“He was something to you, too,” he whispers.
I know what he means but, it was never what he thinks. Chris and I were together one time and it resulted in Zoey. He made no attempt to hide the fact that he wanted more between us, but no matter how much I tried to make myself want it the same way he did, I couldn’t. He didn’t deserve that, either; to have someone who was settling and not completely in love with him.
Rather than open up that can of worms right now, I simply nod and say, “Yeah.” Which is the truth. He was something to me. Not just my daughter’s father. Not just Beau’s brother. Chris was my partner in so many senses of the word. We co-parented and he was my friend. But something tells me that Beau has assumed that we were more than that. I’m certain Chris told him that he had bought me a ring and got down on one knee, only to be rejected. Though, I think Chris knew that was coming. He didn’t seem surprised when I tearfully told him no. What I’m not certain of, though, is what way Chris spun my rejection to Beau. Did he tell him the truth? That after I told him no, he was angry with me and didn’t understand? That he accused me of being in love with Beau — something I couldn’t deny. He was frustrated, and I understood, but aside from that one night together, I’d never given him any indication that I felt any other way than friendship toward him.
I guess one could argue that having sex with him was a pretty solid indication that I did feel something other than friendship, but that was a good mistake. One I’ll never regret because it gave me Zoey.
I hear Beau blow out a ragged breath and my heart does a little gallop. “I can’t believe he’s gone, Addy. How is this real?”
“I don’t know. I’m so sorry.”
“It doesn’t make sense. He was healthy.”
“He was. And he was happy, too. Right to the end. Remember that and let it give you some peace. He was happy with his life, Beau.” Another truth. He was so happy. Loved his job as a vice principal for the high school. Loved his daughter and his family and me. He’d moved on from the idea of us being together and had gone on a few, albeit unsuccessful, dates over the last year. In his mind, though, no one would ever be good enough to be a part of Zoey’s life in a stepmother capacity.
He stares at me for a long moment then nods, closing his eyes.
“I know. It was too soon, though.”
I have no words that will make him feel better, so I simply lie here in bed with him and Zoey. Letting the silence overwhelm us until, eventually, his breathing even outs and I know he’s fallen asleep. Only then do I allow myself to do the same.
When we wake in the morning, I know nothing will be the same and the next few days will without a doubt be some of the hardest any of us have ever had to go through so I do my best to shut my mind off.
Chapter Four
Beau
My eyes are scratchy when I try to pry my lids open. I know I got several hours of sleep last night, but it sure doesn’t feel like it.
The sweet scent of my niece surrounds me, as do all her limbs. I’m pretty sure they multiplied overnight. I lift my head to get a better look and grin when I see she has an arm and leg thrown over me and one of each thrown over Addy as well. She looks like a starfish and it warms my heart that she is comfortable and content enough to sleep this way. Slipping out from under her leg, I take care of business in the guest bathroom rather than using Addy’s master bath then go to the kitchen to start some coffee.
As quietly as possible, I move around the unfamiliar space and open cupboards until I find what I’m looking for. I pull out two mugs and get my own coffee ready while Addy and Zoey sleep.
Taking my cup into their small living room, I look around the area that looks cozy and comfortable. A blue patterned loveseat sits next to a cream colored sofa which is livened up by bright and cheerful throw pillows of different shapes, sizes, and colors. The walls are painted much the same. A wall of turquoise and one of cobalt blue. It’s not an eye-sore, though. It’s perfectly Addy.
Pictures hang from one wall that shows Zoey at all different stages of her life as well as some of Addy, Chris, and my family. A large picture of Addy’s mom, Suzie, hangs in the center and my heart clenches. She’s wearing a pink and green scarf wrapped around her head, a mask covering her mouth and nose, smiling eyes, and a two-day old Zoey in her arms. We lost her a little over a year after this picture was taken when her battle with breast cancer won.
Shame over the way I reacted when I first found out that Addy was pregnant with Chris’s child washes over me as I continue to look at the pictures. After I found out my high school girlfriend was cheating on me, I turned to Addy. Our friendship was already strong but she was there for me in a time I needed her most. I left for college and nothing changed in our friendship. We talked almost daily and visited each other as often as we could. When I’d come home for breaks, weekends, or holidays, my time was spent with Addy, who stayed in town to work for her mother’s flower shop. She took over ownership right after they found out she was pregnant. The Village Florist is Addy’s second home. I can’t imagine her working anywhere else.
And how did I repay her and show her friendship in return? I never babysat Zoey or fed her a bottle. Without a doubt, I was the worst kind of uncle there is during the nine months of Zoey’s life until Addy’s mom pulled me aside, told me to pull my head out of my ass and get over the fact that my brother had what I wanted. I was shocked that she knew, considering I’d barely admitted it to myself. But Suzie was an all-knowing mama bear.
“You’ve loved her since you were in the eighth grade, Beau. I saw the moment you looked at her differently. You’ve just been too blind to see it. Stupid, stupid man,” she mutters and I flinch but don’t laugh. Even though it is kind of funny, it’s also very, very true. I’m stupid.
“I don’t…”
“Don’t do that, Beau. Just promise me that eventually, you’ll see the truth that’s been before you all these years. I need that promise, Beau. I won’t be here to continue to yell at you until you wisen up so listen to me now. Before it’s too late, you need to let her know how you feel.”
“Suzie…”
“No. Do not throw excuses at me. You know as well as I do that this cancer isn’t going away. I won’t be here for long and I have one request. That you promise me that my daughter will be taken care of. That you’ll love her the way only you can. Promise me, Beau.”
Without hesitation, I answer her. “I promise.”
“Good. You know that she loves you, too.” She’s so matter-of-fact about it that it makes me blink once, twice.
“What?”
She rolls her eyes, driving in the fact that she knows I’m a stupid man. “Don’t tell me you didn’t know this.”
“She slept with my brother,” I remind her through gritted teeth.
“Because she’d just found out I was sick. She was sad. Drunk. And you weren’t here. I have no doubt that if you were…”
I shake my head. What she’s implying isn’t anything I could even fathom. “Don’t say it. Zoey is Chris’s daughter and I can’t imagine a scenario otherwise.”
Her eyes soften and she reaches over to hold my hand. It’s cold and clammy and I place my other hand over hers to warm it. “And that, right there, is why I know you’re meant for my girl. Because you see the truth even if it is hard for you to accept.”
I knew that Chris and Addy weren’t together, but they shared something she and I never would. And for that, I was not just jealous. I was bitter and angry and everything in between. Supportive? Not one single minute. To say I didn’t act on my best behavior would be putting it mildly, which is why Suzie took me by the proverbial ear and gave me a talking to.
I was behaving like an asshole, to say the least, and acted like a child who didn’t get what they wanted. And what I wanted, was Addy as my own. I wanted her to be pregnant with my baby. For me to be the one in the hospital room with her when she gave birth to our daughter. But that isn’t how life works. We don’t get wha
t we want if we’re not willing to put in the work or even put ourselves out there. We don’t deserve a single thing in life if we aren’t willing to fight for it.
And Addy? I’ve wanted to fight for every single minute of every single day since the moment I realized I was in love with her. Unfortunately, the realization of what I wanted — who I was in love with — came to me too late. I remember the night Addy told me she was pregnant with Zoey like it happened two minutes ago. She was so upset.
“Beau. I messed up. I can’t believe I did this.”
I usher Addy inside my house by tugging on her hand. After getting her situated on the couch, I pull her close and rub her back as she cries. “What’s wrong? Whatever it is, I’ll help you. It’s going to be okay.”
She shakes her head, her long, wavy, dark blonde hair swooshing around her face. “Not this time, Beau. There’s nothing you can do.”
I hate that she would ever think that. There’s never been a time when I haven’t been able to fix whatever is bothering her. Her crying turns into sobs and I pull her to my chest, wrapping my arms around her to hold her tight. I try not to think about how perfect she feels in my arms but it’s impossible to ignore. Almost our whole lives she’s been my Addy. Just not my Addy in a way that she’s mine. She’s been there, right beside me as my best friend.
The stirrings of something more, though, have been becoming louder and louder. Impossible to ignore.
“Addy, it’s okay. Just tell me what happened and we’ll fix it. Is it your mom? Is she worse?”
“No. That’s not it.”
Dread fills my stomach because the worst thing that I can imagine is her mom’s health slipping. How could whatever she’s about to tell me be worse than that? I swallow hard and press my lips together before barely getting my next words out. “Then what is it?”
“I’m pregnant,” she whispers, tears flooding her eyes.
My arms convulse around her and I clench my jaw. That’s not what I expected. At all. I didn’t even know she was seeing anyone. I, myself, haven’t been with a woman in over eighteen months. Since I started feeling like there was something more between Addy and me but have been too much of a chicken shit to do anything about it.
Now, it might be too late.
I clear my throat to find my voice and ask to make sure that I heard her right. “You’re pregnant?”
She nods against my chest, holding me tighter. “Three months. I can’t believe this. Oh my gosh, Beau, what am I going to do?”
“Does he know?” I ask, deciding not to ask who it is. I’ll find out eventually but for right now, I need to focus just on one thing at a time. On the fact that my best friend, the woman who I fell in love with when I didn’t even realize I’d fallen in love, is pregnant with another man’s baby. Rage spirals out of control in my veins. I have no right, but I want to beat the shit out of whoever thought he had the right to touch what’s mine. Even though she’s not mine. Because I’m an idiot.
“Not yet. I’m so scared.”
That gets my attention off my own pity party. My voice, I know, is dangerously low. “Why would you be scared?”
“Because I don’t know anything about being a mother!” she cries. “And I’m not with him. I have no idea how this happened.”
I’m not about to ask details on that so instead, I do my best to calm her down. “Addy, I’ll be here. You have nothing to worry about.”
“Beau… you don’t know…”
“Know what?”
“A few months ago, I was…” She sits up and pulls out of my arms. I want to tug her back to me immediately but I can tell she needs some space. She stands up, pacing around the small living room of my apartment. “Can you promise me you’ll listen without interrupting or getting angry?”
“No.”
“Fair.” She wipes the tears from her cheeks and pushes her shoulders back. “A few months ago, I was really drunk. I was so pissed because I’d just found out that Mom’s cancer was stage four, you know? And I just… didn’t handle it well.” She holds up a hand to stop me from saying anything. I’ve lectured her more times than I can count about being safe while drinking. It’s without a doubt my biggest fear, that she’ll be taken advantage of while in a compromised state. And if she thinks I’m not going to freak out hearing that she got pregnant while drunk, she’s crazy. But now’s not the time. I understand her reasoning, even if it makes me crazy. “I know. I know. It’s so cliché and dumb but that’s what I was. Drunk. It wasn’t that, though. I wasn’t taken advantage of. If anything, it was me taking advantage of him. I was just… so stupid. So sad. I wasn’t thinking and knew he’d be there for me.”
I stand also, moving in front of her and gently gripping her shoulders. “Addy, I’m freaking out right now and am trying to have patience but you need to get to the end of this story before I punch a hole in the wall.”
She takes a step back from me again. Not from fear, I know for sure. Shakes out her arms and looks me in the eye. “It’s Chris’s.” Addy blows out a breath as if saying the words is a relief.
I blink and blink again. There’s no way she can mean… “Chris’s? Chris’s what?”
“Baby.”
I’m struck stupid. “Chris… my little brother?” I shake my head because what I just heard cannot be true. “What are you talking about right now? What about Chris?”
“The baby, Beau. I slept with Chris one freaking time and now I’m having his baby!”
I sit down. Right on the floor because my knees buckle and I have no other choice than to crumble. I’ve known that Chris has had a crush on Addy since he was young but had no idea he’d go this far. To sleep with her while she was drunk.
Besides… “He took advantage of you when you were drunk and upset?”
She bites her bottom lip and cries harder shaking her head. “No. No. He didn’t. I told you it wasn’t that way and I wasn’t lying. I’m so sorry, Beau,” she says, defending him. For some reason, that only makes me even more angry. “I’m so so sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I was just… sad.”
She keeps saying how sad she was. Why wouldn’t she come to me? “Addy, this isn’t your fault. If anything, it’s Chris who’s at fault here. What the fuck? Did he not use a condom? And he knows better than to sleep with a drunk girl.”
“It wasn’t like that,” she says sadly.
“It doesn’t matter what it was like, Addy. He took advantage of you!” No matter what she says, she doesn’t realize the truth of the matter. Chris isn’t an idiot, though all evidence of recent events is proving otherwise, but he knew damn well what he was doing. I’m sure of it. “Addy, he’s practically been in love with you since he was fourteen and there’s no way he didn’t know what he was doing.”
Not going to Chris and wringing his neck right now takes an enormous amount of will power. I’m not sure if it’s because of the overwhelming jealousy I’m feeling right now or anger. Fuck me.
“Can you just listen to me?” she pleads and the look in her eyes has me pausing. Thinking about what’s more important right now. Addy. Take care of Addy.
“I’m trying. I’m also fucking pissed,” I admit. Holy shit. My Addy. The girl who’s been mine for practically my entire life is pregnant with another man’s baby. With my little brother’s baby. I don’t know how to handle this. Now it’s my turn to pace.
“I called him because I needed someone to talk to and he came over. We started drinking and one thing led to another. That’s all it was.”
She used to call me when she needed to talk to someone. I want to demand to know why it wasn’t me she called this time. I want to demand to know when she began to lean on my brother first. I want to demand that she says this is all a big joke and she’s not pregnant with my brother’s baby. That she didn’t sleep with him. I think I’m going to be sick. “That is not all it was, Addy. You’re pregnant! With my brother’s baby!” Try as I might, I can’t stop myself from acting like a jerk. She’s terrified, that much I’
m sure of, and I press a hand to my chest because it feels like my heart is going to explode. Why didn’t I know I was completely in love with her until this moment? Fuck me but I’m an idiot. And now I’m too late.
Christopher was eager to make them an official family. I never knew why that didn’t happen, especially since I know he bought her a ring and had planned to propose. Either he never did, or she turned him down. A sick part of me has always held out hope it was the latter because Addy held some feelings deeper than friendship for me. I’ve never had the nerve to ask either of them.
Despite how much I’ve wanted to, Addy and I have never crossed that friendship line. I respected Chris too much and I would never, ever want to confuse Zoey. Never mind the fact that I’ve never told her how I truly feel nor has she even hinted that what her mom once told me held any truth.
And now none of it matters. Because my brother, the man I’ve watched grow up and who I’ve loved every single day of his life, even when I was angry with him, is gone. The man I considered as much friend as family. In the blink of an eye, he’s gone and I’ll never get to hear his laughter or jokes again. Never get to hang out and play cards while having a beer. My niece’s father is gone. The man Addy raised her child with…
His smiling face greets me from the candid photos scattered throughout. Some where he’s looking at the camera and others where he’s smiling at his daughter. He was an amazing father. All in from the beginning, and it had nothing to do with his feelings for Addy. He loved his little girl from the second he knew she was brought into existence. Went to every doctors’ appointment and readied his house so she’d have a place to sleep when she was with him. Chris had a way about him that put people at ease, which is probably what made him a great vice principal for the high school.
The Path To Us: A Single Parent Romance Page 4
