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Birds Eye Wall’s
14 May
Mr T Ravenscroft
23Hillside View
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Mr Ravenscroft,
Thank you for your letter about our boil-in-bag kippers. As you have discovered, we do not export these to anywhere in Europe; I think the whole concept is essentially British.
The result which you get from the Birds Eye product is not actually imparted by the plastic itself and this would account for the fact that you cannot get such a good result if you add a plastic bag to the water when you cook kippers abroad. The flavour and succulence of these kippers is largely due to the fact that they are packed into the sealed bag (together with butter pat) and then quick frozen immediately after curing. The quick freezing ensures that the fish is kept really fresh tasting, and this taste is preserved by the fact that nothing is lost in the water and steam which is involved in boiling or poaching in an open pan.
You do not say whether the kippers you buy abroad are ready frozen, but I suspect that they are not. So it is not possible from this point of view to simulate the flavour. But it is possible to buy very strong, boilable plastic bags in which you can create your own boil-in-bag dishes. You simply put the raw - frozen or unfrozen - fish or meat into the bag, adding butter or other seasoning and excluding as much air as you can, then secure the neck of the bag with a strong wire tie or a heat sealer. It can then be boiled in the normal way. But sadly even this would not guarantee that you will get the unique Birds Eye effect because obviously the quality of the fish itself is likely to be variable.
I hope this is helpful
LINDA BELL
Assistant Consumer Services Manager
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
21st May
Linda Bell
Bird's Eye Wall's Ltd
Walton-on- Thames
Dear Linda Bell
Thank you for your letter of 14th May.
I took your advice and made myself some do-it-yourself boil-in-the-bag kippers. I bought some kippers from my local fishmonger, who assured me that they were of the finest quality, put them in a strong plastic bag with a generous pat of Lurpak - I wouldn’t insult them with ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter - excluded all the air, then sealed them with my wife's steam iron. (If I do any more I will have to think of something else, because after using the iron the following day my wife complained that her leotard smelt of fish).
I am afraid that the result was a bit of a disappointment, as the kippers did not reach your high standard. However I then tried an experiment, boiling a pair of kippers, which I had purchased at the same time, with one of your boil-in-the-bag plastic bags. These kippers tasted exactly the same as yours! It wasn't just my imagination either, because in order to test my findings I then boiled two Aunt Bessie's Individual Yorkshire Puddings, one in an ordinary plastic bag and one in one of your plastic bags, and the one boiled in your plastic bag tasted far superior.
It would appear then that your plastic bags have a greater influence on the taste of your kippers than you give them credit for. With this in mind I was wondering if I could purchase a quantity of them from you?
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
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Birds Eye Wall’s
11 June
Mr T Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Mr Ravenscroft,
Thank you for your further letter about getting the authentic boil-in-bag taste with your kippers. I am sorry that my suggestions did not give you a satisfactory result.
I very much regret that we are not able to supply you with some of these bags. Quite apart from anything else, it would be impossible for us to donate any items of packaging, not so much because of its value but because our production plants simply do not have the human resource which would be needed to extract these items from pallets, pack them up, address and despatch them on a regular basis. But in any case the bags are not preformed; we buy the all this type of polythene packaging on a roll and the machine which packs the products also shapes and seals the bags.
I am sorry to disappoint you. I fear you will have to keep on buying the Birds Eye brand for complete satisfaction.
LINDA BELL
Assistant Consumer Services Manager
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
17th June
Linda Bell
Bird's Eye Wall's Ltd
Walton-on- Thames
Dear Linda Bell
Thank you for your letter of 11th June. However you don't shake off a boil-in-the-bag kipper fan as easily as that! Regarding your point about your inability to supply me on a regular basis, there would be no need for you to do this as I will quite happily take a lifetimes supply at one go. I have worked out my requirements, and, assuming that I live to be eighty (which I am sure to do if I continue to eat Bird's Eye Boil-in-the-bag Kipper Fillets!), I will need a roll of polythene 2125 metres long by one metre wide.
Fortunately I will be in the Walton-on-Thames area on the 1st of August, so I will pop into your factory to pick it up. In the meantime if you could let me know the cost I will put you a cheque in the post.
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
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Birds Eye Wall’s
07 July
Mr T Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Mr Ravenscroft,
Thank you for your further letter on the subject of boil-in-bag kippers. I am very sorry that we are not able to help you by supplying some of the material. We receive a number of requests for packaging - tubs, plates, foil trays and so on - but unfortunately do not have the mechanisms by which we can respond to these requests.
Incidentally, the address here at Walton-on-Thames is an office, not a factory, so there is no stock of any packaging material held here.
Please accept our apologies once again.
LINDA BELL
Assistant Consumer Services Manager
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
10th July
Linda Bell
Bird's Eye Wall's Ltd
Walton-on- Thames
Dear Linda Spoilsport Bell
I really expected better from a company whose products I buy at least five times a week. I will never eat Bird's Eye Boil-in-the-bag Kipper Fillets again!
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
21st April
Bernard Matthews Foods Ltd
Norwich
Norfolk
Dear Bernard Matthews
Very surprisingly I have a complaint to make about your Willy Whales. I say surprisingly because, although I am not personally familiar with your turkey products, preferring my turkey only at Christmas and with traditional chestnut stuffing and oven chips, my three children absolutely love them.
The complaint comes from my middle son Henry, who says that your Willy Whales taste fishy. Now it must be admitted that Henry has not the most discerning of palates, far too much junk food passes his lips for him to be able to claim that, but I tried a bite of a Willy Whale myself and I must say I agree with him.
I realise of course that your turkeys are fed fish products, and that this can lead to your turkey meat usually tasting a bit of the fishy side, but the turkey meat in your Willy Whales was extremely fishy indeed. Maybe you could offer up an explanation for this?
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
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Bernard Matthews
7th May
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Mr T Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Mr Ravenscroft,
Thank you for your letter concerning a pack of Willy Whales you recently purchased. We are indeed sorry that it was necessary for you to contact us and we are pleased to be given the opportunity to resolve the matter.
Willy Whales are one of the products from our fish range and as the packaging states are "crunchy golden whale shapes made from selected flaked white fish". However, if your son was expecting a turkey product, we can certainly appreciate his concern.
In the circumstances we have pleasure in enclosing our cheque for £10.00 and we feel certain you will receive every satisfaction from our products in the future.
Yours sincerely, for
BERNARD MATTHEWS FOODS LTD.
ANNE PETERS
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
15th May
Your ref BM9710099-1
Anne Peters
Bernard Matthews Foods Ltd
Norwich
Dear Anne Peters
Thank you for your letter of 7th May, and the cheque for £10.00. At first I was going to return it, as I don't normally accept charity. However on this occasion I decided to keep it as compensation for a bad experience I had the only time I ever tried one of your Lamb Roasts.
Turning to the matter of your Willy Whales it would seem that I owe you an apology. My wife has since bought another packet and you are quite right, the packet does state that they are 'crunchy golden whale shapes'. I must say I feel you are being a bit ambitious in likening them to a whale though, because if Willy Whales are indeed whale-shaped then the whale in question belongs to a species of whale that I certainly have never come across. In fact to my eyes your Willy Whales are just as likely to be taken for willies as they are for whales.
It is quite amazing how one's opinion can change once in possession of all the facts, isn't it. Before I received your letter I thought that Willy Whales were turkey pieces that tasted a bit like fish. Now I know they are made of fish however my perception of them is completely different, because I can categorically say that they are fish pieces that taste a bit like turkey. Do you think this could be because you deep-fry them in the same fat in which you fry your turkey products?
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
NO REPLY!
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
25th April
Bisto Foods
Middlewich
Cheshire
Dear Bisto Foods
Last week my wife inadvertently put a pair of my middle son Henry's trousers into a bucket of water to soak, prior to washing them. It later transpired that there was a packet of your Bisto Gravy Granules in one of the pockets. Unfortunately there were also six pairs of my white underpants in the bucket, and, after being soaked overnight, they became brown underpants. (Why on earth my wife finds it necessary to soak my underpants prior to washing them is a mystery that only she knows the answer to). However, after being put through the washer my underpants more or less reverted back to white, but had taken on a distinct smell of gravy. Now I quite like the smell of gravy, but not on my underpants, and yesterday on my walk from the railway station a dog followed me all the way home.
The thing is, I'm sure that your workers clothes must become permeated with the smell of Bisto Gravy Granules and take on the similar 'Bisto Gravy' smell of my underpants, so I was wondering if you could ask them how they get rid of the smell, and let me know?
I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
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BISTO FOODS
21st May
Mr T Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Mr Ravenscroft,
Thank you for your recent letter regarding an enquiry about our product Bisto Gravy Granules. We were most interested in your letter due to the unusual nature of the information you required.
We have enquired with the industrial laundry that launder our protective workwear and they have assured us that normal domestic washing soap or detergents and washing machines will remove any of the food flavours and colours used in our products.
Yours sincerely,
J K HANSON
CONSUMER SERVICES
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
27th May
J K Hanson
Bisto Foods
Middlewich
Cheshire
Dear J K Hanson
Since writing to you on 25th April something quite remarkable has happened. It's rather personal, so I would appreciate it if you would keep it to yourself. The thing is, the day after writing to you my wife and I made love, it being Saturday, after Match of the Day. My wife although very appreciative, has up to now always been a silent lover, but her beauty more than makes up for her lack of vocal enthusiasm. However on this occasion, and but a few seconds into the act, she emitted a quite loud and appreciative 'Aaaaaah.' This of course pleased me immensely. My joy was short-lived however, because almost immediately afterwards she followed the 'Aaaaaah' with a cry of 'Bisto!'
What had apparently happened was that she had caught a whiff of my Bisto-impregnated underpants. Initially I was a little put out to say the least, what with my efforts at love-making coming second in the appreciation stakes to a jar of gravy granules, but we carried on and it turned out to be the most satisfying bout of sex we have had in our entire married life.
Since then I have worn Bisto-flavoured underpants to bed every night, and our sex life has been utterly transformed. Rather than try to remove the smell of Bisto from my underpants I now ensure that they are always given a good soaking in 'Bisto water' prior to being washed. (Despite what you say in your letter about normal domestic washing soap removing the smell, it does tend to linger).
Why the smell of Bisto turns my wife on I neither know nor care. Maybe it is the 'animal' smell of it. I would be interested to know if you have ever come across this sort of thing before, as I am considering using it as the subject of a speech I will soon be giving to the New Mills Young Mothers Group.
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
NO REPLY!
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
26th April
G Costa and Co Ltd
Aylesford
Kent
ME20 7NA
Dear G Costa
My wife is forever making disparaging remarks about my breath and pointedly leaving Clorets round the house, so you can imagine my delight when I read on a can of your Blue Dragon Water Chestnuts that they “are considered 'yin', and cooling, and are thought to sweeten the breath.” Here we go, I said to myself, cool sweet breath, just the thing to quieten her. So the following day I stir-fried the whole of the contents of the can with some diced squid, about half-a-dozen cloves of garlic, four slices of root ginger, and a dessertspoonful of five spice powder, and ate the lot with some Bachelors Aromatic Rice. Then, confident in the knowledge that my breath would pass muster, I walked up to my wife and planted a smacker full on her lips. She kicked me! At a loss as to her behaviour, I asked her why. She told me that I smelled like a drain.
Dear Coca-Cola Page 11
