by Abigail Agar
He leaned forward and placed his pen back to the paper, scrawling words to share with her how he felt, how he cared for her, but not in the way that mattered. He was honest, but also kind.
An end to the engagement. An end to what had been arranged so long ago.
Correspondence had always passed between them, it had been their primary method of communication. But never had he ended a letter with such a sad goodbye, such a mournful honesty.
And yet Nathaniel knew that he would have to send it. He read over it once more.
My Dear Miss Hawthorne,
I thank you for your last letter. It warmed my heart to read your words and I am reminded of all the plans that were made for us once, long ago.
As you are aware, my father’s passing has grieved me. I had not yet ceased to mourn my mother when he was so suddenly taken from me as well. The pain that has overwhelmed me in the midst of this is unbearable. It is an unshakeable agony that no son wishes to inherit.
You are also, no doubt, aware that my father and I were quite close. There are a great many fathers in positions similar to that which my father bore who do not engage closely with their children.
My father was not one of those. No, rather he was a good man, a kind father, and a noble husband to my mother.
I wish to be such a husband to the woman that I marry. And to that end, it pains me to write you this letter, to tell you that I must end our engagement.
It was the wish of both our parents that we might wed, and as such, I always anticipated that it would come to pass. However, in the midst of this loss, I have been forced to accept a truth that I had long denied. I cannot love you as you ought to be loved. I cannot be the husband you are so deserving of.
I must beg your forgiveness. You are worth such a great deal of affection and I have no doubt that you shall find the sort of spouse you ought to spend your life with.
Please know that I shall take on all suspicion or gossip for the ending of our engagement. I understand that the reputation of young women is often called into question and it is my greatest intent to ensure that you are not affected in this manner. I have to end this because my grief has opened my eyes to the reality of our situation. It is not anything you have done. It is my own heart that has been false.
I can no longer pursue our engagement, but I shall always be grateful for the time that we were friends, the time that we were close. I wish you all the greatest for the future and I look forward to hearing more about the joys of your life ahead.
May you always be given the goodness that you deserve.
Your friend,
Nathaniel Norton, Earl of Glauston
It was all he had to say. Painful, difficult, and deeply important. But he had it written and this was the goal he had been trying to complete.
A knock came to the door of Nathaniel’s study and he called for the maid to enter.
“My lord, shall I call for the coach?” she asked.
Nathaniel knew it was nearly time for him to leave. He checked the clock once again, just to be sure, and realised that he did, indeed, have only a small window of time.
“Yes, Miss Hobbs, thank you,” he replied.
The letter was completed, and he sealed it in an envelope. He would have it delivered while he was out, on his way to Lord Kensington’s house.
He had a great deal to do, but he also considered the fact that he needed to see his grandmother the following day. It would be her birthday and she was experiencing a terrible difficulty as well.
“My lord, the coach is ready,” Miss Hobbs informed him.
Nathaniel stood and made his way towards the door. Realising he had left the letter on his desk, he quickly turned back and grasped it. In his soul, he felt a deep longing to destroy the paper. But he knew he was doing the right thing. He did not love her. He had to end the engagement.
His thoughts turning back to his grandmother, Nathaniel considered how he was going and surprise her with the trinket he had purchased from the market the previous day.
It seemed there was a great number of wonderful items coming in due to an increase in trade. Trade was giving England a great deal of flair that Nathaniel had never imagined, but these were wonderful gifts.
The little box with the secret bottom and the song that played within it was a tremendously beautiful delight. Just the thing his grandmother would love and certainly something she did not already have.
“Good afternoon, my lord,” the coachman greeted. Nathaniel greeted him in reply and got in the coach as his thoughts continued to drift.
His grandmother had been struggling deeply over the loss of his father and he hoped this might give her something small to enjoy. The two of them had certainly grown much closer in the midst of their loss.
When Nathaniel arrived at Lord Kensington’s home, he handed the letter to the coachman and instructed him to have it delivered while he was with his friend. He went inside and was led to his friend’s study.
“Good afternoon, Mr. Norton,” Lord Kensington greeted.
“Good afternoon, Mr. Compton. I am glad to see you,” Nathaniel smiled.
Lord Kensington gestured for him to sit and he poured a glass for him. They relaxed for a while and enjoyed an easy conversation about small things. But after a time, Nathaniel knew that the conversation would take a turn.
“And what about Miss Hawthorne? When do you plan to wed?” Lord Kensington enquired.
Nathaniel sighed again. He was nervous to share his thoughts about this. “I have written to her in order to end the engagement,” he confessed.
Lord Kensington’s eyebrows raised in surprise.
“I understand that it is not something typically done, but I could not allow it to continue. A wonderful young woman, she is, but I simply could not marry her.”
“Have you received a response?” Lord Kensington asked.
“I have only just sent the letter. I hope to hear from her soon. But I do hope that she has an understanding as to my circumstance. I am in a very different place, as it happens. I cannot marry a woman I do not love. Now, more than ever, I am realising the importance of marrying someone I wish to spend my life with,” he answered.
Lord Kensington nodded. “I understand. We are not men afforded this sort of choice, you know.”
“I know. But it ought not to be such. We should not be forced to marry for the mere sake of opportunity. And it would be unfair to Miss Hawthorne if I led her into a marriage in which we could not make one another happy.”
“Yes, well, that is quite true. I do wonder, however, if her parents will not simply engage her to another man who will not love her any more than you could have,” Lord Kensington noted.
“Perhaps. But if she were to marry me, then I know for certain that she would not be loved.”
“And your grandmother? What does she have to say about this?” the earl asked.
A coy smile pulled at the sides of Nathaniel’s mouth. He had wondered this himself but was growing closer to an answer.
“I shall inform her tomorrow when I see her. To be truthful, initially I was quite concerned. However, when I think about it, I do believe that my grandmother will be understanding. She was unhappy with my father for having arranged it, although she never told him openly. It was clear enough on her face.” He chuckled at the memory.
“Interesting. I suppose then that she will not mind,” the earl commented.
“Indeed. I believe that she will be rather understanding of the situation. And being that my grandmother and I have grown so much closer through the loss of my father, we shall be able to discuss it rather comfortably.”
“How is she doing? I have seen how you are working to get through this time, but how is your grandmother?”
Nathaniel thought for a moment, wishing to answer as best he could and hoping that he would do justice to his grandmother.
“She is doing as well as any woman might during such a difficult circumstance. Or man. Anyone who experiences the
loss of a child. I have spent a great deal of time with her, but I am well aware that it remains difficult for her. She misses my father. She even missed my mother, despite having not cared a great deal for her over the years,” Nathaniel said.
“She disliked your mother?” Lord Kensington asked, surprised by this news.
“It was not a dislike. But I often saw that she doubted the love between my parents and I believe it was for good reason. Although my parents were loyal to one another, it certainly did not appear as though they had a true love,” he admitted sadly.
“You think not?”
Nathaniel realised then that he had perhaps made an error. Lord Kensington was a friend of his father, certainly long before he began to befriend Nathaniel. Was it wrong for him to confess a doubt about the love between his mother and father?
“I simply wonder at times,” he reiterated.
“Yes, I suppose there is nothing wrong with that. It is difficult to discover love between others. And in times like ours, it is a question worth asking. A great deal of marriages are arranged just as yours was,” Lord Kensington noted. But suddenly, he added, “So I think you are correct, Mr. Norton. It is possible they did not have love. But they did have you. And I believe that that was enough.”
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