by Lisa Suzanne
“But who will take pictures?” she asks.
“I wasn’t even here taking them up until a few nights ago, so I think they’ll be fine.” The truth is that I already told Brett I don’t want to be away from Chance, and he already agreed that it’s fine if I don’t snap pictures tonight.
It feels too soon to leave this little boy after he was just at the ER. I realize it wasn’t serious and it’s just an ear infection that’s already a whole lot better, but I need a night before I’m ready to just hand him over.
Amanda narrows her eyes at me. “Are you sure?”
I nod. “Positive. I’d love to do this for you.” We’re sort of our own little band of caretakers now. I’d like to say a band of mothers...but I’m not a mother and I won’t label myself as such. It feels too much like I’m taking that title from the woman who holds it, regardless of whether she’s here or not.
“I’d love to watch Dustin up on stage since I haven’t seen the full show this tour yet,” she admits.
“Then do it. We’ll be fine.”
Amanda and Danielle exchange a glance. Danielle nods, and Amanda grins. “Okay. We’ll do it.” She sniffs the air and makes a face. “I need to go change a diaper.”
Danielle and I laugh, and Amanda disappears into the bedroom.
“You doing okay?” Danielle asks as she turns in toward me on the couch. We both watch Luna try to cover up a crawling Chance with a blanket like he’s her baby doll.
“Yeah, I’m okay. It was a scary night.”
She presses her lips together and nods. “I can imagine. It’s nice of you to stay with the kids tonight.”
“We’ll watch movies and eat snacks and I’ll get them all sugared up before I drop them off.”
Danielle laughs. “Sounds great.” She pauses, and then she asks, “Is Brett being nice to you? He can be a lot to handle.”
I nod as I keep my eyes down on Chance. “He’s been...” I shrug and then I look up at Danielle with shining eyes. “Wonderful.”
Danielle turns her head a little but doesn’t move her eyes from my face. “Am I sensing something in your tone?”
I press my lips together. “Maybe.”
“You can talk to me, you know.”
“I know. And yeah. I like him.” My face turns beet red. I feel like I’m in junior high gabbing with my girlfriend right now. “And I think maybe he likes me, too.”
She raises both brows in surprise. “You do?”
I clear my throat. I’ve never been a gossiper or a kiss and tell kind of girl...but I feel like I could use Danielle’s take on this situation. She knows him better than I do, and she might be able to offer some perspective. “He kissed me last night.”
“Just a kiss?” she asks, and I can’t tell if she’s judging or clarifying.
I nod.
“Whoa.”
My brows crinkle. “Whoa?” I repeat. “What does that mean?”
She offers a small chuckle. “It means I’m shocked. I don’t know if Brett has ever kissed a woman without ripping off her clothes immediately afterward.”
I scrunch up my nose. “So maybe he doesn’t like me if he didn’t want to rip my clothes off.”
“Oh no,” she says, holding up a hand and waving it around a little. “That’s not what I meant. He and Tommy, and even Tyler before we were together...they like what they like, I guess, and they like sex without attachment. So if he kissed you and it was just a kiss, I think coming from him, that means more than if sex followed it up.”
“You think?” I ask, and I can’t help the little flip of my stomach at the thought.
She nods. “Afraid so, my friend. Tell me about the kiss.”
“I think it was out of relief when we got back from the hospital. Relief it wasn’t anything serious with Chance, and you know how you just sort of crash down off an emotional thing like that, and I guess we just crashed into each other. It was soft and slow and his hands were on me and...” I trail off and sigh dreamily as butterflies attack my insides at the memory.
She studies me quietly, and when I finally glance over at her, she gives me a pointed look. “Hannah, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but I think you more than like him.”
I twist my lips. I hated him a few days ago, but every second I’ve spent with him has worked to change those initial feelings I had. “You think so?”
She shrugs. “Afraid so.”
“So what do I do? I mean...my sister had his kid. She’d die to have this chance to travel the country on his tour bus...” I trail off. It’s because she died that I’m getting this chance, and the irony is complicated and devastating and overwhelming. “Isn’t it weird for me to be with him when he was with my sister?” I finish.
“They were together for one night.” She holds up a single finger. “One. It’s not like they were married. It’s not even like they had a relationship.”
“Yeah, but if he’d have gotten to know her, he would’ve wanted to.” I pick at a loose thread on my shorts.
“If it was meant to be, it would have been,” she says, and her words are so simple that they strike a chord in me. “You can drive yourself crazy with the ifs and buts, but you can’t change what happened.” She pauses, and then she reaches over and squeezes my hand as she says all the same things I could just hear Brie saying to me.
“My sister used to tell me ifs and buts just make you nuts.”
“It’s true. You deserve happiness. Everybody does. Don’t get up in your own head about it. I know it’s hard, but remember that life has to go on for you, and it’s okay to move forward.”
I want to believe her, and not just because I think I want to be with him. I want to believe her because I know I need to move forward with my life, whatever that looks like. Maybe it includes Brett in it. It should include Brett in it, because if it doesn’t, either he won’t be around his own kid or I won’t be around the nephew who is basically a son to me, and the thought of that is nearly too painful to bear.
“Everyone wants that perfect, beautiful love story, but they’re usually messy and sometimes ugly and rarely what we think they’ll be. I’m just saying...what if your love story and his are the same one?” she asks.
Amanda returns with Maya and looks between the two of us. “Am I interrupting?”
I shake my head. “I was just telling Danielle that I think I’m starting to feel something for Brett.”
Amanda’s eyes light up. “You are?” She sets Maya back on the blanket covering the floor. She kneels then rests her butt on the heels of her feet to stay in close proximity to her baby. “I say go for it. Danielle and I were just saying that he’s a totally different guy since you two joined us.”
“He is?” I ask.
Amanda slaps a hand over her mouth like she’s already said too much. Then she shrugs as she seems to think twice about it.
“He is,” Danielle confirms. “He’s got a little spring in his step that wasn’t there before, but there’s something else. He’s just...”
“Different,” Amanda fills in.
“Yeah. Different,” Danielle repeats.
“Different how?” I ask.
Both ladies shrug, but it’s Danielle who takes the lead. “She’s known him longer, so she could probably speak more to how different he is, but he’s...how do I put this nicely? Less of an A-hole.”
I laugh and set a hand on my chest. “And you think that has something to do with me?”
Amanda shrugs. “It’s awfully coincidental that you step into his life with a kid he didn’t know he fathered and suddenly he’s nicer to everyone around him. If it’s not you, I’m not sure what it is.”
“And the way he searches the room for you, too,” Danielle says. “When they came back to the green room from soundcheck the other day, I saw him look all around the room for you, and you were in a corner checking some of the images on the camera. His eyes lit up when he spotted you, and he didn’t bother with anyone else in the room. Instead, he moved
right toward you and ignored everyone else.”
“Yeah, to see what I shot during the check,” I protest, and both women shake their heads.
“It’s more than that,” Danielle says.
“Definitely,” Amanda agrees.
“So what do I do?” I ask. “I’m having all these raging feelings for him, but I’m terrified and I’m inexperienced and I’m grieving. What if I’m just clinging onto him and it’s that whole thing with misplaced feelings?”
“Transference?” Amanda asks, and Danielle looks at her with a crinkled brow. She shrugs. “What? I took a lot of psychology classes in college.”
“Yeah, that,” I say. “What if I just like him because he’s helping me at the rock bottom worst time of my life?”
“But what if that’s not it and you pass up what could be the greatest thing to ever happen to you? Isn’t that worth the risk?” Danielle asks.
She’s right. I just said the exact same thing to Brett. I need to take my own advice.
“I say go for it,” Amanda says.
Danielle raises her hand. “Seconded. Go for it. That’s majority, so now you have to.”
I giggle. I like being part of this girls’ club. I just don’t know what’ll happen to it once this tour is over.
CHAPTER 32: HANNAH
“I have a surprise for you,” Brett says early the next afternoon as we watch Chance crawl all over our hotel suite. I jump up to protect him from ramming into a table headfirst, and I wish these hotels had bumpers. Or I wish I could put Chance in bubble wrap.
The Chicago gig was a total success, and now we have some free time until tonight, when the band has a private performance. I had fun watching the three kids, but I passed out as soon as Amanda and Danielle stopped by to pick up their sleeping children.
Taking care of three babies all under three was exhausting. I don’t know how Amanda does it night after night, but I think the offers to trade will be fewer and further between from here on out.
“What is it?” I run to the other side of Chance to block him from the electrical outlet he’s quickly approaching.
I glance up at Brett, who has a little gleam in his eye as he says, “If I told you, it wouldn’t be much of a surprise.”
I let out a little laugh at that.
“Are you okay with letting Amanda watch Chance for a few hours?” he asks.
I nod. “He’s doing so much better. The antibiotics seemed to kick in quicker than the doctor said they would, so yes, I think I’m okay with it.”
“Then let’s drop him off and get on our way.”
“To where?” I ask, trying to get it out of him.
He just shrugs and pretends to zip his lips, so I pack up everything Chance will need and we head out the door.
After we drop him off, Brett leads me down to a car waiting for us in front of the hotel. He’s got a ballcap on again, and between sunglasses, a long-sleeved shirt, and the hat, it’s a little harder to recognize who he is. And that’s just fine since I want him all to myself for whatever it is we’re doing today.
When the car pulls to a stop twenty minutes later, I read the sign in front of us: Navy Pier.
He holds out a hand to help me out of the car, and he doesn’t let go once I’m out. Instead, we walk along the pier. We stop and look at boats on the water. We meander through shops and people watch. We make up stories about couples passing us by, all the while clutching each other’s hand.
We stop for lunch at Harry Carey’s restaurant, where we learn the history of the Chicago Cubs and keep our conversation light. Once we’re done with lunch, we resume our walk on the pier, and eventually we end up in front of a Ferris wheel. “Want to go for a ride?” he asks.
I lift a shoulder. “Why not?”
He chuckles and pays for two tickets, and then we wait in a short line. We board our car, still hand-in-hand, and a little thrill rolls through me not at the fact that we’re starting our ascent to the top of this thing but because it’s Brett by my side. The wheel jerks to a stop as the next people get onto the car behind ours, and we both giggle at the sudden stop.
We move again and stop again, and again and again, and eventually we’re taken for a ride. The wheel moves freely, and my tummy somersaults as we approach the top. And that’s when Brett pulls off his hat and leans in toward me. His big hand cups my neck, and he turns my face toward his. His lips find mine, and my mouth opens to invite him in, and then suddenly we’re making out on a Ferris wheel. His hand moves down to brush against my breast, and I can’t help the little moan that escapes me.
Regardless of what I’ve been through and what I’ve lost, I never in my wildest dreams could’ve imagined this moment.
I want Brett Pitzer.
I want him to make me lose control as I lie naked beneath him. I want his hands on my body and his tongue in my mouth. I want him between my legs instead of the water jets of a whirlpool tub and I want to move slowly down his body to take him in my mouth. I want him inside my body and I want him to show me what I’ve been missing. I want him to take me and please me the way I’ve seen it in the movies. I want him to give me the experiences I haven’t had and I want him holding my hand as he leads me through them.
I want to fall in love with him.
I want this to work and I don’t want it to feel weird. I don’t want the crap in my own head to stop me from finding the happiness that I deserve.
Go for it.
Maybe that needs to be my new life motto.
We’re in our own little car, not totally private but nearing the top where nobody can really see us. Brett gets a little more aggressive as he palms my breast over my shirt, and I let my fingers trail down his torso. I brush against his erection, and I gasp a little into his mouth. He’s hard and ready, and he deepens our kiss as he massages my breast. I rub my hand along his thick length, and he grunts before he pulls back from our kiss. His eyes are hooded and stormy, darker blue than usual in the sunshine of a perfect late summer afternoon.
“Jesus,” he mutters. He finally moves his hand, and I’m not sure what he means by any of it.
“What?” I ask, moving my hand as well so I’m not sitting here gripping onto his dick as we swing through the station on our ride by.
“I need to be honest with you about something.”
My brows dip down, and then he says quietly, “I want you. But I don’t just want you for one night.”
A bit of shock flits through me. I mean I know he was just kissing me, which should make his statement about wanting me sort of obvious, but kissing me and telling me are two different things entirely. And telling me he wants me for more than one night seems extra meaningful given what I know of his history.
He leans in a little closer to me, and then he murmurs into my ear, “I want you spread out naked on my bed.”
I shiver at the heat of his words, both in their meaning and his breath hot against my ear. A needy ache forms between my legs.
“I want to lick your pussy until you can’t see straight and then I want to fuck you until you can’t walk straight. I want your mouth on my cock and your tits in my face. But I realized today that it’s way more than that. I want to hold your hand as we walk down the pier. I want to laugh with you as we sit in a restaurant eating a meal. I want to hear your stories and cry with you for the past. I want to find a way to walk into the future together. I want to give Chance Cheerios while I let you sleep in and I want us each to take one of his hands as we swing him up into the air.”
My eyes widen at his dirty words, but it’s the sweet ones that really pull at my emotions. I move toward him and press my lips hard to his as I try to fend off the sudden wave of emotion that rolls over me. Tears prick behind my eyes and I’m not even sure why. “It’s what I want, too,” I confess.
“But I’ve told you before, I will fuck it up. I’m not perfect. I’m not good. I’m damaged, and I will take that out on you. I will find a way to sabotage this even though it feels better than any
thing else ever has.” He leans his forehead down to mine. “And maybe that’s why I will find a way to sabotage it. I have to get in front of it before I find myself hurt in the end.”
“I won’t hurt you,” I promise.
“Yeah, you will,” he argues. “Because if there’s anything I’ve learned in life, it’s that love hurts.”
“L—love?”
He presses his lips together. “I don’t know, Hannah. I’ve only known you a couple weeks. But it sure feels different than anything else I’ve felt.”
I blink and look down at my lap. “Same for me.”
He ducks his head down to get in my face a little. “You okay?”
I nod. “It feels wrong to feel happy given everything that’s happened.”
“You deserve to be happy, Hannah.”
It’s the second time I’ve had those words tossed at me today. Maybe if I hear it enough times, I’ll actually start to believe it.
“Take me back to the hotel,” I say softly. Because I think it’s time to put a smile on both our faces.
CHAPTER 33: HANNAH
There’s no mistaking what’s about to happen. We’ve both made our intentions clear, and I’m both excited and incredibly nervous.
I’ve only done this a few other times and with just one other guy.
He’s done this probably thousands of times with many different partners.
Middle school health classes told me I have things to be worried about here, but my inexperience is preventing me from knowing how to even ask what I should ask.
His big hand is splayed on my thigh as we ride back to the hotel, and my hand rests over his. He leans in and nuzzles my neck, and butterflies take flight in my tummy again.
“Have you, uh, done it with a lot of women?” I whisper so the driver doesn’t hear me. Mortified heat creeps up my neck.
His eyes lift to mine, and he looks a little embarrassed, too. He lifts a shoulder. “Yeah.”
