by Hayden Hunt
He narrowed his eyes at me. “Are you saying you asked me out wanting to date more seriously? This wasn’t a casual invite for you?”
“I mean, of course I wasn’t planning for anything serious to happen. I had no idea what was in store but no, I wasn’t looking for a fling when I asked you out.”
“Wow…” he said, taking another sip of water.
“What? Is that so surprising?” I smiled nervously.
“Just a bit. Not in a bad way or anything, it’s just that… You know, you’re young. You’re cute and you seem fun and I guess I just assumed because of your age and your looks that fun was all you wanted.”
Before I could answer, the waitress returned with two piping hot plates of food. We both thanked her and then immediately began to continue our conversation as we ate.
“I’m not going to lie,” I began between small bites, “I did have my young and fun phase. But I guess I’m over it. I’ve been over it for a while, actually, but the right guy hasn’t exactly come along to get me to settle down. And don’t be put off by that, because I’m not saying you’re the right guy; obviously, we still only loosely know each other. But I do already know you have a lot of qualities I look for in a long term partner.”
“Really? Like what?” he asked, a soft smile forming on his face.
“Well, you’re sweet, for one. You give off a very genuine, homey vibe. You seem responsible, taking care of your nephew and running your own business. Like, you know, you’ve got your life together. Unlike a lot of the men I meet. I want to be with someone who is going somewhere in life, you know? I don’t want to stagnate, so I’m not really looking for a partner who stagnates, either.”
He had on a full blown smile now. “I’m sorry, I’m really not used to this… I haven’t dated someone in… God, I don’t even know how long!” He laughed.
“And why’s that?” I asked.
“I don’t know, I guess. I’m quite the workaholic. Or I was before everything happened with Sabrina. Of course, I’ve had to take a lot of time off work to help with Jake. If I’m being honest, I haven’t done much to put myself out there. And it’s not as if you can expect men to just assume you’re gay and approach you…”
“Unless you’re me, of course, then you can pretty much rely on it.”
He laughed.
“So, I’ve got to ask, what is your opinion on dating more seriously? Is it something you simply assumed couldn’t happen despite wanting it or is it something you’d be interested in?”
He gave a shy smile and picked at his food.
“I’m interested,” he said softly. “I am most definitely interested. Maybe a little nervous, but I’m willing to see where things lead. I’m open to all options and… I like you. You’re really easy to talk to, you’re sweet. I’m definitely not opposed to letting the chips fall where they may.”
I was so glad to hear it. The more I talked to Luke, the more I liked him. Even when the conversation was getting intense and a little depressing.
Actually, I liked him even more because of that. Our conversations felt so real. It may not have been first date talk, but I appreciated him more for that. I meant it when I said that wasn’t the kind of date I wanted to be on.
We continued to talk openly through our meal. In fact, we talked so much it took about 45 minutes for either of us to finish our food! By the time I finished, some of my salmon was cold. Not ideal, but I didn’t care. I didn’t come here tonight for the salmon.
As we finally finished up, the waitress brought us our check. I immediately read disappointment on Luke’s face.
“Wow,” I told him, “so that may be the slowest I’ve ever eaten.”
“Me too…” He let the sentence trail off.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Honestly, I was eating slow on purpose.” He gave a weak smile.
“Why’s that?” I asked.
“Because I don’t want this date to end. For the first time in a long time, I’m feeling happy. And I would really love to keep that going.”
“The night doesn’t need to end just because we finished our food, you know,” I told him.
He grinned.
“There’s actually this nice dessert bar a few blocks away. They’re amazing, you can get whatever you want. Anything from ice cream sundaes to cheesecake slices, plus a bunch of pastries… Have you been?”
“No, I haven’t. Evidently, I don’t get out much.” He smiled at me. “But I’m wondering…”
“Yes?”
“Do they have dessert to go?”
“I don’t know, I suppose so. Why?”
“Because I think it’ll taste a lot better at your house.”
6
Luke
I had never been so forward in my life. It was just not in my personality to make a move like this.
But what could I say? I felt comfortable with this guy already. Comfortable enough to talk about my problems, comfortable enough to feel like a dork when I flirted with him.
I’d never had this with another man. It felt like I’d known him for years. Like we were somehow old friends who were meeting up for the first time in a long time.
I meant what I said when I told him I didn’t come out with him expecting to start a relationship. I wanted fun—that was the only intention I had for this date.
But not anymore. Now that I knew he was actually interested in something serious, my feelings had changed. Hell, my feelings probably would have changed even if he never mentioned wanting something serious.
Things just felt too right. I felt like were too compatible. I didn’t think I could have walked away from this night without wanting something more. So the fact that he was also interested in seeing where this went… Well, it was a relief.
Even more so, it felt so good to be on a date with someone who knows what I was going through right now. If I hadn’t been honest with him about my life, I knew I would have felt weird continuing to date him. Because eventually the weight of what I was dealing with would come up, and I’d rather learn now if the person I was dating could handle it, rather than later.
Even on the drive back to his place, I hardly felt nervous. We had stopped by that little dessert place, got a small cheesecake for the two of us, and then started the drive to his apartment.
Maybe Peter was a little nervous, though, because the car ride was a little quiet. And he seemed pretty outgoing, so I didn’t believe silence was the norm for him.
I didn’t mind, though, because silence was the norm for me. I was pretty introverted and I liked not having to talk every moment to fill the silence.
Quiet wasn’t awkward for me. At least, not with the right person. And clearly, Peter was the right person, because I was extremely comfortable with the absence of noise right now. I felt that it was really helping me to relax before arriving at his place.
His apartment complex was nice. At least, that was what I thought from the outside as we pulled up. The buildings were painted a pale blue color and surrounded by a black wrought iron gate. All the lawns, bushes, and trees were very well manicured.
“Well, here we are.” Peter smiled at me, I still sensed some nervousness.
“Fantastic!” I said eagerly as I jumped out of the car.
I still didn’t have the slightest bit of anxiety. I was happy to be here and I wanted to make that clear to Peter. Maybe seeing me excited would ease his nerves a little bit.
It seemed to have the opposite effect, though. The more positive things I said as we walked up to the door, the more he was fidgeting with his keys. It could just have been that we were nearing his place, though.
Either way, my excitement wasn’t helping.
“Make yourself at home,” he said as we walked into his door.
“What a cute place you’ve got!” I told him.
It really was adorable. He was a good decorator, that much was clear. His walls were a very pale yellow which you wouldn’t think would be a good match again
st the deep maroon of his drapes and area rug, but it was.
It was extra adorable because he had already decorated everything for Halloween. Not only did he have pumpkins sitting outside of his front door, but there were little decorative ones on all his tables.
It definitely felt homier than my apartment which, as of late, was only decorated by the mess of Jake’s toys.
“Thank you,” he said as we sat on the couch together.
I didn’t waste any time. I sat down so close to him that we were touching at the thigh, and then leaned in to kiss him.
He didn’t reject me. His head turned in toward mine and I was immediately filled with warmth as our lips intertwined. I ran my fingers through his hair gently as I continued to kiss him. Slowly, ever so slowly, I allowed my hand to drift down the front of his shirt as I inched toward his cock…
But I only got half way down his stomach when he grabbed my hand to stop me.
I was completely caught off guard. “Oh my God, I’m sorry, is something wrong or—”
“Uh, this is going to sound super weird but… I don’t actually want to have sex.”
“Oh,” I said, doing my best to hide my disappointment. “That’s not a problem.”
“It’s not that I’m not attracted to you! I am, I really am. I am more attracted to you than I ever have been to another man.”
I appreciated the little affirmation. Because I wasn’t disappointed that we weren’t having sex. I would never want him to feel pressured into that. I was mostly disappointed because I felt rejected. But as long as it wasn’t that he wasn’t into me, I could live with that.
“So you’re just not really into casual sex?” I asked.
“Well… That’s not exactly true either. I’ve actually had a lot of casual sex.”
“Oh,” I said, the nervousness of rejection creeping up on me again. “So what is it?”
“It’s that I don’t want to have casual sex with you because… I don’t know. When I have casual sex with a guy, I plan on never seeing him again. I know that things won’t be serious, so whatever happens, it doesn’t really matter to me. But you… You already matter to me. I get this inkling that you might one day be a very important person in my life. And I don’t want to throw our first time away. I want it to be special.”
I melted. Okay, hearing that was even better than sex.
I leaned back on the couch, trying to keep my face composed.
“So it’s not just me, then?” I told him. “There’s something between us, right? This connection…”
“No, it’s definitely not just you.” He smiled. “I really like you, I really want to get to know you.”
“I might be difficult, you know,” I warned him. My life is complicated and if we really start dating, I don’t know how easy the road is going to be for you.”
“I don’t need easy,” he said, his tone very serious. “I need something real. And this night has felt real. So as long as you stay real with me, I’ll stay real with you. and we can start on a relationship that means something.”
“I’d like that,” I told him. “I really would.”
We spent the rest of the night talking about our lives while gorging ourselves on cheesecake. Around midnight, though, I had to go.
I didn’t want to. And if I was still a single guy with no obligations, I would’ve stayed all damn night talking to him. But I had Jake back home and I didn’t want to keep the sitter waiting.
“Well, I should probably be heading out,” I finally said, though I didn’t want to.
“Right, it’s getting late. Here, let me give you a ride home…” he said as he stood up.
“Oh no, you don’t have to do that. I’ll call a cab.”
“What? Are you sure? It’s really no problem—”
“No, really, don’t worry about it. You’re already home, so no reason you should have to drive me all the way out to my apartment and back when I can just get a cab.”
“Seriously, I don’t mind—”
“Too late,” I said as I opened an app on my phone. “I’ve already got a cab coming and they’ll be here in two minutes. Really, I’m not going to inconvenience you.”
“Okay, fine,” he said, laughing, “you win. But at least let me walk you outside.”
“Okay, that I can do,” I agreed as we made our way to the front door.
The air was icy and, without thinking, we both combatted the cold by cuddling up to one another. He had his arms wrapped around me from behind. It felt so good to be held this way.
“When can I see you again?” he whispered in my ear from behind me.
“Would you want to do lunch on Monday or something? Or any day during the week, really. That’s when Jake is in school so it’d be easy for me to slip away from work for an hour or two.”
“Oh, I’d love to,” he said in a defeated tone, “but I really have to be at the pumpkin patch every week day until my Grandma gets better. My parents take over the weekends but they both work during the week.”
“Not a problem,” I answered. “Maybe I’ll swing by the pumpkin patch and say hello.”
“Really? You don’t mind coming all the way out there?”
“Not even a little bit. I’ll bring us lunch, actually. How do you like deli sandwiches?”
“Love them,” he said excitedly. “I’m a big fan of the BLT.”
“Perfect, then I’ll see you Monday.”
Just then, my cab pulled up and Peter undid his arms from around me.
“Well, goodnight,” he said before planting a soft kiss on my lips.
“Goodnight.” I smiled back.
He opened the cab door for me and I got in. Sadness rushed over me as he closed the door and I buckled up. God, I wished this night didn’t have to end. It felt like I was back to reality again… And I hated reality right now.
I watched him as he pulled away. It was weird. I liked him so much—being with Peter was making me so happy—but it was coming at the worst time of my life. Life was funny that way, I supposed.
It would have been nice to meet him a few months ago, when I could actually let loose and enjoy as much time with him as I wanted. Then again, maybe it was fate that I met him when I did. Like maybe he was meant to be the light at the end of my tunnel.
Because really, life was starting to get real dark for me. It still was dark, and there was still a weight on my chest, but I felt a little more free knowing I had someone to talk to now. Someone who liked me and who I could be comfortable with. That was something.
I paid the babysitter, Ashley, when I got home. When I walked in, she was comfortably watching TV on the couch. I was grateful when she told me she wouldn’t mind babysitting late any time I needed it, that Jake was a good kid and she loved watching him.
Apparently, they’d played a few games and watched a movie. The movie being what finally put him to bed. It seemed like they had a good time, which I was extremely grateful for. Hopefully that meant Jake would fight me a lot less next time I went on a date with Peter.
A real date. I was excited to see him for lunch on Monday, but I couldn’t wait to have another night date again.
I peeked in on Jake, who was sleeping soundly in his bed. I closed the door slowly to avoid waking him up and then went to my own bedroom.
I was exhausted. It had been a long day, full of emotions, both good and bad. And now that I was home again, without Peter to distract me, the worries about my sister came flooding back to me.
But I couldn’t fall into this again. I had to keep my composure. For myself, for Jake. And maybe soon, for Peter.
I fell asleep to alternating dreams of Peter and Sabrina.
7
Peter
I had fallen in love and I wanted to yell it from the rooftops.
I’d only been dating Luke for a few weeks but fuck, I couldn’t control how hard I was falling for him.
He was an amazing person and the more I got to know him the more I realized it. And despite both
of our busy schedules, I’d gotten to know him quite a bit.
That Monday lunch he brought me at the pumpkin patch the week after our first date turned into a daily standing lunch date. Every single day he picked up some food, drove out to the pumpkin patch, and we ate at a bench that sat in front of the pumpkins and corn maze.
It was absolutely amazing. Each day I got to have lunch in my favorite place with my favorite man. Between our daily meetings, which lasted about two hours, we were constantly texting. We kept seeing each other every Friday night too, but besides that, we didn’t visit on the weekends.
Which I understood, as he didn’t want to leave Jake with a sitter too often. Especially not right now, at such a fragile time in his life.
Still, I missed him all the time I wasn’t with him. I felt pretty guilty about it, but I found myself constantly thinking about what life would be like when Luke no longer had to care for Jake.
I knew it was a horrible thought, and I felt terrible for Jake. I hadn’t formally met him yet; it was a little soon for that and Luke thought it’d only confuse him more at a very sensitive time. But Luke was always telling me stories and he sounded like a sweet kid. A kid I’d really get along with.
But this was why I didn’t date men with kids. I didn’t want our time together to be split. He had a responsibility to Jake and I respected it, but how great would things be without that responsibility?
We could see each other all the time. We could go on dates whenever we wanted and sleep over whenever we wanted, and we’d have the freedom to spend as much time together as we wanted.
I never said this, though. I was just going to patiently wait until things settled down in Luke’s life. Eventually he wouldn’t have Jake and eventually we’ll have all that time; it wasn’t as if I was dating an actual father.
And thank God for that, because if I knew Luke was a father, I never would have gone for him. Hell, if I found out he had kids now even after I already was in love with him, I didn’t know if I could stay.
