My throat contracts as I go on the stairs to reach the stage, decorated with my nation’s beautiful yellow and cyan flag. The pressure that begins to crush me is immense as the full weight of the responsibility rests on my shoulders. As the soldiers carry on the flag, the coat of arms, and the Babayev-era Constitution of Dalabistan, questions hit my head. Will I put my homeland to a disgrace? Can I really fix corruption? Will I mess up even further than Babayevs did? In such a stressful era, how long can I withstand conducting my policies before reaching massive criticism? However, as I stare out into a hopeful crowd of Dalabistanis, I tell myself to put these thoughts away, recite that oath, and declare my manifesto before I mess up anything.
The announcer barks: “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Alisher Kaisaruly Karabars for the Presidential inauguration of the Republic of Dalabistan!” That moment makes goosebumps go around my skin, tickling my hands and my neck. I gasp before I finally go to the podium, gather all of my mental energy, place my right hand on the Constitution, raise my left hand, and spit my presidential oath out through my mouth,
“Solemnly I swear truly to serve the people of Dalabistan, strictly to follow the Constitution and laws of the Republic of Dalabistan, to guarantee the rights and freedoms of citizens, honestly to carry out the high duties of the president of the Republic of Dalabistan assigned to me.”
The announcer screams in rejoice like a host of a local thousand-guest wedding, “Congratulations, Mr. Karabars, you officially became the Third President of the Republic of Dalabistan.”
Phew, I survived. I didn’t collapse while reciting the oath. I close my eyes, and I hear the massive celebration of the spectators, as if they all just witnessed a large-scale victory. It was the first time I have seen this many Dalabs have sincere happiness in their usually sorrowful eyes. The uplifting anthem roars from the loudspeakers in unison, with the rejoicing people cheering with heartfelt joy for a change. Listening to my country’s anthem that was composed as a rebel song that has now become the wind of change, fills me with so much pride. I expected them to play the version that contains the old lyrics about Volkan Babayev.
The Great Khan Volkan
He used to be President
He’s the sun of Dalabs
Greatest leader we have seen
Instead, they play the instrumental version without the lyrics. The crowd does the singing for themselves,
My country Dalabistan
Belongs to just Dalabs
Not Soviets or Chinese
They shall not exploit us!
We’re oppressed for many years
Yet we don’t gave up our pride
The seeds have been sown
Dalabs, our time has come!
My country, my country
May it prosper for the future kins
Finally let’s end our sufferings and
Build a better future for Dalabistan!
Looking back to the past
We can see corruption
Has destroyed us and our
Chances to prosper!
But we still long for freedom
And for justice for all
We achieved it in the past
We can do it today
My country, my country
May it prosper for the future kins
Finally let’s end our sufferings and
Build a better future for Dalabistan!
Now it’s my time to drive for changes. After I kiss the beautiful flag of Dalabistan, I return to the podium.
Better lives for my compatriots and peace for my company doing its business, that’s all I wanted. And now, here I am, becoming the President of this very country. Oh God, here it comes—my presidency. Time to unleash my inner ruler that was sleeping that entire time inside me, advocating radical ideas in Mr. Kimmelman’s classroom striving to make the lives of others better through my leadership.
“Today marks a new era for Dalabistan. The thirty-four-year reign of Babayevs, corruption, despotism, suppression, shameful cult of personality, and theft of resources is over. The hard work has just started for our strong nation and me. Together, we have overthrown the oppressive regime that robbed Dalabs of our natural resources, dignity, money, freedoms, and future. Together, we will rebuild our country from disgraceful lows and restore the government’s promise to its people for many years to come. Today’s ceremony has exceptional meaning because today we are transferring it from the Babayev tribes and giving it back to you, the people of Dalabistan. For too long, the greedy and corrupt Three Elite Tribes have reaped their luxuries at the expense of the Commoners like you and me. This corruption stunted our potential, growth, and progress that hindered us from fulfilling our dreams and goals. This way of life no longer has a place in this modern age of civilization and information. And this is the time to reverse the cursed state of our politics!”
The crowd erupts with cheers. Thousands of Dalabistani flags flap in the wind. Soon though, the crowd’s roar muffles, eager to hear what I will say next.
“The common men, women, and children of our country will no longer be forgotten and are regaining their long-lost voice in Dalabistani politics starting today. The government’s ultimate goal is to serve its people and make their lives better, not to coerce the people to serve the government and make government officials’ lives better at people’s own expense. And this is the promise that every legitimate government ought to make to its citizens, starting from the Dalab Khanate founders seeking to escape tyranny to democratic protesters yearning for changes yesterday. Today I pledge to serve all Dalabs during my time in office.
“For many decades, we’ve enriched the cronies’ industries at the expense of Dalab natural resources. We allowed these corrupt oligarchs of Dalabistan and beyond to exploit our land and our people without a single aldan going into the pocket of the workers or the industry of Dalabistan. We spent billions of dollars on pointless ‘propaganda showcase projects’ to boast to prominent people thousands of kilometers away while abandoning our people on the other side of the street. Other countries got rich from the flesh of our soil and Dalabs, while our confidence, dignity, opportunities, dreams, freedoms, and wealth were shattered and stolen from us.
“However, that disgusting, shameful era governed by corruption, restrictions, and back-stabbing caused by a despotic and a parasitic regime are over right here, right now, as I am standing in front of you, my fellow compatriots. Yesterday we showed a massive display of the Dalab pride, might, and strength. Today I am beginning a new era that would be governed by fulfilling the Dalabs’ dreams, using our abundant resources to benefit our people, and governed by total transparency of the economy and government. Suppose the Almighty has favored us with wealth and natural resources. In that case, our first commitment is to seek His satisfaction and to express our gratitude to Him by utilizing this wealth to make this country better and to bring goodness to its people.
“My first Decree in office is not going to show ‘fake changes’ like the decision to rename our capital in the most sycophant way possible after the First Dictator Volkan. Nor it would be like Anar Babayev’s genocidal decree to incarcerate all of the people with special needs that he called ‘the bastards’ and ‘a burden on society’. No, these two very ticks were and are the true burden on Dalabistan that suck out everything they could from it. These and other cockroaches robbed the country with impunity because of the numerous loopholes in laws that enabled that. For example, the immunity and inviolability of Volkan Babayev’s entire family in the Babayev-era Constitution of Dalabistan allowed their entire tribe to order the massacres of unarmed protesters like you who went to the streets to demand better lives. Moreover, they stole billions of dollars from taxpayers’ money that were supposed to be spent on ‘healthcare’ or ‘infrastructure building.’ Still, they went to sponsor a lavish, luxurious lifestyle of the Babayev’s tribe and their loyal servants.
“The very first action I will decree and e
nforce with my power granted by the people of Dalabistan is to put an end to that sinful plague that rotted Dalabistan away. All of the ministers, judges, mayors, governors, members of the Parliament of the Babayev-era are OUSTED from their office right here and right now. Because of the grave condition, our country is in, and because of the necessity to make rapid changes, I declare the State of Emergency for my entire first term until its end four years from today. The Babayev-era government will be temporarily replaced with the Rebuilding Council that will be charged with the duty of rebuilding Dalabistan into a just, equal, and free nation after liberating from Babayev regime’s chains. The representatives there will maintain our country’s political homeostasis until the next Presidential and Parliamentary elections in four years where every single citizen of Dalabistan would be able to see and monitor each candidate, his methods, values, past work experience, previous scandals and decide for himself for who that citizen will choose as his representative, judge, minister, and president. If one of these representatives will go against his or her people, the citizens shall use it against that representative in the elections. To prevent flaws, all of the polls would have video monitoring to report violations of free, fair elections and stop them as quickly as possible to avoid such numerous violations nullifying them. This will further ensure the transparency of the elections and political system of our country.
The people uproar in their euphoric unison: many Dalabistanis applause and even whistle in my support.
“My second action is to put all of the bank accounts of all public servants in transparent mode for every single Dalab citizen to see on the special website that the revolution headquarters is finishing to develop. Starting from local officials in villages and ending with high-ranking national public servants like myself, the entire government apparatus will be tracked and put accountable by you. Every bank transfer would become visible for the people and help us determine who steals the people’s money for private luxuries and who serves the people honestly. This will ensure the accountability of the nation’s government before the people since it is the people that choose and rule the government via the elected public servants, not vice versa.”
Another interruption by the applause. There are even cries of the people saying, “Finally, they will get exposed!” I continue,
“My third action is to eliminate immunity of judges, members of the Parliament, President, Babayev family, ministers, mayors, and governors before the law. The legal segregation and inequality of the Three Elite Tribes and the Fourteen Commoners Tribes before the law are also abolished from this day. That loophole enabled the Babayev-era government elites as well as several members of the Three Elite Tribes to commit grave crimes against Dalabistan and its people without getting prosecuted. But that shall no longer take place—from now on, if a civil servant would commit a crime, he or she would be either equally or more severely prosecuted than a Commoner would be prosecuted for the same crime.”
The conservatives of the rural areas and the liberal intelligentsia share one thing: they both whoop of delight when they hear me declare this policy. Some liberals managed to even sneak rainbow LGBTTQQIAAP flags, only to start waving them proudly right now.
“My fourth action is to start trials for ALL Babayevs-era civil servants and to examine every single one of them for corruption, theft of resources, treason, mass murder of innocent civilians, terror acts, intentional hindering of Dalabistan’s progress. They shall be conducted transparently, with all of the citizens being welcomed to collaborate, watch, or debate in the most civil manner possible. This will ensure that the trial is not merely based on ‘victor’s justice’, but on undeniable evidence to spare and allow civil servants with excellent reputations and consciences to continue benefiting our homeland with their service. This will also guarantee that all of the proven corrupt criminals will lose their right to live and would get what they deserve for years of arbitrary oppression and exploitation of our soil by burying them in that very soil they have sought so much to destroy.”
All I can hear from the citizens below the podium is a single repeated chant of “Lock them up!” We can agree with the citizens on that one for sure.
“My fifth action is to impose the death penalty and to make the following capital offenses in Dalabistan’s Criminal Code: corruption, murder, terrorist attacks, falsifying elections, abuse of power, bribery, rape, pedophilia, kidnapping, unlawful deprivation of liberty, human trafficking, and theft of government resources for private gain.”
The people raise their fists. They start to clap. They catch on to their battle cries of “Martyrs never die!” and “Remember the Munai massacre!”
“These methods shall eliminate massive corruption in the government, as well as would increase the safety of our streets. If we eliminated all of the people that steal our resources and abuse their power, we would become closer to eliminating corruption. There are too many serious cases when corruption is incurable for the person, and we need to separate that parasite from sucking the government’s blood and obliterate it before it tries to suck the country’s resources ever again.”
This one makes people explode with applause. Some even shout, “This should have been done ages ago!” I believe that corruption must be heavily controlled and suppressed. After all, that is one of the most successful ways to prevent it from ruining society. This is the only effective Final Solution to the Corruption Question.
I continue, “My sixth action is to legalize all of the political opposition groups that were unfairly labeled as ‘extremist’ by the previous oppressive regime, as well as to liberate and to rehabilitate all of the falsely-convicted political prisoners and victims of injustice. I invite all the political parties, trade unions, and citizens for productive dialogue to build a better Dalabistan. The lack of such dialogue and interexchange of suggestions between various parties and opinions is what created the massive stagnation of our country that lasted for too long.”
There is nothing but a cacophonous swell of applause and cheers. It is time to wrap it up.
“This arbitrary oppression by Volkan Babayev’s regime shall never happen again. Ultimately, political debates and political opposition exist in politics and government to represent the various perspectives of all the country’s citizens to work together to find the best means possible to pave the road to prosperity. Right after the inauguration, I am going to sign these acts, and they shall enter into force tomorrow. I hope these first actions will make the promised prosperity come to Dalabistan and to our amazing people who endured through blood, iron, injustice to achieve wealth and freedom. Thank you very much, dear citizens, and let us work together to ensure Dalabistan’s economic prosperity, its government’s transparency, and our people’s social well-being. If I fail to reach my goals, let the Dalabistani nation judge me.”
Chapter 14: The Papers
I’m done. My whole speech was interrupted by cheers from the audience and with terror from Babayev-era ticks. It seems that I’m doing everything right so far. I hope that I will keep such a high opinion of myself during the end of my term after four more years. For now, the Dalab Eli square roars with applause. They hope that I will finally fulfill their dreams and will eventually carry my country from swamps into golden prosperity and turn Dalabistan into the true Singapore or Dubai of the North. My body surges with euphoria.
I step down from the podium to greet Mr. Kimmelman and many other friends that I invited for my ceremony. What a reunion! The moment they see me coming down the stairs towards their seats, they all rush to jump on me and hug in triumph!
I find an entire row of empty chairs, with only the lonely paper slips remaining on the seats. One chair says, “Minister of Education,” another one has a wrinkled sheet with “Minister of Finances.” I decide to break the ice by joking to Mr. Kimmelman, “Do you think that the Dalab-American School’s Debate Club would become the most important political force in Dalabistan politics for the next four years, M
r. Kimmelman?”
“From what I know about you, Alisher, I bet that it’s your corporation that is starting to rule right now. I wish you luck, but I wonder if you will be able to avoid the same mistakes and turn into another tyrant. You are definitely smart, but maybe a bit too rash when you have strong emotions?”
“I definitely agree with you on that one, Mr. Kimmelman.”
“This country, or perhaps even the entirety of Central Asia, doesn’t need another vicious ruler or idiot king like Babayev or Turkmenbashi. I don’t think you might have these problems. What I fear about you is your mental state. I honestly hope that your anxieties and depression won’t attack you so much right now while you are the president. It would be a big shame if the revolution that killed Zuhra and Zholan would be pointless and futile.”
Amid all of that noise, Bong Ju runs to me and shouts, “Alisher! How’s life?”
I pause for a second to hug him. The last week was so insane that I feel that it has been a thousand years since I last saw him. Two days ago, I didn’t even expect that I was going to survive the assault plan and become the president instead of ending up standing trial on the court dock. “Hey, Bong Ju, long time no see. I didn’t expect to see you ever again!”
Bong Ju calls me, “I am so happy to see you safe and alive! By the way, do you know who are all of these people that just ran away quickly from the stage? Do you know why many of them left before the end of your speech?”
I hesitated for a second. It all seemed quite strange and mysterious. Everybody in the square remained to celebrate my inauguration. I heard “No more Babayevs” and similar slogans coming from everywhere, but the second row that sat in the VIP seats was empty and silent. When I see the empty card saying “Grigory Alexandrovich Petrov, Member of Parliament” on one lonely chair, I realize what I have done. “I guess they are running to save their asses to Europe before it’s too late. I should not have said it directly to these cockroaches.”
The Outcast Presidents Page 13
