She giggled, pushing into my knee with her free hand. “But it was more than that. At least, I know that now. For a long time, I assumed it was a silly crush. When I went on feeling that same magnetic pull every time I saw you, I chocked it up to lust, a chemical reaction.”
I’d thought the same thing when I saw her at her sister’s apartment months ago. It had to be lust, because I couldn’t possibly feel what I thought I was feeling for a girl I’d known more than half my life.
“You’re not just sexy,” she said, looking at me through long, dark lashes. “There’s so much more to you than that. You have an amazing heart, Kane. You took care of me when I needed you, made me feel more loved than anyone ever has.”
“I don’t want you to feel indebted to me,” I said, torn between hope and frustration. I wanted her to want me for me, not because of the guy she perceived me to be. “And I don’t want you to mistake me for a martyr. I took care of you for my own selfish reasons.”
“You did?” she asked, adjusting her pillow so her head was propped up.
“Yeah.” I swallowed, tamping down the urge to swallow my words. But I couldn’t. This was too important. “I wanted you to love me, Mace.”
Her eyes welled up with tears, but she said nothing.
“I wanted you to see that I could make you happy, that I could be a good husband.” I cleared my throat, bringing her curled hand to my mouth. I kissed it softly as I stared into her eyes. “I wanted to help you heal, not just physically but emotionally.”
“You did,” she whispered.
“I know your last relationship took a lot out of you.”
For the first time, she broke eye contact, looking at my wedding ring instead. “You have no idea.”
“It was a long-term relationship. You obviously saw a future with him, probably thought about marrying him and having kids someday.” I wanted her to agree, because if she’d considered that kind of life with him, maybe, just maybe, she’d give me the same chance.
She bit her lip, emotions drawing a faint line between her eyebrows.
“By spending time here together, I guess I wanted to show you that you had other options. Just because your relationship with him is over doesn’t mean you can’t find love with someone else, if you give yourself a chance.”
“I want to be clear about something,” she said, resolve apparent in her steady gaze. “I never loved him. I thought I did. But I’ve had a lot of time to think.”
“About?”
“The man he was. The person I was when I was with him. Who we were together.” She shook her head slowly, as though she was still working through how to define that period of her life. “That wasn’t love. He may have thought he loved me. I thought I loved him. But what we had was a common goal, a shared love for music. We came together because of that and stayed together because we wanted to believe we were in love.”
I let her hand go as I leaned back, bracing my hands on the table. “Look, I’m no expert when it comes to stuff like this. I can’t tell you how to define it or how it’s supposed to feel.” I still couldn’t believe I was the one spewing these words. My brothers would laugh their asses off if they could hear me now. “All I know is how I feel.”
“Tell me,” she said, tucking her hands under her cheek as she faced me. “How do you feel?”
“I want you with me.” I gave myself a minute to imagine what our lives could be like if she agreed to stay. “I want you to see the real me. I’m not always brave and fearless. Sometimes I’m scared to death of dying, mostly because I feel I’m not done living. There’s so much I still want to do. And a lot of that revolves around having a family of my own.”
She smiled. “You want kids?”
“Yeah.” I held my breath, wondering whether I had the right to ask the next question while the future of our marriage still hung in the balance. “You?”
“Yeah, sure. Someday.”
That was good enough for me. But I wanted her to know what she was getting into if she chose me. I didn’t want to make false promises or paint her a picture of how bright it would be when I knew full well that a lot of darkness and shadows would balance the light. I loved her too much to deceive her. “Some nights I come home literally shaking from adrenaline because I had another brush with death.”
She sucked in a breath, then blew it out slowly as she waited for me to continue.
“There’ve been dozens of times when I’ve wondered how much longer I can cheat death. I could go back to work and get killed my first day on the job, Mace.” I wiped away a tear that trailed down her cheek. “That’s my reality. I can’t avoid it. Most people face the possibility of death every day. They just don’t see it as clearly as I do. We get into a car, board a plane, cross a street—hell, cross the wrong person—and we could meet our maker.”
“I know.”
“But I made a decision a long time ago that I’d rather live my life full out, facing risks, than shy away from them and live half a life.”
“That’s a big part of the reason I love you.” She smiled at my shocked expression. “Not because you’re fearless. Because you’re man enough to admit you’re not fearless.”
“You love me?”
“Of course I love you,” she said, laughing through her tears as though how she felt about me should have been obvious. “You have to ask?”
“Uh, yeah.”
She struggled to sit up, and I rushed to help her. She was getting stronger, more independent every day. I would selfishly miss these days when she didn’t need me anymore. Patting the sofa, she invited me to sit beside her.
When I put my arm around her, she rested her hand on my thigh, leaning into me. “What’s happened between us has been one of the most incredible and unexpected experiences of my life.”
“Ditto.”
She grinned, tipping her head back to look at me. “I’d be lying if I said your job doesn’t scare the hell out of me, because it does. When we have kids, it’ll probably scare me even more. I don’t know if I could be a single parent.”
I was too stunned to speak, so I simply rested my lips against her temple, closing my eyes as I let the impact of her words settle over me. “Then you do want a family? With me?”
“Yes, but—”
“Before you say anything, let me say something. I love what I do. I love being in the thick of things, but I enjoyed being a detective too. I expect a time will come when I decide sitting behind a desk is the right course of action for me and my family.” I’d given this a lot of thought over the years, and I’d do it for her as much as I would for myself.
“Kane, I’d never ask you to give up something you love for me. That wouldn’t be fair to either one of us.”
I loved her even more, not because she’d said that but because she meant it. “I grew up with an absentee father. I would never leave my kids without a father, not if I could help it. So when and if the day comes when we’re blessed with a baby, we’ll figure it out. I just want you to know I’m prepared to make changes.” I swallowed, trying to find the words I’d never expected to say. “I love my job, but if it came down to it and you couldn’t handle the risks I take, I wouldn’t put you through hell for the sake of my job. I’d ask my boss to reassign me. ”
“I love you,” she whispered, stroking my face. “God, I love everything about you.”
“I feel the same way.” I kissed her softly before my eyes grazed her perfect features. “I love law enforcement, but I love you more. It will always be a part of me. But I can already tell you’ll be the best part of me.”
She covered her heart with her hand, fighting back tears. “How’d I get so lucky?”
I brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. “Funny, I was just asking myself that same question.”
“As long as we’re talking about compromises…” Her gaze finally left mine and rested on the framed family photos lining my mantel. “I’ve decided to make a few of my own.”
“Such as?”
<
br /> “I love music,” she said. “Probably as much as you love law enforcement.”
“No doubt.”
“We have that in common, I think. We’ve been so focused on our passions for so long, we haven’t made room for anything or anyone else in our lives, not really.”
“That’s true. At least in my case it is.”
“You talked about ways you could still do what you love and have a family. Well, I’ve realized the same is true for me. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I can keep writing and hopefully selling music. It just means I have to get a lot better at letting go of my songs.”
“You think you could do that?” I asked. “Learn to let go?”
“I have to.” She shifted her body slightly so she was leaning her back against my chest. “I have to recognize songs as what they are—an opportunity to connect with people. I guess it doesn’t matter who sings them as long as I have a chance to share them with the world.”
“I think that’s a great attitude, if you’re sure?”
“I am,” she said, nodding emphatically. “But I’ve also come to realize some other things. Important things.”
“Like what?” I kissed the top of her head.
“Music doesn’t have to be my only source of joy. There are lots of things that could make me happy. You just happen to be one of them.”
I chuckled. “I guess I should be grateful for that.”
“I’m serious,” she said, nudging me in the ribs with her elbow. “There are probably things that I would love doing that I’ve never even had time to explore because I’ve been so wrapped up in music, I haven’t even thought about anything else.”
“Whatever makes you happy, baby.” I kissed her neck as she leaned her head back on my shoulder. “That’s all that matters to me, that you’re happy. I’ll support whatever you want to do.”
A smile curled her lips before she whispered, “Thank you.” Linking her left hand through mine, she stared at our simple bands. “It’s time for me to realize that enough really is enough. I don’t have to be rich and famous to be happy. I am happy. Right here, right now, with you.”
“Good.” She had no idea how much knowing what we had was enough for her meant to me.
“I’m lucky. I make a good living already from my royalties. I really don’t need more than that. Sure, if I write a dozen more hit songs, that would be awesome. If I become one of the go-to songwriters for Nashville’s elite, that would be incredible, but I don’t need that to be happy.”
“What do you need?” I had a feeling I knew what she was going to say, but I needed to hear it again. Yes, I was fishing.
“I need you. I need us.” She slowly turned to face me. “Being here with you makes me feel grounded. That’s what I need. I need the space and freedom to grow and learn and explore. To get in touch with the best parts of myself. I never had that with Brendan. He was always so intimidated by change, because he thought that meant I was growing away from him, that he constantly tried to stifle me.”
I couldn’t imagine how you could claim to love someone and not want them to be the best version of themselves, but I was already clear on one thing—Brendan and I were two very different men.
“I’ll do whatever I can to help you, baby,” I said, curling my hand around her soft cheek. “Even if it means just being your sounding board.”
She hugged me and breathed me in as though she was soaking up the moment. “I just know this is going to keep getting better and better, what we have.”
I was counting on that, because this woman had become so much a part of me, losing her now was unthinkable.
Chapter Seventeen
Macy
After a full eight weeks of recovery, the doctor had finally given me the go-ahead to resume all normal activities, including sex… for which Kane and I were extremely grateful.
He’d returned to work and I’d started writing songs during the day, so we were settling into a nice routine. But he’d managed to get the weekend off so he could come to Nashville with me to help pack up the last of my things. The landlord had agreed to let me pay the rent for one more month so I wouldn’t have to clear it out until I was back on my feet.
Being back here felt weird, as though I was stepping into someone else’s life. I found pictures of Brendan and me, half-written songs we’d started, and letters he’d penned to me throughout our relationship. He had called me numerous times over the past several weeks, but every time I let it go to voice mail. I was done with that part of my life, and I refused to allow him to continue bringing me down.
When I heard the door open, I turned, assuming it would be Kane. It wasn’t.
“Brendan, what the hell are you doing here? How did you even know I’d be here?” I was having difficulty breathing, imagining the worst case scenario—that he might be here to finish what he’d started.
“I asked your neighbor to text me when you came back to pack up.”
Since I hadn’t told Courtney the real story behind the accident, I couldn’t blame her. She probably assumed Brendan and I were still on friendly terms and he just wanted to stop by to say good-bye in person.
“Why? We have nothing left to say to each other.” When he went to close the door, I said, “No! Leave it open.” If I had to scream, I at least wanted to know I’d be heard. He stepped closer, and I raised my hands. “Don’t take another step, or I swear to God I’ll scream. Kane will be back any minute. He just went to the store to pick up some boxes.” He’d also said something about picking up a pizza for lunch. Hopefully he had the foresight to call ahead so he wouldn’t have to wait.
“I can’t believe you’re afraid of me,” Brendan said, looking genuinely hurt.
We heard the ding of the elevator, but they must have gone the other way since no one passed my apartment. “You tried to kill me. What do you expect?”
“Keep your voice down,” he said, casting a quick glance over his shoulder. “Do you want the whole world to know our business?”
“Unlike you, I have nothing to be afraid of,” I said, crossing my arms. “I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Look, I said I was sorry. When are you going to let it go?”
My jaw dropped. “Let it go? Are you serious? You actually expect me to just move past it like it never happened? And what? Go back to being friends? Or a duo, maybe?” That had to be the real reason for his visit, to convince me we could go on making music together, because with Brendan, everything always came back to one thing—his career.
“You have to admit we were pretty great together,” he said, his eyes raking over me.
“Trying to kill me sort of wiped out all the good memories for me. Sorry.”
“You drove me to it,” he said, his eyes hardening. “How the hell could you marry that guy? After everything we meant to each other, to go and marry someone else within—”
“If you think I’m going to apologize for marrying Kane, you’re crazy.” Any guilt I felt for hurting him had long since vanished. The only feelings that remained were sadness and confusion. I couldn’t even hate him. I didn’t want to fear him. I just wanted to know why, how someone I’d once thought I loved could try to hurt me.
“You’re going to be sorry, you know. One day you’ll wake up and realize what we had was the real deal. We could have gone all the way together, you and me.”
“When are you going to realize there’s more to life than music?” If there was a silver lining to his impromptu visit, it was getting to say all the things that had been rolling around in my head for months. “It’s not the be-all and end-all, Brendan. If we make it, great. If we don’t, it’s not the end of the world.”
“For me it is.”
Looking into his eyes, I saw such profound sadness, it tore me up. No one should have to live with that kind of inner turmoil. “Don’t say that. You have so much to live for.”
“Two things,” he said, holding up two fingers. “There were two things I cared about: you and m
usic. Now they’re both gone.”
“You can still make music without me. You’re an incredibly talented musician.” That was why I’d agreed to team up with him in the first place. Musically, he brought out the very best in me, pushed me to do things I’d never done or thought I could do.
“I haven’t written a word since you told me it was over.”
I couldn’t hide my shock. Brendan had been writing every single day since I met him. “You just need to get back at it. You don’t need me to write.”
“Yes, I do,” he said, stepping closer. “I need you for everything, Macy.” He raked a shaky hand through his hair. “Jesus, I don’t even feel like I can breathe without you.”
Instead of asking him to step back, to respect my personal space, I retreated, making it clear I didn’t want him anywhere near me. “You’ll figure things out just as soon as you accept that it’s over for us.” I took a deep breath. “I gave you a second chance by not telling the police everything that happened. That’s more than you deserve.”
“Does your husband know?”
“No.”
“Why didn’t you tell him?”
“I guess I knew what he’d do,” I said, looking away.
“What? What do you think he would do?”
“One of two things, neither of which would be good.” At his questioning look, I sighed. “Either insist we turn you in or come after you himself.”
“How do you know that’s not what I wanted?” he asked, smirking. “For him to come after me?”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I asked, toying with the gold chain around my neck, a birthday gift from my sister. “Why would you want Kane to come after you?”
“Think about it. If he killed me, he’d go to jail and save me the trouble of offing myself. You wouldn’t get the happy ending you’d hoped for, and neither would he.”
“That’s just sick,” I said, shaking my head in disbelief. “I can’t even claim to understand how your mind works. I thought I knew you, but the man I knew wouldn’t have tried to kill us both any more than he would have tried to goad another man into killing him. What’s happened to you, Brendan? When did you get so…”
Kane Page 17
