by Meg Buchanan
Now I know about wanting to keep quiet about what Logan’s done to you. “Okay,” I said in the end.
We sat there, not talking. Laura occasionally wiped her nose on her hand. After a while she leaned her head on my shoulder the way Jess does.
“Why is everything so easy for Jess?” she asked.
I shrugged. I could have answered that but didn’t think it was the right time.
We waited until the lights in the bach had been out for a while. Laura moved. Real wobbly. Could be the drink. Could be anything.
I stood up. “Come on.”
“You’ll need to help me up.” She said it shakily and put her hand out. I helped her up.
She stood there still wobbly. “Just give me a moment.” Then she nodded at the rug all strewn with clothes. “Could you collect up everything.”
She watched me roll the evidence into a ball. “When we get inside put it in the laundry,” she said.
“Okay.” Then I helped her get to the shower. I waited in the lounge to walk with her to the sleep out because that’s what she asked me to do.
Her dad must have heard something. He got up. “What’s happening?” He stood there at the bedroom door, sleepy eyes, pyjamas and bare feet.
How do you say, “Logan raped Laura?” How do you tell someone that? Especially Jess’s dad. Especially when Laura was so fierce about no one knowing anything? Especially when I could understand where she’s coming from.
I just said, “I couldn’t sleep, and Laura came in to have a shower.”
Her dad looked like he wanted to ask a few more questions. But he just shook his head instead, turned around on his bare feet and went back into the bedroom.
Next morning, I woke early, and my head filled with little hammers. I got up, sat on the steps and played the guitar. Even this early the light in the sky felt fierce. I couldn’t figure what to do. I thought Laura should tell someone. Or I should.
I could just see the front lawn and stuff from my party was still everywhere. Bottles, plates, paper, strewn all over the grass. The brazier was still tipped over, dead coals glistened sad and black in the dew now.
I played real quietly but probably still pissed everyone off. They were all in bed or in the tents on the lawn. The tents all had a bit of a sag on. Cole’s ute with its canopy sat on the driveway, a couple of gaps beside it, and two skid marks where Logan’s car was parked.
I kept thinking, I should tell someone. Someone should help her.
But she so fiercely didn’t want that.
Or maybe she did, and just couldn’t say.
The chords rippled and echoed, back and forth arguing.
Tell someone. Don’t tell. Tell.
But I didn’t think I should tell if Laura didn’t want it.
Then Jess came out of her shed. She wandered across and sat beside me on the step.
“How’s Laura?” I asked after she’d leaned across the guitar to kiss me. Even she tasted stale.
“Still pretending to be asleep. Did she have a fight with Logan?”
I should have told her then. She could have told her parents.
But Laura hadn’t told her, and it felt like a betrayal to tell Jess if that wasn’t what Laura wanted.
There was a big pause. The sea shushed in the background.
“Don’t know,” I said in the end. Jess sat there for a while, head on my shoulder listening to the guitar. The chords still echoed what I was thinking, tell, don’t tell. Then she pushed on my arm and stood.
“I’m going to have a shower.” She nodded over at her sleep out. “It’s sticky in there.”
“Okay.” I kept the chords rippling. Tell, don’t tell, said the little voices in the music.
Jess wandered off in her pyjamas and jandals. I watched her go, still trying to figure out what to do. Then I put the guitar down. I needed to talk to Laura. I’d find out if this was what she really wanted.
I went across to the next shed. I could see Jess’s footsteps in the dew on the deck. I turned the door handle and opened the door a crack.
“You, all right?” I asked the bundle of blankets on the bed.
“Go away,” said Laura.
“I just want to know.”
She turned over, eyes looking like she’s been crying all night. “What do you think?” The blankets slipped off her shoulders and huge bruises were all down her arms.
“Fuck.” Her father should have asked more questions last night. He’s the adult. We’re just the kids, and he found the boyfriend of one of his daughters sitting in a dark lounge waiting for the other daughter to come out of the shower. Not a lot of innocent explanations for that.
I broke all the house rules and went right inside the shed and shut the door. I figured I wouldn’t get caught, Denis was still asleep, his parents must be asleep too, I hadn’t heard any noises from the house. There was no sign of Luke and the others. Their tents were still zipped up. And Jess was in the shower.
Laura looked at her arms and bit her lip. “Shit,” she said.
“You need help; I’m getting your dad.” I opened the door again ready to go out.
“No, don’t tell.” She was still real fierce. “I don’t want anyone to know.”
I pointed at the bruises. “They’re going to see anyway.” Then her bloody dad came out the back door, and I’m half in and half out of Laura’s bedroom.
He considered me for a moment. “You lost, Isaac?”
Laura said from the bed, “Don’t say anything.” Fuck. “Please don’t say.” Laura looked at me from the bed, those eyes like Jess’s, pleading.
I knew I should tell. First rule in not letting the bullies win. Tell everyone and keep telling. It never worked in the past for me but that’s the rule. Her dad was hobbling across the grass. He forgot to put his jandals on.
“Your mum and dad will want to help you,” I said to Laura.
“No,” said Laura, and pulled the blankets up to her ears.
I gave in. “Just looking for Jess,” I said to her dad.
He stopped at the bottom of the step. “She’s inside, and if I was you, that’s where I’d be.” Then he added. “Right now,” in his best teacher, you’ve got just about ten seconds to do as you’re told and if you step out of line again, you’re in real shit, voice.
I didn’t say anything about his daughter hiding in bed covered in bruises. I went inside and waited for Jess to come out of the shower. Her dad came back inside after a while too. Her mum started making toast.
“Did you enjoy your party, Isaac?” asked Jess’s mum. The first lot of toast popped up and she brought it over to the table, holding it delicately like it was burning her fingers. She leaned it against the marmite.
“Yeah, it was good,” I lied.
“Whose idea was it to start jumping over the brazier?” asked Jess’s dad.
“Didn’t see,” I was lying again.
He gave me a look like I had started to get on his nerves. He knew I’d know. But what good does dobbing anyone in ever do?
He headed for the coffee machine and filled up the reservoir. “The front lawn looks like a bomb hit it,” he said.
Jess had finally got out of the shower and joined us. Her hair wet and dangling in clumps around her shoulders. She plunked down on the chair beside me. She probably didn’t feel as shady as I did, she didn’t drink anything all night. “It was those mates of Denis’s, they tipped it over. They’re idiots,” she said.
“No argument from me there,” said her father.
We had breakfast and slowly Luke, Tessa and the others emerged and joined us. Then Laura turned up wearing a long sleeve shirt. She looked like shit and still looked like she’d been crying.
I guess everyone put it down to Logan leaving suddenly in the middle of the night. I guess they thought there’d been a fight like Jess did.
But. This family can spend hours discussing even the smallest thing and this happens, and they ignore it. My mum and dad might control every breath I take
but at least there is some sort of safety net with them acting like the adults, and me being the kid.
Not here, not now.
I’m glad this holiday is nearly over.
Chapter Ten
Tuesday 21st January
A few days later Jess and I were on the beach.
“I need to go back to the bach and use the toilet,” said Jess.
“Okay.” I started walking back with her and saw Laura sitting on her own on the sand hill watching Jess and me together. She wasn’t a mouthy pain in the arse anymore. You could tell she’d curled up inside herself and was just waiting to leave here too.
And I remembered that wanting to curl up and be invisible and leave the world feeling. “I’ll stay here with Laura,” I said.
Jess looked at me a bit strange. I bet that’s something she’d never expected to hear me say. “Okay. Back in a minute.”
I climbed up the sandhill and sat beside Laura.
“Fuck off, Isaac,” she said. So, some of the mouthy, pain in the arse was still there.
“Nah, Murphy. I want to tell you something.”
“Here it comes.” Her hair flew around her face the way Jess’s does and she pushed it back. The shirt slipped off her shoulder and the bruises showed. She pushed it back in place too. “You still think I have to get help?”
“Nah,” I said.
“What then?”
“I know some of how you feel.”
“Have you been raped?” she asked real sarcastic.
“Nah,” I said. “Never been forced to have sex.”
“That’d be every boy’s dream, anyway wouldn’t it?” muttered Laura.
“Nah. Not me, but I know Logan’s an arsehole.”
“How?”
“Personal experience.” I sat there beside her, elbows on knees playing with a shell, not looking at her and told her about Logan and his mates making my life a misery for the whole of years 9 and 10. She listened to this list of beatings, getting tipped off my bike and breaking my arm and getting pissed on if they caught me in the toilets.
“Jesus, Isaac,” she said.
Then I told about getting jostled and getting my stuff stolen and wrecked. And shit smeared on my bag and the name calling and having to watch out for them all the time. That’s why I was so wary of them on the ute at New Year’s Eve.
“Fuck,” she said and slid her arm around my waist. “When did it stop?”
“It’s still there. But I’ve got mates now and it’s harder to beat up a group of people.”
“Why did they do it?”
“I’m a fag apparently.”
“So, you decide to wear makeup all the time?”
“Some of that is, fuck them.”
“I can understand that.”
“Yeah, but all that stuff just made me want to hide from the world.”
“Did you tell?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I put the shell down and chose another. “I did at first, but it just made Logan and his mates madder, and it doesn’t take long for the teachers to get sick of dealing with that stuff and they start blaming you.”
“I’ve seen that happen.” She looked at me with eyes so much like Jess’s. “So, we’ve both been fucked by Logan.”
I gave a snort. She might be as tough as she acted.
“Yeah, Murphy, I guess so.”
“Have you told Jess?”
“Nah, I don’t want Jess to know. I don’t want her to look at me that way. I don’t want anyone to know actually.”
“But you’ve told me?” Laura looked puzzled.
“Yeah.”
She gave a nod and rested her head on my shoulder. I tilted my head enough to rub my cheek on her hair.
We sat there for a moment, just quiet.
“Jess is so lucky,” she said.
I turned and there was her dad on the front lawn watching us. “Isaac, Laura, come inside, it’s lunchtime.” He stayed at the bottom of the sand hill, watching me and Laura stand up and brush the sand off ourselves. We walked down the hill towards him. Then he herded us back into the bach.
After that, Laura was still pretty quiet. The bruises on her arm started to fade but I don’t think the bruises on her soul did. She never said anything, but she didn’t join in either.
She was just there. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Until she could leave I think.
Sunday 26th January
Mum was coming to pick me up. I’d packed up and was sitting on the steps of the sleepout. I’d been getting the journal up to date. Laura came over and sat beside me. Jess had gone inside to get us something to eat.
“What are you writing?” Laura nodded at the journal. I shut it. A fair bit of what I’d been writing lately was the whole Laura/Logan thing.
“Homework.”
Laura rolled her eyes. “School’s over.”
I shrugged. “Collins is teaching me how to write lyrics. I’m making sure I’ve got something to show him when I get back.” It was only half true, Collins never looked at the journal, but it was where I got ideas for the lyrics he was helping with.
Laura looked at me like I needed studying. “You write songs?”
“Yeah.”
“Play one for me.”
I gave my cheek a scratch. “Just like that?” Laura had never shown any interest the music before. In fact, when I first arrived, the whole guitar/music/ band thing, was part of the weirdest kid in the school scenario.
“Yeah,” she said.
“Okay.” I got up and took the journal over to my gear and zipped it away in my bag. The guitar was leaning against the wall of the sleepout with the rest of my gear. I grabbed it and went back to her.
“What do you want to hear?” I sat down again.
Jess came out of the back door, a plate of sandwiches in her hand. She joined me and Laura and offered Laura a sandwich.
“Play Shadows and Lace.” It was still Jess’s favourite.
“Okay.” I checked the guitar’s tuning then played the opening chords. I sung it quietly. I’m not too sure about the lyrics now. I liked them when I wrote them. Now I know more and I think they’re a bit obvious.
But Laura and Jess listened, munching through the sandwiches. At the end I put the guitar down and grabbed the last sandwich off the plate.
Laura hadn’t said anything.
Jess stood up. “It’s good isn’t it,” she asked Laura.
Laura nodded, and she looked like she was going to cry. I realised I’d just played her a song about having sex. I probably should have chosen something else.
Jess grabbed the plate. “I’ll take this inside and get some more. Mum’s made heaps. Do you want something to drink Isaac?”
“Coke?”
“Okay. Laura?”
Laura nodded, and Jess bounced off to the bach. Laura brushed sandwich crumbs off her singlet top and her legs then looked at me. “That’s what it is meant to be like isn’t it?”
I shrugged. I’m no expert on making love, but that’s what it’s like for me with Jess. It touches my soul.
Laura wiped her hands on her legs. “Jess said you’re going to university in Auckland to study music this year?”
“Yeah.”
“And you want to be a musician?”
“It’s the dream.” I don’t say it out loud to too many people. It sounds a bit up yourself.
She tipped her head to one side. Her hair swung around those breasts she’s got that Jess hasn’t, and she studied me again.
“Are all your songs like that?”
“Like what?”
“About sex?”
“Yeah.” I picked up the guitar again and picked out a few chords. “I’ve got other interests, but water skiing is bloody hard to write a good lyric about.”
And a laugh burst out of her. It was the first time I’d heard her laugh since Logan left. We hadn’t talked about what happened to her since that morning on the sandhill when her dad came and got us.
“Are you all
right now?” I asked, and for a moment it looked like she was going to pretend she didn’t know what I meant. Then she shrugged and nodded. Jess was coming out the back door again, sandwiches and two cans of Coke in her hands and another tucked under her elbow.
“Coming right, I think,” said Laura. Mum’s car turned into the driveway. “It will be better when I get back to Auckland.”
Can you really run away from something like that?
“We’ll both be there.” It hadn’t occurred to me before.
“Yeah,” said Laura. “We’ll have to catch up for coffee some time.” She sounded sarcastic.
Jess handed me my can of Coke. “Time for you to go home, Isaac. I’ll see you next week?” Jess’s family were staying on a few more days, then Jess would be home too.
I got my gear and stuck it in the boot of Mum’s car. “See you.”
I go to get in the car.
“Hey, Coleman, a bit of advice,” said Laura.
I turned back and she’s grinning.
“Yeah?” I asked.
“If Dad ever wants to hear something you’ve written, sing the one about water skiing.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
Wednesday 29th January
Jess just rang. Fuck. I need to go and see her. Right now.
Chapter Eleven
Saturday 1st February
When Jess rang, I told Mum it was Luke on the phone, something about Stadium, and I needed to borrow her car. I got in the car and drove around a bit. I just knew I couldn’t face Jess yet but didn’t want to be at home. I really couldn’t figure out what to do. I didn’t to go to Luke’s place either, so I ended up at old Collins’s house. I knocked on his door.
“Isaac? To what do I owe this pleasure?” Collins looked surprised. It was the end of January, and I hadn’t been to see him since Christmas. Even then, I didn’t turn up uninvited.
I shrugged and didn’t say anything. I couldn’t figure out why I was there. There was no way I was going to be writing lyrics after that phone call.
“Do you want to come in?” asked Collins.
I nodded. We went into his kitchen, and I slumped on a chair.
