by Holly Martin
My head was swimming. He was right, I was drunk – and this argument made almost no sense. Harry was simply not the drunken fumble sort of man, and I was angry that the kiss had been thwarted rather than at Harry. I pulled out of his embrace, still unsure what the kiss had meant.
We walked back to the hotel, still in silence but the tension seemed to have gone – leaving behind only confusion.
Once back in the room, we both got changed for bed. I slipped under the covers and probably more out of habit than anything else, Harry curled himself around my back, tucking me in to his chest with his arm round my waist. I considered removing myself from his arms for a few seconds but he was breathing deeply a few moments later and I didn’t want to disturb him.
*
I woke the next morning to an empty bed, which didn’t make me feel any better about the kiss. I sat up to see if he was there but I was alone.
Next to my bed was a jam jar with a note inside. Curious, I unscrewed the lid and tipped the note out onto the bed.
It wasn’t a long note but what it said made me smile, hugely.
‘You are my best friend and I have never regretted a single moment in your company, when you’ve shouted at me, laughed with me, slept with me, or kissed me, being with you has always given me the best moments in my life.’
I hugged the letter to me when I noticed another jam jar by the door, again with a note inside.
I climbed out of bed, unscrewed the lid on the second jar and tipped the note out.
‘Breakfast will be served to you by the pool under the tree canopy at the far end. Please stay by the pool until you’re called sometime this afternoon. I don’t want you to see anything you shouldn’t. I have to prepare your final proposal. I’ll see you later.
Love Harry xxx’
I smiled. I quickly showered, dressed and went down to the pool. I was nervous about this proposal. Just what did he have planned for the final one? And how would I feel when it was finally over?
Would we return to being two friends sitting in our office or had this trip irrevocably changed us?
I lay on my sun lounger replying to the huge volume of work emails, hoping I would catch some glimpse of Harry before the proposal, but there was no sign of him all day. I watched the sun glinting off the water of the pool and found myself drifting off.
*
I woke with a start as a hand slid down my back. I was lying on my front and the sun had moved round so now my head and shoulders were caught in the rays. I was wearing a hat but my shoulders felt hot. The hand stroking me was Harry’s, it had to be, it was too overly familiar otherwise.
‘You’ll burn if you’re not careful,’ Harry whispered in my ear as he slathered more sun cream into my back and neck.
I arched my back slightly into his expert touch. His hands stilled. ‘But then you get to rub after-sun into my back too.’
The hands were gone and a second later I saw him sit down on the sunbed next to me.
Talk about mixed messages. His attitude after the kiss still hurt but the way he had kissed me was permanently etched inside my brain – a glorious, vivid image that I would replay again and again and again.
I sat up and looked at him. He must have seen the question in my eyes.
‘When you flirt with me like that, I never know whether it’s a genuine ‘I want your hands on me’ flirt or just friendly banter.’ Harry looked down. ‘I just think a gesture like that means something very different to me than it does to you.’
‘You flirt all the time. How do you think that makes me feel?’
‘I never flirt, not with you.’
I felt my mouth fall open. ‘How can you say that, you’re one hundred percent flirt – every move, every word, every look is flirty. You flirt with everyone – strangers, Chloe, me. Trust me when I say you’re even harder to read. I have no idea where I stand with you.’
‘Seriously! You have no idea? None at all? Have I not given you any clue on this trip?’
I stared at him and like a flashback in a movie, my mind played back how many times Harry had told me I was his best friend. Is that what he meant, we were friends and nothing more? But then if that was the case, that kiss was nothing more than a drunken fumble and it certainly didn’t feel like that.
‘You kissed me.’ I said.
‘You kissed me.’
‘Oh Harry you’re such a child.’
I stood up to leave but he stopped me.
‘And you storming off every time we get into a fight isn’t childish?’
I stared down at his hand in mine and felt myself smile. ‘I’m a woman, that’s what we do.’
He laughed. ‘Please let’s not argue about this.’ He pulled me down onto the sunbed next to him. ‘It’s our last day and I have something beautiful planned for tonight. Just tell me one thing and I promise I’ll say no more about it. When I touch you like that, when my hands are on you, do you like it?’
I stared at his gentle brown eyes, at the lips I so wanted to kiss again and I answered automatically. ‘Yes.’
He nodded, more to himself than to me, then he stood up. ‘Come on, we need to get ready.’
‘Wait, I just told you something…’ I gestured vaguely, ‘…about us, are you not going to give me anything in return?’
He smiled – his gorgeous, winning charm-the-birds-from-the-trees smile. ‘Tonight, I promise. But let’s get through this pantomime first. We have a show to put on. But I think you’ll like it.’
I felt uneasy about that. I sort of wanted our last proposal to just be the two of us, but it sounded like he had a huge spectacle planned. He rubbed away my frown I didn’t even know I was wearing.
‘I bought you something.’ He handed me another jar. There was a large flower inside, almost filling the whole jar, its petals were the palest pink. But also as I took the jar I realised it was filled with water, sea water judging by the tiny bits of sand that were also floating around inside. As the water swirled, tiny sparkles of gold twinkled inside too.
‘Harry, it’s beautiful. What’s it for?’
‘It’s a clue for what tonight will hold. And because I love seeing you smile.’
I smiled as I leaned into him. Whatever he had in mind for tonight, it was going to be ok, I knew it.
*
The dolphin feeding, so Harry had told me, was one of the main attractions in Tangalooma. A wild bottlenose dolphin pod visited the shores every evening to be hand fed by the tourists.
There was a storm on its way in and the air had got a lot cooler. The waves were getting slightly choppy and we had been told that the dolphins might not stay for long.
I put the jam jar that Harry had just given me down on the sand – this one was filled with a cuddly dolphin – and walked into the shallows with Harry. The night sky had long since arrived but we could see clearly thanks to the lights that lined the edge of the pier and reflected off the water.
My heart was thudding with what tonight may hold, but all thoughts of that almost vanished when the dolphins arrived. The marine biologists in the water with us easily recognised which dolphins had visited that night and as they drew closer they introduced them to us as Echo, Silhouette, Rani, Zephyr and Bella.
I was so excited. It was the weirdest feeling of wanting to do this all over again and I hadn’t even done it yet.
We watched as the dolphins swam around us – some of them, we were told, were hunting food for themselves as the fish we provided only gave them a small percentage of their daily diet. Their sleek bodies cut through the water like flashes of silver. Some were rolling on their backs, or poking their heads out of the water. As a few got closer, some of them started blowing air from their holes – spraying water over us.
We were told to hold the fish in the water and let the dolphins take them. As a fish was gently pulled from my hand by Silhouette I glanced across at Harry who was grinning inanely at the wonder of it. It truly was one of the most exhilarating and moving experiences of m
y life.
But all too soon the fish were gone and the dolphins started to drift away. I watched them until I could no longer see them. It was really getting dark now and the wind was getting up. I became aware that Harry was no longer with me.
I glanced around and then turned to look back at the beach. Harry was waiting for me and I sensed this was only the beginning. He offered me his hand and I sploshed through the water to reach him.
Without a word he pulled me down the beach, away from the lights and the pier until it was just us, standing under the trees in the dark. This is what I wanted, just us, no grand gestures, just simple words. Just three little words.
‘We have to wait here a minute, they’re not quite ready,’ he said, and for the first time I realised he was wearing a hands-free earpiece.
I quelled the tiny stab of disappointment that it wasn’t going to just be us after all. But after, there would be time for us to be alone. And we would talk. I was damned sure about that.
‘I have to blindfold you,’ he said, looking into my eyes to see if I was ok with that. I nodded. He pulled a scarf from his pocket and wrapped it round my head, plunging me into darkness.
I felt his hands on my arms, his warm breath on my face, and desire erupted through me.
‘Are you cold?’ he asked quietly, as he ran his hands over my goose bumps.
‘Not one bit.’
His hands stilled on my arms as he understood my meaning, and then I felt them move to my waist as he pulled me in gently towards him. Was he going to kiss me as he did the night before? My heart was thundering against my chest. He held me against him but nothing else happened. The tension was almost unbearable. I leaned in further, leaned up ever so slightly and felt his lips faintly brush against mine, so soft it was barely a whisper.
‘They’re ready, come on.’ Harry took me by the hand and guided me gently down the beach. We walked for a few minutes and I could hear whispers of people, then Harry stopped me and removed the blindfold from my eyes.
Hundreds of people stood in front of me lining the beach, all of them holding a jam jar with a candle in. Flowers formed a path between them and beyond up onto the hillside. We followed the path of flowers, walking between them, and they all smiled and nodded at me as we passed, but none of them said a word. I noticed the candles in the jars were fake, little battery operated tea lights and a feeling of immense sadness resonated in me. None of this was real. We walked through the crowd and up the hill – I looked back and realised they were in some kind of shape, though I couldn’t see from this angle what shape they were in. We continued walking until we reached the peak of the small hill, Harry holding my hand the whole time.
I watched Harry carefully as we stopped. Then looked back at the people on the beach below. The candlelit message was vividly scrawled across the sand. ‘I Love You, Marry Me.’
I gasped as I whirled round to face Harry again. He was already down on one knee. But bizarrely he was wearing a head mic, making it look like he was a pop star about to launch into a song. Surely he wasn’t going to sing to me.
‘It’s show time,’ he muttered, then he switched the mic on and somewhere down on the beach I heard speakers squeak into life.
‘Suzie McKenzie,’ Harry said, and I heard his voice echo across the beach for all to hear. ‘I love you.’
The crowd cheered.
My heart was in my throat. The words I finally wanted to hear. But unease settled in my gut and refused to go away.
‘I’ve always loved you – from the first moment we met, I knew I was in trouble. I remember you standing there in your stained dressing gown and hippo slippers and I fell head over heels in love with you then. I love your laugh, your beautiful smile – and when you turn that smile on me it’s one of the best feelings in the world, like you’re smiling just for me. I love your freckles on your nose, I love the way the wind blows your hair, I love your smell, I love your little bouncy walk, the way you wrinkle your nose when you think. I love how you close your eyes when you eat. I love lying next to you in bed, holding you in my arms.’ The crowd whooped at this and I heard a few wolf whistles. He really was putting on a show. ‘I love the person I’ve become because of you. I love you.’ The crowd collectively ‘ahhhhed’ as if we were in a pantomime. ‘Every day I’m with you makes me so happy, but you would make me the happiest man alive if you would do me the honour of being my wife. Marry me?’
My head was buzzing and the people on the beach cheered again. Harry laughed at their response. I looked at him and he was grinning up at me, his eyes filled with mischief and humour. This was all for show, every single word. It was as fake as the candles on the beach. Disappointment flooded through me in great waves.
‘Well?’ He grinned up at me.
My carefully reined in emotions snapped. I held my hand out for the mic and he passed it to me. I yanked the cable out from the headset and the speakers squeaked before going silent.
‘What is it you want from me, Harry? You’re putting on a show for them. None of this is real. One hundred empty, meaningless proposals.’ I watched his face fall at my venom, but I didn’t care. How could he hurt me like this when he knew how I felt about him? ‘I didn’t turn down greasy kebab boy because he proposed to me over a greasy kebab in a vandalised bus shelter, I turned him down because I didn’t love him, because he certainly didn’t love me. I know I shouldn’t be saying this considering the line of business we’re in, but there’s really only one thing that gets women excited about proposals. It isn’t the ring, the location, the fireworks or flowers, it isn’t even the words the men find to ask the big question. It’s the man they love wanting to spend the rest of their life with them. Because after the proposal comes marriage, the happy ever after. And that is what’s been missing from every single one of your proposals. You could have asked me to marry you on the back seat of the number thirty-seven bus on a rainy day sharing a bag of chips and I would have said yes.’ I dashed angry tears from my eyes and Harry’s face went all blurry. ‘I didn’t kiss you last night because I was drunk and horny. I kissed you because I love you, because I’ve always loved you. Every single one of your proposals was perfect because it was you doing the asking. Perfect apart from one tiny detail. The man I love, the man asking me to marry him, doesn’t actually love me.’
I turned and walked away. When he called after me, the walk turned into a run.
*
I stood on the beach as the rain lashed around me. I was soaked to the skin, my hair clinging to my head, but it was a warm rain so I didn’t really mind. Dark clouds rolled above me, lit up periodically by flashes of electric blue. Forks of lightning ripped apart the sky with foreboding cracks and rumbles of thunder. Wind roared across the sea, throwing white crested waves onto the sand.
I loved a good storm. I much preferred the beauty and power of a storm than a sunset or sunrise.
I couldn’t find it in me to be angry at Harry any more. He really hadn’t done anything wrong. He had never given me any false hope or promises. We had started this trip as friends and it was me that had moved the goal posts. He had made it clear all along, we were friends, best friends, nothing more. Yes he had kissed me but more likely I had kissed him first and being drunk he had simply kissed me back. I should expect no less from someone who attracted women like a jar of jam attracted bees. I couldn’t hate him for not returning my feelings. He had showed me the world and I could never be ungrateful for that.
It was going to be weird between us from now on. I didn’t know if we could get past this now.
Surprisingly, given the noise of the storm, I knew he was suddenly there behind me. I turned to look at him.
‘Hello,’ he said, stepping closer. He was wearing his big coat. I loved that coat, especially as he had given it to me to wear on countless chilly occasions. I doubted he would be chivalrously handing it over today, he hated the rain. Though I supposed that him coming to look for me in this weather rather than waiting in the warmth of our
hotel room spoke for something.
‘You’re soaked.’
‘It’s raining.’ Wow, this was awkward.
To my surprise, he suddenly started unbuttoning his coat and then held it open like he was a flasher.
One step better than giving me the coat was sharing it with me. I hesitated for a moment, then stepped up against his warm body, leaning my head against his chest as he fastened the coat around my back.
I closed my eyes as I felt his heart beating against my ear. If we could do this, maybe we would be ok after all.
‘What are you doing out here?’
‘Watching the storm.’
‘Don’t your eyes have to be open for that?’
My eyes snapped open and I realised he was looking at me.
‘So we need to clear a few things up –’
‘No we don’t, we can just pretend that my little outburst back there never happened.’
‘I liked it, finally one of my proposals caused some kind of reaction. Though you shouting at me wasn’t really the reaction I was hoping for.’
‘What were you hoping for? I couldn’t let myself get excited about them – ’
‘I was hoping you would say yes.’
My heart leapt and Harry felt it because he was suddenly smiling down at me. He wrapped his arms round my back and pulled me tighter against him.
‘I realise I’ve gone about this arse about face. I should have told you I loved you before, that I’ve been in love with you since the first day I walked into your house. I should have told you every day. But I didn’t. You know why I didn’t. I couldn’t risk losing you like I’d lost and been rejected by everyone else I’ve ever loved.’
‘But…’ He really loved me? That was so not what I was expecting to hear. I looked around for the crowds but we were alone. ‘You couldn’t tell me in private, when we were up in the mountains and you were pouring out your heart, you couldn’t tell me then but you declare it here in front of everyone?’
