Then. Now. Always.

by Isabelle Broom

  I see a single tear slide down Elaine’s cheek.

  ‘You won’t be,’ she says, smiling at me for confirmation, and I nod.

  ‘She’s right, you won’t.’

  ‘I’m scared,’ Nancy says again, and I fear my heart might split open inside my chest.

  ‘I know you are,’ I tell her, my voice choked. ‘But you won’t have to do it alone. You have me, and you have your mum and dad – and my mum.’

  ‘Your mum?’ Nancy is surprised, but I laugh and wipe my eyes.

  ‘Oh yes – she’s going to be over the bloody moon, trust me.’

  ‘What about James?’ Nancy insists, and I wish I had an answer for her that would fix that broken smile she keeps bravely trying to wear.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I tell her truthfully. ‘But at least now you won’t have to face him on your own.’

  ‘My friend Amy is after him,’ she says then, her voice faraway as she presumably detaches herself from the misery of those words. ‘I called her the other day and he was there, I could just tell.’

  ‘Perhaps he was reaching out?’ I suggest, attempting to soothe. ‘Try not to worry about him just yet, okay? We can deal with him later.’

  It’s easier said than put into action, though, and I’m relieved when Elaine takes over.

  ‘Can I paint you both?’ she asks, and we turn to her in surprise at the abrupt change of subject. ‘Don’t look so alarmed,’ Elaine chuckles, picking up her mug of tea. ‘I am an artist, you know.’

  ‘But you do landscapes,’ I say stupidly, and she grins.

  ‘Only because I’ve never found a human subject worth doing. Come on, it will be fun. We can go down to La Fuente before anyone else is up.’

  ‘You mean paint us now?’ Nancy is aghast. Even in her strange catatonic state, she’s realised that a grotty old T-shirt probably isn’t the best garment to be painted in, whereas I, in an even grittier twist of fate, am still wearing the shirt that I pinched from Theo’s wardrobe.

  ‘I can lend you a dress each?’ Elaine adds, taking in our anxious expressions, and to my surprise Nancy is the first to agree.

  ‘Go on, then,’ she says, reaching across to shake Elaine’s proffered hand. ‘It will be fun.’

  My initial confusion over Elaine’s motivations for painting us slips away about ten minutes after she’s positioned us down at La Fuente, and I watch as the tension seems to evaporate from my sister just like the water from the marble basins around us. What Elaine realised that I didn’t was that Nancy needed some quiet time to simply sit and think. I know, because I needed it, too, and there’s something about being down here in this particular spot, with the sound of the water running and the innate sense of history trickling through the very stone upon which we’re now sitting, that makes it perfect for contemplation. The story about Elaine’s baby, the confrontation with Theo, finding Nancy at the apartment, the argument with Tom and even the news that I’m going to be an auntie all take a quiet back seat in my mind, each problem patiently waiting its turn to come up and be examined in more detail. Some are more troubling than others, of course, and for Nancy there is only really one to consider. I imagine I can see the cogs whirring behind her eyes now as she gazes up towards where Elaine has set up her easel, the sound of her pencil against the sketch pad indecipherable behind the constantly trickling water.

  Rainbows dance in the air around us, and I see Nancy’s expression flicker as she notices them for the first time. How must it feel, I wonder, to know that you have another life inside you, one that you made? I’d always thought that it must seem alien and uncomfortable, but now it simply feels magical. Then again, Mojácar has a knack of doing that, of dusting those who discover it with its bewitching sense of mysticism and beauty. There has always been magic here, and now, finally, I have seen it in action.

  37

  It’s the final day of the shoot, so after an hour at La Fuente, I gently signal to Elaine that I need to go. After everything that’s happened, it doesn’t seem possible that normal life is continuing, but I know Theo – and nothing is likely to stand in the way of that man and his schedule. As far as he’s aware, everything between the two of us is absolutely fine, and I suppose it is, really. In fact, it feels like a relief not to have those raving butterflies in my gut at the thought of seeing him. He’s just a man, after all, a person that I shared an experience with and cared for – he’s not some sort of god.

  Elaine rolls up her paper before Nancy and I have the chance to check on her progress, and promises that she has enough to be going on with.

  ‘I can fill the rest in from memory,’ she assures us. ‘Believe it or not, mine is pretty good.’

  I don’t doubt that fact, but I wonder if it isn’t as much of a curse to her sometimes as a gift. There must be much that Elaine would rather forget, but she’s spent decades now remembering every small detail. That’s the way life works, though – some things stay with you always, while others are lost in the folds of time. There’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that this trip is one I will never forget, for so many reasons.

  Elaine pulls Nancy into her arms and gives her a hug, smiling at me over her shoulder as I suppress a yawn. It’s been a very long night, and I would give anything to be allowed to just lie down and sleep. Alas, there is work to be done.

  ‘Can I come and see you again before we leave?’ I ask Elaine.

  ‘And me,’ adds Nancy, rubbing her eyes.

  ‘Girls, you will always be welcome at my home – whenever you like,’ says Elaine, her kindness radiating off her like steam off a pudding. I’m just about to answer when I feel my phone begin to vibrate in my bag. Taking it out, I examine the screen and let out a little groan.

  ‘Hello.’

  ‘Hannah – where are you? Someone has broken the mirror in the apartment!’

  Claudette sounds genuinely concerned, and I let myself enjoy her discomfort for just a nanosecond before setting her straight. I may have forgiven her for Theo, but she does still owe me about twenty bottles of pilfered beer.

  ‘There’s nothing to worry about, Claudette,’ I tell her. ‘I’ll explain everything when we get back.’

  ‘Well, hurry up,’ she bosses. ‘We have to meet Theo in an hour.’

  Theo can wait for once, I think, but instead I promise her we’ll be ten minutes. When I hang up, Nancy is looking at me fearfully.

  ‘You won’t tell her, will you?’ She hesitates. ‘About the baby, I mean.’

  I shake my head. ‘Of course not. Nobody needs to know. I won’t even tell Tom, I promise.’

  We walk with Elaine to the midway point of the hill where the road forks up and away into the depths of the Old Town, then continue up the sloping pathway in companionable silence. It’s a beautiful day, and I can hear birds singing to each other as we head down the stone steps to the apartment. The bushes bristle with life as the crickets and cicadas begin their daily chorus, and a light breeze ruffles the topmost leaves of the surrounding trees. Nancy is so exhausted that she can barely keep her eyes open, and again I feel that protective pull to look after her and keep her safe. Tom must have sensed it as soon as he laid eyes on Nancy, I realise now, although he’d ended up misinterpreting her feelings.

  ‘Mon dieu!’ exclaims Claudette, taking in the two of us as we shuffle into the hallway of the apartment. We must look quite a sight, I allow, each of us wearing one of Elaine’s tie-dye dresses and with eye bags that you’d have to pay extra to stow at the airport check-in desk.

  ‘Later,’ I tell her, throwing a pleading glance as she comes towards us. Then, turning to Nancy, ‘Will you be okay staying here and getting some sleep?’

  She nods, too beaten down by the events of the past few hours to even utter so much as a murmur. Claudette’s eyes are on stalks so long that I fear I’ll trip over them. I thought I’d feel weird when I saw her, but I find that I don’t feel much of anything. Hadn’t Theo treated her in the exact same way as he’d treated me, after all? Okay, so Clau
dette was probably more savvy and therefore knew the score before she jumped into bed with him, but she didn’t actually do it as a slight to me, did she? I’d rather just draw a line under the whole sorry mess.

  Claudette, however, is clearly in the mood to talk, and I quickly use the excuse of forgetting to pick up groceries in order to escape back out of the apartment. Any other person would probably have come after me, but Claudette is a big fan of a well-stocked fridge, so she lets me go on the assurance that I’ll be back within half an hour.

  As soon as I’m a safe distance away, I reach for my phone.

  ‘Darling!’ The sound of my mum’s voice almost brings me to tears.

  ‘Hi, Mum.’

  ‘What is it? What’s happened? Are you okay?’

  How does she do that?

  ‘Not really,’ I begin, lowering myself wearily down on to the sun-warmed top of a low wall. ‘Nancy’s pregnant.’

  Silence.

  ‘Mum – are you there?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Well then, say something.’

  I hear her take a deep sigh. ‘You’d better start at the beginning,’ she says.

  It doesn’t take long to fill her in on the facts, but I leave out the details about Nancy smashing up the apartment, instead explaining diplomatically that she has had some trouble dealing with the news. When I tell her about James’s reaction, she scoffs in disgust as I guessed she would. I assure her that Nancy is okay, that she’s mostly just relieved to have it out in the open and that I’m going to call Dad with her later and break the news to him and Susie. My mum listens to all of it, and then she says something that really does bring tears to my eyes.

  ‘I’m proud of you, Hannah.’

  ‘I didn’t do anything,’ I protest. ‘I’ve been a shit to her, Mum. She came to me for help and I turned my back on her.’

  Another sigh.

  ‘This is all my fault,’ she says.

  ‘What are you talking about?’ I chide. ‘You aren’t even here.’

  ‘I’m the reason you’ve struggled so much with Nancy,’ she tells me.

  I open my mouth to argue, but she cuts across me.

  ‘I know you’ve always been cross at your dad because of what he did to me,’ she admits, stunning me into silence. ‘But I shouldn’t have let you. I selfishly wanted you on my side, but I never considered how much damage it would do to your relationship with him.’

  ‘It didn’t,’ I begin lamely, but she continues in earnest.

  ‘Your dad did break my heart, it’s true, but he’s always loved you. I’ve never been able to get over him, you see? Not really. I tried for a long time, but eventually I realised that it was less painful to just carry on loving him as much as I always had. He gave me you, after all, and I love you more than anything in the whole world.’

  ‘Mum,’ I manage through my tears.

  ‘You should talk to him,’ she says now. ‘Ask him to tell you his version of what happened, of why he left.’

  ‘I don’t want to,’ I reply, taking a juddering breath. ‘I’m so angry with him, Mum.’

  ‘And that’s my fault,’ she says again, and I wish we were having this conversation face-to-face so I could hug her.

  ‘You have to forgive him,’ she continues, more resolute now than upset. ‘You don’t have to agree with what he did, but you can try to understand. Being angry about it will eat you up – trust me, I know.’

  ‘Do you think he’ll be cross, about Nancy and the baby?’

  There’s a pause while my mum considers the question.

  ‘No,’ she says. ‘I think he knows just as well as I do that being a parent is the greatest gift you can receive. I think he’ll be absolutely fine.’

  I remember what Elaine said to me and Nancy just a few hours ago, about the way she loved her own child: then, now and always.

  ‘Mum?’

  ‘Yes, darling?’

  ‘I love you.’

  I sense her smile at the other end, and then her voice cracks as she says, ‘Love you too.’

  I sit for a moment after hanging up, listening to the distant whisper of the sea and letting the glow of the sun warm my tired limbs. The dusty landscape is spread out below me, folded down like the sides of a cardboard box, and everything feels open and inviting.

  The shop, I remember, getting slowly to my feet. If I don’t get a move on, we really will be late to meet Theo.

  I fill a paper bag with tomatoes as if in a daze, then reach for a second and top it up with peaches. I’m just staring sleepily at the cheese selection when I feel a light touch on my elbow.

  ‘Hola, Hannah.’

  Diego is grinning at me in his usual mischievous way, and I humour him as he points out which yoghurts I should be buying and how he likes my new dress. I’m still wearing Elaine’s bright purple tie-dye number, so I roll my eyes at him in disbelief. The difference in how I feel around him now to how I did on that first night in the restaurant is so huge that I find it difficult to believe that nervous girl was even me. In the same way as Theo has gone from being a demi-god to a normal bloke in my eyes, Diego is now just someone I can look at with affection. He looks downcast when I tell him we will be gone in a few days’ time.

  ‘It has been nice to see you again,’ he tells me, following me to the till and waiting while I pay.

  ‘You too,’ I agree, coming to a halt outside the shop.

  ‘You know, I tried to look after you and your friend before,’ he says. My face must register confusion, because he adds, ‘Your dad, he came to ask me to look out for you.’

  ‘He did?’

  He means Rachel’s dad, obviously, and the realisation of what must have happened makes me chuckle.

  ‘Yes.’ Diego is nodding. ‘I say to you, “No alcohol, nothing alcohol”, but still you were sick.’

  ‘I was,’ I agree, amused by the memory for the first time.

  ‘You were very young, you and your friend – always so happy,’ he adds wistfully. ‘And now you are a woman. Different, but still the same happy face.’

  What is it with men suddenly realising that I’m a woman on this trip, I think, but I smile at Diego as he kisses me farewell on each cheek. For so many years, I’ve been tormented by the memory of this man rejecting me, when in reality he was simply trying to look out for me. To him, Rachel and I were two teenagers who had drunk too much – totally harmless but absolutely untouchable. Far from being the sleaze that Tom was so quick to brand him, Diego is actually a decent man – and, what’s more, I no longer have to feel like an idiot in front of him.

  ‘You look happy,’ remarks Claudette, as we make our way up the hill to the village twenty minutes later.

  ‘Just exhausted,’ I reply. And it’s true. I’m starting to feel very strange indeed.

  ‘Are you going to tell me what happened last night?’ she demands, pulling a tube of sun cream out of her bag and massaging a blob into each of her bare shoulders. She is wearing a strapless dress today that is so tight that it would look cheap on anyone else, but of course Claudette gets away with it.

  I shrug nonchalantly. ‘I was pissed and fell over – that’s how the mirror got broken.’

  She eyes me with distrust.

  ‘Honestly, Claudette, you know how clumsy I am when I’ve had a few.’

  Thankfully, she decides to let the matter drop, but only because she has another topic she wants to discuss.

  ‘Did you have a fight with Theo?’ she asks, direct as ever.

  ‘Why would you say that?’ I reply, refusing to make it easy for her. She knows full well why – she made sure that I knew about the two of them.

  ‘I know that you and he have been sleeping together,’ she remarks.

  ‘So?’

  ‘So, I know how he can be.’

  I don’t want to discuss Theo with her. There’s literally no point.

  ‘It’s over,’ I tell her, shutting the conversation down, and she stops walking. ‘What?’ I enquire,
unable to keep the exasperation from creeping into my voice.

  ‘Are you okay?’ she says. Am I imagining it, or does she look a little bit guilty?

  ‘Fine,’ I assure her. ‘Honestly, there’s no reason to worry.’

  ‘And we are okay?’ she adds, still not moving.

  I take a breath. ‘Of course we are.’

  ‘You know,’ she says, as we carry on up the hill, ‘Theo is not a bad man – he is just set in his ways.’

  ‘I know that,’ I say, keeping my tone neutral.

  ‘It’s a shame, really, that he is the way he is,’ she muses. ‘One day he will not be so good-looking, and then he will find himself very lonely.’

  I find that hard to believe, and tell her so.

  ‘I think he has been through a great heartbreak,’ she continues, squinting as the sun emerges from behind a large cloud and reaching for the sunglasses that are balanced on her head. ‘And now he is scared of committing himself.’

  ‘Maybe,’ I say, hiding my surprise behind a veil of disinterest. I had assumed Theo would have told Claudette the same story he told me, about losing the woman he loved, but apparently, he hadn’t – and I didn’t really think it was my place to share his secrets.

  ‘Wow,’ Claudette looks at me in bemusement. ‘You really are over him, aren’t you? Good, now you can stop messing around and get together with Tom.’

  We’ve almost reached the square now, and sounds of life are filtering down as the cafés and gift shops open their doors for the morning trade. The smooth pavement tiles feel hot beneath my sandals, and a trickle of sweat is making its way down my spine. I just had time to pull on my favourite dress before we left, the one with the floral print, but the pattern keeps swimming in front of my eyes as I look down.

  ‘You two are funny,’ she says, a lopsided smile making her look even more of a naughty pixie than usual. ‘You are closer than anyone I know, yet you pretend to just be friends.’

  ‘We are just friends,’ I argue, remembering as I say it just how badly I left things with him last night. Now that I know the truth about Nancy, everything else seems insignificant by comparison. I’ve been friends with Tom for so many years, and this is the first time he’s ever done something to hurt my feelings. If I can’t forgive him for liking my sister, then what kind of friend am I?