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****
CAPTAIN’S DAY
The problems posed by having a transvestite on the course were as nothing however once Philip had gone through the operation that transformed him into, if not a whole woman, then minus a set of male genitalia a whole woman. For it was then that Philip Hill, now Phyllis Hill, sought to play in the ladies’ competitions, rather than the men's. Not surprisingly the Sunnymere ladies’ section would not even contemplate the proposition. As far as they were concerned Phyllis Hill was still very much a man. That he was a man now minus a penis and testicles, in addition to being the proud owner, thanks to hormone treatment, of a pair of small but blossoming breasts, didn’t even enter into the argument. The way the ladies saw it was that although Philip Hill may very well no longer have male genitalia he certainly still had the same muscular six feet two inch frame that he’d had before, as well as the two strong arms of the plasterer’s mate he had been (and still was) for the last fifteen years, and therefore had an unfair advantage when it came to propelling a golf ball round the course, especially off the ladies’ tees.
In an effort to reach some sort of compromise Phyllis had offered to play in the ladies’ competitions but off the men's tees, but to no avail. The ladies would not allow her to play in their competitions full stop, and that was the end of the matter. The club chairman George Grover had pointed out to the ladies’ committee, as delicately as he could, that Phyllis now had a vagina and bigger breasts than his wife, in fact bigger breasts than quite a number of the lady members, but the ladies had been adamant in their rejection of the new member without a member.
Amazon Readers review:-
This is a very funny book. It will be enjoyed by golfers and non golfers alike. In fact if Captains day was like this in real life, lots more would take up the game. Refreshingly non pc with events that only the author could ever think of. Great fun and I doubt you have ever read anything like it before. – Cornishblue.
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****
DEAR AIR 2000
17 Lingland Rd
New Mills
Cheshire
19th March 2006
Air UK Ltd
Stansted Airport
Essex
Dear Air UK
I recently travelled with your airline, and what an exciting experience it was! It was the very first time that I have ever flown, but you can rest assured I will be flying with Air UK on many more occasions in the future if my first experience was anything to go by.
Everything about the flight was excellent - although I believe Air 2000 could give
you a run for your money as far as the in-flight catering goes with their truly mouth-watering lasagne - but what excited me the most was the sight of your stewardesses. How lovely they looked in their smart Air UK uniforms!
And this gets me to the point of my letter. Is it possible to buy an Air UK stewardess uniform? I’m sure that if my wife owned one and she wore it at the appropriate time it would be all that was needed to but a bit of spice back into
our sex life. I look forward eagerly to your reply.
Yours sincerely
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
Air UK’s reply follows
Amazon Reader’s Review:-
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this book, couldn’t put it down. Mad-cap humour at its best. My only criticism is that it was too short, I got through it in a day. Going off now to see what else this guy has written that I might enjoy. Highly recommended. - ketch29
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****
LES DAWSON’S CISSIE AND ADA
WE DISCOVER CISSIE AND ADA IN AN ART GALLERY.
ADA: This isn’t doing my feet any good, they feel like a couple of globe artichokes.
CISSIE: Oh stop complaining will you, we have a lot to get through yet.
THEY WALK ON. SUDDENLY ADA SEES A STATUE OF A NAKED GREEK GOD. IT STOPS HER IN HER TRACKS.
ADA: Ooooooh! (SHE QUICKLY COVERS CISSIE’S EYES AND TRIES TO WALK HER PAST THE STATUE)
CISSIE: What the….what do you think you’re playing at, Ada
ADA: Just keep walking, Cissie.
CISSIE PUSHES ADA’S HANDS AWAY
CISSIE: Get your hands off me, you daft…. (SHE SEES THE STATUE)…oooh! Oh I say.
ADA: Well I did try to save you from it.
CISSIE: Yes. Thank you Ada, love.
ADA: Disgusting, isn’t it.
CISSIE: Positively scandalous.
THEY BOTH CARRY ON LOOKING AT THE STATUE, UTTERLY TRANSFIXED, IN AWE.
CISSIE: I wonder who sculpted it?
ADA: I don’t know, but he wasn’t short of clay.
CISSIE: It could be Moore, I suppose.
ADA: Oh not much more, surely.
CISSIE: I meant Henry Moore, the sculptor! Or on second thoughts it could be Rodin. He did 'The Thinker' you know.
ADA: Well that would give you something to think about, that's for sure.
CISSIE: Honestly Ada, your mind! You’ve got a point though, because he’s certainly a big lad and no mistake.
ADA: I thought he had three legs at first.
CISSIE: I wonder what it’s called? (SHE NOTICES A PLAQUE AND LEANS FORWARD TO READ IT)
ADA: Be careful Cissie, it could poke your eye out.
CISSIE: (READS OFF THE PLAQUE) It’s called ‘Waiting’.
ADA: Yes and he’d be waiting a hell of a long time if he was mine. Hey, can you keep a secret, Cissie?
The sketch continues.
Just a few of many YouTube quotes in praise of Cissie & Ada:-
‘I'm aching from laughing! Pure genius!’
‘What great acting and great scriptwriting! ’
‘This is probably the funniest clip of these two ever. "Were you 'virgo intacta'?" "No just bed and breakfast." ’
‘Was drinking a cup of tea when Ada said she was approaching the change. When Cissie said "From which direction?" I lost it as I spat a mouthful of tea across the room. Classic, brilliant comedy. ’
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****
STAIRLIFT TO HEAVEN
.......You have to take your opportunities for a bit of fun when and wherever you find them so when I noticed a man of about my age approaching in the opposite direction I picked up the Zimmer Frame, twirled it round my head a couple of times, and heaved it into the distance. It had not long since been announced that Britain had been granted the 2012 Olympic Games, and with it the Paralympics, and it was probably this, and the thought I’d just had about cripples taking up their bed and walking, that put the idea into my head.
After I’d gone to recover the Zimmer Frame and started to walk back with it the man had stopped and now looked on, puzzled. I turned to him and said, a little self-critically: “Not bad.”
His face was a picture of inquisitiveness. “What on earth are you doing?”
“Training for the Paralympics.”
“Pardon?”
“Throwing the Zimmer Frame," I explained. .”It's a new event. Apparently the host country can pick an entirely new event and Britain has chosen Throwing the Zimmer Frame. It just nudged out the Hop, Hop and Hop for the one-legged I believe."
I returned with the Zimmer to the spot from which I'd thrown it. Two twirls round my head and I launched it again. This time it went about five yards farther.
"Quite an improvement," the man observed, approvingly.
"Yes, must be close to my PB that one," I said, pleased with myself. “That’s Personal Best,” I explained.
"Yes I know, I’m a fan of athletics,” he said. He thought about it for a moment. “Can
anyone enter?"
I shrugged as though I didn’t really know. "Well I suppose.” I qualified this. “You need a Zimmer Frame of course." I had a thought. “It’s possible you could get a grant; you might be able to get funding for one if you show you any promise. I’m sure I’ve heard of pole-vaulters getting grants for fibre glass poles.”
I retrieved the Zimmer and made to throw it again.
"Can I have a go?" asked the man.
I handed him the Zimmer Frame. He drew his arm back and threw it as hard as he could. It landed a good ten yards farther than my last effort.
"You're a natural," I said.
“Wasn’t bad was it,” said the man, pleased. “For a first stab at it.”
First stab at it! I had him hooked. I commenced to reel him in. "I tell you what,” I said. “Why don't you get a Zimmer Frame of your own and join me? Apparently there'll be an individual competition and a pairs, one of you throws the Zimmer and the other one throws it back, sort of piggy in the middle but without the piggy, plus a team event, the four man lob - I think that involves passing on the Zimmer to the next thrower like a baton, but we'd need another two for that. I train every morning at ten.".....
The story continues
Amazon Reader’s Review:-
Another exceptional read from Terry Ravenscroft. I could not put this book down, had me laughing out loud and receiving some odd looks! I have also read Dear Coca Cola and Dear Air 2000 and couldn't stop laughing....Mrs Mulzy
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****
THE RAZZAMATAZZ FUN EBOOK
The Razzamatazz Fun Ebook is a collection of sketches, stories, parodies, humorous newspaper and magazine advertisements, quizzes, games, new book announcements, job applications, travel brochures, restaurant menus, cookbooks, theme park ads, wedding lists, you name it you’ll probably find it inside. Plus an extensive comic encyclopaedia. An example:-
ABBA Immensely successful Swedish pop group whose name is made up from the initial letters of their Christian names, Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny and Anna-frid. A later Swedish pop group who used the same idea and whose Christian names were Tomas, Wilhelmina, Arnie, Trudi and Stefan were not nearly so popular.
Within the many pages of The Razzamatazz Fun EBook, the first eBook of its kind, you’ll discover what it’s like to travel with UneasyJet; answer the question Are you capable of bestiality?; read about the latest blockbusters from Northern Books (they’re grand!); enjoy a game of Lad’s Night Out, peruse the menu at top Indian restaurant A Passage to India, (and bottom restaurant A Back Passage to India) and read your horoscope with Your Stars by Delma. An example: -
Aries MAY 22 – JUNE 22 With the Moon in Pisces, the Sun in Aquarius, Jupiter in Neptune and your husband in bed with the au pair, it could be a tricky week for the fairer sex. However those born under the sign of Aries are nothing if not optimistic, and with Jupiter being in Leo, Pluto being in Cancer, your bank balance being in the red, your jewellery being in hock, and you being in the shit, you really won’t have the time to worry about it’.
All this and much, much more.
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****
Dear Coca-Cola Page 16
