by Rin Grey
All his body rhythms indicated sleep. She waited a few more moments, in case her movement had roused him, and then she slid carefully out of the bed.
She hesitated, torn between the risk of being caught by someone in the house if she left physically, and a reluctance to enter the Dome. The latter won, and she spun a brief web of invisibility around herself before slipping out of Gemma’s house as quietly as possible.
The night air was chilly and Elizabeth shivered. She couldn’t be bothered saddling Rianna, instead choosing to walk to Sean’s house. It was only about twenty minutes, but she berated herself most of the way there.
If Digger woke while she was gone, she suspected she would lose her last chance with him.
And she didn’t want that.
She should have stayed in bed. Her absence would have told Sean as much as her presence would. He would have no excuse to turn up at Gemma’s house and demand an explanation now that Mitch’s training was complete, and he certainly wasn’t going to show his face at the Salinga offices.
She had no reason to fear him following up if she ignored his invitation.
But she didn’t.
She arrived at the neat house, pushed open the gate, and walked up to the door.
She was just searching in her belt pouch for the key he’d given her when the door opened. Her hand was on her sword, and she had drawn up her magic before she even thought.
Sean smiled at her with amusement. “Were you expecting someone else?”
“I didn’t think you’d be here yet,” Elizabeth said defensively, releasing both the magic and her sword.
Freck, on the defensive already. This was not going to go well.
“Come in.” Sean moved aside, and Elizabeth stepped past him into the house.
Once inside, she was suddenly at a loss for words. Which didn’t seem to matter, because Sean apparently had plenty to say.
“I’m sorry you had to find out about Senika from Jon,” he began softly. “I had intended to tell you, but somehow, it never quite seemed like the right time.”
“I’m not surprised,” Elizabeth said dryly, on better footing now. This was good. If she could stay angry, and goodness knows she had enough reason to be, then maybe…
Maybe what? Maybe she could not see him, or her son, for another twenty years?
At least by then Digger probably wouldn’t be an issue anymore.
That thought brought her no comfort at all.
“It is not what you think it is,” Sean continued, as though she hadn’t replied.
Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. “What is it then?”
“I married her for Jon’s sake.”
Elizabeth could already feel some of her anger seeping away, like she was looking for an excuse to let it go. Like she wanted to forgive him.
And she might have, if he’d just told her from the beginning.
But she hadn’t even known until Jon had blurted it out. That just made it clear that she was never going to be a real part of his life. She was just an afterthought. He just burst in and tore her life to pieces, while his went along its merry way with no disruptions at all.
“Do you think that’s just going to solve everything?” she demanded.
“Elizabeth.” Sean’s voice was exasperated. “Can you at least let me finish?”
Elizabeth shrugged but said nothing further, mentally kicking herself for actually wanting to hear the rest of his excuse.
“When Jon was born, I was at a loss what to do with him. I would have loved to raise him myself, but as you know, I’m away a lot, and busy. It made more sense to find somewhere where he had a chance at a normal family. I didn’t even know Senika, really, but her husband was one of my Seekers, a decent, hardworking man. I heard that they’d lost a baby in childbed, just the same morning Jon was born, so it seemed like the logical solution to my problem.”
Elizabeth turned away, biting her lip to prevent herself pointing out that she could have raised Jon without any of these issues. Somehow, she didn’t think that was going to improve things any. She’d had that fight with him when Jon was born, and though it had ended up with them not speaking for twenty years, she couldn’t bring herself to spark that again—if only for the fact that it might keep her from seeing Jon.
Sean continued, “Everything seemed fine. Jon was growing up and seemed happy. Until Hyalt was killed while outside the Dome. Then things spiralled out of control, and I realised what sort of woman Senika really was. She tried to use Jon to get to me. She was constantly pushing him to be what she thought I wanted him to be, trying to gain my favour.”
Despite herself, his explanation twisted Elizabeth’s stomach. The thought of someone else raising her son was hard enough, but the fact that she’d done a bad job only made it worse.
That was entirely on Sean though. He was the one who’d put Jon in this situation. And of course, his answer to the situation wasn’t much better.
“So you married her? Seems like the logical solution,” Elizabeth said sarcastically.
“It may sound twisted, but it was the only option. I couldn’t just take Jon from her at that point. He was fifteen years old. It would have caused a major stir. By marrying her, she stopped focusing solely on him, and I had a legitimate excuse to be involved in his life.”
Elizabeth stared out the window, kicking herself for seeing his point of view. With her out of the picture, it was the logical solution.
That didn’t mean she had to like it though. “You had to do what you felt you had to,” she said without turning around.
“Yes, I did. And I don’t regret it. Now what are you going to do?”
She turned around then, staring at him for a few moments. This was the closest he had come to asking her what she wanted, ever. And despite the fact that being with him messed up everything, it melted a little of the wall she’d built around her heart. “Are you sleeping with her?” she asked.
“What does that have to do with it?”
That wasn’t a denial. Her heart hurt, even though she wasn’t surprised.
She gave a bitter laugh. “What does that have to do with it? A frecking lot. But obviously, I’m stupid to have asked. Of course you are.”
“Just as you’re sleeping with your mercenary,” Sean countered.
His counter wasn’t unreasonable, but for some reason it irritated Elizabeth. How could he even liken things with her and Digger to his marriage? She’d only settled with Digger more than a decade after he’d thrown her out, when she’d finally accepted that things were over for good.
And now his presence threatened that relationship, while his marriage was untouchable.
For a moment Elizabeth felt anger rising, making it hard to breathe. Then she let it all go.
“That’s exactly why we need to stop doing this,” she said gently.
Sean raised an eyebrow. “I don’t see the connection.”
He didn’t want to see it. She didn’t either. But it was unavoidable.
“We both have other people to consider, Sean. Every time I come to you like this, it’s hurting him, and I can’t keep doing that.”
“Do you love him?” Sean demanded.
Elizabeth shied away from the question. Admitting how she felt about Digger, if she’d been able to figure it out in the first place, brought this far too close to his actions for comfort.
Not to mention the fact that he was using it to avoid his own responsibility in this.
“How did this become about Digger?” she demanded. “You’re the one who’s married and ‘forgot’ to tell me.” Her moment of calm dissipated, and anger crept into her voice. Who did Sean think he was, to make this about her?
“And you told me all about him,” Sean countered, his voice not exactly level any more either. “I thought you said you loved me.”
So he had heard. Her anger fled, leaving her real feelings. Disappointment. Hurt. Betrayal.
“I don’t see you returning the sentiment,” she said sadly.
“Beth…” Sean’s voice trailed off, and there was an echo of pain in it too. One she didn’t want to acknowledge.
“That’s what I thought.” Elizabeth turned away again, tempted to just teleport to the Dome to get away from this conversation. It was going nowhere.
She’d bared her soul and, true to form, Sean would not—or could not—reciprocate.
This was the way it always went. Why did she keep expecting it to be different?
His hands slid around her waist, and he kissed the top of her head. A fierce war waged between Elizabeth’s head and her heart. His touch sparked fire deep in her belly. Her body ached to melt into his. All her reservations threatened to fade away in the face of this pull.
A pull she’d felt since the first moment she’d met him, even through the alcohol induced haze, one that hadn’t abated one bit in fifty years.
Fifty years. And she still didn’t know where she stood with him. Somehow, she suspected she never would. Unlike Digger, who bared his heart to her and offered it up without hesitation, Sean kept everything in reserve.
She couldn’t just keep coming back to him, when he offered nothing in return.
He rested his head on top of hers for a moment, then sighed and turned her to face him, lifting up her chin so he could see her face, his other arm still tight around her waist.
Elizabeth pulled back, shaking her head.
“Don’t, Sean,” she pleaded softly, not wanting him to kiss her, knowing she wouldn’t be able to stand firm against his lips on hers.
Predictably, he ignored her feeble protests and kissed her anyway.
The kiss was unexpectedly gentle, lasting only a second before he pulled back, looking down at her still upturned face.
“You don’t have to return to the Dome, Beth, but don’t expect me to stay away. My marriage to Senika has nothing to do with us, and will be over within the year besides.”
Within the year? Of course. He’d said Jon was fifteen, and he was now twenty-one, meaning that they had been married for six of the usual seven years. Elizabeth had forgotten, it never having been relevant to her, that King Lisanna had instigated an optional seven year marriage contract. His reasoning being that, given mages’ greatly extended life spans, marrying for life was unreasonable.
Obviously, given the circumstances, Sean wouldn’t be renewing the contract when it came to term.
Did that change anything? Her mind was in turmoil, not helped by Sean lowering his lips to hers again. This time the kiss was hot and demanding, awakening an ever ready desire.
Half-heartedly, she pushed against his chest in a feeble attempt to escape his arms. But he only laughed throatily against her mouth and deepened the kiss, leaving her breathless. She held out for a few more seconds, till his tongue flicked in through her teeth, then she groaned and surrendered, slipping her arms up around his neck.
That was when he pulled back and asked huskily, “Do you want me to stop?”
“Freck you, no,” she swore.
He laughed again, satisfied, and resumed his kissing.
*****
It was several hours later before Elizabeth left Sean’s house.
Outside on the street she paused, looked back towards Gemma’s house, then turned the other way. Five minutes’ brisk walk brought her to a small hill overlooking the harbour. At the top, a large fig tree with drooping branches occupied pride of place.
Elizabeth sighed in relief and sat down under the tree on a large root that somewhat resembled a stool. She stared up at the thick branches for a few minutes, marvelling that it was still here, then out across the harbour. She barely noticed the moonlight reflected off the waves, but the gentle swishing as they ran up and down the shore was vaguely soothing.
What was she doing? She’d been so angry at Sean earlier, and as soon as he’d touched her, it had all just disappeared. How did he manage to do that?
Why could she not choose the safe, sweet, secure life that Digger offered her over the exhilarating chaos that was Sean?
Was it just that he was the only one she knew who would still be around in another fifty years?
Despite the sense in that feeling, Elizabeth knew that in reality, it had little bearing on her choices.
She just couldn’t give up the way Sean made her feel. Despite everything, she couldn’t help believing that he knew her better than Digger, better than her family, better even than she knew herself.
She rose restlessly and disrobed, dropping her clothes in a pile on the root. After a moment’s hesitation, she added her sword to the top of the pile and then clothed the whole thing in not only invisibility magic, but a few nasty surprises to anyone who came upon it.
Then, naked, she walked down the sand dunes to the waves and dived in.
The water was cold, and she gasped as it washed over her. She swam out past the breaking waves with strong strokes, the exercise warming her sufficiently to stop her shivering. Then she flipped on her back and floated on the gentle swells, staring up at the stars.
What was she going to do?
Digger had said he could accept this, so long as she was honest with him, but his actions showed otherwise. It hurt him every time she told him the truth, and she didn’t see the sense in that.
Aside from this one issue, they had a good life. They shared fun times and a closeness she appreciated. She knew Digger would always be there for her, and that he’d never leave her with this aching uncertainty in her heart.
Unfortunately, that was exactly what she was doing to him.
If only she could convince him that he had little risk of losing her. That her affair with Sean was never going to be anything more than that. In fact, the only time she’d seen him had been when he was here for business with Jocelyn, or to check on Mitch. Now that both of those were over, if she didn’t seek him out herself, she probably wouldn’t see him again for months, if not years.
She waved her arms gently in the water and sighed.
There was no good answer. And there never would be. She comforted herself with the reality that she had no intention of seeking Sean out right now. She had enough problems of her own to deal with, without adding his.
She twisted over in the water and struck out for the now distant shore. The current had carried her some distance out, but she wasn’t concerned.
Half an hour later, she stepped up out of the ocean and dried herself with magic. Shivering slightly, she found her clothes and dressed quickly.
The brisk walk home warmed her, and to her relief, no one in the house stirred as she slipped inside and up into bed. Digger slept on, oblivious, and she comforted herself with the thought that it was better to leave things for now. She’d reassess when, if, she saw Sean again.
*****
It was late when Sean returned to the Dome, but he didn’t go home to his wife and bed. Instead, he teleported directly to Hugo’s palace. His friend was probably asleep, but Sean didn’t really care at this point. He needed to talk to someone, and Hugo was the only person who had a chance of understanding.
When Hugo came into the study a few minutes later, he looked surprisingly awake for the late hour. “Good evening, Sean. To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?”
He might as well have turned up at two in the afternoon, Sean thought sourly. Wasn’t Hugo ever put out? He was sure the king would never be in a flap over a woman.
“I think I’m losing her,” he said abruptly.
“What happened this time?” Hugo asked calmly.
Sean threw himself uninvited into a lounge chair, feeling some measure of relief at offloading his emotions. “Jon accidentally told her about Senika.”
“I take it that didn’t go well?”
Sean gave a short laugh in spite of himself. That was the understatement of the year. “No, not particularly.”
“I said you should have explained it to her from the start.”
And it wasn’t as if Sean had disagreed, but he’d known how Elizabeth w
ould react, and no matter how much he’d wanted to be honest with her, there was too much at stake. Hugo knew that, and yet he still kept pretending this was just a normal relationship.
As if anything about Elizabeth was normal.
“And risked her reacting like this before she got pregnant?” Sean asked dryly. “I fail to see how that would have benefited us.”
Hugo didn’t argue. He had to see the point. Instead, he poured himself a drink, and handed one to Sean. “How bad is it?”
Sean took the drink, a sure sign of his distress. He usually didn’t drink at all. How ironic that it was Elizabeth who was inspiring it. He gave a rough laugh at that, and at his close call. For a moment there, he’d thought she was going to tell him she didn’t want to see him again.
He’d been surprised, in that moment, how much he’d feared that outcome.
She wasn’t good for him. She’d hurt him at least as many times as he’d hurt her. And for a moment, he’d almost been tempted to agree with her comment that they shouldn’t keep doing this.
But a life without her stretched long and empty, and no matter how much it hurt, he kept coming back for more.
Just like she did.
“It could be worse,” he admitted. “I won her over. But I don’t know how much longer it will work for.”
“How do you think she is going to react to the pregnancy?” Hugo asked.
Sean winced. He didn’t even want to think about that. Not after last time. “I have no idea.”
“Do you think she’ll return to the Dome?” Hugo asked.
Why had he come here? Hugo wasn’t saying anything at all to make him feel better.
He didn’t even want to think about what he would have to do if Elizabeth wanted to remain in Asherad. Near her family. His hands clenched into involuntary fists at the thought. “She won’t have a choice in that one.”
Hugo raised an eyebrow. “Do you think that’s wise?”
Why did Hugo keep questioning everything he said? “What, you think it’s a good idea to let her give birth and raise the child out there? With her family? You know how important this child could be,” Sean demanded.
