldn’t raise him alone. She was too young. She sent him to be raised by her sister. To live here in this town.”
I nodded, now listening to the calm of her voice.
“Eventually, my mom moved on, got married, and had me. I never knew I had a brother until about a year ago. My mom finally told me how she had a son who lived with her sister here. When her sister died, she left behind a bunch of things belonging to my brother. That is why I came here. I wanted to learn about my brother.”
“It’s all because of me that he is gone. He would be here right now if it were not for my selfishness.”
“You have to tell me what happened. I want to know about my brother. I know it’s painful for you. But I have to know. It’s important to me, and I suspect for you as well.”
“This is why you found me?”
“Yes. There is more . . . I mean, yes.”
I stared at the cloak as I followed her to the couch. She had me sit right next to her. She held a tight grip on one of my arms. She was genuinely scared of losing me. She gazed deep into my eyes. “Tell me everything.”
Suddenly my insides felt like they were being slowly eaten away by carpenter ants, piece by piece of me chewed and discarded. Shavings fell everywhere. If only I could choke on them.
“If you won’t do it for me, do it for Moony.” My eyes suddenly awoke and went bright at her words. “You loved him, didn’t you?”
“Yes. Like a brother.”
“Please, then. Do it for him. He would want you to. You need to free yourself of all this. Don’t you think he would want that?”
I surveyed the room and peeked back at the closet. The sunlight cast a gentle light through the living room window and bathed Rachel in a light shadow as if she wore her very own cloak.
“Yes. I will try.”
She smiled as I sank back into the couch. She let go of my arm and nestled in next to me as I closed my eyes and unwound the film in my mind. I opened my eyes, took a breath, and started from the beginning.
My story started that day in high school when I first met Marius….
CHAPTER 26
Suddenly my story stopped. The film stuck and spun aimlessly in its projector, just before my graduation. Rachel immediately reached for my hands. I could see the tears in her eyes.
“Why did you stop?”
I could not go beyond that day in gym class. I could only see the film reel spinning with no image projected.
“It’s too murky. I’m not sure what happened anymore. My mind is racing. These thoughts are just bouncing around my mind.”
She patted me on the back of my hand and then rubbed my right shoulder. “Falling in love is certainly no sin. You shouldn’t have been scared or ashamed, especially since you were going to tell her. It seems you concluded you had to. Were you going to give up everything for her? I mean, disappoint your parents?”
I nodded.
She got up and walked to her kitchen. I could see a trickle of a tear start that she didn’t want me to see. She came back with water bottles for both of us. She let out a gentle sigh and looked at me. “The girl I spoke to in California was not this girl, was she?”
“No. Just a close friend.”
Her eyes were beaming now. “What happened the night you told her?” She asked me with a tone of melancholy. My instincts told me she already knew the answer because she gripped my arm tightly as she asked.
“I’m not sure. It’s all still an unfinished jigsaw puzzle in my head.”
“Why do you keep saying it’s your fault then? Why?”
“I know it is. I feel it inside.” I couldn’t explain to her that feeling buried inside me. My heart was drowning in quicksand. I started shivering, immersed in an invisible ice shower.
“My goodness, you are so pale.” She seemed genuinely worried and felt my forehead.
She looked around the room, thinking. She took an agonizingly long sip of her water bottle as she looked at me with purpose. She reclined back with a somber look in her green eyes I had not seen yet.
“Why don’t you take a hot bath and freshen up? We can talk after. I promise I won’t peek,” she said, trying in vain to release the tension from the room.
I surveyed my surroundings. “Is it okay if I take a bath instead? It tends to calm me.”
“By all means do. There are more towels in the closet.”
I got up and walked to the bathroom. She
followed me and turned on the faucet and adjusted it to a warm temperature.
“We have lots of time to talk now. Take your time and relax.”
“I’m not sure I can, but I’ll try.”
“Ssh . . . a hot bath will calm your nerves. Trust me. I’ll even make some tea for you with lemon to warm your insides.”
When she finally closed the door behind her, I took off my clothes and stepped into the warm bath. It was incredibly soothing. I sat and wondered about all that had transpired. It was Moony’s sister who had tracked me down. The poor girl never knew she had a brother. She had his eyes and smile.
I sat in the tub and closed my eyes. How could I ever tell her what happened? I had seen the jigsaw memories parading in my head like an eternal movie. All I could feel was sadness. She would never forgive me. I was here and Moony was not.
The water surrounding me became hot as I searched for my reflection within it. I tapped the surface and watched the ripples spread out and collide. It was my game to soothe the savage beast within. My eyes focused on the water, searching for something, not knowing what I might find. Slowly, I could see Rachel’s face within it, distorted by the waves I created. My eyes opened wide and the face contorted with every ripple as the soft feminine features were slowly morphing. I could then see the face, that innocent young face from the world that once spun around me in bright colors. It was Moony.
My hand reached out to touch his face, and as it did, the image began receding. I leaned forward into the water, and my head moved closer and closer to the water surface as the image slowly disappeared.
“Moony! Moony,” I whispered in a suffocated shout. “Grab my hand. Don’t go away. I’ll save you.” The warm inviting water soaked my tired face. I drifted off to a bottomless slumber.
CHAPTER 27
The shock of the bright light of the bathroom is what I awoke to, water purging from my eyes and nose. I was disoriented and could only hear a frantic muffled voice. “Kiran! Speak to me. Breathe!”
“Moony! I need to find Moony. Marius, let me go. Marius, we need to save Moony. Please let me go. Let me go!”
The Boys Who Danced With the Moon Page 17
