DEAR COCA-COLA
Copyright © Terry Ravenscroft, 2011
A RAZZAMATAZZ PUBLICATION
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About the author
The day after Terry Ravenscroft threw in his mundane factory job to write television comedy scripts he was involved in a car accident which left him unable to turn his head. Since then he has never looked back. Born in New Mills, Derbyshire, in 1938, he still lives there with his wife Delma and his mistress Divine Bottom (in his dreams).
email [email protected]
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Also by Terry Ravenscroft
FOOTBALL CRAZY
CAPTAIN’S DAY
JAMES BLOND - STOCKPORT IS TOO MUCH
INFLATABLE HUGH
DEAR AIR 2000
LES DAWSON’S CISSIE AND ADA
STAIRLIFT TO HEAVEN
I’M IN HEAVEN
THE RAZZAMATAZZ FUN EBOOK
ZEPHYR ZODIAC
Sample pages of each of these titles can be read at the end of this book.
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AUTHOR'S NOTE
DEAR COCA-COLA
Note. All the letters to the food and drink companies and their letters to me are entirely genuine. Not a word, including the spelling/grammar mistakes, has been altered.
T Ravenscroft (Mr) would like to thank the food and drink companies and their staff who replied to his letters, often with patience above and beyond the call of duty, and without whom this book would not have been possible. He would especially like to thank the Coca-Cola Company for the use of the name of their incredibly popular drink for the title of the book.
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17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
28th April
Coca-Cola and Schweppes Beverages
Uxbridge
Dear Coca-Cola
Coca-Cola is the favoured drink in our household, whether guzzled in vast quantities by my three
sons, consumed in the diet version by my wife, or drunk freely by myself - albeit generally with a generous measure of rum in it. We rarely imbibe in anything else as I have always encouraged my family to drink it ever since I was witness to a demonstration in which an old coin had been left in a glass of Coca-Cola only to emerge twelve hours later looking as though it were brand spanking new. I thought to myself at the time ‘If Coca-Cola can clean up and old coin like that, just think what a wonderful job it will do of keeping my intestines clear,’ and my family and I have been drinking it ever since.
What I particularly like about Coca-Cola is that it is so consistent. What you see is what you get, as they say. As I was only remarking the other day to a chap at the dentists where I’d taken two of my sons - Henry to have a couple of teeth out and Marcus for twelve fillings - ‘Thank God there is one drink on the market that you can depend on.’
Could I ask a favour of you? We will shortly be having friends visit us for a few days and they are very strict vegetarians. Coca-Cola will be available to them by the bucketful of course, but naturally I wouldn’t like to offer them anything which might be at odds with their vegetarian beliefs. I am of course aware that the recipe of Coca-Cola is a closely-guarded secret but, with the above in mind, I would be most grateful if you could let me know whether or not there is anything of animal origin in Coca-Cola?
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
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Coca-Cola Great Britain
20 May
Mr T Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Mr Ravenscroft
Thank you for your letter of 28th April. I have only just received your letter today and so I must apologise for this delayed reply.
Your letter was originally received by Coca-Cola and Schweppes Beverages who then forwarded it on to myself. I hope that you will receive this reply before the arrival of your visitors as I am pleased to confirm that Coca-Cola does not contain any ingredients of animal origin.
I hope you and your family will continue to enjoy the refreshing taste of Coca-Cola and thank you for your interest in the products of The Coca-Cola Company.
Yours sincerely
T S Dean
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17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
9th June
T S Dean
Coca-Cola Great Britain
1 Queen Caroline Street
London
Dear T S Dean
Thank you for your letter of 20th May. In fact my friends Arnold and Concepta are staying with us at the moment, so immediately I received your letter I offered them a Coca-Cola. Both of them however declined the offer and gave me a funny look. I then showed them your letter, but they still couldn't be tempted, and refused to say why. I then told them that they didn't know what they were missing. Arnold said he knew exactly what they were missing, which was why he was intent on missing it, and that they never drank Coca-Cola. When I asked him why he said it was because one of its ingredients is coca, a substance which is derived from the dried leaves of the coca plant, a South American shrub (Erythroxylon Coca), which is used to make the illegal drug cocaine. I told him not to be so silly as I’d once seen Michael Jackson promoting it on a television commercial, and that whilst Michael Jackson may well have been accused of anything from playing hide the sausage with young boys to trying to gradually turn himself into a white man he was definitely not the sort of person who would promote a beverage whose ingredients included an illegal substance.
However Arnold insisted that this is the case. Personally I think he's talking a load of hogwash - he's a social worker - but I must confess that I've often wondered why it is that a can of Coke can put me on a high whilst no other drink can do this.
Is it possible that Arnold could be telling the truth?
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
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Coca-Cola Great Britain
2 July
Mr T Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Mr Ravenscroft
Thank you for your letter of 9 June.
We can confirm that cocaine is not contained in Coca-Cola or in any other product of The Coca-Cola Company. The products of The Coca-Cola Company available in the United Kingdom are listed below.
Coca-Cola
Cherry Coke
diet Coke
caffeine-free diet Coke
Sprite
Sprite light
Lilt Pineapple and Grapefruit
diet Lilt Pineapple and Grapefruit
Lilt Mandarin and Mango
diet Lilt Mandarin and Mango
Fanta Orange
diet Fanta Orange
Five Alive Citrus
Five Alive Mediterranean
Five Alive Orchard Fruits
Five Alive Tropical
Five Alive Lite
With regard to your query on the coca plant, decocainized coca extract is a flavouring ingredient approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration under its listing of natural ingredients “generally recognised as safe” and also by the Council of Europe, The Flavour Extract Manufacturers Association (FEMA) and the International Organisation of Flavour Industries (IOFI). If you have concerns about coca extract may I suggest you contact one of the above organisations for further information. I hope this information is helpful to you and thank you for your interest in the products of the Coca-Cola Company.
Yours sincerely
T S Dean
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17 Lingland Road
New Mills<
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CHESHIRE
4th July
T S Dean
Coca-Cola Great Britain
1 Queen Caroline Street
London
Dear T S Dean
Thank you for your letter of 2nd July. I showed it to my friend Arnold and he asked me to apologise to you on his behalf.
My elder son Marcus also saw your letter and expressed a great deal of interest in it. He will be leaving school this year and has intimated to me that he would like to work for the Coca-Cola Company. He even knows which job he would like to do - operating the apparatus which removes the cocaine from the coca extract. This is the first time he has ever shown any interest in work whatsoever, so naturally I am keen to encourage him. With this in mind perhaps you could send me a job application form for him?
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
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Coca-Cola Great Britain
18 July
Mr T Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Mr Ravenscroft
Thank you for your letter of 4 July .
There are limited openings in the Company at the moment. However, your son is welcome to send a curriculum vitae to me and I shall give it to the staffing director in this office.
Once again thank you for your interest.
Yours sincerely
T S Dean
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17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
4th July
Ferrero Ltd
Rickmansworth
Herts
Dear Ferrero
On the recommendation of a friend I recently purchased a jar of your Nutella Hazlenut Chocolate Spread. It was quite tasty, but despite going through it with a fine toothcomb I could find no trace of any hazelnuts whatsoever. Is it possible I got a faulty jar?
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
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FERRERO
15 April
Mr T Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Mr Ravenscroft
Thank you for your recent letter regarding hazelnuts in Nutella.
In the production process for Nutella there are rollers that grind the paste until it is smooth. That is why you cannot feel the nuts.
Thank you for writing and I now enclose a jar which I hope you will enjoy.
Yours sincerely
Karen Davies
Customer Relations Department
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K
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
18th April
Karen Davies
Ferrero UK Ltd
Rickmansworth
Herts
Dear Karen Davies
Thank you for your letter of 15th April and the free jar of Nutella. Yes, I am sure I will enjoy it – the quality of Nutella was never in any doubt, it was just that as your label said 'Hazelnut Chocolate Spread' I not unreasonably expected something with nuts in it. Maybe you should consider making your label a little clearer in this regard?
Now I have some good news for you! I believe you may have accidentally stumbled on a really exciting new advertising slogan for your product. It is contained in the last sentence of your letter. I refer of course to your phrase 'You cannot feel the nuts!' (The exclamation mark is mine.) It definitely has a ring to it, that certain je ne sais quoi which all great advertising slogans have, a sort of cross between 'You can't tell Stork from butter' and 'Nuts, whole hazelnuts, Cadburys make 'em and they cover them with chocolate'. If you were to use this slogan in a television commercial I am quite sure the sales of Nutella would hit the roof. Comedy is used to great effect in commercials these days, so might I suggest the following:-
SCENE: A SULTAN'S HAREM.
A EUNUCH IS SPOONING NUTELLA INTO HIS MOUTH DIRECTLY FROM THE JAR, WITH OBVIOUS ENJOYMENT. ONE OF THE SULTAN'S WIVES, SCANTILY-DRESSED IN BRA AND DIAPHANOUS PANTALOONS, IS FONDLING THE EUNUCH IN THE GROIN AREA OF HIS TROUSERS. THEY TURN TO THE CAMERA IN UNISON AND SAY: -
“You cannot feel the nuts!”
Or is that a bit too saucy? I look forward to hearing from you with your comments.
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
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FERRERO
1923) 890566
21 April
Mr T Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Mr Ravenscroft
Thank you for your second letter regarding Nutella.
I will pass your suggestion for the new Nutella advertisement on to my colleagues in theMarketing Department.
Once again, thank you for taking the time and trouble to write.
Yours sincerely
Karen Davies
Customer Relations Department
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17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
18th March
Ena Baxter
Baxters of Speyside Ltd
Fochabers
Moray
Scotland
Dear Baxter's Soup
I have been buying your Cock-a-Leekie soup for many years, and an absolutely splendid soup it is too. It is with no small regret then that I must now make a complaint about it; for on opening my most recent can, taste buds at the ready and appetite fully whetted, I was surprised to discover that the contents of the can were ninety per cent rice. Now I like rice as much as the next man - as long as the next man isn't a Chinaman of course - but ninety per cent is a bit too much rice even for a man who likes rice.
There is no doubt a fault with your rice dispenser and you would do well to have it checked out. Fortunately I had another can of Cock-a-Leekie in the cupboard, and I am happy to report that on opening it I found it to be well up to Baxters usual excellent standard.
I am sure that being Scottish you will be glad to learn that the original faulty can wasn't wasted. Parsimony as well as necessity being the mother of invention, I drained off what little liquid there was, added milk and sugar to taste, and had it as a rice pudding for afters. And very nice it was too, the slight chicken flavour of the rice adding a little extra interest to what can sometimes be a rather dull pudding. In fact, thinking about it, if you ever feel the urge to add puddings to your catalogue of culinary goodies you could do a lot worse than market it yourselves. Maybe you could call it 'Cock-of-Puddings'?
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
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BAXTERS
24 March
Reference : 20517
Mr Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Mr Ravenscroft
Thank you for your letter of 18 March, to which Mrs Ena Baxter has asked me to give my immediate, personal attention. May I first of all say how concerned we are to learn of your disappointment with our Cock-a-Leekie Soup which you purchased recently.
Dear Coca-Cola Page 1
