by Kim Karr
Opening my eyes I take a deep breath and exit the bathroom. I glance over at the bed in the room I never wanted to be in after Ben died and try not to think of the pain and suffering his death caused me—and for what?
Back in the entryway, I grab the drinks, and go sit in one of the chairs, blocking out all thoughts of Ben. Aerie comes in a few minutes later.
“Thank you so much for this.” I raise my large paper cup in the air.
“Yeah, well I thought you might need some and I grabbed myself a tea while I was at it.”
When she says the word tea, I think about River and the first morning we spent together . . . when I wasn’t sure if he was a coffee or tea drinker. How relieved I was that he drank coffee.
She comes over to me and the memory dissipates as she tries to brush the knots out of my hair but can’t, so just ends up twirling it into a messy bun and securing it with the elastic she removed from her wrist.
“Always prepared.”
“I try to be,” she says, grabbing her cup and sitting in the chair next to me. She looks me up and down. “You know, we can go to my place and you can take a shower.”
“No, I really just want to stay here.”
She nods her head and we both sit quietly, sipping our drinks until I break the silence. “What else did Grace tell you about Ben, other than he’s alive? . . .” I start to speak the truth but the words sound strange, not real, and I can’t even complete the sentence.
“All she told me was that Ben was involved in something dangerous and had to leave for his safety and . . . ,” she pauses before adding, “. . . and for yours, Dahlia. But she didn’t feel comfortable discussing anything else and I didn’t push her.”
Frowning, I say, “I can see why. It’s a crazy story and honestly really hard to believe.”
“Why? Do you think he’s lying to you?”
“No. I don’t. It was just a lot to process and then he said something that set me off and I kind of exploded.”
“What did he say?”
“He told me he made the choice to leave.”
“What do you mean he had a choice?”
“He got himself into a bad situation and instead of talking about it, and us facing it together, he left.”
“Dahlia, did you stay to let him finish?”
“I tried, Aerie, I did. But I couldn’t listen to him anymore. You know what I went through when he died and to hear he made a choice . . .”
“Can you at least try to forgive him, so you can move past this and get some closure?”
“No! No! I’m not going to forgive him for what he did. I can’t!”
I’m unable to distinguish whether what I just said annoys her or saddens her, but from the slight downward curl of her lip, I’d have to go with saddens. We stare at each other for a long while and I know she’s being cautious with her words.
“Do you think you should sit down and listen to everything? I don’t know what he did, but I know he loved you and I’m sure the choice wasn’t easy.”
Not able to hide my irritation I tell her, “Don’t you get it, Aerie?—that’s just it, talking to him again won’t change anything.”
We share silence for a few more moments.
She raises an eyebrow. “I know it won’t, but I think it will help you better understand why he did what he did.”
Wow. She understands more than I thought she did.
I pause for a minute trying to understand why she’s pleading Ben’s case. When I think I’ve figured it out my face flames with skepticism and disbelief. “You don’t think I’m going to just jump out of my relationship with River and back into Ben’s arms? Do you, Aerie? Because it doesn’t work that way.”
Her eyes flash to mine. She sets her tea down and walks over and kneels in front of me, grabbing my hands. In a low voice she says, “Of course not. I know it doesn’t work that way and no one expects that at all.” Then she squeezes my hands tightly. “I know you love River. I even set you up to meet him to begin with because I knew how you felt about him. We’ve talked about that. This isn’t about choosing one guy over the other. It’s about listening to and maybe even forgiving a man you’ve known your whole life. Not ruling it out. That’s all. I’m not saying this for him, but for you, for your own peace of mind. I know you, Dahlia—this will drive you crazy.”
That wasn’t at all what I’d expected to hear. And although I understand her intentions, I know forgiveness isn’t in me right now.
She sighs and then shrugs. “Maybe try looking at the situation from his point of view, that’s all. Just think about it.”
I nod. “I’ll try but that doesn’t mean I’m going to forgive him.” With that, she stands up and goes to sit back in her chair.
Looking down at the coffee cup still in my hand, I swirl it around. “River and I got into a fight after I saw Ben this morning.”
She says nothing. Fuck me, she knows that, too. I can tell immediately because she stands back up and paces the room, avoiding my intent stare at all costs.
“Aerie. What do you know?”
She doesn’t answer and I stand up and walk over to her. “Aerie. Tell me now.”
“Dahlia, I think I should let River explain.”
“Well River isn’t here right now and he isn’t talking to me anyway. So how about you explain.”
“Fuck!” she says and she never says fuck so I know it’s bad.
She walks to the window and pulls her phone out of her pocket then dials a number. “Serena, are you almost here?” she says and after a few moments she hangs up.
I gape at her. “What’s going on here? You called Serena already. Why?”
“Dahlia, please calm down. We didn’t want to tell you right away about the attack because . . .”
I cut her off. “Did you always know Ben was alive? Did you know this whole time?”
“Jesus, Dahlia. No! No! I knew nothing about that, I swear. God, I would never have let you go through that if I had known, none of us would have. What I meant was we knew who attacked you, but that’s all.”
I study her face, trying to understand. “We? You mean all of you knew? Not just River?”
“Dahlia, please let River explain this.”
“No Aerie, I want you to explain the ‘we’ to me now.”
She sighs as if resigning herself to a fate worse than death as she slumps back in the chair and picks up her cup. She takes a few drawn-out sips before talking. “The night before you were attacked, Grace was notified that Ben’s shooter was released. Caleb found him and chased him out of your house. He was worried that guy would come after you. Grace tried to call you, Serena tried to call you, and Caleb tried to call you. They all left you messages but you never called them back. Serena tried again in the morning and River answered. They told him everything that had been going on, but it was too late by then,” she stops for a few seconds as I continue to glare at her in total and complete shock.
“Go on. So why not tell me? I don’t understand.”
“Dahlia, we remember how you were when Ben died, and none of us wanted to bring that pain back on you. Grace wanted to tell you in person so she asked River to wait before saying anything. Then you two decided to go get married and not tell anyone. I questioned River’s decision to not tell you first, but in the end I decided I’d rather see you happy than risk what might happen if we dredged up those sad memories.” She stands back up and walks over to me.
I try to absorb all this information. Is there anyone I can trust? Wanting to put the pieces together, I run out the door to my car and grab my phone from the console. Back in the house I glance at the screen and see three missed calls. I immediately scroll through my voice messages. There are none from five days ago. River must have deleted them. I shake my head and throw my phone across the room. I can hear the sound of destruction as the screen shatters, but I don’t care. I don’t need it. He hasn’t even called me, but Unknown Caller has called another three times.
I sin
k to the ground and pull my knees to my chest. “I can’t believe he hasn’t even called me since our argument this morning.”
Aerie comes to sit next to me and looks at me questioningly. “Who? Ben?”
“No! Not Ben. I told you I don’t want to fucking talk to him. River. River hasn’t called me.”
As I’m speaking, I hear the door open and look over to the foyer. Serena stands there with a bag of Chinese takeout in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other.
“Maybe you should call him? You’re the one who slapped him and left him at Mom’s,” she says when she walks into the room and sets down the bag on the coffee table.
“How do you know that?” I know I’m staring at her, but I can’t help it.
“Dahlia, Mom saw the whole thing. She saw you and River at your car and saw you drive away. She called you to come back home, but you wouldn’t answer.”
“Serena, so much has happened in the last day, I’m doing the best I can. I’m just not ready to talk about it yet.”
“I get it, Dahlia, but what you don’t understand is that by avoiding the issues you’re just causing a bigger rift between everybody. You need to stop running away and face what’s right in front of you. You might actually be surprised by the outcome.”
I drop my head into my hands. I don’t even know how to respond because there are so many issues. It’s not that I’m running; it’s that my faith in Ben is shattered and talking to River seemed pointless at the time, we were both just too mad. Serena takes my hand and pulls me over to the sofa to sit next to her. We’re facing each other as she says, “Dahlia, I know you don’t want to talk about this, but you need to know what happened this morning.”
“I have enough to think about, I don’t need to hear more.”
I start to stand up and Serena reaches for me. “Wait, you need to hear this. After you left this morning, Ben and River were yelling at each other in the driveway. River lunged at Ben and they started fighting. It took Mom screaming at them for them to stop.”
“Oh my God, I never thought, I just never even thought about them seeing each other, let alone what would happen if they did.”
Serena gives me a look and scolds me. “You would have known if you’d have answered your goddamn phone.”
“I’m sorry but I just don’t know what to do here—with Grace, River, Ben, I’m so angry, so upset, and confused. I really don’t want to talk about them right now.”
Aerie walks over to where my phone lays broken on the floor and picks it up. “Well, you don’t have to worry about them calling you because you no longer have a phone.”
To avoid tears, I mumble, “Well at least I won’t be checking for calls that never come.”
I stand up and head for the table. Serena jumps up, grabs my arm, and shouts so I can’t ignore her, “Dahlia, grow up. You slapped him and left him standing there.”
I turn to her in shock and scream back, “I know I did!”
“Well what did you expect?” Then taking a breath, she says in exasperation, “Dahlia, you need to get your shit together.”
“I know I shouldn’t have left him there, I get it, but I also know we both needed time to calm down.”
Serena rolls her eyes at me and says, “Your decision.”
“Well my decision right now is to eat this Chinese food and have a drink. Then I’ll worry about what to do next.”
Serena stands there shaking her head and Aerie just looks at me not knowing what to do with me at this point, and I get it because frankly, I don’t know what to do with myself, either.
So I do the only thing I can right now—I grab the bottle of vodka. Ripping the plastic off, I unscrew the top and take a long chug. Then I wipe my mouth with my hand as I endure the burning sensation traveling down my throat. Serena stands there with her hands on her hips. She’s completely no-nonsense just like her brother, but I try to set that thought aside.
“Fuck, Dahlia, I have cranberry juice and limes in the car, could you wait a minute?”
“No I can’t. I don’t care about mixers right now. I just want to stop thinking about all this madness.” Lifting the bottle in the air I make a toast. “Here’s to making dumb decisions and not always being able to own up to them.” With that, I burst out laughing and then start crying. I take one more sip from the bottle.
Both of my best friends come over, Aerie grabs the bottle and says, “Here’s to never being able to keep a boyfriend because you’re just too damn picky.”
I raise my hand as if holding a glass and say, “Here’s to not being picky, but to waiting for Mr. Right.”
After she downs a healthy dose of vodka, she hands the bottle to Serena. Serena takes it and holds it in front of her. “Here’s to being a shitty parent. May your sons never get into the kind of trouble that you can’t help them out of.”
What? I look at Serena and know this isn’t the time to ask but I wonder what’s going on with Trent. I need to comfort her so I raise my imaginary glass again and say, “Here’s to moms who do everything they can to help their children.”
It’s now that I realize these women have their own issues. And I should have been there to help them like they’ve helped me. How do I not even know what’s bothering them?
I grab the bottle and make another toast. “Here’s to always listening to your friends and understanding their issues.”
Once all of our feelings are out there, we spend the rest of the afternoon eating Chinese and drinking what’s left of the 750ml bottle of vodka before we all pass out. The three of us are careful only to talk about Serena and Aeries’s lives and never say the name Ben or River.
Chapter 8
Into the Nothing
Ben’s Journal
I spent the morning pressing a bag of ice to my lip—nursing my wound and my pride, too. I didn’t expect that pussy to go all Rambo on me. Maybe I should have taken him more seriously. Either way, he got a few good ones in, but so did I. I’m confident that pretty boy is at least sporting one black eye.
I knew Dahl wouldn’t go straight to him after the argument I witnessed them have. That’s not her MO. Whenever we argued we both always needed space to calm down before discussing issues. I thought she would be at the beach, so I wasn’t surprised when I drove by our house and saw her car there. She must have been thinking of me, and all the years we shared together. That’s evident just by where she ended up.
I stood on the front porch for at least fifteen minutes trying to figure out if I should go in. Instead, I decided to revert to the way I won her back the only time we ever broke up. I grabbed a piece of paper from Mom’s car and left her a note. I know she’ll know it’s from me the minute she sees it. Hopefully, it will be enough to convince her to call me. I don’t care if I have to leave a million notes—if that’s what it takes, I will. She has to spend time with me, it’s the only way I can get her to see I’m the only one for her.
Chapter 9
Blurry
Hours later I awaken, sore, aching, and sprawled out on the oversize sofa with Aerie as my pillow and Serena as my blanket. The overhead lights are on, but do nothing to help me focus. It’s pitch-black outside and the streetlights are on so it has to be late. I try to lift my head but the thudding sensation that kicks up at the movement makes my pulse race and my stomach turn. I gag down the bile inching its way up my throat, but all that does is make the taste in my mouth even worse.
Looking around at the Chinese takeout containers, I find an opened water bottle. As I sit up to drink it, I try not to disturb Aerie or Serena and scoot carefully off the couch. My head is pounding, but my heart feels like it has lost its beat. The rage I felt toward River has dissipated and I’m left with the awareness that we need to talk about what happened this morning. Yes, I was mad at him for not telling me what he knew, but Grace asked him not to. I get it, and I’m ready to talk now, I just hope he is.
When I walk through the house I can’t help picturing how I was in the years after Ben di
ed—all alone. It breaks my heart to think about how isolated and alone I felt. How my grief overpowered any feelings of hope. I wish I could go back and wipe away those years and the toll they took on me, but I can’t.
Opening the front door to leave, I notice Ben’s keys hanging on the hook. Why had I never gotten rid of them? I shake my head and walk out into the coolness of the night. When I approach my car I see there’s a folded piece of paper on the windshield and I know instantly it’s from Ben. The note is folded the same way as all the other notes he had ever left me—and he left me an abundance of them during our short three-month breakup when I thought he might be cheating.
I open the note and read the short but to-the-point message.
I’m sorry. I miss you. I love you. Let me talk to you.
Ben
Bitterness rushes through me. Is he kidding me? I am not going to forgive him. He made his choice, he left me alone, and now that I’m happy he thinks we can just go back to the way we were. Well we can’t. And even if we could . . . I don’t want to. I love River and that’s something I would never change.
In fact, I know what I have to do—I have to cut my ties with him. I rip the bottom half of his note and shove the other half inside the kangaroo pocket of my sweatshirt. Opening the car door, I search for a pen, and then write a brief note to Serena telling her to make sure Ben knows this house is now his. It hasn’t been ours since he chose to leave. He can’t have me, but he can have our house.
I walk back into the house and lay the note on the entryway floor and anchor Ben’s keys on it. As I leave, I hear the wind chimes and I know this is the last time I will be walking out the door of this house. It’s not my home anymore, it’s not our home anymore, it’s simply Ben’s. My home is in LA and that is where I’m heading.
