“But if you need anything—”
“If I need anything, I can buzz for the nurse. I’m not completely helpless.”
The silence that hung between them was painful.
Finally, she cleared her throat and got up. “Okay, I guess I could go and take Ashley and Gordon. They need to get acclimated, anyway.”
“Take my mother, too.”
“She won’t want to come. When she hears I’m leaving, she’ll insist on staying with you.”
Just what he needed. “Find a way to make her go.”
“I’ll do my best.” She came back to his bed and slid her soft hand across his arm. “Honey, are you sure?”
He met her eyes then, and he hated that he was hurting her. “I’ll be all right by the time you get back. I promise. I just need some time to get my head straight.”
“You want me to leave your Bible by the bed?”
He couldn’t imagine wanting to read it, not until he said what he needed to say to God. “Yeah, leave it there.” He looked at the clock. “You should go, or you’ll be late.”
She looked as if he were asking her to walk into enemy fire. “Yeah, I guess so.”
“Do me a favor, and put out the ‘no visitors’ sign.”
She hesitated again and looked at him with worried eyes. “If you need me, call Susan or Allie’s cell phone. I’ve got to get another one, one of these days.”
“I’ll be all right,” he said.
He was certain she was crying as she left the room, but he couldn’t make himself call her back.
Chapter Sixty-Four
Aill dreaded telling Clara that she was leaving Dan to go to church. She would explode with allegations of neglect and insist on making up for Jill’s failures.
Clara had gone home for a little while this afternoon but had intended to come back tonight. Jill couldn’t let that happen before Dan was ready.
She wiped the tears from her eyes and told herself that Dan’s mood wasn’t about her. Being a paraplegic in ICU had been one thing, but now that he was in a regular hospital room, she knew he was dealing with the permanency of his condition.
She couldn’t take it personally. He just needed some time. Maybe he would pray and peace would fall over him. Prayer always centered and calmed her.
She went to the pay phone and called her home number. Clara answered it quickly. “Nichols residence.”
“Clara, I’m glad I caught you.”
“What is it, Jill?” she asked. “What’s happened?”
“Nothing. I just . . .” She paused and cleared her throat. “I was wondering if you would do Dan a favor before you come back to the hospital.”
“Of course. Anything.”
She hated lying, but she told herself it was for Dan. “He’s cold, and he needs another pair of sweatpants. He especially likes the fleece kind.” She didn’t even know if there was such a thing in sweatpants.
“Of course. I’ll go right now and buy several pairs. What size is he?”
“Large. Do you mind, Clara? Also, he could use some more wool socks.”
She knew there wouldn’t be a department store open in Newpointe on Sunday night. That should keep Clara busy at least until she got back.
“Of course. I’ll go right now.”
“Thank you.” She thought she was going to be sick. “Uh, could I speak to Ashley, please?”
“She’s locked in her room, no doubt painting blood drops on her mouth. I’ll get her.”
Jill waited. As she did, her eyes drifted to Dan’s hospital room. She saw a nurse go in, and she wondered what she would think about her leaving him alone. She would think she was a terrible wife. But again, it wasn’t about her. She had to give Dan what he needed.
“Hello?” Ashley’s voice was low, as if she didn’t want Clara to hear.
“Hey, Ashley. What are you doing?”
“Reading.”
She knew she was probably reading her mother’s journal. She wished she could cut herself down the middle and be there for both Dan and the girl. “Dan wants me to go to church tonight and thank our friends for their prayers. I’d like for you to come with me.”
“Church?” she asked. “I don’t know, Jill.”
“I was thinking of asking Gordon, too. I’m going to need help getting him to the car. We make a good team, you and me.”
There was a moment of silence, then, “Okay, I guess.”
“Great. Look, if you don’t mind, don’t tell Clara I’m coming home to get you. She wouldn’t understand.”
“Don’t worry. She just ran out of the house like she saw a roach or something.”
“She’s on a mission. I’ll be home in about forty-five minutes, okay? Be ready.”
She hung up the phone and looked at Dan’s room again. The nurse came back out and didn’t look as if anything was wrong. So Dan must be all right.
She called Gordon and made arrangements to pick him up.
Then she forced herself to do what Dan had asked her to do.
Chapter Sixty-Five
Ashley made no attempt to change her look for church. She met Jill at the door with her slicked-back, soot-black hair and black eyeliner a quarter of an inch thick, outlining her eyes. Her skin looked as if she’d applied a lighter powder, just to make herself look more pale. Her lips were colored black, and she’d polished her nails to match them.
She got into the car, chewing her gum as if it was a piece of taffy, and slumped down, like a child being forced to do something against her will. Jill began to wonder whether it was wise to take her.
But she knew that Ashley was still challenging her, waiting for her to react in anger and throw her out, maybe even wanting a reason to go back to her friends.
And Jill was not going to give her one.
Instead, she chattered about Dan’s move and all the friends who had come by the hospital today. Ashley answered in monosyllables. When they reached Gordon’s house, Jill looked over at her. “Why don’t you come to the door with me so we can help him out together?”
Ashley didn’t argue. She got out of the car and followed Jill up to his door.
Jill rang the bell and looked over at her. “He’s not going to recognize you.” She stroked her hair out of her eyes.
The girl didn’t recoil at her touch. She just chewed her gum harder.
The door opened. “Hello there.”
Gordon dropped a crutch and wobbled on the other one. Jill felt guilty for getting him up. She grabbed it and handed it back to him.
“Thank you, darlin’,” he said.
“How are you feeling?”
“Doing okay,” he said. “I’m hobbling around pretty good.” He looked at Ashley. “Who’s this young lady?”
“Ashley. You remember. She’s the one who helped me get you down that day.”
Gordon gave her another once-over. “You look different.”
Ashley crossed her arms in that defensive gesture she had. “I am different.”
Jill smiled. “She’s changed her look a little bit since that day.”
Gordon looked as if he didn’t quite know what to say. “Well, change is good now and then.” His face sobered. “I’m real sorry to hear about your mama, hon.”
Ashley was silent.
She walked on one side of him, helping to steady him as he hobbled to the car, and then she helped him get into the backseat and turn sideways, propping his casted leg.
As they drove to the church, Gordon chatted about all the people who had come from the church to bring him food. “I can’t believe it,” he said. “I’ve never had this kind of outpouring of love in my whole life. I don’t know what I was thinking all these years, refusing to go to church. If that’s the kind of people you have there, then I don’t mind going at all. I’m glad you asked me.”
Jill smiled. “How about you, Ashley? How long since you’ve been in church?”
She blew a bubble, popped it. “Couple of years. My mom used to take me all the tim
e.”
“Why’d you quit?” Jill asked.
Ashley shrugged again. “Outgrew it, I guess.”
Jill hoped she would find out soon that she couldn’t outgrow God.
The service was somber, following in the wake of five funerals that Nick had preached over the last two days. Nick looked beaten down, completely spent.
When he asked Jill to come to the front and say a few words about Dan’s condition, she couldn’t say no. She went to the pulpit and looked out on the weary, grim faces of the congregation.
“I want to thank you all for your prayers for Dan. So many of them have been answered. I feel such gratitude every day, that he was pulled out when by all rights he should be dead. And then you prayed for him while his life hung by a thread in the hospital. He could have died again, or stayed unconscious on the respirator. But God is gracious to answer our prayers, and he has a plan for my husband.”
She sighed and thought of the pain Dan was experiencing right now, lying there alone, wrestling with God. She chose her words carefully.
“Now Dan faces some other challenges. He’s dealing with paralysis, and we’re being told that he may never walk again.” Her voice broke off, and tears pushed to her eyes. “Please pray for him. He’s a proud man, Dan is, and this is not easy for him. And pray that I’ll know how to support him through it.”
She couldn’t go on, so Nick came to her aid, putting his arm around her. “Thank you, Jill. Know that we’re all constantly praying for both of you. And we want to welcome your guests, Ashley Morris and Gordon Webster. I know our members will make them feel as welcome as they are.”
Jill stepped down from the pulpit and went back to sit between them. Gordon reached for her hand, held it tight. Ashley kept her arms folded tightly across her chest.
“Many of you have asked what you can do for the families of the grieving,” he said. “And now there is something. We’ve decided to hold a rummage sale next weekend, to raise money to help the grieving families of the Icon disaster, particularly those from Newpointe. If you have anything you can donate, please contact Aunt Aggie, who’ll be heading the whole thing up.”
Aunt Aggie sprang to her feet and waved around at the congregation. “We be taking donations too, sha. Shame on you if you don’t help!”
Jill smiled, knowing that if Aunt Aggie had anything to do with it, it was going to be a raging success.
After the service, church members rallied around Gordon, treating him like a hero because he had survived the explosion. They surrounded Jill too, wanting more news of Dan and his progress.
But as she updated someone for the tenth time that night, she looked across the room and saw Ashley sitting in a corner, chewing her gum with a vengeance, her arms and legs crossed as if warding off any evil that might come her way.
The youth seemed afraid of her; the adults seemed disgusted.
So she sat alone, watching as Gordon became the man of the hour.
As soon as Jill could break free, she went to sit down next to her. “Why are you over here all alone?”
Ashley blew a bubble. “Where else would I be?”
“With me. I could introduce you to people. You might get to know some of the kids and want to come back to Sunday school.”
Ashley shot her a look. “I don’t do Sunday school.”
She wanted to tell her that she had to do it if she lived in her home, but then she looked around and realized that she wouldn’t want to come either, if she were ignored like this.
She almost couldn’t fault the reaction of her church friends. Ashley hadn’t exactly made herself look approachable. Yet the Bible had clear instructions about not showing partiality. She knew that God saw the true Ashley and had his arms open wide for her. But these people couldn’t see past her carefully constructed image.
Maybe that was the point of it—to keep everyone at arm’s length while she climbed into her cocoon of grief.
Her heart broke for the girl, and she vowed not to be pushed away, no matter how unlovable the girl pretended to be.
Chapter Sixty-Six
Dan hated his tears. He hated that he was alone, and he hated even more that Jill would come back, not leave his side, and watch him regress from a man into a helpless child.
“So what was it all for, Lord?” he said through tight lips, staring up at the ceiling tiles, as if the Lord sat just behind them. “All those years of pumping iron and pushing my body to be in the best physical condition it could be? I thought you blessed that. I thought you took pleasure in my self-discipline.”
He grabbed his covers and flung them back, revealing his useless legs. “And now you’ve left my body half-dead, and the legs that used to be so strong, that still have the muscle I built up in them, that still have all the tissue and the blood, and the strong bones . . . everything they need . . . why won’t you heal them? Why won’t you let me move my toes? Just my toes for now. That would make all the difference. Then I’d know that there’s hope.”
He looked down at his feet and willed his toes to move. Grinding his teeth, he felt the strain in his face and his neck, his fingernails cutting into the palms of his hands.
But his toes remained still.
Finally, he let out his breath and wilted wearily back on his pillow. Putting his hand over his eyes, he whispered, “I don’t know how to be this way, Lord. You didn’t prepare me. You didn’t give me any warning.”
He twisted his face and let the tears flow, wiping them from his cheeks as fast as they came. “Please, Lord, let me walk again.”
A knock sounded on the door, and he grabbed his sheet and covered himself again, and quickly wiped his face with the edge of the sheet. Hadn’t Jill put the “no visitors” sign out? Could people not read?
The door came open, and his mother stepped inside. “Danny? I didn’t hear you say come in. I thought you might be sleeping.”
He looked at her with dull eyes. “Yeah, I was sleeping.”
“Where’s Jill?”
He drew in a deep breath and wiped his face again. It was still wet. He could see from the look on her face that she hadn’t missed the tears.
“I made her go to church. I wanted her to thank the people for their prayers.”
Clara came further inside. She was carrying two shopping bags. “You mean to tell me that she left you here alone?”
“I told her to, Mother. I wanted her to go.”
“Well, that’s crazy. You can’t be left alone. For heaven’s sake, you can’t even walk. What if you needed something? What if there was an emergency?”
“I have a buzzer. I can call the nurse.”
Clara set the bags down and came to his side, straightened his blanket. “Well, I’m certainly glad I came when I did. Just in the nick of time, I see. Anything could happen. I thought Jill was more responsible than that.”
“She is responsible, Mother. She was just doing what I asked.” He sighed. “Truth is, I wanted to be alone for a little while.”
He hoped that would clue her in.
“Well, that doesn’t even make sense. You were alone for days in that ICU.” Her voice softened as she looked into his face. He wondered if his eyes were red. He didn’t have that much experience with tears. He didn’t suppose they became him.
Thankfully, she didn’t mention them. Instead, she grabbed the bags. “I brought you some things,” she said. “Jill asked me to find you some fleece sweatpants. Well, you would think that would be easy to find, but for heaven’s sake, there wasn’t a single department store still open in Newpointe. I had to come all the way to New Orleans.”
Amusement cut through his grief. Had that been Jill’s way of keeping Clara busy so she wouldn’t come here? He wondered why she hadn’t taken her to church.
“Mother, you didn’t have to do that.”
“Of course I did. Once I knew what you needed, you didn’t think I was going to ignore it, did you? So I came back to New Orleans and went to the Riverwalk, and got there at six-th
irty, and of all things, they close at seven on Sundays. It’s almost as if they don’t want to sell anything! And let me tell you, customer service is a thing of the past.”
He pictured his mother prancing into that huge mall, rushing from store to store demanding fleece sweatpants. He started to grin.
“First store I went to had never carried fleece anything, and frankly, I wasn’t surprised, since I’d never heard of it, either. I actually pictured sweatpants that were fuzzy like sheep.”
Dan laughed. It surprised him. He would never have dreamed his mother could cheer him up, purely by accident.
She seemed encouraged by his amusement. “I must have run through five stores, for heaven’s sake. You would have thought I was one of those wild sale-crazed women in those commercials, knocking people down to get to the fifty-percent-off rack.”
Dan’s belly laugh made her laugh too. “So what did you buy?”
“Well, at seven o’clock, I reached a store and asked the first clerk I saw if they had fleece sweatpants, and he said they did, but that they were closing. So I threw a hundred-dollar bill at him and told him there were three more where that came from if he would just keep the store open until I was finished. I can tell you, that changed his tune.”
She grabbed the bags and proudly withdrew the sweatpants she had bought. He took one pair from her, checked the size. “You did good, Mom.”
He hadn’t called her that in a very long time, and her smile trembled slightly. Then smiling even more broadly, she pulled out three more pairs of pants, some wool socks, and a few fleece zip-up jackets in gray, brown, navy, and burgundy. Finally, she pulled out a pink one.
“Whoa, wait a minute,” he said. “I’m not wearing pink.”
She winked at him then and held it in front of her. “This one’s for me.”
He had never seen her dressed casually. “Really?”
“Yes. This material feels so comfortable and warm. And—” she pulled out a pair of women’s Nikes “—I bought myself these.”
He laughed again. “Say it isn’t so. My mother in tennis shoes? Is the world ending?”
Line of Duty Page 22
