by Bromberg, K.
“Andy . . .”
He swoops down and gathers me up in one of his bear hugs you can usually feel all the way to your toes, but at least he’s a little gentler this time around. “Rylee-girl, you’ve made me so damn happy. All over again. You are such a blessing to this family,” he says. He pulls back and does the same thing I was just admiring with Colton to me—hand on my cheek, eyes searching mine—and I feel blessed to be completely loved by my in-laws.
“You good?” he asks, eyes double-checking to make sure the smile on my face is real.
“I’m incredible,” I whisper back with the smile spreading on my lips. How lucky was Colton to have sat on this amazing man’s doorstep? A patient man capable of teaching him what it means to love so completely. For that, I will forever be grateful to him. “Congratulations, Grandpa.”
He throws his head back and laughs that full-body laugh of his that reminds me so much of Colton’s, even though he is adopted, that I squeeze his hands and wonder if Ace will have the same mannerism when he laughs like that when he’s older.
“Move out of the way, Andy, I need to hug this new momma who just gave me my first grandchild,” Dorothea says. She all but pushes her husband out of the way so she can hold my cheeks in her hands and kiss both of them.
“Hi.” Surprise flickers through me when I see tears in her eyes.
“Thank you,” she whispers, her usually resonating voice unsteady and laden with emotion. “He’s absolutely adorable. You must be over the moon.”
“No need to thank me—”
“Yes, there is,” she says with a nod of her head to tell me not to argue. I’m smart enough to know by now when to pick my battles with her and this is not one of them. She leans in and gives me what feels like the hundredth hug in as many seconds before standing back with a soft smile on her lips and adoration in her eyes.
My gaze shifts over her shoulder to my dad. I’ll never forget the look on his face: awe, pride—discomfort at being packed like sardines in the room—but more than anything, love.
“Hi, sweetie.” He steps forward and presses a kiss to my head. But I don’t let him off that easily because I wrap my arms around him and hug him tight.
“Hiya, Daddy. What do you think?”
“I think I couldn’t be more proud of you and in love with him and I haven’t even gotten to hold him yet,” he says with a laugh. “You’re going to be a fantastic mother.”
And this time I don’t fight the tears but let one slip over and down my cheek, because that’s a huge compliment coming from a man I’ve idolized my whole life.
“Your turn,” my mom says, softly nudging my dad from the side as she holds out Ace for him to take for the first time. I watch the transition from one of my parents to the other and instantly know I’m going to enjoy watching them be grandparents to my son. And not that Dorothea and Andy won’t either, but it’s my parents, so the notion hits home a little more, knowing the same arms that rocked me as a newborn are going to rock him too.
I look to the right and notice Colton also watching them and realize he will never be able to have that same thought, and a part of me hurts for him because of it. And for the first time, I truly understand his hesitation, feeling like he’s on the outside here because not a single person in this room shares the same blood running through them with him like I do. It’s a humbling thought that opens my eyes all at the same time.
My dad looks up from Ace in his arms and asks Colton something, so my mom’s attention shifts to me. “Hey baby girl,” she says as she sits on the edge of the bed and reaches out with her fingers to move the strands of hair from my face. “You look tired. You in a lot of pain?”
“Just sore, but the pain was definitely worth it,” I say as she leans forward and presses a kiss to my forehead.
“Yes, he is most definitely worth it. You two sure know how to make a beautiful baby.”
“It’s in the genes,” I say.
The conversation continues on around us as my mom asks me to retell everything I’ve already told her about on the phone: how my water broke, the labor, how Ace is eating, about his health, about my recovery. At some point I scoot over and she sits in the bed beside me. I put my head on her shoulder, and she plays with my hair like she used to when I was a kid and was sick. It’s comforting and soothing and just the right person I need right now to bridge that gap for me from pregnant to now being a mother. She knows I don’t need words, just her silent support, and it means the world to me as I look around this room crammed full of our friends and family.
There’s barely any room for anyone to move and everyone is watching Ace get passed from person to person and complimenting on what an easy baby he is to not be scared by all of this. And suddenly I’m overwhelmed with the thought that as many heartbreaking lows as I’ve been through trying to have a baby, it couldn’t have turned out more perfectly.
My heart is absolutely the fullest it has ever been in my life.
Time passes, the chatter subsides, and at some point Ace begins to cry. My body reacts to the sound of him. Panic sets in as Tanner tries to soothe him by bringing him up to his shoulder. And it’s not that I don’t want my brother to hold him but rather I need to hold him more. My body vibrates to hold my son again with a strange new mix of maternal instinct and hysteria.
“I can take him, Tanner,” I say, trying to subtly let him know.
“I can handle it, Ry,” he says. As I meet Haddie’s eyes she knows I’m starting to freak out.
“Tanner,” my mom’s voice rings above the chatter in a warning, “we’ve got a new momma here who is a bit overwhelmed by all of us swooping in on her at once. She hasn’t held Ace in a bit, and I’m sure she’s getting a little frantic, so why don’t you hand him over?” And even though I can’t see her face, I know the exact look she gives him from my own experience.
He responds immediately but by the time he gets Ace to me I’m sweating and heading toward a full-blown panic attack. “Here you go,” Tanner says as he slips him into my arms and plants a kiss on both of our heads. “He really is beautiful.”
And I can breathe again. He’s crying and I have no clue if it’s because of all of the stimuli or if he’s actually hungry, but I don’t care because he’s back in my arms. I look up to find Colton through the crowd of people, and he can tell I’m flustered and overwhelmed. When he mouths I love you, it puts a little more right in my world.
“Okay, guys,” he says after winking at me, “it’s feeding time and not for me.” Laughter rings through the room. “Thanks for coming to meet Ace, but it’s time to say goodbye and head out.”
The room explodes in a hurried frenzy of hugs and congratulations and promises to stop by the house later in the week or phone calls to check in before Colton ushers them all out. The women linger a little longer, asking the questions they couldn’t with the guys around before they begrudgingly leave the room with just my mom left.
“Thank you,” I whisper to her with a sigh as I unbutton my hospital gown and let Ace latch on. That instant surge of calming hits me. All better.
“It may have been a long time ago for me, but I remember that feeling of panic and give me my baby back and being overwhelmed.”
“You’ve got that right,” I murmur, both of our heads angled downward as we watch Ace fall into bliss.
“Just remember that your hormones are going to be out of whack for a while so expect the sudden hot flashes and mood swings—”
“Great,” I say with a laugh.
“How’s Colton doing with all of this?” she asks.
“He’s fine,” I say hesitantly, and I’m not sure if I’m trying to fool her or want her to delve deeper into my comment. But being my mother, I’m pretty sure it’s the latter.
“Fine can mean a lot of things,” she murmurs as she leans her head on top of my head resting on her shoulder.
I’m quiet for a few moments. As involved in our lives as our families are, I usually don’t relay the detai
ls of every issue. Part of me feels kind of alone right now. Part of me also needs the reassurance that what I think I should do about it is the right thing.
“Fine as in, he’s present, but I know he’s scared for so many reasons. Afraid to do too much, not enough, to drop him, that he might not connect with him, that he might be like his parents . . . I don’t know.” So much for keeping my thoughts private. But at least I’ve said them to the one person I know won’t judge me and won’t repeat them elsewhere. Thank God for our mother-daughter bond.
“Men are fickle creatures,” she murmurs. “Of course he has fears. And his are probably a little more justified after all he’s been through. Give him time. He looks at his hands and sees how big they are against Ace’s head and thinks how he might accidentally hurt him somehow.” I murmur a sound of understanding. The soothing feeling of Ace nursing and my lack of sleep, cause my exhaustion to catch up with me. “Your body was made to do this, to be this . . . It has gone through all sorts of changes over the past nine months. Plus you’ve raised the boys so you’re more comfortable with kids than he is.”
“True,” I say softly.
“This is all new to him. A shock to the way he’s lived his life. The one thing he never wanted or expected until he met you. Men have a hard time adjusting to change when they have no control over it. He’ll come around, sweetie. He has no choice.”
But he does, I think to myself. I know the old Colton who used to close himself off with impenetrable steel walls. He wouldn’t do that to his son, though. There’s no way he would. Because that would make him too much like his birth parents.
“I know. I just don’t want him to pull away.”
“He might for a bit, but here’s the thing, Rylee: the connection between you and Ace, and Colton and Ace is completely different. Perfect example is what just happened. You don’t want to part from Ace. He’s the air you breathe right now. It’s rarely the same for men.”
“I never thought of it that way.”
“I know the idea of having to be apart from him causes your heart to race. And if you had to, you wouldn’t give a second thought to driving onto sidewalks, over people if need be, to get home to him as quick as you can. That’s normal,” she says with a chuckle. “I used to feel the same way with you guys. I’d need a break . . . but the minute I had it I needed to be with you as soon as possible. But for Colton? It’s a different type of feeling for him. There’s this huge change in his life right now. A bonus, yes, but at the same time it’s scary as hell for him. Not to mention he worries he’s being replaced in your life by the one man that’s probably more handsome than he is.”
I snort a laugh at the comment but her words of wisdom hit home more than I thought they would. “Thanks, Mom. You always know what to say.”
“Hardly, but thank you.”
The door to the room opens with perfect timing and Colton walks in at the same time my mom rises from beside me on the bed. “There’s my cue,” she says as she leans over and presses another kiss to Ace’s head before looking up into my eyes. “I’m always here for you. Always. Any time.”
“Thank you. I love you.”
“Love you too,” she says as she gives Ace one last glance and turns to face Colton. “I’ll leave you with your family now, Colton. Take good care of my babies.” She steps forward and gives him a long hug before kissing his cheek.
“I will. Let me walk you out.”
They leave the room and the comforting silence surrounds Ace and me once again.
I’M SWITCHING ACE FROM MY left side to my right side when the door swings open into the room. “Thanks for walking her out,” I say distractedly. When Colton says nothing back I look up and let out a little yelp at the man standing near the foot of the bed.
“I’m sorry. You scared me.” I do a double take and notice the blue scrubs, the top of a surgical cap covering his hair as he looks down at the clipboard in one hand and a pen poised to write with the other.
“Shift change paperwork check,” he mumbles, keeping his head down and even though I can’t see his face, I suddenly have an uneasy feeling begin to crawl over my skin that burns its way up my throat. “How’s that sweet little baby of yours?” His voice and the question cause the hairs on the back of my neck to stand up.
Where are you, Colton? Did Sammy go with you?
“What do you need?” My voice is even and calm despite the alarm bells sounding in my head as I subtly try to look at his nametag that is flipped upside down.
“Now that you have him,” he says, lifting his head a little to indicate Ace resting against my breast, “could you imagine if you lost him?”
Discord vibrates within me at the extremely odd question and yet when I stare at him, he seems completely normal and focused on what he’s writing on the chart in his hand. I try to move Ace to cover my exposed breast, while I slowly inch my hand down toward the nurse call button. And of course it’s located on the bedrail right near where he is standing, so I try to be ever so discrete as uncertainty overtakes me.
“No. Never,” I finally answer.
“I lost everything. My wife. My kids. All by the hands of someone else,” he says, his voice hollow and even. I stare at him now, wanting him to lift his face from where he’s focused. I realize he’s scribbling furiously but hasn’t asked me a single question to take notes on.
My finger hovers over the call button, not wanting to make a scene, and yet my gut instinct is telling me something’s off here. My mom’s words flicker in my mind about how crazy a new mom can feel, and I wonder if that’s what is going on here: hormones surging and taking over my rational mind.
Ace must sense my discomfort because he starts crying. “I’m so sorry,” I finally respond, distracted, trying to watch what he’s doing while trying to tend to my son. “How horrible.”
“I thought it was only fair he knows how it feels. To feel vulnerable. To be exposed. To think he might lose it all. Jeopardize his happiness.”
I shake my head. That eddy of unease returns for one more whirl as I try to figure out what in the hell he’s talking about as Ace’s wails escalate in pitch. “I’m sorry. I’m not following you, and you’re making me uncomfortable. I’d appreciate it if you’d leave my room.”
He looks up for the first time and meets me with crystalline blue eyes that hold a hint of humor oddly matching the slight smirk on his lips. “Of course. I just need your autograph on this form I have to turn in, and I’ll be out of your hair,” he says as he walks forward and places the manila folder on the table beside me. And as much as he makes me uncomfortable, I glance up one more time to look at him, trying to place why he looks familiar, but his head is already back down and focused on what he’s fumbling with in his pocket.
“Sure.” Anything. Just get the hell out of here. I set Ace down in the dip between my thighs as I grab the pen he hands me.
And then I open the folder.
My mouth drops open.
My mind is shocked.
My privacy invaded.
My little bubble popped.
Everything clicks all at the same time when I see the still photo of me from the video, spread-eagled, and every part of me unmistakable.
I look back up. His hair’s a little longer and there’s a goatee covering his facial scar that would have given him away instantly. But there is no doubt this is the man who has turned our world upside down in the past month.
Eddie Kimball.
I think I hear a click. I’m not sure. I force my eyes from his face to the phone he’s holding up and just before the flash goes off, I bend my body over, hiding my face and exposed breast and start screaming. My finger jabbing at the call button over and over as Ace’s cries rise with my burgeoning panic.
“Help!” I scream. Ace’s wails escalate. “Help!”
“Why so camera-shy now? Donavan stole everything from me. Revenge is a bitch.” He runs from the room just as the nurse comes through on the intercom.
“
Everything okay, Mrs. Donavan?”
“Security!” I shout into the room. I pick Ace up and hold him tightly to my chest, rocking him as my body shakes, and my mind tries to process the fear that’s clouding my judgment.
The door flings open as my nurse runs in the same exact time as a loud crash is heard in the hallway followed by a fire alarm of some sort that shrieks through the hallway of the hospital wing. “Are you okay?”
“Yes. Yes. We’re fine.” I keep rocking. “It’s okay,” I repeat to Ace over and over, as I try to reassure myself I am okay. But I’m not.
Far from it.
The nurse picks up the phone in the room and starts speaking words I don’t hear because my pulse is thundering in my ears. And the minute she lowers the phone the wailing alarm stops.
But the one in my head and heart screams even louder. I’m afraid it will never shut up now.
Fear like I’ve only known a few times in my life—the accidents that made me lose one man and almost another—owns my soul right now. We’re supposed to be safe. Supposed to be happy. And yet the man who has wreaked so much havoc in our lives just caused it to implode again.
“Tell me what happened,” the nurse says at the same time Colton comes barging into the room completely out of breath, his posture defensive, and eyes wild with fear as they scour over Ace and me to make sure we are okay.
“Rylee? They were shouting for security to the room.”
“Eddie.” It’s the only word I need to say for him to understand why I’m crying tears I didn’t even know were coursing down my cheeks, and holding Ace to me so tightly, that if it weren’t for his crying, I’d think I was smothering him.
“You’re okay?” he asks through gritted teeth. The muscle in his jaw pulses as he waits for my response. A quick nod of my head and he charges out of the room.
The old me would have yelled at him to come back. Tell him I need him more. Which is still partially true.
But I don’t say a word.
I. Am. Okay. For now.
Eddie Kimball just fucked with my son.
