by Val Daniels
“So your condition makes you feel free to invite... friends... like that—” he gestured toward the long closed door “—here when I’m not home?”
“We were studying.” Her eyes snapped indignantly.
“But the neighbors don’t know that,” he pointed out. “That seemed to worry you when Maggie was here. And both of us were here then.”
“I wasn’t the one who wanted things to appear like we have a normal marriage,” she reminded him.
“Well, we certainly have a heck of a long way to go for that,” he snapped.
She drew back like he had attacked her.
He couldn’t have kept from reaching for her if his life depended on it. “Allie, it’s not you. I didn’t mean—”
“You said you wanted this fabulous farce of a marriage for our baby. You didn’t say it was for your ego.”
He grasped her flailing hand and she shook it loose.
“How dare you,” she went on. “It isn’t me who wanders around all hours of the night, God knows where, doing who knows what.”
“Allie, I have emergency calls. You know—”
“Surely when you’re taking emergency calls the hospital knows where you can be found? Where do you go at night without your beeper, Dan?”
Damn! How did she know about that night? He swept his fingers through his hair. “One night,” he defended. “I left the house one night.”
“I’ll have to take your word for it. I don’t try to keep track anymore.” She dropped her hand in disgust. “And what did you do that one night? Where did you go? You weren’t at the hospital because they kept trying to page you.”
“I went for a drive. I didn’t know what I might do if I stayed here with you,” he admitted. “It was the night you... we almost made love. You had to remind me we couldn’t, remember? I’ve never wanted anything as much in my entire life.”
For a long time she only stared at him. Those big, round, trusting eyes seemed to take over her face.
“What do you expect of me, Alicia, when I walk around in a constant state of frustration?”
“It was the night Maggie came to dinner,” she said somberly. “It was the night the two of you had a very quiet, very intense conversation before she left.” She glanced toward the door, as if their images were imbedded there.
It was about a patient, he wanted to protest. But at this point he couldn’t be sure that was true. His conversation with Maggie that night hadn’t been important enough to remember. But the look Alicia gave him tore out his heart. “The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you, Alicia,” he finally managed.
“I know.”
They eyed each other steadily. Alicia was the one to eventually turn away.
He stepped past her, blocking her retreat. But he didn’t touch her again. He couldn’t. He wasn’t sure what else he would do if he touched her.
“Alicia, I’m not saying...”
She covered her ears childishly. “I don’t want to know, Dan. It’s none of my business.”
Then, instead of going into the kitchen, she went down the hall. He heard her close the door to her room softly.
He’d never heard anything sound so final.
CHAPTER EIGHT
WHAT do you expect of me when I walk around in a constant state of frustration? He’d admitted it. He’d gone to Maggie’s that night. Hadn’t he?
Her heart felt wounded and bleeding and she’d never hurt inside the way she did right now. All along, she’d kept right on hoping, fooling herself that there was any reason for that hope. She’d managed to convince herself that everything would eventually work out right. And accepting the truth caused an unbearable ache. He loved Maggie. He’d turned to her again. And there wasn’t one damn thing Alicia could do about it. Except accept her fate.
And maybe avoid Dan altogether. That she could manage. For the next few days she stayed in her room on the rare occasions when he was home.
The following Saturday, Alicia answered the doorbell to find Laura Bridges on the front step.
“Mrs. Bridges!” Laura smiled at her little joke as she waited for an invitation to come in.
Alicia opened the door wider. “Hi to you, too, Mrs. Bridges. Do come in. I’m afraid Dan isn’t here. He’s at the hospital, I think.”
“I didn’t come to see Dan.” Laura waved mention of him away. “I came to see if you could spare the time to go shopping with me.”
“Could I spare the time?” Alicia mentally jumped up and down with joy. She’d been practically climbing the walls of her room. “Oh, Laura, you don’t know how thrilled I am with that idea. I’m afraid I’m going to go nuts if I spend much more time like this.”
“Like what, dear.” Laura looked concerned.
“With absolutely nothing to do,” Alicia quickly covered. “The housekeeper keeps the house clean. I cook the evening meal, do homework.” She shrugged. “And with my car in the shop, I can’t go anywhere—not that I have anywhere to go. Except with you,” she added. “Oh, I’m so glad you came by.”
Laura set her purse on the hall table and surveyed Alicia’s waistline. “Enjoy your freedom now, Alicia. It won’t be long and you’ll have plenty to keep you busy. You’ll be looking back, wishing for a moment to call your own.”
Alicia admitted to herself that that was part of the problem. If she could contemplate the future without feeling frantic, maybe she wouldn’t feel a desperate need to fill every moment of the present. “Let me get you a cup of coffee,” Alicia said, escorting Laura to the kitchen. “Then, if you have the time to wait while I take a shower, I would love to go with you.”
“Of course. I should have called, but I’m in no hurry.”
As they left the house a little later, Laura told her about the invitation she’d just received to her thirty-fifth class reunion. “I’d like you to help me pick out something to wear.” She climbed behind the wheel of her huge black Continental. “You have such a nice sense of style and I’ve been feeling downright frumpy lately.” Laura made a face.
Alicia wondered if Laura’s frail self-image had something to do with the way Dan, Sr. had treated her. It was on the tip of her tongue to ask.
“You always look wonderfully elegant,” Alicia exclaimed instead.
“Thank you.” Laura smoothed the pleat on her silk blouse with one hand. “But I certainly don’t always feel that way.”
They shopped every store in downtown Providence, not an especially large selection, Laura half apologized. “But I always find exactly what I need.”
Probably because they’ve learned your style and know you spend money, Alicia thought. The stores seemed to have lots of the types of things Laura usually wore on hand. And every saleswoman considered herself Laura’s personal shopper.
As if to confirm Alicia’s thoughts, Laura introduced Alicia to every clerk and at least two of them actually took notes when she commented on various things that she liked.
Laura bought two new maternity outfits for Alicia—one casual, one a little dressier. “For helping me,” Laura insisted when Alicia protested.
Laura also insisted on buying something for the baby.
“It’s going to be a boy,” Alicia warned, as Laura put a tiny, frilly dress on top of their stack by the cash register.
“Then you can bring it back and exchange it,” the saleswoman piped in.
“Oh, but we couldn’t,” Laura said, cooing over the garment, straightening the soft ruffles all over again. “I’ll surely get a granddaughter eventually,” she said wistfully. “If this one isn’t it, we’ll just save it for the next.”
Alicia felt whatever energy was left go out of her. She was grateful when Laura suggested lunch.
“Dan was born the same year you graduated from high school?” Alicia asked after they had ordered salads.
“You’ve been calculating again,” Laura said warningly. “Daniel and I were married thirty-five years ago, during my senior year. Danny came along just a few short months after my gra
duation.”
“That must have been really tough,” Alicia said.
Laura nodded. “Oh, if I could just go back and do it all over again.”
“And not get pregnant, you mean?” Alicia could definitely sympathize with that feeling. Life would be so much simpler if she wasn’t pregnant with Dan’s baby.
“No, I wouldn’t have had Dan in that case,” she contradicted pleasantly.
Alicia pressed her hand against the little something pummeling her from the inside out. At this point, could she go back and change anything? The baby knocked her in the ribs sharply. Alicia smiled. Of course not, she realized. Whatever else happened, this life inside her had grown very precious to her. “I see what you mean.”
“I made so many mistakes at the time,” Laura said almost to herself. “If only I could go back and do some of it again.”
The waitress put their salads in front of them.
“I was so naive. So innocent. Poor Daniel.” Laura said. “Within weeks of our graduations—he graduated from college at the same time—he had a baby, me, on his hands, and another on the way. And medical school right around the corner. It must have been a horrible burden for him.”
“That’s what you would change? Him going to medical school?” Alicia asked.
“No. His parents were determined that he would go and finish. He was the first college graduate in their family. And he’d graduated with honors, so he had a scholarship or two.” She smiled proudly. “His dad had made a fair amount of money with the family feed store and grain elevator, so they paid for the rest of his education and for our apartment. My folks pitched in with some of the other living expenses. We didn’t do too badly.” She dollaped a little more oil and vinegar dressing onto her salad. “Looking back,” the look on her face grew wistful, “I guess, we really had it quite easy. We certainly had some wonderful times.”
“So what happened?” Alicia was horrified when she heard herself blurt the question out.
“What do you mean?” Laura’s fork hovered in midair.
Alicia licked her lips. She had to ask. If Dan’s predilection was hereditary... “I don’t imagine any marriage is perfect, yet you always speak of Daniel as if he were a saint.”
“He was a saint,” Laura insisted quietly, but her lips tightened. Alicia could see the strain around her mouth. “I can attest to the fact that the man was a saint,” she went on fervently.
Alicia sat silently, fighting the urge to shake Laura, tell her no man who had treated her the way Dan’s father had treated her could be as wonderful as Laura pretended. “Laura,” she said gently, “I’d have to be deaf not to hear some of the things people talk about—”
“I had a great deal of difficulty having Dan,” Laura interrupted, carefully placing the fork beside her plate. “Unlike you, I had a very easy pregnancy, then an almost disastrous delivery. I nearly died from an allergic reaction to the anesthetic they gave me when they had to do a C-section.”
“You don’t have to—”
“I want to,” Laura interrupted her again, meeting her eyes, pleading silently for Alicia’s patience. “Back then, not getting pregnant was a little trickier than it is now. Most birth control options were experimental, to say the least. After my experience having Dan, I made it very plain to Daniel that I never intended to go through another pregnancy.” She studied, folded and refolded her napkin several times.
“But Melanie—”
“Was an extremely unwanted accident. The circumstances of her conception almost destroyed our marriage, even though I had single-handedly and subconsciously been trying to wreck it ever since Dan’s birth.” She gazed at Alicia steadily again. “Melanie turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to any of us. My biggest regret is that Daniel didn’t force the issue sooner. And I regret the years we wasted,” she added. This time she barely managed to blink back a tear.
Alicia’s mind frantically sifted through what Laura was telling her.
“Abstinence was the one guaranteed and widely recommended method for birth control at the time,” Laura continued. “After Dan was born, I made it very clear to Daniel that we would prevent another pregnancy. Anything Daniel did outside our marriage, I encouraged. My only excuse is that I was very young. And stupid.”
“And terrified,” Alicia offered sympathetically.
Laura tried to smile. “Well, I thank you for your understanding, Alicia, though I look back now and wish everyone wouldn’t have been quite so willing to understand.” She shook her head regretfully. “Without all the understanding and excuses, I might have learned more quickly. I used to thank God for Daniel’s... understanding. Now, I consider how things might have been and realize we were both fools.” She sighed deeply and picked up her fork again. “We wasted fifteen years.”
Alicia’s expression must have reflected her confusion.
“You’ve surely heard the rumors,” Laura smiled wryly, a smile that reminded Alicia of Dan. “But I’ll bet no one has mentioned the last eight years of our marriage, when Daniel wasn’t running around with other women,” she added. “No one seems to remember that Daniel never strayed after Melanie was born.”
Alicia wasn’t sure what to say. “I’m glad you told me,” she finally said. “Thank you. I know it couldn’t have been easy.”
Laura studied her for a long time. “If it can help you and Dan avoid a few of our mistakes...”
“Everyone says Dan is a lot like his father,” Alicia said hesitantly.
Surprisingly, Laura laughed. “Oh, he is,” she said with complete adoration in her tone. “Of course, he’s a little bit better looking than Daniel. And my mother and father are convinced it was the Strand genes—my side of the family,” she explained at Alicia’s frown, “that perfected the Bridges’ clan.” She winked. “Aren’t you excited to see what effect the Barnes’ genes will have on the lineage?”
Laura had missed her point all together. Or maybe she’d missed it intentionally, Alicia realized and gracefully let the subject drop. “The Barnes family genes will probably tarnish everything,” she said dryly.
“Oh, posh.” Laura waved Alicia’s comment away. “What makes you say that, dear?”
“I... we... I envy so much about your family.”
“In what way?”
“Dan following in his father’s footsteps, both of your families pitching in to help your husband finish his education. Even the house we live in was Dan’s grandmother’s. We still use so many of the things they lived with. Dan made waffles last Sunday morning with the recipe she used, right out of her recipe book, right on her waffle iron.”
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that, Alicia. Please don’t think you have to save—and live with—everything that my mother-in-law had in that house. It is your house now. At least that’s how she intended it to be when she gave it to Dan when she was ready to move into the retirement center.”
“It’s a family home,” Alicia said. “And that’s something I cherish. For the baby,” she added quietly. “Brad and I grew up in various apartments, with a whole parade of baby-sitters and live-in housekeepers. My father was always gone. We barely knew our grandparents. On my dad’s side, they were divorced when Dad was still very young. We met them occasionally, usually when they remarried and changed spouses or were feeling sentimental, but we didn’t know them. Not really. And my mother’s family—that’s a whole other story. They didn’t approve of her marriage to Dad, so they didn’t keep in touch. And when she died...” Alicia ended the sentence with a shrug.
“How tragic! And their loss,” Laura added indignantly. “I can’t imagine missing out on my granddaughter’s life by choice. For any reason.”
“I just hope family loyalty is a trait our baby gets from your side of the family,” she said vehemently.
“And I wish things were as ideal as you make them sound.” Laura looked down at her napkin for a moment, then carefully set her fork down beside her plate. “Nothing is ever quite as sim
ple as it seems.”
Alicia nodded her agreement as Laura picked up the check the waitress had laid beside them ages ago. Laura counted out a precise tip for the waitress.
“Let’s go home, Alicia,” she said. “I’m suddenly very weary.”
“Looks like you have company,” Laura said as she pulled up in the circular drive a little later.
Alicia smiled. Brad’s somewhat battered old car sat in the middle of the drive. She suddenly felt a happy anticipation at the thought of talking to that goofy, overly protective brother of hers. “Looks like Dan’s here, too. He must have had a light schedule today.”
“Good,” Laura said. “You and Dan should take advantage of the occasion if he has some free time. Go do something. One thing I learned about being married to a doctor was that you can’t pass up these rare opportunities. They don’t come often.”
“Wouldn’t you like to come in?” Alicia asked.
Laura refused the invitation with a wave. “Melanie has a bunch of her friends coming over tonight. I promised to make homemade pizza.”
“Let me get Brad to come move his car.”
“Oh, no. I can back out,” Laura said.
On impulse, Alicia leaned over and hugged her mother-in-law. “Thanks,” she said. Her “thank you” had nothing to do with the lunch or the shopping expedition and everything to do with Laura. She was the saint, Alicia decided.
“Thank you,” Laura said, squeezing back. “Now if I just had the nerve to get a facelift, I’d really feel ready for this reunion,” she added.
Alicia watched as Laura backed out, then hesitated outside the open front door of the house. Brad’s voice rose slightly. There was no mistaking the strangled tone. He was angry.
