by Lisa Heidke
Alex sat down next to Sophie and put his arm around her. ‘Yeah. I missed Soph and I missed my little guy and I wondered what the hell I was doing stuck in an office in the middle of winter, going home to a cold lonely house when I could be drinking ouzo with you guys and swimming with my son in the Mediterranean. So I packed up and came over.’
‘Just like that?’
‘Yep,’ said Alex, snapping his fingers.
‘Pity you arrived on our second last day,’ Sophie reminded him.
Alex looked down and kissed her head. ‘So, Claud,’ he said, ‘what do you think of Sophie heading off to do a design course and working with Tara’s mate to become an interior designer?’
‘Great,’ I said, pleased at his enthusiasm.
‘Great? It’s bloody fantastic,’ boomed Alex. ‘I’ve always thought Soph should do something like that. You’ve got the gift, babe.’
Personally, I’d always hated the word ‘babe’, but when Alex said it, it sounded incredibly sexy and he only ever used it when talking to Sophie.
Sophie looked at him and shook her head. ‘I think you’re getting a little ahead of yourself there. But you don’t think I’m abandoning Levi, do you?’
‘Honey, Leev should be going to preschool more days than he does. He loves being with friends, and if this new venture makes you happy, then we’re all going to be happy. That’s all I want.’ Alex kissed her again, then got up and walked into the bathroom.
‘“If this new venture makes you happy . . .”’ Sophie mimicked.
‘What’s up?’ I said.
‘New venture, argh. He makes it sound so easy when he talks about happiness.’
‘And?’
‘It’s not that easy. You can’t just snap your fingers and be instantly happy.’
‘You can if you try.’
‘Really? You try it!’ Sophie glared at me and then towards the flushing sound coming from inside the bathroom. ‘Anyway, you’re not one to give advice on this.’
‘I’m not giving advice, I’m talking to you.’
‘Yeah, well, you’re annoying me.’
‘Sophie, what’s the matter?’
She glanced towards the bathroom again. ‘I don’t know.’
‘I’ll tell you what the matter is, Sophie. Nothing! You just like creating dramas for yourself.’ I was trying to control myself but I’d just about had enough. After all, Sophie had a loyal husband who’d flown halfway across the world to spend time with her, she had a healthy, happy son, plus she was rich and gorgeous and was about to embark on a new and glamorous career.
‘That’s rich coming from you,’ Sophie snapped. ‘You jump from one disaster to the next. You’d think after the wake-up call you got the other day, you’d grow up.’
‘I have.’
‘How? By sticking your head further into the sand and announcing to the world that you’re taking a vow of celibacy. Please!’
‘Would you rather I pour salt on my lunch or tip water on my dinner to stop myself from eating?’
‘Stop it.’ Sophie slapped the dining table. ‘You’re being a complete bitch.’
It was as if she’d slapped me across the face. Sophie had only ever called me a bitch once before — during that fight at high school when I’d found her gobbling chocolates in her bedroom. It wasn’t something you called a friend in jest. In no way could it be regarded as a term of endearment, as in, ‘You’re a silly old bitch, let’s have coffee’, or ‘You look great in those shoes, you crazy, wacky bitch!’.
Was I a bitch? Was I such a bad friend? Granted, I might have neglected our friendship a little over the past year or two but I still loved Sophie and had her best interests at heart — which is why I thought I could tell her some uncomfortable truths.
It took me a moment or two to regain my composure but I did.
‘Maybe, but at least I don’t blame everyone else for my unhappiness. You’re responsible for your own happiness, Sophie. Don’t you get that? I’ve had enough.’
‘You’ve had enough? For years I’ve put up with you! You’re hopeless around men, money and moderation of any kind.’
‘Then why are you friends with me?’
‘I’m asking myself the same question. You don’t even like kids. Why the fuck did I ever let you be Levi’s godmother?’
‘That’s not fair, Sophie. I love Levi —’ This was starting to get out of control.
‘You? You’re not capable.’
‘Don’t you dare say that. I love Leev with all my heart. What about you?’
‘I adore Levi. I just hated being a mother. Being different to you and Tara. Being married. I hated it.’
‘What’s going on?’ It was Alex. ‘What do you mean you hate being married?’
‘I did hate it, Alex. I don’t any more,’ said Sophie, bursting into tears.
‘I don’t understand —’ Alex started.
‘No, you wouldn’t,’ said Sophie. ‘We never talk about it, do we?’
‘Sophie, please don’t,’ Alex pleaded.
‘Don’t what? Don’t talk about the fact that sometimes I find myself so repulsive I have to put my head underwater until the feeling goes? Or don’t talk about the fact that up until Levi was a year old I wished he’d drown in the bath?’
‘Sophie!’ Alex cried. ‘Stop!’
I turned around. Thank God Levi was outside with Harry and hadn’t heard a word.
Sophie was crying. ‘I love Levi with all my heart. I really do. I would never hurt him. He’s my life.’
‘Then what the hell is going on?’ Alex demanded. ‘You’re scaring me. You’re supposed to be on holiday having the time of your life and instead you’re a mess.’
‘Yes, I’m a mess.’
‘I don’t mean it like that. What can I do to help you?’
‘No one needs me, Alex. No one has ever needed me. I just fit in with everyone else’s life. Yours. Levi’s.’ She took a breath. ‘I could die tomorrow and no one would care. After a couple of days, you’d all get on with your lives because nobody needs me around.’ Sophie collapsed on the sofa and sobbed just as Levi ran in and jumped on her lap. ‘Please don’t die, Mummy. I lub you.’
I was in tears but didn’t dare look around the room. Alex hurried over and wrapped his arms around Sophie and Levi. ‘Mummy’s not going to die, darling. She’s just very sad because she thinks we don’t love her and need her. But she’s wrong.’ With his hand, Alex lifted Sophie’s chin so that he could look at her. ‘I need you so much, Soph. Why do you think I’m here with you now?’
Levi was squirming between them, not knowing what was going on.
He kissed her forehead lightly. ‘Aren’t you excited about this interior design course? I am.’
‘Really? It’s a world away from corporate life.’
‘Who says you have to stick with the same career forever? The only reason I haven’t suggested you go back to work or do a course is because I thought you were happy at home with Levi.’
‘I am but —’
‘— but you need more, I get it. I’ve always admired the fact that you can be with our little guy twenty-four hours, seven days a week.’ He dropped his voice slightly. ‘It would drive me insane.’
Sophie said quietly, ‘I’m scared I’m heading in that direction.’
‘You’re not. But we do need to check in with each other more. Maybe my hours have gotten a bit crazy over the past twelve months.’
‘Try two years.’
‘Okay, work’s been out of control for a while. I’ll look at that, but we also need some objective advice.’
‘A counsellor?’
‘For both of us. We could go back to the woman we were seeing after Levi was born.’
‘I liked her.’
‘I know you did. We only stopped going because I got so busy with work. But Sophie, I’m with you for the long haul, forever.’
‘I’m sorry —’
‘Please don’t be sorry,’ he said, pulling her i
nto a bear hug.
‘I’m thinking about going on antidepressants again, too.’
Alex looked alarmed.
‘They helped me last time. I only stopped taking them because I didn’t want to seem weak.’
‘You’ve never been weak, darling.’
‘Maybe, but sometimes it’s like I’m in this black hole and I can’t claw my way out, no matter how hard I try. I feel like you and I have nothing to talk about except Levi. Meanwhile, Claudia and Tara are living these amazing lives. I get so sad. I want to go to bed and never get up again.’
Clearly, she was talking about a different Claudia, one who wasn’t a bitch and who had a great job, money, her own apartment, was slim, perky and owned an amazing designer wardrobe. Oh, and had bouncy, shiny hair like the women in the Pantene commercials.
‘Sophie —’ Alex said.
‘I know it sounds irrational but that’s how I feel.’
‘It’s not irrational. We’re going to get through this. I had no idea you felt this way. I thought it was about dirty laundry.’
Sophie managed a half-smile — at last. ‘Well, there is that as well.’
‘Babe, you know all the long hours I’ve been putting in at work are only for you and Levi. So that I can give you everything you want.’ He kissed her lips. ‘The house is empty without you. I can’t bear it.’ Were those tears in Alex’s eyes?
I looked around the room and suddenly realised I was the only onlooker. OMG! Talk about being the rudest, most inconsiderate person in the world.
Shielding my face from their view, I sprinted outside as quickly as my nimble legs would carry me. I cursed under my breath as I hurtled onto the patio.
‘Thanks for joining us,’ Tara said.
‘Bloody hell. I thought you guys were inside as well.’
‘Us? God, no.’
Neither Tara, Angie nor I dared to go inside, and Sophie and Alex didn’t venture outside. The only ones who didn’t care where they wandered were Levi and Harry. Within minutes, Levi seemed to have recovered from the episode. He’d probably need therapy in later life, but for now he seemed fine. Personally, I found it all rather traumatic. Holidays were hard work.
When Sophie finally did come outside, she sat down and apologised. Tara and Angie quickly excused themselves again.
‘I don’t know what you’re apologising for,’ I said. ‘I was the one who called you —’
Sophie put her hand up. ‘I called you a bitch. I win.’
I hugged her tight. ‘Water off a duck’s back. I can be a bitch. Thanks for setting me straight.’
She looked like she might burst into tears again.
‘Soph, it’s okay. Now tell me, do you really feel like you’re trying to claw your way out of a dark hole?’
She sniffed. ‘Most days, yes.’
‘I had no idea.’
‘Why would you? I haven’t seen you much in the past year.’
‘Sophie, I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you.’
‘Hey, I haven’t been around for you either. If I’d spent more time with you, I’d have sniffed out the situation with Marcus and it never would have come to this.’
‘On the flipside, we’d never have had this holiday.’
‘True.’ Sophie took a breath. ‘You know, I think I’m probably jealous of you and I used Levi to push you away. Ever since he was born, I’ve wanted things done my way or not at all. I’ve resented Alex for so long, pushed him away, too. Even at my lowest, I refused his help, wanted to do it all on my own. He thought he was being a nuisance at home. He didn’t seem to notice that I was drowning.’
‘I think we all —’ I started to say as Alex walked out to join us.
‘I noticed,’ said Alex. ‘I just didn’t know what to do.’
‘But, Alex, you didn’t notice my hair, my clothes. I once wore the same tracksuit for eight days and went for seven of them without washing my hair. You didn’t say anything.’
‘So it was a test, Soph?’ said Alex, visibly stunned. ‘And my pass or fail was based on whether or not I noticed your hair was clean?’
Sophie shook her head as the tears started falling again.
‘Harry is my best friend eber,’ said Levi as he and Harry galloped past us on their way to the bathroom, neighing and pretending to be horses.
‘Levi’s a great kid,’ I said. ‘And you’ve seen how much fun he’s had with Harry this holiday. Soph, if Alex or someone else does something differently than you when they’re looking after Levi, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong, it’s just different.’
Sophie nodded. ‘I know. I’m just used to controlling things. I have to learn to let go. Claud, I’m sorry that I said you couldn’t love Levi. I know you do and I’m glad you’re his godmother. Thank you.’
Just then, Tara and Angie walked outside, each holding an antipasto platter. It was time to sit back and admire the Santorini sunset one last time. Alex trotted back inside for wine and glasses and soon we were enjoying the peace and tranquility of the burnt orange sun as it dipped to the horizon. The scene felt strangely calm and serene. Or maybe all of us were just completely and utterly shattered.
29
With all of the early evening’s drama, I’d forgotten about Jack and had hoped he’d forgotten about me as well. But no such luck.
‘Hope I’m not interrupting,’ came an annoying voice from behind a massive bunch of flowers. Of course, he was interrupting. This was a party. A party to which Jack Harper had not been invited.
‘Come in, Jack,’ Tara invited. ‘Are those for me? How sweet.’ Laughing, she relieved him of his gift without waiting for a reply. He also handed over a couple of bottles of champagne. Expensive. French. ‘Very nice. Thanks, Jack.’ She skipped away with the champagne and flowers, but not before nudging me and saying, ‘Have you thought about what I said earlier?’
I made a face but said nothing.
‘Jack, this is my husband, Alex,’ said Sophie agreeably. ‘Alex, Jack.’
What short memories Tara and Sophie had. This was the man who’d ruined my holiday. Detained me against my will and destroyed my good name.
The two men shook hands and exchanged pleasantries. I continued sitting silently, sipping my wine and staring towards the sunset. But I couldn’t concentrate because there were too many sets of eyes drilling into my head.
‘Claudia, could I have a moment?’ Jack asked.
I glanced over at him. ‘I guess so,’ I replied in a bored voice. I stood up and put my wine down on the table.
‘Inside?’ he pointed. Reluctantly, I followed.
Tara came skipping out just as we were walking inside. ‘Drink this,’ she said to Jack, handing him a Corona.
‘Don’t you know anyone else on this island you can torment?’ I asked him after we’d taken a seat on the sofa in the living room.
‘No one I care to torment as much as you, Claudia. I am sorry, you know.’
‘You said that already.’
‘But I really am. I mean it.’
‘I know, Jack. So what do you want from me?’
‘I want you — I want us to get to know each other better and to —’
‘We’re different people. It just won’t work.’
‘Why?’
‘Because it never does,’ I answered truthfully. There was no way I was going to pay attention to Tara’s advice. I liked Jack and I couldn’t deny the physical attraction between us, but I needed to be able to trust the man I was with and Jack had betrayed my trust. I just wasn’t prepared to put myself in a vulnerable position again.
‘I can learn to love karaoke,’ he joked.
‘Look, Jack, I think you should leave.’
‘No. I haven’t had a fair chance at explaining myself. Besides, Tara’s given me a beer. Why don’t I stay for one drink, and if after that you still find me repulsive, I’ll go.’
‘Promise?’
‘You have my word.’
Like that was worth anything. ‘Fair e
nough, but don’t expect me to talk to you.’
‘Wouldn’t dream of it, Claud.’
‘And don’t call me Claud!’
‘I am truly sorry for letting things get out of hand with us and for thinking you were involved in Marcus’s scam.’
I nodded and walked back outside.
‘Jack is staying for one drink,’ I announced to the group. ‘And then he is leaving.’
We resumed our positions. Tara opened the champagne that Jack had brought and we watched the Santorini sky change colours over the sparkling Mediterranean.
‘So, Jack, I hear you’re a bounty hunter,’ Alex said as he poured Jack a glass of champagne after he’d drained his beer in less than four minutes.
‘I don’t know if bounty hunter is quite right. Most of the time I’m an ordinary private investigator.’
‘It must be fascinating,’ said Tara, engaging him in yet another conversation. ‘Travelling all over the world to exotic places.’
‘Honestly, Tara, this is a first,’ Jack said, doing his best to charm the crowd. ‘Most of the time it’s just your run-of-the-mill investigative work. Cheating spouses, insurance fraud and dodgy companies.’
‘Beats working in an office, I’ll bet,’ said Sophie.
‘Yeah, it’s got that going for it. I love it actually. There’s always something new going on, and some of the cases I’ve worked on have been fascinating, but Greece has been the best . . . and the worst.’
I refused to acknowledge him or say another word. When he caught my eye, he raised his glass and winked. I wrinkled my nose.
It was then that Tara and Angie walked out carrying the main course — moussaka, olive bread, salads and souvlakia. A further invitation for Jack to stay if ever there was one.
‘I should leave you guys to it,’ Jack said, making a feeble attempt to rise out of the wicker chair he was sitting in.
‘No. Stay,’ Tara insisted. ‘We’ve got more than enough food.’
‘I really should be going,’ he said again.
That’s right. Get up out of your chair, big boy. Say your goodbyes and get the hell out of my life.
‘You must stay for dinner, Jack,’ Tara said. ‘Hey, Claud?’
‘If he has to go, he has to go,’ I said.
