The Palace Guard were (and are) little more than tough men in armour whose job was (and is) to safeguard the life of whoever pays their wages. The Watches were gate guards, kickers of drunks, pursuers of common thieves, traffic controllers, market superintendents and in general the doers of all the tedious jobs of day-to-day city housekeeping.
Taken together they made quite an important body, but the elevation of the THIEVES’ GUILD by Lord VETINARI was the final blow to an institution that was already ceasing to have any real function in the city owing to the growth of the Guilds.
For Ankh-Morpork is, in its way, a very democratic place. As it changed from medieval city to the semi-industrialised, multi-species society it is today, there were natural growing pains resulting in a breakdown of law and order and increasing friction between many more-or-less honest citizens and the Watch. This came to a head one day when a Commander of the Watch, faced with a large and angry meeting which was complaining that, what with all this theft and murder and robbery, no one was making as much money as they ought to, warned the throng ‘notte to take the law into their owne handes’.
Legend says that the crowd worked this out silently for a minute or two and then, as one man or woman, rose up and threw the Commander into the river, with a chant of ‘If it’s not in our hands, whose hands is it in?’ After that, the existing Guilds began to police themselves and the Watch became increasingly irrelevant. Lord Vetinari’s decision to put crime itself under Guild control knocked away the last support.
The Hubward Gate, Ankh-Morpork
In a city which runs on power politics, one man’s view of morality and a legal system that is made up on the fly out of pragmatic decisions pasted together with spit, there was no room for people who go around asking awkward questions and arresting people for no more reason than that they were guilty of something. So the city prospered while the Watches dwindled away, like a useless appendix, into a handful of unemployables who no one in their right mind could ever take seriously.
The last thing anyone wanted them to do was to get it into their heads to fight crime, and there is some evidence that Lord Vetinari took pains to ensure that the Watch consisted of sad drunks, incompetents and petty criminals too unreliable even to find employment in a Guild.
In the case of the Day Watch (as the old Day Ward has become known) this policy seemed to work extremely well, to the extent that they were pretty much like any other city gang. The Night Watch, such as it was, was too incompetent even to manage criminality. Much of this changed when it was joined by CARROT, who triggered a certain phenomenon: when you throw men down hard enough, they bounce.
By a kind of holy stupidity – they believed that, since they were being paid a handful of dollars per month by the city, they therefore had some kind of duty towards it – the Night Watch saved the city from a serious dragon attack.
The effect on their own morale was astonishing, and Vetinari was subsequently unable to prevent the Watch from taking on fresh recruits. His insistence that the recruits consist of representatives of ethnic minorities was probably – considering the kind of ethnic minorities Ankh-Morpork boasts, such as dwarfs and trolls and undead – another attempt to keep it under control. However, fused into something approaching an efficient police force by the suspiciously king-like charisma of CARROT and the cynicism of the then Captain VIMES, they played a prominent role in an attempt upon the life of the PATRICIAN (in thwarting it, that is).
Following the dragon incident, which resulted en passant in the destruction of the old Watch House in Treacle Mine Road, the Night Watch was given, by Lady RAMKIN, new premises in Pseudopolis Yard and this is now the official Watch headquarters. Treacle Mine Road is, however, now being reclaimed as another Section House to meet the growing needs of the city.
The Watch is now a modern, go-ahead police force consisting of some one hundred officers (there is a fast turnover, though, because officers with Watch training are frequently ‘poached’ by other cities.) There are Section Houses in Dolly Sisters, Long Wall and Chittling Street. Smaller stations, not permanently manned, are at most of the main city gates.
A River Patrol is sometimes referred to, and is known to have a small office and slipway beside the MENDED DRUM, but as far as is known its activities consist wholly of trying to dredge up its boat.
Watch policy (that is to say, Sam Vimes’s prejudice) is against undue specialisation. There is a small forensics and medical unit (Constable IGOR and Corporal LITTLEBOTTOM) at the Yard, and a recently formed Intelligence Department for the collation of all those snippets of information garnered on the street by the patrols. Occasional experts are temporarily drafted into a plain-clothes section, still known as the Cable Street Particulars, but Watch policy (see above) is also against too much reliance on plain-clothes activity. This may be forced to change as the new Watch becomes more involved in international matters, however, because Vimes occasionally takes on a diplomatic role.
Finally, there is the very recent Traffic Division, also based at the Yard, and masterminded, if that is the word by Sergeant COLON; it would appear a ruse to keep Colon and Nobbs out of the way.
The new Training School, now being established in the old lemonade factory off Knuckle Passage, is temporarily headed by Commander Vimes but the teaching staff is made up of serving officers. New recruits are encouraged to gain experience at all the stations, although in the case of Chitterling Street, which has the notorious Shades and the docks in its section, this may be far more experience than they bargained for. Chitterling Street is considered a very good posting for a young officer seeking promotion, possibly to a better life in the next world.
And now a note about vice. Ankh-Morpork has no Vice Squad, the Guild of Seamstresses having made it clear that they have enough already and don’t need any from the Watch. Watch policy is that the Guild is a co-operative enterprise, better run on behalf of its membership than most Guilds, and officers will not therefore become involved except by invitation or evidence of serious crime.
The day-to-day policing of the salons, houses of negotiable affection, hot bath lobs, parlours, spikies, molly houses and premises of extremely good repute that form the Shades’ most energetic trade is left to the Guild, and their enforcers Dotsie and Sadie, locally known as the AGONY AUNTS. They may be considered as highly-specialised constables, whose job is to protect Guild employees from the more enthusiastic customer, and are best left alone, especially Dotsie if you see her left eye start to spin.
THE WATCH OATH
‘I, (recruit’s name), do solemnly swear by [recruit’s deity of choice] to uphold the Laws and Ordinances of the city of Ankh-Morpork, serve the public trust, and defend the subjects of His/Her (delete whichever is inappropriate) Majesty (name of reigning monarch) without fear, favour, or thought of personal safety; to pursue evildoers and protect the innocent, laying down my life if necessary in the cause of said duty, so help me (aforesaid deity). Gods Save the King/Queen (delete whichever is inappropriate).’
Since Ankh-Morpork has not had a reigning monarch for centuries, recruits are advised to read the oath exactly as printed.
The new recruit will also be asked to take the King’s Shilling. The origins of this tradition are also lost in the smogs of time, but there is a shilling (five pence in new money) kept at the Watch headquarters for the purposes and recruits are requested to take it after uttering the oath and then to return it immediately so that it can be taken by the next officer. A chain is attached to it to ensure that it isn’t taken too far.
WATCH EQUIPMENT
One Shirt, Mail, Chain
One Helmet, Iron & Copper
One Breastplate, Iron
Breeches, Knee, Leather, Watchmen for the Use of
Cape, Rain, Leather, Watch Officers for the Use of
Sandals, Leather, Watch Officers for the Use of (Summer)
Boots, Leather, Watch Officers for the Use of (Winter)
One Sword, Short, or
(One Axe
, Battle, Dwarf Officers for the Use of, only)
(One Club, Troll Officers for the use of, only)
(One adapted paper-knife, gnome officers for the use of, only)
One Truncheon, Oak
One Emergency Pike or Halberd
One Crossbow, or
(One Crossbow, Siege, formerly Carriage-Mounted, Triple Stringed 2000 lb, with Windlass, Double-Action, Troll Officers for the Use of, only)
One Hourglass
One Bell, Hand, Brass & Wood
One sewing kit (zombie officers only)
One pot ceramic cement (golem officers only)
One Badge, Office of, Night Watchman’s, Copper
Specialist equipment, issued as standard to officers on patrol from Chitterling Street and the River Gate sub-station and as required by other officers with business in the Shades area:
One blanket, wool, blue, 18"x18" (bogeymen, for the existential confusion of)
One religious symbol of Watchman’s choice (vampires, for the discouragement of)
One discourse of pure reason (vampires, for the discouragement of)
THE BADGE OF THE CITY WATCH – A HISTORY
The Ankh-Morpork City Watch was founded, in 1561, by King Veltrick I. It was originally established to look impressive during a state visit by the then Empress of Sto and they were kitted out with full infantry armour including a burnished copper helmet and a copper shield embossed with the legend ‘Royal Ankhe-Morepork Citie Watch’, the Royal coat of arms and the motto of the Veltrick family – ‘Make the Day, the Moments Pass Quickly’ – FABRICATI DIEM, PUNCTI AGUNT CELERITER.
Veltrick I was murdered by his son, with the assistance of the Empress of Sto, four days after founding the Watch. Veltrick II did not share his father’s interest in having a smart police force, and the Watch was largely forgotten. Over the years that followed, much of this original equipment was lost – sometimes damaged during a dangerous arrest, sometimes used to weigh down an officer whose body was being consigned to the Ankh to keep him quiet, sometimes sold off to pay for more pressing needs, such as food or warm clothing.
When Veltrick III took the throne in 1572, he was approached by the city’s merchants and agreed to make a modest allowance for the continued running of the City Watch. It was he who commissioned the striking of the first Watch badge, a plain disc or shield of copper (representing the shield which they had originally carried). This disc was stamped with AMCW (for ‘Ankh-Morpork City Watch’) and the officer’s number. These badges were commonly in use by the City Night Watch until recently, although only a handful have survived the intervening years. Vimes certainly clings to his.
After the Watch was instrumental in saving the city from domination by a sixty-foot fire-breathing dragon, the Patrician commissioned a new badge to reflect the increased importance of the Watch to the city, and to allow its numbers to be expanded. Duke Vimes continues to hold his original Watch badge, which is now the only known example outside the Patrician’s personal museum in the Palace.
Last year, in recognition of the much enlarged Watch, the badge was further redesigned as the first stage of the creation of a new corporate identity for the Ankh-Morpork City Watch. This is likely now to include the introduction of new uniforms, warrants and equipment and has been achieved after discussions between Lord VETINARI and Captain CARROT Ironfoundersson. The new badge also incorporates the new Watch motto: ‘The Streets Are Always Safe for Honest Folk’ – VIAE SUNT SEMPER TUTUS PRO HOMINIBUS PROBIS.
Watchtower, Brother. A member of the Elucidated Brethren of the Ebon Night. A bulky man. [GG]
Weasel, The. A small, cunning and brown-clad swordsman. He and Bravd the Hublander encountered Rincewind and Twoflower, robbing Twoflower of his watch. [COM]
Weatherwax family. Magical aptitude appears to be genetic, and the Weatherwax family (found around the RAMTOPS, particularly in LANCRE) has provided at least two witches of extreme power and one Archchancellor of Unseen University. Unlike the Oggs (a family which traditionally throws up witches but has no recorded wizards) the Weatherwaxes are not gregarious, even amongst themselves.
Weatherwax, Alison. A Weatherwax of whom little is known but who should be included out of completeness and because of the mystery attached to the name.
The registering of births and deaths is not legally compulsory in LANCRE but is invariably done out of social pressure. Even the deaths of former residents a long way off are generally recorded whenever the news turns up, for completeness. It is certain that the birth of an Alison Weatherwax was recorded some 125 years before the present, and equally certain that no death has ever been recorded. This makes it just possible that Granny Weatherwax’s own grandmother is still alive, somewhere.
Weatherwax, Esmerelda (‘Granny Weatherwax’). Known to all, and not least herself, as the most competent witch on the Discworld.
Granny Weatherwax is the daughter of Violet Weatherwax, and was initially trained in witchcraft by Nanny Gripes, and subsequently other witches who taught her all they knew, after which she taught herself and was a remarkably apt pupil. Witches rarely acknowledge anything as definite or binding as a law but it is generally accepted that, although witch skills tend to run in families, a witch should be trained by someone who is not a relative and witchcraft certainly should not be passed from mother to daughter.
She is nominally the village witch of BAD ASS in the kingdom of LANCRE, although for practical purposes she regards the whole kingdom – and, indeed, anywhere else she happens to be – as her rightful domain. She lives in the woods outside the village in a traditional, much-repaired witch’s cottage, with beehives and a patch of what might be medicinal plants called the Herbs (the patch is very thick, tends to move when there is no wind, and passers-by swear that the small flowers it occasionally produces turn to watch them). (See also GRANNY’S COTTAGE.)
She owns a broomstick, originally borrowed by an urban witch called Hilta GOATFOUNDER but technically not the same one because it has been entirely replaced over the years by spare parts. Despite the best efforts of dwarf engineers everywhere, it cannot be started without a considerable amount of running up and down with it in gear.
Granny Weatherwax’s personal history is obscure, a fact which clearly suits her. It is known that she remained at home when her elder sister, Lily, left Lancre in dubious circumstances, and there is some suggestion of cruelty in the family. She nursed her mother until she died.
Beyond that, the picture is of a formidable character with every necessary attribute for the classical ‘bad witch’ – a quick temper, a competitive, selfish and ambitious nature, a sharp tongue, an unshakeable conviction of her own moral probity, and some considerable mental and occult powers including a piercing blue cut-you-off-at-the-knees gaze. But, in fact, Granny Weatherwax’s practical history puts her on the ‘good’ side of the ledger, in the same way that a cold shower and brisk run are good – they might sting a bit at the time but you’ll feel all the better for it later.
She now owns a kitten, given to her by Tiffany Aching, and called, by her, ‘You’.
Weatherwax, Galder. Supreme Grand Conjurer of the Order of the Silver Star, Lord Imperial of the Sacred Staff, Eighth-Level Ipsissimus and 304th ARCHCHANCELLOR of Unseen University. An elderly, powerful and impressive-looking man, even dressed as we first saw him in a red nightshirt with hand-embroidered mystic runes (from which bony legs protrude), long cap with a bobble, Wee Willie Winkie candlestick and fluffy pom-pom slippers. He smoked a pipe the size of a small incinerator and was a distant relative of Esme Weatherwax – a cousin, it is believed. [LF]
Weatherwax, Lily. Elder sister of Esmerelda ‘Granny’ Weatherwax.
A fairy godmother. She was banished from the family home by her mother when she was just thirteen, after which she has had a speckled and profitable career as a witch and lady of fortune. Discworld society, while not formally offering much in the way of opportunity and careers to women, is all the more accessible to a woman of keen intelli
gence and flexible morality. Three husbands were acquired in the course of her progress; she has buried all three, and at least two of them were already dead.
Give or take the odd laughter-line and wrinkle, she is Granny Weatherwax to the life, although she looks younger than her younger sister. Moralists would say that this is because sin is easier than virtue, but moralists always say this sort of thing and some sin is quite difficult and requires specialised equipment.
She ran the city kingdom of GENUA with a sugary kind of cruelty, and she was an expert at mirror magic, so that she could observe the world through anything that can hold a reflection. This, in a contest with her sister, turned out to be her undoing – Lily had become so good at thinking of the world in terms of reflections that she had lost sight of the real one. She is still referred to in the present tense because, if she has in fact died, there has certainly been no body found.
While (see MAGIC) there is no Discworld concept of ‘black’ magic, the use of magic to steer the lives of other people for your own benefit is regarded in the same way (certainly it is by Granny Weatherwax, except of course on those occasions when it is she who is doing it). Lily is probably a good example of a Discworld ‘wicked witch’ – the criterion here being less what it is that you do and far more what you had in mind when you did it. [WA]
Weavall, Mr. A bald, short-sighted, ninety-one-year-old man, who Tiffany Aching used to visit with Miss LEVEL. His wife Nancy and children, Toby and Mary, are all dead. He comes into a large sum of money and marries the Widow Tussy. [HFOS]
Weaver. A thatcher in Lancre. Married to Eva. He is a member of the Lancre Morris Men. [LL]
Weezen. A hunter from Slice, who once shot a hare in the leg when Granny Weatherwax was ‘borrowing’ it. [LL]
Wen. Wen the Eternally Surprised. He founded the order of HISTORY Monks, wrote the Books of History to tell how the story should go and sawed the first Procrastinator from the trunk of a wamwam tree. He was bald as a coot and looked like a young man who had been young for a very long time. He never raised a hand to any man in his life, although he is traditionally held to be the inventor of Déjà Fu, a hands-free fighting technique. Wen fell in love with and married TIME (in her incarnation as a beautiful if somewhat sad woman) and was/is the father of Lobsang LUDD and Jeremy CLOCKSON. [TOT]
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