by C. M. Albert
I will not cry. I will not cry.
She headed for the door, not looking back. But Zade was right on her heels. He grabbed her arm and spun her around, forcing her to meet his gaze. “I can’t do this right now, Zade.”
“Why? I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I just wanted to tell you so you didn’t hear about it from anyone else first.”
“Oh, God. Other people know?” Rosalie felt so stupid. They must be laughing at her. Was Dez? Knowing she’d had Zade in her bed first. The thought of Dez and Zade sleeping together made her physically ill. They would be gorgeous together. They made more sense.
“It’s not like that, Rosalie. Only Dez, Mitch, Egan, and Celeste know what happened.”
Rosalie knew she was being unfair and overreacting, but every word he said made it worse. He didn’t understand what it felt like to always be the odd one out. He and Dez were both so perfect. In his whole life, Rosalie bet he’d never felt rejection. And it was all Rosalie seemed to face. She couldn’t take anymore.
“I can’t—” she said again, reaching for the doorknob.
“Rosalie!” He followed her into the hallway. “It seriously meant nothing to either of us. It never even would’ve happened if not for the tequila.”
“But it did,” she said, her chest feeling as if it were collapsing in on itself and suffocating her.
“I just wish it had been with anyone other than Dez,” she choked out as she entered the elevator.
“It doesn’t change a damn thing,” Zade said, blocking the doors from closing. His eyes bore into hers, pleading. He was everything she’d ever wanted but never believed was possible. But he was too good to be true. Rosalie didn’t know if she could ever erase the images that were going through her mind as she imagined Dez and Zade sleeping together. No, not sleeping. Fucking.
They’d probably had wild, uninhibited, drunken sex.
How did she not see this coming? Had she been so blinded by his dorky pick-up lines and gorgeous green eyes that she couldn’t even read his energy right to know he was hiding a secret? God she was stupid. It felt like Rocco all over again. Falling for the popular guy she could never really have.
And she had. She’d fallen for Zade. She could see that now as they stood there, staring into each other’s eyes one last time.
“Let me go,” she whispered, pressing the down button. When the elevator doors didn’t close because Zade was still standing between them, she cried out in frustration. “Let me go, I said!”
Devastation filled Zade’s eyes, but he stepped back. “Rosalie—”
“Don’t,” she said. “It’s for the best. It never would have lasted anyway with us being on different coasts.”
“You don’t know that,” he said. “Please don’t give up on us so easily.”
Rosalie choked back a sob as the elevator doors closed and Zade vanished right in front of her eyes.
ROSALIE WAS NUMB. Despite telling Zade she had to go home and pack, or her best intentions of spending time with Brecken, Rosalie knew what she needed more than anything. The one thing she’d been missing her whole life. A friend. A real friend.
When Egan opened the door to Tranquility, she had to bite her lip hard to stop herself from crying. It must not have worked, because he took one look at her face and pulled her inside, wrapping her in a huge bear hug. It sent her over the edge, and the tears rolled from the corners of her eyes without permission.
“Hey,” Celeste said, coming from around the corner with Dylan on her hip, “I thought I heard someone come in. You okay?”
When Rosalie pulled back from Egan, she saw the empathy in her friend’s eyes and almost cried harder. God! This is so stupid, thought Rosalie. Why am I even crying? It’s not like this was going anywhere. But the truth was, no matter what their future held, Zade had already found a shortcut straight to her heart.
“Here,” Celeste said, handing the baby to Egan. “She’s ready for her nap. Would you mind putting her down?”
Rosalie couldn’t help but smile when Dylan reached for her daddy with chubby, little fists, squealing in delight. “Don’t rile her up, Egan. I mean it,” Celeste joked.
“Who, me?” he asked. “I can’t help it if I naturally make my girls happy.” He winked at Celeste and pecked her cheek on the way out.
“Rosalie,” he said at the last moment, “whatever he did, it’s just noise. Think about what you really want from Zade, and find your way through this. He’s crazy about you—even I can see that. Whatever happened can be fixed.”
“How did you know this was about Zade?”
“In my whole time of knowing you, Rosalie, I’ve never seen you cry. These are man-made tears.” Egan looked over at Celeste. “I almost lost the love of my life once, and the best thing I ever did was come home and claim the love that I wasn’t even sure I was worthy of. It’s worth the risk. It’s worth everything.”
The way Egan looked at Celeste when he said that made Rosalie long for what they had. How, though? When she was moving across the country? She wished it was as easy as what they had. But then she remembered what they went through. Egan, too, lived somewhere else when he first met Celeste. Yet, somehow, here they were. Together. With a beautiful baby, and building their dream together at Tranquility.
Rosalie sighed. Am I blowing this out of proportion? Her shoulders relaxed and she half-smiled at Egan. “Thanks. That’s exactly what I needed to hear.”
“Oh, great,” Celeste said, rolling her eyes dramatically. “Are you trying to take my job, mister?”
“No one could replace you, Celeste,” Rosalie said, wrapping an arm around her friend’s shoulder. “But it’s nice to hear a guy’s perspective, too.”
“Bye, ladies. I have a little miss to go sing lullabies to.”
“So,” Celeste said, turning to look at Rosalie. “Walk? Tea? Punching bag? What does your heart need right now?”
“How about a walk around the lake?” Rosalie suggested, relieved that she had such a good friend now whom she could drop in on unexpectedly and receive a warm welcome.
Celeste nodded. “Let me grab my sneakers,” she said, waving for Rosalie to follow her. “We’ll leave from the porch up here so we don’t disturb Dylan.”
Before long, they were entrenched in the woods that surrounded the lake. They were on a walking trail designed for relaxation, reflection, and respite. And it was exactly the energy Rosalie needed. “If I lived here, I’d be out by the lake every day,” Rosalie said, sighing dreamily. She was going to miss all this green in California.
“Am I doing the right thing?” she asked her friend.
“Which part?” Celeste asked.
“I don’t know. Moving for the show. Leaving my friends and family behind. Walking away from Zade.”
“Why does it have to mean walking away from him?” Celeste asked, their pace slow and leisurely.
Rosalie stopped when they reached a wooden overlook jutting out over the water. She sat on one of the benches near the railing and put her head on her folded arms, staring out at the peaceful calm that surrounded her. “I know he slept with Dez, Celeste.”
“And?”
Rosalie whipped her head around, incredulous. “What do you mean and? His penis was inside my friend! A friend I was coming to love and trust. And she never said a word to me! What kind of friend is that?”
Celeste’s mouth was wobbly, as if she was trying not to laugh.
“Celeste! I’m serious. I feel like a complete fool. Dez already bagged Mitch right out from under me. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I now learn she slept with Zade first! Which means I got sloppy seconds.”
“Oh my God! You slept with him?”
“That’s not the point.”
“It’s totally the point! Did it feel sloppy? Was it authentic? Or did you feel like he was using you?”
“No,” Rosalie huffed. “It was fantastic! It was the best freaking sex of my life!”
“Then what’s the real problem, Rosa
lie? If he told you about Dez, it’s obvious that he cares about you and doesn’t want to keep secrets. You’d also know that it never went beyond that one time. He hasn’t had a girlfriend the entire time that I’ve lived here either. So, despite what happened with Dez, he’s not a casual dater from what I’ve seen. If he’s having sex with you, it’s real. So why let one mistake come between you?”
Wow. That struck home.
Zade hadn’t let her one huge mistake named Mr. Durant affect how he felt about her. In fact, he consoled her after she’d told him that. Made love to her. Cherished her. Rosalie could still feel the traces of his lips along the side of her body, making her feel things she’d never felt before.
God, I’m stupid!
“I guess it’s ego,” she admitted. “It hurt that it was with someone I knew. The fact is, if it had been with anyone else, I wouldn’t have cared at all. One-night stands happen. I get it. But it was with Dez!”
“Do you think this changes how she feels about you? Or that you can’t trust your friendship now? Because I know nothing could be farther from the truth. And Rosalie, she wanted to tell you. As soon as she saw you and Zade getting cozy, she felt horrible about the whole thing. But she really felt like it should come from Zade.”
Rosalie took a deep lungful of air and closed her eyes. She pressed her thumbs on each hand to the four other fingers in meditation, one after another, repeating her mantra: “Peace, harmony, quiet, joy. Peace, harmony, quiet, joy.” It was something Celeste had taught her to bring her back to the present in a mindful way and clear her head of what was bothering her.
After a few rounds, she felt much calmer.
“I knew Mitch wasn’t the one for me. He’s handsome and kind, but I mistook his friendship. I felt so embarrassed throwing myself at him when all along he was falling for Dez. I never stood a chance.”
Rosalie picked at the wood on the railing. “It was humiliating, that’s all. Now, it seems as if everyone but me knew about what happened between Zade and Dez. Celeste, you know how hard it is for me. We’ve talked about my past before. I’ve been humiliated time and time again when it comes to dating and my sexual past. I never wanted those feelings to come into my relationship with Zade. It feels so different with him.”
“Oh, Rosalie,” Celeste said, sitting next to her friend on the bench and wrapping her in a half hug. “It’s completely different. You should feel no embarrassment at all about what happened between them. That was their mistake. And trust me, Mitch didn’t take too kindly to it either, but he also didn’t let it stop him from going after the best thing that ever happened to him. What’s more important? Your pride? Or your heart?”
Rosalie thought about it. Was she being unnecessarily prideful?
“Can I tell you what I think?” Celeste said quietly after a few moments.
“Of course. That’s why I came to you. You always seem to have the right answers and help me think about things in a different way.”
“Well, I certainly don’t always have the right answers. I’m not perfect by any means. But it’s easier to see the bigger picture when you’re not boxed in by the frame.”
“The frame being my own junk I’m bringing to the situation?” Rosalie asked. “The ways I’m limiting myself?”
“You got it,” her friend said and laughed. “The bigger picture is this: You’ve been hurt a lot, Rosalie. It may not feel like it, but I think you’re struggling with the fear of abandonment, more than the fear of humiliation.”
Ouch.
Was it true though?
“Like, fearful of being left again?” she asked.
“Part of it. I think it’s preventing you from opening your heart romantically and really loving, too. Abandonment comes in many forms: a parent not being there for you the way you needed, someone dying, someone physically leaving you or not being there emotionally for you. There are so many things that can trigger abandonment issues for us.”
“Like my birth mother giving me up,” Rosalie said, considering. “And my adoptive parents not knowing how to accept me and support me and my ‘gifts.’” Rosalie snorted. “And Annalise,” she said quietly.
“You’re friends with Annalise?” Celeste asked.
“Was. We were really young when we became practically best friends. When she found out about my gifts, she told other kids. And when those kids called me a freak, it was too much for her. I guess she didn’t want to be friends with someone who was different. That would bring her reputation down.”
“Rosie,” Celeste said quietly, “she was just a kid, too. I know it doesn’t take the pain away, or excuse what she did or how it made you feel, but consider the option that she was most likely insecure, too, and handled it the only way she knew how.”
“Annalise? Insecure? Not likely. She’s always been the most confident girl I’ve ever known.”
Rosalie thought back to when she was growing up and other ways that she may have felt abandoned. She sighed. “I think you might be right about the abandonment theory though. When my adoptive parents died, I was mad. Not that they weren’t there for me the way I needed while I was growing up, but I guess I did feel abandoned again, though I might not have called it that before.
“I was also thrown to the wolves by Rocco, after being embarrassed in front of the entire school.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“Completely, utterly alone,” Rosalie admitted. “Any friend I thought I had left flew the coop.” She nodded her head. “I’m seeing a trend here, Celeste. But what do I do about it?”
“I think you start by recognizing the fact that you’re scared to open your heart to love again. To trust fully. To accept that Zade may actually mean what he says and not hurt you. Which would make you vulnerable. Being vulnerable sucks sometimes,” Celeste said and chuckled. “It raises our hackles and triggers us more than anything. But it’s completely worth it.”
“Christ,” Rosalie said, shaking her head, “you may be right.”
“It’s not about being right. It’s about shining the light on what’s ready to be healed. I think it’s time for that, Rosalie. To let go of these fears that are holding you back.”
“Or boxing me in?” she said, teasing.
“Exactly. Don’t use the situation with Dez as a cop-out for not letting Zade in all the way.”
“But I’m still leaving. How can I let him in and then move across the country away from him? That would kill me.”
“What would kill you more though—walking away from Zade and always wondering what could have been with the one man you can actually trust with your heart, or really opening up and letting love in? If you come to love each other, you’ll find a way. Things have a way of working out exactly how you need them to. The hardest part is letting go and trusting that God has your back. Sometimes we aren’t meant to know the whole picture yet, or the steps we need to take to get there, Rosalie. We have to just be present today. Love today.”
“So I should love him and leave him, then?” Rosalie asked, confused.
“No. You should love him and follow your dreams. You’re never more fully aligned than when you’re living your purpose and open to love. It’s what we all spend our lives searching for. Don’t be scared to let it happen.”
THEY FINISHED THEIR walk and had lunch together on the back porch, Celeste excitedly sharing the plans she and Egan had for opening a school on the property where she and other healers, mystics, psychics, and spiritual intuitives could teach. It excited Rosalie almost as much as Celeste.
“I can totally see your vision, Celeste! I’m so excited for you!”
“Thanks,” Celeste said, smiling between bites of the spinach salad they’d thrown together. “It was always in my ten-year plan, but when you’re in your flow, you’re in your flow. We manifested all of this far faster than I ever imagined. We’ll offer other artistic classes, too, to fill in the gaps between the more metaphysical and spiritual ones. Photography by Dez. Sculpting by Mitch. That
kind of stuff.”
It made Rosalie a little sad to not be a part of it. But she’d always wanted to leave Arden’s Glen—and now she had the chance. Nothing was going to stand in the way of going after her dream. Not the man she’d accidentally fallen in love with. And certainly not the dull ache that pierced her heart when she thought of the other dream she’d never really dared to admit to anyone other than Zade—to open her own art studio here in town.
She was happy for Celeste, though, and hugged her hard when it was time to go. “I’m not sure when I will see you again, Celeste. Thank you for being there for me today. I’m going to miss you so much!”
“Well, I for one can’t wait to see you on TV! I am so excited to see what you uncover. Do you have any idea where you’re starting?”
“Yeah, actually. I’ve already started doing some research on it. It’s a small town in Pennsylvania that almost feels forgotten it’s so tiny. And here I thought Arden’s Glen was small!”
“Well, try to have fun and enjoy all the new experiences. Don’t lose sight of your purpose while you’re out there, okay? You have a real gift, and it’s helped a lot of people. I’ll keep you in my prayers while you get settled, okay?”
“Thanks, Celeste. For everything.”
“Do me a favor, will you?” she asked before heading back inside. “Say goodbye to Dez. Don’t let this thing fester between you. She didn’t do anything wrong, Rosalie. She didn’t even know you at the time. She wasn’t always the put-together, confident Dez you know now. She was once in a lot of pain, too, and you more than anyone should be able to sympathize with that and understand why she might’ve used sex to cope with some of her hurt.”
“When you put it that way,” Rosalie said. “You’re absolutely right, Celeste. Thank you.”
“Remember, it’s not about being right,” Celeste teased gently.
“It’s about healing,” Rosalie finished.
All she thought about on the way home was how she wanted nothing more than to heal so she could find the courage to do the bravest thing she’d ever face—to love and be loved in return.
