by Ray, Lexie
“I wanted to wait to marry him until you were out of school, so it wouldn’t be a distraction,” she said. “But I can’t wait anymore, Parker. I want to marry him. I love him so much. You’ll be my maid of honor, of course, and it’ll be perfect.”
“That sounds fine,” I said. “It’s not a distraction if he makes you happy.”
“It makes so much sense to have the wedding now,” my mom continued. “He wants us to move in together, of course, and you and I can finally move out of this dump and into a bigger house.”
That was an interesting turn of events. No more sleeping on the couch with a TV for a window. I was less excited for my mom and more excited to tell Marcus about this new development in my existence.
“How do you feel about siblings?” she asked.
“Are you pregnant?” I retorted, eyeing her.
“God, no,” she laughed. “Those days are, sadly, over for me. Hope you weren’t holding out hope or anything.”
“I wasn’t,” I said, shuddering. That was more information than I needed to know about her, in my opinion.
“This one comes ready-made,” she said. “I didn’t spoil you, did I? You’re not going to be a brat, are you?”
“I don’t think I’m spoiled,” I said. It wasn’t something I ever really had to consider. Having to figure out how to do my own laundry while I was still in grade school pretty much excluded me from the droves of spoiled brats I heard so much about.
“Because it’s going to be a pretty big adaptation for us, for our little family of two to grow to a family of four,” she said. “But I love Keith, Parker, I love him so much.”
“I’m really happy for you,” I offered. “I think it’ll be great.”
“I’m glad you think so,” my mom said, hugging me to her tightly. “I want us to have a family dinner this weekend. All four of us. That way, we can start having family time before the wedding.”
“Okay,” I agreed cautiously.
“Can you put off your gallivanting with whoever you’ve been spending time with this summer to spend a night in with your mother?” she asked, raising her own eyebrows.
“Yeah, sure,” I said. Did I like the idea of spending any more time away from Marcus than I had to? Absolutely not. But I was sure he’d understand, given the swiftly changing state of my family.
But the next day, when I saw Marcus at school, he was troubled.
“What’s going on with you?” I asked, plopping down next to him at lunch and kissing him, both of us ignoring the stares we got for being so forward.
“I’m not sure,” he said, frowning. “Maybe nothing. It’s just … no, forget about it. It’s a dad thing.”
“You’re having a dad thing?” I asked, laughing. “Well, I’m having a mom thing. Maybe we could help each other out.”
“I’m sure my dad thing is way crazier than your mom thing.” He bit into an apple.
“Guess again,” I said. “My mom said she’s getting married.”
Marcus started choking on his apple, and I had to pound him on the back.
“Seriously?” he demanded, staring at me. “Did she seriously say that to you?”
“Patty sounded very serious about this Keith, whoever he is,” I said. “And you need to be more careful chewing.”
“Keith’s my dad,” Marcus said. “He told me he was getting married to someone named Patty last night, and that we’re going to have a dinner this weekend to all meet.”
I could feel the blood draining from my face. “What does this mean?”
He smiled grimly. “It means we’re about to become a lot closer.”
The family dinner did not go well—despite Marcus and I putting on a united front and trying to attack this thing head on.
“You can’t do this to us,” I ended up yelling at my mom over a very nice spread of pasta and breadsticks and salad. She’d never made something so nice for me in my entire childhood.
“And just what do you mean by that, young lady?” she demanded, her eyes darting toward Keith. Marcus took after his dad—all but the eyes. His own mother, wherever she might be, gave him those, I suspected. I didn’t know if my mom was picking up on parenting cues from him or what. Keith seemed a lot stricter with Marcus than she ever had been with me. This was the first time I’d ever been called “young lady,” for example. It had to be the military background.
“Patty, if I may,” Marcus interjected gently, trying to regain control of a situation that was spinning far out of anyone’s grasp.
“I hope you’ll grow to call me Mom,” my mom said, clapping her hands with delight.
Marcus winced. “It’s just that Parker and I have fallen deeply in love from the time we’ve spent together this summer,” he continued. “And we aren’t sure what your relationship is going to mean for ours.”
“There won’t be any incest under our roof, if that’s what you’re asking, you little pervert,” Keith grumbled through a bite of breadstick.
“Mom, we’re in love,” I said, fighting to have a calmer voice than before. “We can’t be siblings. It’s not right. It’s not fair. We have our whole future planned out.”
“Your whole future?” My mom laughed. “Parker, you’re a child. The future should still be a mystery. I’m happy for you and Marcus, that you have such a close relationship that you think you’re in love. That’s sweet. But it ends now. Like Keith said, it would be inappropriate for you to have anything more than a fraternal relationship under our roof.”
Keith nodded in approval when my mom looked at him again. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“We don’t think we’re in love,” I argued. “We know we’re in love. This is the real deal, Mom. I’ve never felt like this about anyone before.”
“It’s puppy love,” she said, waving her hand dismissively. “When you’re older, you’ll understand.”
“You’re the one who doesn’t understand!” I shouted, standing up and pushing myself away from the table.
“Don’t you dare ruin this for me!” she yelled back, standing as well. “If you had any idea just how long I’ve searched for the right man, one willing to take a daughter like you into his life, you’d be a little bit happy for me and not try to take a piss all over it.”
“I am aware of just how hard you’ve searched,” I shot back. “I’ve seen and heard things no child should.”
“That’s enough, young lady,” Keith cut in, and I rounded on him.
“You’re not my father, and you never will be,” I hissed, making a run for the door.
I was nearly two blocks away from the house before Marcus caught up with me.
“Parker…”
“Just don’t,” I sobbed. “This ruins everything.”
“It sucks; I know it does,” he said, grabbing my hand and pulling to make me slow down. “I’m right there with you on this.”
“And so what?” I said, wiping my nose roughly. “You’re just going to sit back and let them ruin our lives? What we have together?”
“They are bound and determined to get married,” he said, shrugging. “We can’t stop that, Parker, but they can’t stop our feelings for each other.”
“We’d be brother and sister,” I said, trying not to gag. “That’s wrong, Marcus. Think of what people would say.”
“I’m not interested in what people say,” he laughed. “I’m interested in what you say, what you think, what you feel. Do you love me any less, now that our parents are getting married?”
“I love you,” I said, “but this complicates everything.”
“That’s all it is, then,” he said, kissing my forehead. “A complication. We just have to get through the rest of the school year with this. They’ll get married, and it will be stupid for a while, but then we’ll both graduate, be eighteen, and be free to do whatever we want.”
“Just because we turn eighteen doesn’t mean we stop being brother and sister,” I pointed out.
“Stepbrother and stepsiste
r,” he clarified. “There’s a big difference, Parker. We might be siblings in some senses, but not in the ones that matter.”
“Not according to Keith,” I said, wrapping my arms around myself. “He says it’s incest.”
“Sorry about my dad,” Marcus said, sighing. “He’s kind of old school. Your mom … she’s not really his type. It’s surprising, really.”
“Out of everyone she’s ever been with, why did she pick your dad?” I asked, pushing my forehead against Marcus’ shoulder, wishing that his embrace could just make everything disappear. “Why Keith? Why now?”
“We’ll get through this,” he promised. “Just wait. Maybe they won’t even get married until the end of the school year.”
But with my volatile reaction to the entire thing, Patty and Keith were married by a judge the following week. We moved into a bigger house soon after.
“We’ll see each other all the time now,” Marcus joked, trying to allay my trepidation.
Neither of us could lie to the other anymore, though, after the rules that were imposed upon us living as a family. There would be no touching between Marcus and me, no sitting next to each other. The couch was off limits, as were our rooms from each other. When we were in the house, we were watched like hawks by both my mom and Marcus’ dad.
Part of me hoped that the police state we endured at home would lessen our feelings for each other, but it only made us crave each other even more. The fact that he was so close, that I could hear him moving around in his bedroom at night, pacing the floor, I liked to imagine, made me breathless with desire.
Being told I couldn’t have something that I’d already wanted before was the perfect recipe to drive me to want it especially bad.
It reached a fever point, something that was so present I could practically taste it. To this day, I couldn’t say decisively who made the first move that fateful night. I couldn’t remember if I dragged Marcus to my room, or if he entered on his own volition.
Our pajamas fell off almost of their own accord, and our mouths attached to each other, as if it were the only way to get air. His hands were my hands, and we explored every inch of skin, finding what was the same about ourselves, celebrating the glorious differences, feeling and tasting and touching.
The lights were off in the room, the curtains drawn against the orange cast of the streetlights outside, and we were made for each other. There wasn’t a single person other than Marcus that I was meant for. This was the end all and be all moment of our lives.
When he finally fit himself into my panting, shaking body, it was as if everything that was wrong with the world was suddenly made right. We loved each other. This was the dance we were meant to do, the way we were meant to be together. We shared one body, one heart, one mind, and we could never be kept apart again. We were too precious to each other. It meant too much. Nothing—no belief, no rule, no mandate—would ever keep us from this, from loving each other.
Each of Marcus’ thrusts awakened something different inside of me. I didn’t know it was possible to love someone as deeply as I loved him when he was above me, covering my nakedness with his own, tasting the sweat that pooled in the dips of my collarbones, nuzzling at my hair with an animal urgency.
I wasn’t aware of anything but this union; I didn’t hear anything beyond our shared heartbeat, the inhales and exhales we granted each other.
I didn’t even hear my mom scream when she and Keith opened the door and turned on the light to my bedroom.
“Get off of my daughter, you little fucker!” she cried, and Marcus’ dad dragged him away from me.
“Stop!” I screamed, not bothering to cover myself, reaching for a struggling Marcus. “I love him! Stop!”
“Did he force himself on you?” my mom demanded, draping a blanket over my shoulders. “You can tell me. Tell me everything. What happened?”
“I love him,” I wept, as Keith shoved Marcus out of my room. I wanted to see Marcus. I could hear their raised voices down the hall, but I couldn’t make out any of the words.
“You can’t love him,” she said, seizing my face in her hands and making me look at her. “You can’t love him because you’re related now. It’s disgusting. It’s vile, Parker. You will have to live with this for the rest of your life—knowing that you and your brother committed an act of incest under your father’s and my roof.”
“Keith isn’t my father,” I muttered. “Marcus is only my stepbrother. That doesn’t matter.”
“Of course that matters,” my mom snapped. “You’re lots of things, Parker, but I didn’t think stupid was one of them. By law, Marcus is your brother. It’s incestuous that you want to have a romantic relationship with him. It’s wrong. You’re wrong.”
I cried myself to sleep, and in the morning, Keith and Marcus weren’t there.
“They’re staying at a hotel until this gets figured out,” my mom told me.
But when they finally did apparently get it figured out, Keith returned home alone. Marcus wasn’t in tow.
“I’ve sent him to the same military boarding school I went to,” I overheard Keith tell my mom. “It’ll straighten him out.”
“I wish there was a place like that for Parker,” I heard my mom grouse.
How could life go from so amazing to so terrible in such a short span of time? I never thought that I would have to live apart from Marcus, not for a second. I drifted through school, feeling like it was all a bad dream. I didn’t even know where the love of my life was. I had to endure the sight of my mom and Keith enjoying each other’s company, and I had no idea where Marcus was. He never called. He never wrote. He could be dead for all I knew.
Maybe my mom thought it would be good for me to shake off my moping, but she triumphantly showed me a photograph of Marcus.
“Look here,” she said, pointing at the picture I held. “Your brother at one of the formal dances his academy holds. That’s his uniform. Doesn’t she look darling in that dress? What a cute couple.”
Marcus and the unnamed girl were dutifully holding hands. She was smiling, her hair coiffed into a beehive, but his mouth was set in a straight line, serious. I noticed that his hair had been buzzed short—much shorter than I had ever seen it.
My heart went out to him. He was following the path he didn’t want to follow—his father’s footsteps.
“See?” my mom persisted, taking the photo back from me. “Marcus is moving on from that debacle a couple of months ago. You should, too. I know for a fact there are plenty of eligible young men at school for you to date.”
I didn’t believe that Marcus had moved on, or that he had forgotten about what we had. That would be forever stamped on my heart. I wouldn’t be able to move on, even if I wanted to.
Nothing was going according to plan. My studies suffered. I stayed out later and later, just walking the streets.
Then, one day, without even thinking about it, wearing only the clothes on my back, with only my bag filled with school supplies, I simply got on a bus, paid the fare, and rode it to the end of the line.
I got off then got on another bus. Then another. And another, until I didn’t know where I was.
I followed people, got off where they did, walked, boarded another bus.
I didn’t want to recognize places, but there was a mural Marcus and I had discovered. Even as I tried to lose myself in Los Angeles, I was still a part of it. Marcus and I had explored it too thoroughly. My memories of our time together had been woven into the fabric of my home, and now I couldn’t escape it.
I found myself at the Greyhound station. I counted the money in my wallet, bought a ticket for the next bus, and just left, not even bothering to look at the board to see where I was headed. Anywhere but here. Anything was better than being in L.A. without Marcus.
Chapter 4
Dear Parker,
Hope is reignited inside of me, but there’s almost an equal amount of despair. This letter will probably never be mailed, and I again question my sanity fo
r writing it. Something has to be done. My pen is useless, completely impotent, but when there’s nothing else I feel that I can do, it’s still here. It’s become my closest confidante in all of this. You would normally fill that void, but you’re gone.
The parents were keeping the letters from you. I know that now. I hope that, if they ever somehow fall into your hands, you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I had so many doubts, so many excuses, so much self-loathing that I was cutting out my heart for your examination and approval and never so much as hearing a single thing from you.
My love for you was constant, even if my fears intruded.
My greatest fear now, though, is your safety. Where could you have gone? What are you doing? Are you all right? Are you suffering?
I know that you had to have suffered greatly here alone—probably even more than I did away at school. Wherever you are, whatever life you find for yourself away from the parents, I’ll follow you there. I just need to know where you are. Let me know where you are.
I love you. Now more than ever.
It hadn’t been my intention to run away from home. The truth was that I simply couldn’t stay there any longer. I couldn’t pass by the room Marcus used to occupy. I couldn’t sleep in the bed where we’d joined our bodies and become one person.
I couldn’t keep existing, knowing that he was out there, going to school formals with other girls, living a life apart from me while I was stuck back home.
He might’ve been following the path he didn’t want, but that didn’t mean I had to follow my most hated path—remaining in one place.
I was ill prepared and hungry when the bus finally stopped in Miami—the end of the line. The Atlantic Ocean was a beast I didn’t understand, utterly different from the waves of the Pacific, and everything seemed foreign. I was dirty, exhausted, but free for the first time in my life.
I had left everything behind—the life I couldn’t live anymore, the sorrow of losing my one true love. I needed something new because I couldn’t stomach the past anymore. The past was gone. If I was going to survive my future, I needed to be able to own it.
