“What do we need to do? Can I call the airline and get us tickets? I know you’ll want to go be with your mom.”
She jerked. This thought had never occurred to her. She would go. Neil? Fuck no. She twisted her face toward him, swiping at her tears, pulling herself together, or at least snapping out of it. “God no.” She shook her head.
He frowned, searching her face. “You’re not planning to go?”
“I’m going. You’re not.”
“Heather…”
She jumped off his lap and staggered backward, shaking her head again. “Not a chance in hell, Neil.”
He rose slowly, giving her space. “But we’re a couple, Heather. When one of us hurts the other is there to comfort.”
“No. Neil, no. Not this time. Not this thing. I won’t mix the filth that is my past with the beauty that is my future. I don’t want you to see where I came from. I don’t want you to meet my stupid mother.”
He swallowed visibly. “I know you’re upset, baby. No matter how much you disliked your father, he was—”
She held out a hand. “Don’t go there, Neil. He was a drunk and an asshole who made my life hell and ruined my mother’s. I will not shed a tear for him.” She wiped the tears away again, realizing what it looked like. “These tears are not for my fucking father. They aren’t even for my mother. I feel only the barest of humane things for her. I’d like to be the sort of person who could yell at her and tell her how she fucked up my life. Sometimes I think I hate her more than I hated him.”
Neil nodded. “I get that.”
She wiped away more tears. “The tears are for us. Me and you. I couldn’t just have happiness. Two weeks. I got to pretend I was a regular person in a regular relationship for a whopping two weeks before my parents had to go and fuck it up.”
Neil’s eyes widened. “Heather, nothing between us is fucked-up.”
She chuckled sardonically. “Oh, you just wait and see. Somehow, I’ll get sucked into my mother’s fucking problems. Somehow my past will seep into my skin and ruin my life. That’s how it works. People like me don’t get to run away from their problems, build something pretty, and keep it.”
“Heather…” He looked so forlorn.
She felt every ounce of that sensation. Her heart was racing. She gave a sardonic laugh. “I should have known. Hell, I did know. It was all too good to be true. The universe is laughing at me for my audacity. Sneaking off the day after graduation as if I could build a better life. Running halfway across the country to take a job doing something for me. Making friends. Getting my own apartment. Meeting a fucking perfect man who loves me and treats me like I’m a queen.”
He opened his mouth, but she shook her head. “Nope. This is not my lot in life. I get to go back to the fucking town I grew up in, bury my asshole of a father, and deal with my stupid mother.”
“Please let me come with you.”
“No.” She turned and rushed from the room. She’d sat on the floor for too long. She needed to pack and call the airline and get on a standby flight out.
“Heather…” he whispered from the doorway. “Don’t do this. You don’t have to be alone. Nothing between us changes, baby.” He stepped closer, putting his hands on her shoulders.
She let him turn her around because she couldn’t be mean to him. Not after the way he’d treated her for all this time.
He cupped her face. “You’re right, you know. I do love you. I’m sorry I haven’t said it out loud yet. I didn’t want to spook you. But I love you so much it hurts. Please let me come with you.”
She shook her head yet again. “No. I have to do this on my own. I really don’t want you there. It would stress me out beyond measure for you to be exposed to my shitty past.”
He pursed his lips for a few seconds and finally pulled in a long breath. “Okay, I’ll respect your wishes, but you’ll call me every few hours, and if I get a single hint that you’re not okay, I’ll be on the next plane.”
She nodded. “Okay.” Relief that he was done arguing with her helped her pull it together. The important thing was that he wasn’t going with her.
Maybe she was overreacting. Maybe somehow, someway, she could take care of business and come back to him. If there was even a sliver of a chance of that happening, she didn’t want him to have been exposed to the ugliest parts of her crappy life. She didn’t want it to change how he looked at her.
It was one thing for her to tell him her father had been abusive. It was another thing entirely to take him into that house and let the oppressiveness of the situation touch him.
She sucked in a deep breath and grabbed his waist. “I’ll be fine. I promise. Just, please. Stay here. Let me clean this mess up.”
He looked lost and uncertain, but he nodded. “Okay, baby.”
She rushed around the room, grabbing clothes and toiletries, stuffing them in her suitcase. It wasn’t hard to pack. She didn’t even own much. How ironic. She hadn’t owned anything when she came to Dallas, and now she’d come full circle. Once again, she owned nothing.
Neil silently helped her, handing her things like shoes and undergarments when she forgot them. If it weren’t for him paying close attention, she would have left the house with a ridiculous assortment of clothes that made no sense together.
She placed a few calls to the airline, one to secure a seat on the next flight and one to her boss to once again take time off work. At some point, her boss was going to stop believing her if she had many more tragic life events.
Neil stopped her as she was headed out the door. She was so distracted, she might have been halfway to the airport before realizing she hadn’t said goodbye.
He slid his hands up her biceps. “Look at me, Heather.”
She met his gaze.
“Call me when you land.”
She nodded.
“Please don’t shut me out.” His voice rose a bit in pitch.
“I won’t.” Would she?
“I love you.”
She gave him a hug and left him standing there in the kitchen. She loved him fiercely, but she wouldn’t jinx it by saying it out loud. The universe was already laughing at her.
She drove to the airport by rote, not remembering a moment of the drive. The next flight to Columbus had plenty of seats, and she was in the air in no time.
She managed to nap a while on the plane, but it left her feeling groggy and disoriented as she followed the signs toward the rental cars. Neil had texted her that he’d reserved her a car. Bless him. He’d also booked a hotel room. Double bless him.
She hadn’t thought of either of those things, and it was late. She wouldn’t go to her childhood home tonight. She wasn’t ready to face her mother yet. She just wanted to sleep.
When she got to the hotel, she dropped her bags, peeled off her clothes, and climbed into bed. It wasn’t until she was lying down that she finally called Neil.
“Hey, baby. Did you make it okay?”
“Yes. I’m at the hotel. Thank you so much for booking everything for me. I wasn’t thinking. I’m not sure what I thought I was going to do when I arrived.”
“That’s what I figured. And I assumed you’d rather have a place to sleep in peace tonight. I didn’t get the vibe you wanted to drive straight to your mom’s and stay with her.”
“God, no. I wouldn’t have done that. You’re right. Tomorrow is soon enough. At least I will have slept before I face her.”
“I know you’ve spoken to her periodically over the years, but have you seen her since you left home?”
“Nope. Nine years. One-third of my life. I never looked back.” Heather cringed. She wondered if the house would look any different. What had they done with her bedroom? Would there still be gouges in the wall on the inside of her closet where she used to sit and stab at it with a pocket knife to distract herself and blow off steam while her father shouted?
“Do you think you can sleep, baby?”
“Yeah. I’m exhausted. I’m not even go
ing to set an alarm. The curtains in this room look like they’re going to block out everything. When I wake up, I wake up. Then I’ll face my mother.”
“Call me when you wake up, okay?”
“Yes.” She pursed her lips, trying not to cry again.
“Heather?”
She swallowed back the tears. If she didn’t, she’d end up going around and around with him again, and she was too tired. “I’ll call you in the morning.” She ended the call and then let the tears fall.
It was strange, all this crying. It had not a damn thing to do with her parents. This time she was crying because Neil was so fucking nice. He’d thought of everything and always said the right things.
She didn’t deserve him. And he didn’t deserve having her mess tossed in his lap. He was the best person she knew. Why on earth would he fall for someone like her?
She closed her eyes, putting an end to her pity party. She knew she was being too hard on herself and unreasonable. She could hear her last therapist’s voice in her head, telling her she was strong and capable. Encouraging her to shake off her past and start fresh.
What was she supposed to do if her past came back to bite her in the ass? Because she knew without a doubt this situation was going to be a disaster. Her mother had never worked a day in her life. She’d rarely left the house. She was probably agoraphobic.
There was no way Heather’s father had left money. He wasn’t the sort of person who saved or had a 401k or gave one single fuck to what might happen to the people around him if he died.
Heather felt like she was going to vomit. She didn’t want this responsibility. She didn’t want to plan a funeral or see to her mom or deal with the house and the cars. She’d left this life.
Rolling into a ball, she took several deep breaths and willed her mind to stop racing. Exhaustion pulled her blessedly under.
Chapter 16
As Heather came slowly awake and rolled onto her back, she glanced at the clock and gasped. It was eleven. She’d slept like a rock. Neil would be worried.
She reached for her phone on the nightstand. Sure enough, he’d texted to make sure she was okay.
She called him immediately.
“Hey. I was worried about you.”
She smiled at the sound of his voice. “I just woke up.”
“Wow. I’m glad. You needed the sleep.”
She stretched. “I feel better. I think.”
“So what’s the game plan? You sure you don’t want me to come? Say the word and I’m there.”
“Thank you. Really. I mean it. I’m sorry I’m being so weird about this, but I really don’t want you to see any of this, and I don’t want you to meet my mother.”
“Baby…”
She swallowed. “I don’t belong here. This isn’t my life anymore. If I can manage to clean up my father’s undoubtedly huge mess and find a way to get my mother settled and escape unscathed, it will be a miracle.”
“If anyone can do it, you can.”
“I can’t thank you enough. You’re my rock. I know we’ve only been together a short while, but I want you to know how much it’s meant to me to pretend to be normal for even that length of time.”
“Heather, you are normal. This isn’t make-believe. This is real life. You. Me. Us. We’re solid. We didn’t need years to figure it out. We only needed days. We’re going to get through this. I promise. When you hit a stumbling block, call me and I’ll help you solve it from here.”
She closed her eyes and smiled broader. She’d never considered herself to be very lucky in life, but even if things fell apart and Neil got tired of her in days or weeks or months, she would still count this time with him as a blessing. No matter what, the stars had aligned in her favor to have the privilege of his support this week.
“I should probably get in the shower and head over to the house.”
“Okay. Keep me apprised.”
“I will.”
“Heather?”
“Yeah?” She softened at his tone.
“I mean it. I love you. I don’t need you to say it back. I need you to feel my love. Feel my arms around you while you work through this.”
“Thank you.” She ended the call, once again holding back tears.
Once she shoved herself out of bed and stepped into the shower, she regained her composure. She was grateful for the extra sleep. Hopefully, it would help her face the day.
An hour later, after stopping to eat a solid meal, she pulled up in front of her childhood home. Taking a deep breath, she stepped out of the car.
The front of the house looked almost the same. No one had painted it in the past nine years, so the siding was chipped and worn. The shrubs were overgrown and in desperate need of not just a trim but removal. They were probably thirty years old and had been neglected for nearly all of that time.
The lawn hadn’t been mowed, but there wasn’t much of it. Most of the yard was dirt and weeds. About how she’d remembered it.
The front door opened while she was still standing next to the car, and it took a moment for Heather to recognize Mrs. Tullius. The woman had aged considerably. To Heather, she’d always been old, but she realized the woman was probably in her mid-seventies.
Not so old really. But for this neighborhood, she would be considered old. People on this side of town aged early. Hard lives, minimum-wage jobs, lack of medical care, and poor eating habits aged people.
“My goodness, child. You have sure grown up.” Mrs. Tullius waved her forward. “Come on inside.”
The neighbor’s presence meant Heather’s mother was probably still not in a good place. She was lucky to have a kind neighbor who’d let her use her phone for the past nine years and had come to take care of her in her…grief?
Heather wondered if her mother grieved her father or cursed his dead body.
Her legs felt heavy as she approached, and she winced the moment she stepped inside. The place reeked of cigarette smoke and stale booze. It always had, but after being away almost a decade, Heather had forgotten that smell.
Heather was surprised to find her mother pacing the living room, but not half as surprised as she was to see how much the woman had aged. Far more than Mrs. Tullius.
“Melanie?” Mrs. Tullius said to get her mother’s attention. “Heather is here.”
Her mother hesitated and then lifted her gaze. Her face was weathered and hard. Her hair, which had once closely resembled Heather’s own long curls, was dank and gray. It was still long, hanging down her back. It hadn’t been combed or even washed in a while.
She was rail-thin and wearing a cotton dress that looked so old Heather thought she remembered it. She had on a sweater to stave off the chills, the ends frayed and unraveling.
She crossed her arms and stared at Heather as if not recognizing her for a long time, and then she started crying and rushed across the room to hug Heather, wrapping her arms around her daughter’s entire torso, even pinning her arms, which was fine because it kept Heather from reciprocating.
“I’m so glad you’re here.” She leaned back, tears streaming down her cheeks. She looked every bit the grieving widow. Did that make sense? Did abuse victims grieve their abusers when they died?
Probably. Heather was struggling to give a fuck, but she’d been gone a long time and had years of counseling to pull herself together.
Her mother finally looked Heather up and down. “You’re so pretty.”
Heather drew in a breath. “Thank you.” She stepped away from her mother, unnerved by the odd contact.
As she glanced around, she realized nothing had changed. It was like time had stood still. Same dingy couch. Same carpet. Nothing had been painted. The walls were dirty. The coffee table had the chip in the corner from the time her father had thrown an entire bottle of whisky across the room because he was mad about the score of a football game.
Ah, the television was newer. Not brand new, but not the same one from nine years ago. The pictures on the wall hadn’t ch
anged. They were decades old, hung when Heather was very young and they’d first moved in. Back when her mother probably still had hope that her husband would one day be a good man.
“Have you eaten? I could fix you something.” Her mother said.
Heather shook her head. “I’ve eaten.” She seriously doubted there was food in his house. Not anything worth speaking of.
Mrs. Tullius gave Heather a brief hug. “I need to go check on Jack. I’m glad you’re here. Let me know if you need anything.” She rushed out the door. Jack was her own rather useless husband. Heather wasn’t sure the man had ever held down a job for more than a few months, but at least he wasn’t abusive.
No doubt Mrs. Tullius was relieved that Heather had arrived so she could pass the baton of responsibility. Great.
Heather left her mother standing in the living room to wander into the kitchen. Same table and chairs. Same appliances. The fridge was so old it was on its last leg and whining loudly. There was no microwave. Her father had never bought one. He’d insisted they caused cancer and that her mother could heat her damn food up on the stove.
There were a few dishes piled up in the sink, leaving Heather to assume her mother had at least eaten something in the last day. She wouldn’t have left a dish sitting around if Frank had been expected. But the asshole was dead now, so his wife didn’t need to wash every dish as soon as it was dirty today.
“Your old room is the same,” her mother muttered from behind. “Frank always wanted me to throw everything away and turn it into a man cave, but I never did.”
Bile rose in Heather’s throat. She’d almost rather they had burned her childhood room to the ground than face the memories, but she wandered down the hall toward her past, hating that she was shaking.
No one’s going to hurt me here. Not today. She had to keep reminding herself of that fact. The deeper she stepped into this vile house, the more pressure she felt on her chest. As if the house might suck her back in and never let her leave, punishing her for having the gall to think she could escape.
Heather’s breath caught in her throat as she stepped into her childhood room. It was like a shrine. Every damn thing was exactly where she’d left it, even her notebooks from the last day of school. Her backpack—the one with the hole in the side that caused her to continually lose pencils. She’d carried it for six years. No one ever offered to buy her a new one. It had been from goodwill in the first place.
Jetway Page 14
