The Crazy Classroom Caper

by Tony Abbott

  “We need to know everything teachers know,” said Mara. “We have … a half hour.”

  Mr. Silver blinked. “I see. Well, the best way to do that is for each of you to pick a favorite subject. What do you like to do?”

  “Art,” said Mara. “Because I draw very well, and art is where fashion comes from, and I do fashion very well, too.”

  “I’d be so great at art,” said Brian. “But I don’t want to be right now.”

  “I’ll take history,” said Kelly.

  “I know so much history!” Brian groaned. “Right now I’m thinking of bananas, and the last banana I had was this morning. That’s historical.”

  “You’re bananas,” Kelly said. “I’m doing history.”

  I looked at the shelves stretching to the back of the room. “Reading and writing for me.”

  “I was going to do those!” said Brian. “But I could never figure out which came first, reading or writing.”

  “Really?” said Mr. Silver.

  “Think about it,” Brian said. “Reading couldn’t come before writing because there would be nothing to read. But writing couldn’t come before reading because writers couldn’t read what they wrote.”

  We all stared at him.

  “It’s a riddle,” Brian said.

  “So are you,” said Kelly.

  “Why not take math and science?” asked Mr. Silver.

  Brian beamed. “Yes! I’m already an almost world-class celebrity inventor of inventions.”

  So for the next thirty minutes, we read books and wrote notes and made pictures and looked up stuff and looked down stuff and looked at stuff from every angle.

  The library wasn’t as quiet as it normally is. The workmen kept up their noises the entire time.

  “All that drilling and pounding and banging is making my brain want to explode,” Mr. Silver said.

  “My brain wants to explode right now,” Brian said, “but the government won’t let it.”

  We were so deep in studying that we almost didn’t hear the bell ring, but by the end of the afternoon, the four of us equaled one pretty good teacher.

  “Goofball mystery solvers,” I said, “tomorrow morning at nine sharp, we report for duty in room Four-K.”

  “Our first day as undercover teachers,” said Mara. “I can’t wait.”

  “Our students will be so smart by the end of the day,” said Kelly, “Principal Higgins won’t even believe it.”

  Brian grumbled. “I already don’t believe it. I’m starting to forget everything I just read!”

  4

  When we met in classroom 4K the next morning, we looked just like real teachers.

  My hair was combed neatly, and I wore the suit Grandma gave me, including a necktie, a vest, and shiny shoes.

  I didn’t even look like me.

  Kelly wore a brown sweater, a brown dress, and brown shoes. She couldn’t do her normal powerwalk because her arms were weighed down with books and papers.

  Mara wore a lady dress and shoes with high heels on them. They made her even taller than normal, so that the pencils sticking out of her hair nearly scraped the ceiling.

  Brian zoomed in wearing baggy pants and a rumpled sport coat. His pockets bulged with invention junk, his hair was all crazy, and a furry thing was hanging over his mouth.

  “Sorry I’m late,” he said. “I had to grow this mustache. Call me Professor Shmartz! Math wiz and inventor of inventions!”

  Finally, Sparky trotted in, wearing a little graduation hat, and the kids went crazy.

  They cheered and jumped from their seats and crowded around him.

  “Settle down, class,” Kelly said.

  “Miss B. will be out today,” I told the students, “so we’ll be your teachers. First things first, let’s take attendance.”

  “Take it where?” said one boy.

  The kids laughed.

  I tapped my cluebook. “We want to see if everyone is here.”

  “I’m here,” said a boy with red hair.

  “Me, too!” said the girl next to him.

  The class laughed more.

  “Save yourself some time,” a grouchy little boy said. “We’re all here!”

  The class laughed the most.

  “Tough crowd,” Brian whispered under his mustache.

  I finally got all their names down.

  Mara used one of her pencils to draw faces next to the names so we’d remember them.

  “Now it’s time for history,” said Kelly, setting her papers on the desk. “Today our lesson will be all about —”

  The girl named Julie raised her hand.

  “Yes?” Kelly said.

  “I … to … now …,” Julie whispered.

  “I’m sorry, what did you say?” Kelly asked.

  Julie ran up to her. “I said I have to throw up now.”

  And she did, all over Kelly’s papers.

  “Agggg!” Kelly yelled.

  Then Julie ran straight to the bathroom.

  Kelly staggered back from her pukey notes. “If only she went to the bathroom first.”

  “I’ll take over,” said Brian, moving to the front of the class. “Zip! Bing! Plink —”

  “Hey!” snarled Lil Mikey, the grumpy kid from before. “What’s that noise?”

  “That, son, is my math and science brain,” Brian said under his mustache. Then he spun the globe. “Let Professor Shmartz give you a tour of our world!”

  “Oh, yeah?” Mikey growled. “Well, zippety-plinkety-boo. I already know where every country in the world is. Ask me.”

  Brian frowned. “My lesson isn’t —”

  “I said, ask me!” said Lil Mikey.

  “Ask him! Ask him!” the kids cheered.

  “These kids are a handful, all right,” Mara whispered.

  I kept my eye on all the stuff in the classroom. I was determined that nothing would go missing today. So far so good.

  Brian leaned over to the globe. “Let me see. All right. Tell me where France is.”

  Lil Mikey stood up. “The same place it was last year!”

  The kids laughed.

  “But where’s that?” Brian asked.

  “Right where it should be!”

  The kids laughed harder.

  “I mean, where is it located?”

  “Where nothing else is!” Lil Mikey said, and the kids fell on the floor, laughing.

  Brian seemed dazed as he plopped into Miss Becker’s rocking chair. “What just happened?”

  “You’ve been outgoofed,” said Mara. “Let me try. Good teachers make work seem fun.”

  She clacked her heels together loudly, and all the kids looked up at her.

  “Does everyone like art?” she asked.

  “Yes!” they cried.

  “Does everyone like math?”

  “No!” they cried.

  “Then let’s do ArtMath!” she said.

  “Yay!” they cheered.

  Mara then picked up a piece of chalk and drew really fancy numbers on the chalkboard.

  Kathy’s hand shot up and so did the rest of her. “Two plus two plus two equals one!”

  Mara frowned. “How can two plus two plus two equal one?”

  “Two eyes, two ears, and two lips equal one face!” Kathy said.

  “Yay, ArtMath!” everyone cheered.

  Suddenly, Langston screamed at the top of his lungs. “Where’s Sprinkle?”

  “Sprinkle?” I said. “You mean Sparky?” I pointed behind me. “He’s right here.”

  “Goof?” said Sparky.

  “No! Sprinkle!” said Langston. “Our fish. The fish tank is gone! Oh, poor Sprinkle!”

  Scarlet jumped from her seat and whispered in Langston’s ear.

  “Oh, I forgot,” he said. “Never mind.”

  Kelly jumped to the windowsill. “Where is the fish tank? How could it just vanish? We were all right here.”

  “Here?” said Truman, the red-haired boy. “Are we taking attendance again?
Because I’m pretty sure I’m still here.”

  “Me, too!” said Julie, back from the bathroom and smelling like mint.

  My brain went click. “Aha! You’re all here! Which means that every student in this classroom is … a witness!”

  “Prove it!” said Lil Mikey.

  Witness is a special detective word that means someone who saw something happen.

  I glared down at the students. “So … did anyone see anything?”

  The girl named Katie twirled in her seat. “I saw a cow once!” she said.

  “If you saw it again,” said Neal, “that’s two cows.”

  “My daddy has a cow,” said Regina. “He dwives it to work evwy day!”

  I stared at them. Then I stared at the other Goofballs. Then I stared at the clock.

  It was still first period.

  “Seriously?” I said. “There are another six hours of this?”

  “Only if you don’t count naptime,” said Kelly.

  “But how can fourteen kids seem like so many more?” asked Mara.

  “That’s kindergarten math,” said Brian.

  5

  We decided right then that adding four Goofballs and one Goofdog might not be the way to solve this mystery.

  “Guys, we need to do some division,” I said. “One of us teaches while the rest of us search for C-L-U-E-S.”

  “Kelly?” said Mara. “Do you think you can try again?”

  “I guess so,” she said. “What’s the worst that can happen?”

  “You probably shouldn’t ask that,” said Brian.

  Kelly swallowed hard and took her place in front of the room. I could see she was still upset by Julie getting sick on her notes.

  But a Goofball never quits.

  Kelly gave us a nod. When she began to teach, Brian, Mara, Sparky, and I crept slowly around the classroom like hunting dogs. We sniffed and nosed and pawed everything we saw, searching for clues to solve our mystery.

  I stalked around the place where the goldfish tank used to be.

  Brian went down the aisles, looking for clues to the missing puppet theater.

  Mara searched the closets and under the tables for evidence of the missing art easel.

  Nothing.

  Nothing.

  Nothing.

  Meanwhile, Kelly wasn’t doing much better.

  “What can anyone tell me about George Washington?” she asked the class.

  “He invented laundry,” said the girl named Colleen. “He loved washing so much he did a ton of it. So they called him Washing … ton.”

  Kelly frowned. “Hmm. Anyone else?”

  Truman raised his hand. “He lived in Washington, DC, because it had the same name as him, so he always knew when to get off the train.”

  “That might be a little wrong,” Kelly said.

  “Of course it’s wrong,” said Henri. “We all know George Washington never took trains.”

  “That’s right,” said Kelly. “And how do we know that?”

  “Because Washington drove a car,” Henri said. “That’s what DC stands for. Drove a car!”

  Kelly practically choked. “I’m … I’m … dumbfounded!”

  “That’s a bad word,” Regina said. “I’m telling Miss Becker.”

  Kelly started to wobble, so we carried her back to Miss Becker’s rocking chair.

  “Teaching is hard,” she groaned.

  It was about to get even harder.

  “My turn,” I said, marching to the front of the class. “Kids, I’m going to read you my favorite story. It’s about a boy named Noodle and his best friend, Zeek. Gather at the reading tree while I get my book.…”

  “We can’t even do that!” shouted Eric.

  “Of course we can,” I said. “The tree is right over — akkkk! The reading tree is gone!”

  “Now we’ll never learn to read!” the kids cried. And they started running in circles around where the tree used to be.

  “Goof! Goof!” Sparky barked as he chased them around, trying to get them back into their seats.

  I swung around to my fellow detectives. “Goofballs!” I cried. “What’s going on here? We’re losing stuff left and right.”

  “And in the middle, too,” Brian added.

  In my cluebook, I put an X next to each thing missing. It wasn’t looking good. There were way too many Xs!

  “Hold on,” Kelly whispered. “I bet the tree vanished the moment you helped me to the rocking chair. These kids must be doing it!”

  Suddenly, the bell rang.

  “Lunchtime!” Regina cried out.

  “Run and get your lunches, please,” said Mara, and the kids rushed to their cubbies in the back of the room.

  “Keep your eyes on those kids,” I said. “Don’t let any of them out of your sight.…”

  No sooner had the kids grabbed their lunch bags than they suddenly made a wall completely across the back of the room. “Lunchtime!” they sang. Then they hurried back to their tables and started munching.

  “That was weird,” said Brian.

  “Maybe singing is a new kindergarten tradition,” I said, counting the kids one by one as they took their seats. “Eleven, twelve, thirteen … thirteen …”

  I counted the students again. “Thirteen?”

  I started to shiver.

  Even though we had all the kids in plain sight the whole time, one of them had just vanished.

  Vanished!

  “Um,” I said, “where’s number fourteen?”

  “Right between thirteen and fifteen!” said Kathy.

  “Teachers should know their numbers,” Leonardo added.

  “Teachers should also not lose their students,” said Kelly.

  6

  Now I was worried. Losing a reading tree was one thing. But losing a student? There were probably rules against that.

  I immediately checked the room chart. Only one person wasn’t there.

  “Scarlet Boggs? We lost Scarlet Boggs? Where did she go? And how?”

  No one raised a hand. Every student looked down at his or her lunch and ate quietly.

  Mara clacked her heels again. “Everyone, stop eating and look up at me this instant.”

  They did.

  “You know that lying is wrong, don’t you?” she asked.

  Regina raised her hand. “No, it’s not. Mommy says I have to lie once evwy day.”

  “She does?” I asked.

  “She says, ‘Lie on your bed and go to sleep!’ I’ll do it wight now, see?”

  Regina put her head down and started snoring. Everyone giggled and kept eating.

  “Goofballs!” I whispered, not taking my eyes off the class. “We’re getting nowhere!”

  “Meanwhile, Scarlet Boggs is getting everywhere,” said Kelly. “This is bad.”

  Suddenly, the knob on the classroom door squeaked. We swung around. When the door opened, Scarlet Boggs walked in. Her thumb was in her mouth. Her other hand was clutching her lunch bag.

  “How did you do that?” I asked.

  “Do what?” she said around her thumb.

  “How did you just appear there?” I asked.

  She pulled her thumb out and wiped it on her green shirt. “I appear wherever I am,” she said. “And look. Snow!” She lowered her head and brushed her hair and white dust came flaking off like snow. “Spelled W-O-N-S!”

  “Aha!” Kelly gasped. “Worker dust! You left this classroom!”

  “I do every day,” Scarlet said. “It’s how I get home when school’s over.”

  Kelly strode right up to her and set her hands on her hips. “Scarlet, where exactly have you been?”

  She looked up at Kelly with her big eyes. “Canada, once. New York City, three times. And Florida, where Grammy lives,” she said. “But I love Badger Point the best!”

  “Yay, Badger Point!” the kids cheered.

  “Now I have to eat,” said Scarlet.

  “Sit! Eat!” Brian said. He swept the snow dust into an evidence
bag and stuffed it in his pocket. Then he took out a cardboard tube covered with foil. With an elastic band attached to it, he put it over his head and onto his nose.

  “Professor Shmartz will sniff out more evidence. Behold how he moves!” He took slow giant steps from table to table.

  I couldn’t figure out how Scarlet had gone from the back of the classroom to the hallway outside the room while we were all watching.

  It was impossible.

  Except that she had just done it!

  “Professor Shmartz, stop!” Brian yelled out to himself. He stopped. “Something’s very fishy in this classroom,” he said.

  “Not Sprinkle. He’s gone,” said Langston. “But never mind.”

  “It’s my tuna melt,” said Scarlet. “I have to wait for it to cool.”

  Brian jumped. “Aha and aha! Scarlet, if your lunch has been in the cubby all morning, why is your sandwich so hot?”

  “So the cheese can melt, silly!” she said.

  “Yay, cheese!” everyone yelled.

  Kelly dragged us back to the front of the room. “Goofballs,” she whispered, “these kids are up to something, but they’re in it together.”

  “You’re right!” I said.

  “I say we forget trying to make them spill the beans,” Kelly continued. “Let’s concentrate on the missing stuff.”

  “Meaning,” said Kelly, “that there are two parts to every disappearance. Part one, something leaves where it is. Part two, it goes somewhere else.”

  “That makes sense,” said Brian.

  “Good work, Kelly,” I said. “Since we can’t seem to stop things from leaving this classroom, we should search for where they’ve ended up.”

  Mara grinned. “That’s a great detective bit. Write it in your cluebook, Jeff.”

  I did.

  The bell rang again.

  “Naptime!” shouted Truman.

  Leonardo tapped Regina on the head with a pencil. “Regina, wake up. It’s naptime.”

  I nodded slowly. “Naptime for them is detective time for us.”

  “Leave Sparky with me,” whispered Brian. “We’ll check every inch of the classroom while they’re napping. You guys search the rest of the school.”