The Monarch Room

by Danielle James

  “How are you?”

  “Scared.”

  “Scared?” I asked, sitting on the kitchen floor. He pulled away from my mother and climbed in my lap like he knew who I was. He nodded and toyed with the collar of my shirt. “Why are you scared?”

  “I dunno. Where’s Michelle?” I couldn’t believe my ears.

  “Your mommy ?” I frowned.

  “Michelle,” he repeated.

  “River, I told you to call me mommy,” Michelle scolded harshly from behind me. He flinched at the sound of her voice and I felt flames licking at my face. I was impossibly agitated.

  “Roman, who is this little girl?” Michelle gestured to Zuri.

  “None of your business. Why is River calling you by your first name?” I stood up and he clung to me like he didn’t want me to put him down. I held him in my arms and he laid on my chest. I never wanted to give him back.

  “He doesn’t listen. He never does.” She reached for him with a scowl but he gripped me tighter. “River, come here.”

  “He’s my friend,” he said of me.

  “Yeah, buddy, I’m your friend.” I rubbed his soft brown curls and hugged him.

  “Roman, I’m gonna go in the other room,” Zuri said.

  “No, stay,” I growled. My heart knocked against my chest from holding in all the words I couldn’t say. I wouldn’t let my son see me fly off the handle.

  “I thought this would be a family thing. Who the fuck is she?” Michelle’s bangles clanked together as she moved her hand way too close to Zuri’s face.

  “She’s family,” my mother said quietly.

  “She’s not a Clermont. The only family I’ll acknowledge is the Clermont family. So, bitch…who are you?” Michelle stood nose to nose with Zuri and I wedged myself between them. Zuri’s brown eyes were wide and wild like she was seconds from snapping.

  “Everyone, calm down.” My father’s eyes darted between me and Michelle. “Zuri, sweetheart, why don’t you take River out to the greenhouse? I’ll have Maurice show you the way.”

  “I don’t want my kid with that bitch,” Michelle spat. It took everything in my power not to rail into that woman. She was just as toxic as she was when I first met her.

  “Hi, River. I’m Zuri. Wanna go see some plants and flowers?” Zuri was able to keep a calm voice while she knelt down to his level. I didn’t know how. She must have been a saint in her past life.

  “Yes! I like plants.” He grabbed her fingers and they followed Maurice out. The minute the French doors closed behind them, I lost my shit. Rage coursed through me like blood. Just as red and just as hot.

  “I could kill all of you. Why the fuck would you think it was okay to ambush me with this…female ? She is toxic and from what I can see still every bit as pathetic as she’s always been.”

  “Roman, your father thought it would be a good idea to get some dialogue going…”

  “Don’t speak on his behalf, Mom!”

  “Why are you mad at them?” Michelle asked, anchoring her hands to her hips. “They had enough decency to reach out to me. I’m sure they want us to settle this and I’m willing to as long as I get paid every month. What I’ve been getting from your little teacher’s paycheck is bullshit by the way. That’s why I was so happy to hear from your family.”

  “All you see is dollar signs, Michelle. That’s all River is to you.” Seeing his scared eyes made my chest ache. I wanted to wash away all his fears and give him the security he deserved.

  “Whatever, Roman,” she rolled her eyes.

  “This conversation needs to be had.” My father made a sweeping motion with his hand and I tried not to look at him. I was livid. I might have taken his head off.

  “Like I said, this conversation needed to happen in my time. Not yours. This is exactly why I don’t want to have anything to do with any of you. You think you’re Gods. You can’t interfere with shit that has nothing to do with you!”

  “You asked us to interfere so here we are! I am your father and you will respect me. Like me or not,” he snapped, moving closer to me.

  “Okay, let’s dial it back some,” Mom exhaled.

  “Your husband doesn’t know how to let me handle my own affairs ,” I switched to French in a single blink.

  “If you handled your business like an adult we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place .” He spat French right back at me.

  “I’ll give you visitation if I get more money,” Michelle said like she was oblivious to the deep-seated family issues bubbling over onto the kitchen floor.

  “Fuck that. You’re not getting a goddamn cent. I give you money every month and my son is in here wearing ripped jeans and a dirty t-shirt!” My voice was so loud I heard dishes clatter to the floor in the staff kitchen.

  “Roman, calm down,” my mother rested a gentle hand on my shoulder but I snatched away, making her gasp.

  “I want my goddamn son! That boy is scared to death and he calls you by your first name. You’re a sorry excuse for a mother.”

  “I’m trying, okay? It’s hard taking care of a kid.”

  “You shouldn’t have created him if you didn’t plan to take care of him. Let me take care of him,” I begged, tapping my heaving chest. “Me, Michelle. I’m his father. I can give him a good life. If it’s too hard for you, give him to me…please .” I couldn’t get those big doe eyes out of my head. No kid should be that scared of everything.

  “I need more money.” She fidgeted with her short sleeves while she hugged herself.

  “What kind of visitation are you willing to give Roman?” My father asked.

  “Weekends or something,” she shrugged.

  “Weekends?” He laughed toward the ceiling.

  “Every other week is a nice start.”

  “No. I’ll get less money that way,” she said. My father’s jaw flexed and he forced a smile.

  “Fine, Michelle. We’ll go back to the drawing board.”

  “Fine. Draw away.” She dropped her arms and I noticed puncture wounds coloring her fair skin. “I gotta pee. Where’s the bathroom?” She asked my mother.

  “Right this way.” They walked out of the kitchen and I took a step toward my father.

  “Don’t you ever ambush me like this again.”

  “Roman calm down. Our entire conversation was recorded. It’s inadmissible in court but it’s enough to sway the judge at the very least. She’s unfit.”

  I sighed and ran my hand over my face. I walked out of the kitchen when my mother came back in. I caught Michelle walking out of a room that was not the bathroom. She adjusted her breasts and flashed me a smile. She yelped when I backed her against the wall with a heavy thud. “Leave him here, Michelle.”

  “Fuck. No. Get off me, Roman.”

  “Leave him here for Thanksgiving. You’re on drugs. You think I don’t see those needle marks on your arms? Leave River here with us. Let him have a safe space for once in his life.”

  “No! You’ll try to keep him if I let him stay the night.”

  “I swear to God, I won’t. We’ll keep handling this in court. Don’t take him tonight. He’s scared.” I refused to let her move from that spot on the wall. Unease squeezed my chest like a vice grip. “Let me have my son for the night. You can be free to do whatever the fuck you want.”

  “You just want to take him from me so I can’t get any money. I need that money, Roman.” She said through gritted teeth.

  “You need money? How much? How much is River worth, hmm? How much, Michelle.” I pulled out my wallet and took out hundred after hundred until my hands trembled. “Is this all that matters?” She snatched the money from me and glared after I let her go.

  “I’m coming back for him. This doesn’t change anything, Roman. I want my kid back tomorrow.”

  “Fine,” I said, disgust lacing my tone. “Go get high, Michelle.”

  “Fuck you. You don’t know me,” she sniffled.

  “I don’t know you. I remind myself of that ever
y fucking day. Whatever you stuffed in your bra, leave it on the table,” I said. She stumbled toward the front doors, unloading jewelry from her shirt. Rings and necklaces hit the side table with a clatter.

  “I’m coming back for him. He’s the only money I have,” she told me. I hung my head when I heard the doors slam shut. My heart was heavy. So heavy it wouldn’t beat right and it was hard to inhale.

  I was drained. I didn’t have any more energy.

  “Roman, where’s Michelle?” My mother asked. I shrugged off her touch again and lifted my head even though it felt like lead bricks weighed my neck down.

  “She left. I gave her a few hundred to leave River here for the night. She’s on drugs. The lawyer needs to petition to have her tested. I don’t want my son going back with her,” I said. My hands were shaking I was full of so many confusing emotions.

  “You know we’re here for you, son.” My father patted my back and I shook my head.

  “Then why the hell did you do that? Why did you bring her here without my knowledge? That was fucked up. You know she tried to steal from you?” I asked them.

  “Figures.” My mother shrugged.

  “I’m going to see my son. Don’t talk to me for the rest of the day.” I walked out and found my way to the greenhouse. When Maurice looked into my eyes, he left with haste and I didn’t blame him.

  I was a madman.

  The only things on Earth that could soothe the savage beast inside of me were inside of that greenhouse. I stood at the door, indifferent to the whipping wind and cold temperatures while I watched them.

  Zuri made River laugh.

  She made finger puppets and called them the green peas. She made her fingers talk to each other in silly voices and my son lit up like a fucking Christmas tree. You would have thought he never laughed before the way he tossed his head back and let his happy noises bounce off the glass surrounding them.

  I felt the anger inside of my chest quell. I stepped closer and River looked up at me with big, brown eyes. They were beautiful. He smiled at me and I saw my own dimples in a smile that was priceless.

  “Hey, buddy.” I held my arms out for him and he came to me.

  “Where’s Michelle?” He asked, looking behind me.

  “She went home. She said I could hang out with you tonight. Is that cool? You wanna spend the night with me and this pretty lady right here?” I held my arm out for Zuri and she was at my side.

  “I like Riri.” He nodded, fingering her soft curls.

  “I like you too, kid.” She poked her finger in his deep dimples and he giggled. “I told you don’t use those things around me. I’m going to steal them and keep them in my pocket,” she joked.

  “My dimples?” He laughed.

  “Uh huh. They’re too cute.”

  “I want to stay tonight. Can you keep me?” He asked, wiggling to get down. I didn’t know what to say. I held his little hand and walked with him down the aisles of fresh vegetables growing in long rectangular containers.

  “Keep you?” I quizzed.

  “Uh huh. I want to stay. Will Michelle stay too? It’s okay if she doesn’t.” I was stunned silent. River was only three years old. He would be four in January. How was he able to detach himself from his own mother so easily?

  When I was that age, you couldn’t pry me from my mother. The thought of him not being attached to the one person who was supposed to keep him and protect him, made my heart break.

  “I don’t know…I do know that I’m keeping you tonight. You wanna go back to the guesthouse with me and Zuri?” He nodded and I took him back with us. The walk was quiet and I didn’t know what to say. How do you break the ice with a three-year-old? I didn’t know if I should tell him who I was.

  I was in a space of awe. I couldn’t believe he was in front of me. I was so used to looking at the same four pictures of him over and over that I was star struck.

  Zuri walked over and sat in my lap while I watched River draw and scribble in one of my sketchbooks. “Hey, I just realized River doesn’t have any toys. I’m gonna go get him some before the stores close. It’ll give you two time together alone.”

  “You don’t have to do that, Zuri.”

  “I want to. I also know this is surreal for you. Take some time to soak in your son, Roman. This is what you’ve been wanting. He’s right there and he’s an artist like his daddy.” She kissed me and I squeezed her sides.

  “I’ll call a car for you. Take my card.” I handed it to her and she slipped it in her wallet. “Can you do me a favor and buy yourself something too?” She nodded and then I was alone with my son.

  “What’s your name?” River asked me curiously.

  “Me? Did you mom tell you who I was?”

  “Michelle?”

  “Yes, did she tell you what my name was?” I asked, sitting on the floor with him.

  “She said you’re my daddy.” A knot wedged itself in my throat as I nodded. “Are you?”

  “Yup. I’m your daddy.”

  “I had other daddy’s before, but you have dimples like me,” he said, drawing a circle. My face fell into a frown and I shook my head slowly, trying to make his words make sense.

  “What do you mean? You only have one daddy.” River shook his head at my words and looked up at me.

  “I have lots of daddy’s. They come see Michelle.” Realization set in and my stomach turned. She had a string of men in and out of her life and River must have seen them all.

  “Hey, River…can I show you how to draw something?” He nodded and handed me the pencil. I drew a heart in the middle of the page and he studied the way my hand moved. “What shape is that?” I asked him.

  “Heart!” He chirped.

  “Very good.” We took turns drawing hearts for a long time. His were lopsided and perfect.

  Zuri came back with toys and new clothes for him along with food she thought he would like and I looked at her like a savior. River was happy to see her too. Even though she had toys, he still wanted to draw. It made me smile.

  Zuri put chicken nuggets in the oven and sat with us on the floor while we watched River draw. “How come you call your mom, Michelle?” I asked him as I watched him cover the page with hearts.

  “’Cause…” he shrugged his little shoulders. “That’s her name.”

  “Did you ever call her mommy?”

  “I dunno,” he said looking at me then Zuri. “Sometimes. She gets mad though.”

  “Why, River?” I touched his hair. It was so soft. It was the color of sand. His skin was the color of ginger and his eyes were deep coffee brown. He was beautiful.

  “Her friends will know she’s a mommy. Then they won’t bring her medicine anymore.” Zuri let out an audible gasp at his words. She covered her mouth and looked at me with knowing eyes.

  “What medicine, River?” She asked him.

  “Her arm medicine.” He showed us his skinny arm and I ran my fingers over his smooth skin as my heart sank in my chest. It was an indescribable feeling that roared through me. I could only describe it as loud. It drowned out the beating of my heart. It made me tingle.

  I had to protect my son.

  “It makes her sleepy,” River frowned, dropping the pencil. “I hate it.” He looked at me then crawled into my lap. I swallowed the emotion in my throat and touched his face.

  “River…” I choked out his name and clutched him to my chest in a hug. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

  “Don’t cry, Daddy.” He pulled back and sandwiched my face in his tiny hands. “You don’t like the medicine either, do you?”

  “No. I hate it.”

  “Me too. It stinks.” He scrunched up his little face and shook his head.

  “I’m so sorry you had to see her taking…medicine,” Zuri looked like she was on the verge of tears.

  “She needs it to feel better. It helps.” The fact that he tried to reason with his mother’s drug use at the age of three made me insane with anger.

  “No, Riv
er. That medicine doesn’t help,” I told him, shaking my head.

  “It does. She told me. And she lets me help put the needle in. I’m a doctor. I help.” Zuri stood and walked out of the room. Even though she was in the kitchen, I could hear her sniffling back tears.

  I was speechless.

  I held my son and stroked his hair while I thought of any way possible to keep him with me. I never wanted him to go back to his mother again. She was an awful human being and she didn’t deserve to call River her son.

  “Nuggets are done,” Zuri came in with a plate of chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes, and grapes. River scrambled away from me and climbed up to the table.

  “I’m hungry,” he said.

  “Well good. Eat up so you can be big and strong like Daddy.” Zuri told him as she slid his chair under the table. She put on the TV for him to watch and pulled me out of the kitchen.

  “Roman…he can’t go back with her.”

  “I know. Fuck,” I cursed, making a fist. I was dying to throw a punch to get rid of some aggression but I didn’t want to scare River. He finally seemed to have relaxed a bit. “Let’s get him in the tub and in bed, then we’ll talk.” I couldn’t let my emotions out while he was awake.

  **

  “Your tub is clean, Daddy. I like it.” River played with bubbles and I sat on the edge of the bathtub, staring at him. I didn’t bother going to my parents’ for Thanksgiving dinner. I had my family already. I wanted to spend every second I could with my son.

  When I showed him the pajamas Zuri got, his eyes lit up. “Paw Patrol!” He clapped his hands and giggled when he put them on. “The pajamas are clean! Look, no holes!” He hugged me tight and climbed in bed. “I like your house.”

  “This actually isn’t my house. I can’t wait to show you my house though. I have an entire room just for drawing.”

  “Wow,” he smiled. “Like the hearts?”

  “Yeah, like the hearts we drew earlier. I draw all kinds of stuff.”

  “Paw Patrol?”

  “I guess I could draw that,” I chuckled.

  “Can we say prayers?” He asked with a yawn. I nodded and knelt on the floor beside him. He was adorable with his eyes shut tight and his palms pressed together.