by Val Daniels
The following day, Alicia stopped to buy wallpaper and paint for the room they decided would be the nursery. Now that she’d finally made some decisions, she was anxious to put her plans in action.
About six hours later, she stood back to admire her efforts. She loved the unicorns cavorting around pastel blue clouds on the top half of the room, and the rainbow splashes peeking around the clouds on the lower half.
“What in the heck are you doing now?”
Dan’s voice stopped her as she placed her foot on the first rung on the ladder to go up and smooth a bubble she had missed on one of the strips.
“Wallpapering,” she answered simply, and was only mildly surprised when Dan’s hands clamped around her waist as she started to take another step.
“Not with my baby, you aren’t,” he said, setting her firmly on the floor.
“You’re too late. We’re almost done.” She faced him, hands on hips. “Are you offering to hang the last strip?” she asked.
“I don’t know a thing about wallpapering,” he protested.
“Then you won’t mind if I finish,” she said, approaching the ladder again.
“No, Allie! Shoot. You aren’t climbing that ladder again. I can’t believe this is what you’ve been doing all day.”
“I was very careful.” She placed her foot on the first rung.
“Allie!”
She hesitated.
“Okay, tell me what you want me to do,” he said reluctantly.
“First, get that bubble,” she directed, pointing out the small bulge at the top of one of the strips and telling him exactly what he needed to do with the smoother.
“Well, what do you think?” she asked as he finished the task and eased back down the ladder.
“I think you’re nuts. Why didn’t you tell me what you planned to do? We could have paid somebody. I’m sure Mom could have recommended someone who could do a good job.”
“I wanted to do it,” she said softly.
He gazed around him. “Well, our daughter—or son,” he added quickly, “is going to have a whimsical room.”
Two, she thought. Our son is going to have two whimsical rooms. She planned to do the room at her apartment in exactly the same paper. She wanted their baby to feel at home in either place.
“I kind of like it,” he added after a moment.
She knew her grin had spread into a proud smirk. “Thanks.” A lump formed in her throat but she managed to swallow it. “So will you help me with the last strip?”
“Sure,” he agreed, adding a quick disclaimer. “But I have no idea what we’re doing.”
“That’s okay,” she assured him sweetly, “I’ll tell you exactly what to do.” She didn’t mind a bit.
She already had the piece cut, so it was a matter of dipping it in the water tray and guiding him step-by-step as he took it up the ladder. She handed him tools as she instructed him, and he did all right until he got to the trimming.
“I ripped it.” He looked down at her, shaking his head, a worried frown wrinkling his brow. “I can’t do it.”
As he spoke, the paper began to uncurl from the wall. The top slowly dropped over his head.
“Hold on,” she instructed, climbing a couple of steps up behind him. “Don’t let go. Hold the rest of it to the wall. We’ll never get that seam matched again. Now, go down,” she ordered.
“Dammit, Allie—”
“Just get down,” she said again, stretching to keep the short strip of paper against the wall.
He gingerly passed her, never taking his hand from her waist as he lowered himself and she went further up.
“Now hand me the brush,” she said, reaching behind her while keeping one hand on the paper that still clung to the wall.
“Let’s just start this strip over,” Dan suggested, doing as she told him. “It looks like you bought plenty of paper.”
“I can take it back if I don’t open it,” she said quickly. “Now hand me the seam roller.”
His hands on her waist had a soothing effect on the sore muscles that had developed over the afternoon of going up and down the ladder. She felt cherished. It took her much longer than necessary to finish hanging the last strip of paper.
“What do you think?” she asked again as Dan helped her down the ladder. She ducked, hoping her hair would swing forward and hide the tears that had sprung to her eyes for some crazy reason. Maybe it was the song playing on the radio that kept repeating “Together Forever.” Maybe it was knowing that she and Dan would never stand over their baby in this room and admire what they, together, had created. Maybe it was knowing that if Dan didn’t like the paper she had chosen, Maggie could chose another pattern and they could rip this off and start over. Even if he never knew, she wanted her baby to see this visible sign of her love, of her presence, every time he looked around this room when he stayed with his father.
“It kind’a grows on you,” Dan replied, “though I never would have chosen it.”
She turned her back on Dan on the pretext of more admiring and swiped the back of her hand across her eyes.
“Now all I have to do is do the border around the middle,” she said. “And that won’t take a ladder,” she added quickly when he started to object.
Dan came up behind her to wrap her in his arms. He patted her tummy. “What do you think?”
The baby kicked his hand in response. Dan chuckled delightedly.
It was all like playing house, Alicia realized later as she washed the wallpaper paste from her hair and prepared to go out to dinner with Dan. On the surface, they were a happy young couple, preparing for the arrival of their baby. But he’d never feel anything deep for her, except maybe as the mother of his child.
Those deep feelings, rooted way back in their childhood, he would save for Maggie. The two of them would push their love away. Pretend for the world’s sake, that it didn’t exist. But she, Alicia, would never have any more of his affection than she had right now. Was it enough?
On days like today, she thought so. She could live this way, fooling herself, pretending. She could take back the extra wallpaper, cancel the lease. She could let Maggie move to Wichita and play like Dan wasn’t meant to be with her. Eventually, Alicia could probably even convince herself that Dan loved her more than life itself.
She ducked her head back under the warm spray of water, let it sluice down her spine, felt it soothing her tired muscles. Then she realized that the drops running down her face weren’t all from the shower. Part of it was tears. And no matter how much she wanted things to be different, she couldn’t convince herself that Dan didn’t deserve a chance to chose what he wanted for his life. She had that choice now. So should he.
And no matter how unrealistic she knew she was being, she couldn’t help pretending he would choose her.
Dan hesitated outside the garage door into the kitchen. He was almost afraid to come home anymore. He never knew what he might find. He’d thought he was going to have heart failure last week when he’d walked in and found Alicia on the ladder. And today, his feeling of dread couldn’t be explained, yet wouldn’t go away.
It was a feeling rooted in her sad smile last night as they’d sat across from each other and talked calmly about everything... and nothing of importance. They’d lingered and lingered. She’d seemed reluctant to have the simple meal end.
He touched the breast pocket of his shirt and felt the folded piece of paper he now carried there. It was the note she’d left the day of the scene with Maggie and Brad.
It had been brief, to the point, but it reflected her thoughtfulness. “Just in case you get home before I do,” the note had said, “I’ve gone shopping with your mother.”
He wasn’t sure why he had started carrying it like some sort of good luck charm. He only knew that he didn’t understand anything about his relationship with Alicia anymore and the note was somehow reassuring. He touched it again. It seemed to burn against his chest.
The silence in the house
was stifling and heavy. And Alicia didn’t answer when he called her name. Maybe she had... no, she’d been home from Randall Manufacturing everyday by four. It was almost six o’clock now.
He knew the explanation for the sense of dread the minute he opened her bedroom door. There were boxes everywhere, some closed, some half filled and a few empty ones stacked beside the door. And one of the drawers on her dresser stood open and empty.
“Damn!” What was she doing now?
Moving, you fool, what does it look like?
“No way!” he muttered to himself, and tried to figure where she could be. Her car was in the garage. He hadn’t seen her outside.
As much as he hated to do it, he stopped first at the neighbor’s. “Mrs. Marks?” he asked as soon as she opened the door. “You haven’t happened to see Alicia, have you? Her car is home, but she’s nowhere to be found.”
“Oh, you’re home early today,” the old woman commented.
Dan fought the urge to shake her. Instead, he tapped his toe impatiently. “Yes, I am,” he said. “Obviously, Alicia didn’t know I would be home this early. She usually leaves a note...” He felt like he was back in the third grade.
“Well,” the irritating woman drawled slowly, “I haven’t seen her, but it’s real nice out. Maybe she’s taking a walk. I know she does sometimes. And with this day? Isn’t it almost like spring?”
He spared his former teacher two more seconds, then turned and practically ran back to his car.
The desperate need to find her grew to like a solid brick wall in his chest. It took him almost twenty minutes. Not until he drove by the back side of the little park, three blocks from the house, did he see her, sitting forlornly in one the swings. He pulled into the miniature parking lot, carved out by the side of the road with just enough space for three or four cars.
Though she didn’t look up, he was aware the second she knew he was there. The gentle sway of the swing stopped completely.
“I found you,” he said as he lowered himself into a swing beside her. It was tight, he almost didn’t fit.
“I didn’t know you were looking,” she said, still not looking at him. “I’m sorry, I guess I should have told you—”
“You had no way of knowing I would be home by now,” he defended her.
A gust of late winter wind swirled around them, lifting a fine strand of her hair. She wrapped her arms around what used to be her waist, and shivered to ward off the chill. The toe of her shoe scuffled at the loose dirt around her, then she planted her foot and renewed the gentle back and forth swinging. He eased himself from his swing and kneeled in front of her, his hand extended to cover the one draped loosely across her lap.
“When did you plan to tell me you were leaving me?” he asked softly.
She shrugged. “When I was ready,” she admitted quietly. “I planned to have all the boxes in the closet by the time you got home today.”
“When are you leaving?”
“Tomorrow.”
Damn! He wanted to shout at her. How could she be so emotionless about it?
“Where are you going?” he asked.
“An apartment. It isn’t that far away. About ten minutes. You can see the baby any—”
“Would you mind telling me why?” he interrupted.
She didn’t answer. But she didn’t meet his eyes, either. And it took all his strength to resist the urge to drag her from the swing and shake her until her teeth rattled. What was wrong with her that she didn’t see how casually she was destroying their marriage? What did he have to do to make her love him like she did before?
“Why?” he asked again, more urgently. “Dammit, Allie, I thought things were going pretty well.”
She sniffed once, turned her head. The back of one finger sneaked behind the veil of her silken hair and he knew she was crying again. Why did he always make her cry? He felt as helpless as he’d ever felt in his entire life.
“I guess if you feel you have to leave, I can’t stop you,” he said huskily. The words almost wouldn’t come, but he couldn’t let her know how much the thought of her leaving tore at him. Staying with him had to be her choice.
Her tears became a sob and she threw her arm around his neck, almost unbalancing them both. “I can’t not leave.” Her tortured voice came in a whisper.
He tugged her from her seat in the swing. “Why?” he asked again, no longer caring if she heard the pain. Oh, God, she felt so good in his arms, close to him. He closed his eyes and savored the feel of her.
“It’s your turn,” she said into his neck. “Yours and Maggie’s. I can’t—” A sob erased the end of her sentence.
“Oh, God, Alicia, when are you going to quit worrying about me and Maggie? It was a mistake.”
“You and Maggie—”
“A horrible mistake.” He pushed her gently away from him. Cold air rushed between them and he wanted to yank her back and never let her get this far away from him again. But he had to see her eyes. She had to see his. “Allie, I don’t know how else to explain what happened between me and Maggie. It was habit. It was comfort. It meant nothing. Nothing but reassurance. She’d just found out about her divorce.”
The tears streaking her cheeks seemed to glitter accusingly.
“Besides comfort for Maggie, the experience just reaffirmed for me that I don’t want anyone but you. You, Allie. Nothing else matters to me.”
“Then why is Maggie leaving?” she managed to ask.
“Because she wants to,” he said simply.
“It isn’t because...”
He waited for her to finish the thought. “It has nothing to do with me... or you... or anything except that she wants to leave,” he finally said when it became apparent that she wasn’t going to continue.
Her eyes widened and searched his face. She wanted to believe. Maybe he was fooling himself, but by God, he thought she wanted to believe. He wondered if it would help his case or hurt it if he told her—“For once, let’s not talk about Maggie, or the baby, or anything but us. Please?”
“But it all—”
This time, he hushed her the only way he knew how. Her lips under his tasted sweeter than anything he’d ever known. And there wasn’t any way he could keep the hunger out of the kiss he gave her. He didn’t want to any longer.
“Oh, Allie,” he whispered when he had to come up for air. He cradled her face between his hands. “Don’t you know how much I love you? How did this all get so crazy? How in the hell can you leave me now?”
“I thought I could finally fix things, since I have the job and everything. I want you to have a choice. I don’t want you and Maggie...”
This time, he shushed her with a finger. He couldn’t start kissing her again. He might never be able to stop.
“We weren’t going to talk about Maggie, remember?”
“But she’s part of this package,” she protested. “You and Maggie love each other. You’ve waited so long...” Her voice broke.
“I love Maggie with all my heart,” he admitted, tightening his grip on her face, forcing Alicia’s eyes to keep contact with his. “We’ve been friends as long as I can remember. She’s like family. Of course I love her.”
Alicia’s long lashes shuttered her eyes.
“For a long time, we truly messed up our friendship because we kept trying to pretend we were in love. And maybe part of that figured into that night in my office somehow. I don’t know. But that was the first and only time we’ve kissed since we left for college. It was friendship. Nothing more.”
“You were wrapped in each other’s arms.” Her forehead burrowed into his chest.
“We were hugging each other—as friends,” he said flatly, and kept talking, softly, ever closer to her ear. “I gave her what she needed—comfort—I’m not sorry for that. But I didn’t desire her. I never want any woman but you, ever again.”
With slight pressure on her chin, he brought her face back to his. “And that’s why I am so delighted about what is ha
ppening with her now,” he said very slowly, deciding maybe the time was right to mention Maggie’s plans.
Alicia opened her eyes. He tightened his grip. “Since she announced she was leaving, Shawn—remember Shawn, my lawyer friend?”
She nodded.
“Shawn is doing what he should have years ago. He’s told her that if she leaves, he’s leaving, too. He’s willing to start all over again in Wichita, just to be close to her. He’s been in love with her forever but stayed away from her because of me. Then she immediately started seeing her ex-husband...” He smiled. “I think the only reason she came to me instead of Shawn the night she was so upset was because he was out of town. If he’d been around?” He shrugged. “Who knows what might have happened by now?”
“So Maggie might not leave?”
“We’ll leave if you want us to,” he said emphatically.
“No,” she protested. “I didn’t mean that. I want Maggie to stay... how could I want her... Does she love him?”
“I suspect so.” He frowned. “I think maybe my friendship with both of them messed things up for them as badly as it did for Maggie and I. And I don’t care what the heck either of them do as long as you stay with me.”
“Oh, Dan.” Up until now, her hands had been braced against him. Now she threw her arms around him and held him as tightly as he’d been hugging her. “But now you have a choice. Please don’t say you want me just because you think you have to make me feel better. Please don’t play Doctor Dan. You don’t have to make me feel better. I know you can’t stand to see anyone hurt... for anyone to be in pain. I know you married me for the baby,” she whispered. “You don’t have to go on pretending. I’m strong enough to accept the truth.”
“This is the truth. Every reason I had for marrying you still exists.” He started itemizing. “You’re still pregnant, and our baby’s a bonus that I thanked God for because it kept you from leaving Providence. But I married you because I love you, because I want nothing more than to spend my life with you. I still love you,” he added urgently. “I’ve never wanted anyone more than I want you now.” For a while, he let his lips and hands do his talking for him.
