by Carrie Elks
That’s when she started to laugh. She couldn’t help it. It was so strange and yet perfect. He hadn’t said a word and neither had she, yet it had felt exactly like a conversation. Or the start of one, anyway.
She fell back on the mattress, her back bouncing against the springs, wondering what was going through Tanner’s mind right now.
Maybe she’d ask him tomorrow. No scratch that, she’d definitely ask him tomorrow. But for now she’d try to sleep and dream of Tanner Hartson and his Lloyd Dobler impersonation.
As far as she was concerned, it was everything.
Chapter Thirty-Four
“So now I know you’re completely crazy,” Becca said, grinning from ear to ear as she stood on Tanner’s doorstep. “You’re the talk of the town, standing in the Butlers’ front yard playing eighties music at one a.m..” She tipped her head to the side, the smile still playing on her lips. “Have you totally lost it?”
“It was a gesture.” Tanner shrugged. “Meant for her, not anybody else.”
“But what does it mean?” Becca asked. “From what I hear, the two of you didn’t even talk. You just stood there, played music, then drove away.” She shook her head. “Why didn’t you ask her to talk to you?”
Tanner sighed. “Because it was one in the morning. I just wanted to let her know I was thinking about her.”
He hadn’t been doing anything else. Last night he’d tossed and turned in bed, desperate to figure out how to make things better. His brothers had been right. He needed to change something. Himself. He’d messed things up between them twice because of his damn fear of rejection. He couldn’t hurt her a third time. He wouldn’t let himself.
She deserved to be taken care of. And he wanted to be the man to do it. He wanted to wrap her in his arms and ward off all the people trying to hurt her. The Fairfaxes, her mom… all of them had used and abused her.
But he’d been the worst of them all. Because she’d trusted him back when they were kids. Believed him when he told her he’d always be there for her. But when she’d pushed him away, he hadn’t fought for her at all. Because he couldn’t bear to risk getting hurt again.
Well this time was different. When he’d seen her at her bedroom window looking out at him, it felt like his heart was finally coming back to life. Her eyes had been wide, her expression soft, and those lips, those damn fine kissable lips, had been parted, singing in time to the lyrics.
When their gaze connected, electricity buzzing between them, he felt full of her.
He hadn’t been able to pull his eyes away. Hadn’t wanted to. He’d let the music speak for him. She took his breath away. Took everything he had to give. And he wanted to give it to her again. Forever.
“You’re gonna fight for her, right?” Becca asked. “Because I don’t think I could stand it if you give up. Not this time.”
“Yeah,” he said softly, “I’m going to fight for her.” Not with fists or weapons or anything else. This was going to be a quiet fight. Like their four-minute, emotion-filled stare last night, it might not involve words. But it was a fight nonetheless.
He wasn’t only fighting for her, he was fighting for himself. And against himself. Punching down the little kid in him who’d lost his mom and was afraid of losing anything else ever again.
That kid might be the toughest opponent he’d ever faced.
“I guess that’s it. I’m packed.” Kim closed the small suitcase and zipped it up. “Not that I need a lot. Just comfortable clothes, toiletries, and pajamas, that’s what it says. No makeup, no food or drink.” She gave a wry smile at the last one.
Zoe was with her friends for the day. One of their moms had offered to take them all to the waterpark. Van had jumped at the offer – so much better to keep her sister occupied than have her worrying about their mom.
“What time are you getting picked up?” Van asked Kim. She was biting down the urge to offer to drive her mom. Another thing she needed to get used to. This wasn’t her problem. Even if it felt completely wrong to be standing here watching life carry on around her.
“In an hour. I’ve left the directions on the refrigerator. In case you and Zoe want to come see me next weekend.”
“We’ll come.” Van nodded. “Zoe would kill me if we didn’t.” There was a family session planned, including a discussion about Kim’s next steps. “Let me know if you need me to bring anything.”
“I will.”
An hour later and the house was empty save for Van and her thoughts. Of course they were full of Tanner. Of the way he’d stared at her last night as he played music from his speakers. This was the first bit of quiet she had to process what had happened. She needed to decide how the hell to clear up the mess she’d made.
There was a bang on the door. Her heart immediately leapt. Was it him? Shaking her head at her stupid damn excitement, she walked down the hallway and opened the door to the last man she’d expected to see standing on the porch.
“Johnny?”
There was no way she was calling him Dad. Not least because it sounded kind of creepy.
He shuffled his feet, looking over his shoulder like he was worried he was being watched. “Can I come in?” he asked.
“What for?”
“Because I think we need to talk. And your neighbors are all staring out of their windows right now.”
Maybe fear of gossip was genetic. “Okay. Come in.” She pushed the door wider and he stepped inside.
“Is Kim home?”
“Nope. Just me.”
He nodded, threading his fingers together. “That’s good.”
She led him to the small living room and pointed at the recliner by the window. “Please sit. Can I get you a drink?” She tried to be civil, even though it was hard to hide the hostility she felt toward him.
“Um, no thank you.” He did as he was told, glancing out of the window again. “This shouldn’t take long.”
She bit down a desire to laugh. This was so absurd and nothing like she thought it would be. Not that she’d spent a lot of time dreaming about ever meeting her father. But in the movies there was always a lot more hugs and tears.
Maybe she should be glad that Johnny wasn’t a touchy feely kind of guy. There was no way she wanted him hugging her.
“Okay then. Shoot.” She nodded at him.
He cleared his throat. “Um… well… after everything that happened at the drive-in, I wanted to make sure that you’re, um, okay.”
She swallowed. “I’m fine.”
“Nora thinks we should take a DNA test. Just to see if you’re really my daughter.” He looked up at her expectantly. “Would you be willing to do that?”
Van looked at him for a moment. At this big man in town who thought he was all that. She could imagine him all those years ago, thinking he was the king of the castle, sleeping with two women, getting them both pregnant. And now he looked chastened. Embarassed. Under the thumb of a woman he’d wronged.
“No,” she told him. “I wouldn’t be willing to do that.”
“Can I ask why?” He lifted his head up, his eyes wide.
Yeah, he could ask. Didn’t mean she owed him an answer. She looked at him with tired eyes, wondering why this all felt so damn awkward.
“Because it wouldn’t make a difference. You weren’t a father to me when I needed one. And now that I know you are, it doesn’t matter. You’re too late.”
He blinked, his gaze dropping to his legs. “You’re right. I wasn’t there.” Another cough. Still not meeting her eye, he took a pen out of his suit pocket, then a small black book that looked suspiciously like a checkbook.
He wasn’t going to try to buy her off, was he? Her mouth was dry as he opened the flap, then twisted his expensive-looking pen until the nib came through. He meticulously wrote, then tore out the check and held it to her.
“What’s that?” She made no move to take it.
“Ten thousand dollars. Something close to what I owe in child support.” He pushed the check
toward her. “Take it. It’s yours.”
She stared at the piece of paper. At his elegant handwriting. At her name written in loops and swirls along the top line. Ten thousand dollars. It made her feel sick to look at.
“I don’t want your money,” she told him, her voice low. “I don’t want anything from you.”
“But Nora’s worried you’ll come for it after I’m gone. I want to settle it now. Make sure she and Chrissie are looked after.” His tone was desperate.
Van’s jaw tightened. “You’re a piece of work, you know that? Why would I come after your money? I don’t want anything to do with you. Not any of you. Once upon a time you might have made my life more liveable.” She stood, unable to sit civilly and listen to him anymore. “I know you saw me, running around town on my own when I should have been taken care of at home. And I know you know mom was depressed or drunk or both most of the time. I needed you then.” She shook her head. “I needed someone. Even if you offered me a million dollars it wouldn’t make up for that.”
His mouth dropped open. “A million…”
Van shook her head. “Don’t worry. I don’t want a dime off you. You can tell Nora and Chrissie that your money’s safe. And if you want me to sign something stating I have no claim on it, then send it to me. I’ll sign anything to get you all out of my life.”
“If you’re going to be like that about it then I should go.” He stood, sliding his pen and checkbook back into his pocket. “You’re ungrateful. Like your mom. I gave her a job, a home, and she only wanted more. Nora’s right, you’re both poison.” He pushed his chest out, his eyes narrowing as he looked at her.
“That might be the nicest thing anybody’s ever said to me.” She walked to the living room entrance, and pointed to the hallway. He walked past her, his shoulders back, his head high. “I’d rather be like my mom than you. Or any of your family.”
He pulled the front door open, then turned to look at her. “Yes, well. I’ll ask my lawyer to send you a contract.”
She was sure he would. Stupid thing was, she’d sign it, too. Because her pride was worth so much more than this excuse of a father in front of her.
He huffed and stepped outside. That’s when Van saw the passenger sitting in his car, with her hair perfectly coiffed as she lifted her nose and glanced at Van on the doorstep.
A wave of fury washed over her. Van pushed past Johnny and almost ran down the steps. Alarm widened in Nora’s eyes as Van reached for the passenger door.
“What are you doing?” she asked, as Van wrenched it open.
“I want to talk to you.”
Nora lifted her head a little more. “I have nothing to say to you.”
“That’s good. Maybe you’ll listen to what I have to say then.” She felt the cool of Johnny’s shadow fall over her as he stood behind her, saying nothing. “First of all, you can stuff your money. I don’t want a dime from you or your deadbeat husband. I don’t want anything to do with you at all.” She shook her head.
Nora pressed her lips together, saying nothing.
“But more importantly, there’s something else you need to know.” Van’s voice was short. Harsh. “You’re the worst kind of woman. One who looks down on others because it makes you feel better about yourself. One who punishes a little girl with hard words and harsher thoughts because you can’t punish your husband for being an asshole.” Van crossed her arms over her chest. “Well that’s over with. Done. You say one more bad word about me or my family, and I’ll be shouting out about you and Johnny all over town. I’ll tell everyone about how he left my mom high and dry. How he had almost thirty years to recognize me and never did. And I’ll tell them about you, Nora. About the way you thought you were better than me because you had money.” Van leaned forward, until her nose was only an inch away from Nora’s. “You keep away from my family. Otherwise, I’ll make sure you regret it.”
Nora swallowed hard, her eyes glassy. She gave an almost imperciptable nod.
Van straightened her spine and let out a mouthful of air, then turned on her heel, almost knocking Johnny over in the process. He quickly stepped back, as though he was afraid she was going to strike him.
Good. She didn’t want him anywhere near her.
“Goodbye, Dad,” she said, her voice full of sarcasm. “I hope you have a happy life. Because mine has been a hundred times better without you in it.”
Van slammed the door closed behind her and sucked in a deep breath. She was shaking. Enough for her to lean on the wood and let her head rest there for a moment.
She didn’t regret it. Not a word. Nora and Johnny had what was coming to them. So why was her body quivering like a bowl of Jello?
Because of him. Right now she should be calling him, sharing her triumph over the Fairfaxes with him. But instead she was alone in her mom’s house, aching for the one person she kept pushing away. She couldn’t do this anymore.
If she’d just talked to him instead of deciding what was best for them both, she wouldn’t be here alone now.
She had a choice. Either, she kept doing things the way she always had and suffered because of it, or she stood tall and admitted that she was afraid. So scared of losing him that she’d pushed him away first.
Last night he’d made the sweetest of gestures. Maybe she should do the same. But what could it be? She frowned, thinking about the way Jerry Maguire walked into a room full of women and declared himself to Dorothy. Or how Richard Gere climbed up a fire escape despite his fear of heights to woo Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Actually, he was pretty good at the grand gesture in all his movies. Look at the way he walked into the factory dressed in his uniform in An Officer and a Gentleman and scooped the love of his life into his hands.
But where were the grand gestures from the women? Didn’t they do that sort of thing? Van frowned, scanning through her memories for a scene, but all she could think of was Notting Hill. Where Julia Roberts just opened her mouth and talked.
Maybe that’s what she needed to do. Maybe her grand gesture was to be open, to talk, to make herself vulnerable. That sounded damn scarier than anything in a movie.
It was honest. It was real. And more importantly, it’s what she needed to do.
Before she got scared off, she picked up her phone and tapped out a message, her hands still shaking.
I miss you. - Van
Her breath rushed out of her mouth. Maybe climbing up a fire escape was a better idea after all. But then a reply flashed on her screen, and the tightness in her chest loosened.
I miss you, too. - Tanner
Thank god. She squeezed her eyes closed for a moment, then opened them again, as another message appeared on the screen.
Can I talk to you? Really talk? There’s so much I need to tell you. - Tanner
I was about to ask the same thing. - Van.
When? - Tanner
Tonight? I’m taking Zoe out for dinner, but we’ll be back by eight. Does that work? - Van
Yeah, that works. I’ll be there at ten. See you tonight. - Tanner Xx
She stared at the kisses for way longer than was healthy, trying to read the meaning of them. She’d see him tonight and the anticipation was already killing her.
Some old habits died hard. Tanner couldn’t bring himself to knock on her front door. Instead, he tapped on her bedroom window, his jaw set, his eyes soft, his body ready to be close to her again. The days without her had been like a special kind of torture. Yet it had been necessary. Logan was right about that.
As kids it had felt like Van and Tanner shared a brain sometimes. He assumed she thought the same way as he did. Heck, sometimes he really believed she could read his mind. And when he fell in love with her as an eighteen-year-old, he’d thought it would be easy. They didn’t need to talk, they just knew.
But that was bullshit. Had been then, still was now. She had her own thoughts, her own needs, her own feelings. And as much as he wanted to know every single one of them, they were hers, and she got to decid
e whether to share them or not.
Her face appeared at the window, and his breath caught in his throat. Would he always feel this kind of reaction when he saw her? His eyes were drawn to her lips, soft and pink. God, he was aching to kiss her.
You need to talk. The thought sounded a lot like Logan. It made him want to laugh. Van opened the window, holding the curtain aside as he climbed inside.
“Hi.” He looked down at her. She must have recently showered. Her hair was damp, tumbling in waves over her shoulder. Her skin was shining, freshly scrubbed clean. She was wearing a pair of soft jersey shorts and a t-shirt, and right now she looked more like eighteen than twenty-eight. “You look beautiful.”
“Shut up. I’m a mess.”
He grinned because it was so damn good to hear her voice. “Not to me. I want to take a photo of you and make it my phone wallpaper.”
“If you do that, I’ll castrate you.” She lifted an eyebrow. “Just sayin’.”
Christ, he was in love with her. He leaned forward, brushing his lips against her ear. “Sorry, babe, but I’m rather partial to my balls.”
Her eyes darkened, and she turned her face almost imperceptibly toward his. Only an inch more and their lips would touch. He could feel the blood pulsing through him, hot and needy.
You need to talk.
Shut up, Logan! He shook his head to get the voice out of his brain. But it was right. So damn right. They were adults, not kids. He had control of his body, even if all he wanted to do was give into it.
“How’s Zoe?” he asked, in an attempt to bring things back on track.
