He took another long look at the baby in his arms. Seven pounds, five ounces at birth, according to the paperwork. Twenty-one inches long. Healthy. A tiny marvel. “And then you and your brother are born, and it looks like your dad named you guys after Maddie and me. Why, you want to know, since we’re not exactly close? Since I was so mad at him for stealing from us that I almost pressed charges against him? But didn’t. Maybe that answers the question. Maybe your dad knew I wouldn’t, that I might hate him or something close to it since I don’t think I could ever hate him, but that I would never truly turn my back on him. He knew he could leave you two here and that we’d take good care of you. And we will, you can count on that. No matter what, you can count on that.”
Sawyer stared out the dark window at the slight illumination from the porch light. Flurries were coming down again. The baby in his arms let out a funny sigh, his slate-blue eyes drooping a bit. Max seemed to be fighting it, not wanting to miss anything.
Sawyer smiled. “You’ll only be missing my story if you fall asleep, and I’m not sure you want to hear it. Your father and I circling each other for years, never landing.”
His smile faded and he looked back out the window, wondering where his brother was, what was going through his mind.
He cradled Max a little tighter against him, his heart ready to burst.
* * *
Maddie stood outside the nursery, tears stinging as she accidentally on purpose eavesdropped. She felt only slightly guilty about it. About ten minutes ago, she’d heard one of the babies cry, and by the time she’d fully woken up to get out of bed, she’d heard Sawyer’s footsteps coming up the stairs and thought she should let him attend to his nephew. Let him spend a little time alone with a baby.
When he started talking about personal stuff, she thought about tiptoeing back to her room, but she couldn’t move. She’d been so touched by what Sawyer was saying. And she had a feeling he hadn’t said a quarter as much in marriage counseling as he had in the ten minutes he’d been in the nursery.
“Now, Max,” she heard Sawyer continue, “I’ll only say this because Shane is fast asleep. You were named after your aunt Maddie, at least we think you were, and that’s a pretty big name to live up to. Your aunt Maddie is the best thing that ever happened to me.”
Maddie put her hand over her mouth to stifle her gasp. She knew Sawyer loved her, loved his wife, but the reverence in his voice was so touching that her knees almost buckled.
“When you find someone like Maddie,” he went on, “you give her the world. Everything she wants. Because someone that special deserves everything. I was an idiot for saying no over and over, year after year, to starting a family. I was selfish. Maddie wanted a baby, and I should have said, ‘Anything your heart desires.’ Because she’s that great. And I almost lost her. That’s what I meant about agreeing to have ten kids if that’s what Maddie wants. Maybe I didn’t say it right.”
His voice cracked then, and Maddie wrapped her arms around herself and hurriedly tiptoed back to her bedroom. She shouldn’t have been listening. He thought she was asleep, not listening to his every word and emotion right outside the nursery.
Sorry, Sawyer, she sent telepathically and got back into bed.
A few moments later, she heard him coming down the hall toward their room. He went downstairs, then came right back up, so he must have just turned off the lights. As she heard him come into the room, she closed her eyes. He kissed the top of her head and then turned around, facing away. Should she leave him with his thoughts? All that heaviosity by himself? If she’d bared her soul to a sleepy baby and he’d overheard, she’d want him to hold her, not necessarily to say anything, just to hold her so she wouldn’t feel so alone. Yes, as far as she could tell now, she and Sawyer were such different people. She knew that he tended to be a lone wolf, but even a lone wolf needed a pack. She was his pack.
She reached around until she felt his hand, and she held it. He gave it a gentle squeeze but didn’t let go.
I love you too, she wanted to say. But she didn’t doubt he knew that.
Oh, flip, she thought. I am who I am, even though I have no memory of myself. “Sawyer?”
“Yup?”
“I heard everything you said,” she blurted out. “I was standing right outside the nursery. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but then I couldn’t stop listening.”
He was silent for a moment. Then another. Then he turned around to face her in the dim lighting of the moon. “Who needs a therapist when there are newborns to talk to at all hours?”
She gave him a gentle smile. “I like what you said about me.”
“All true,” he said, reaching out to touch her face. “Every word.”
“I understand a bit better about the ten babies. The bargain and what it meant to you to make it. I might not completely agree, but I understand more now.”
“Good,” he said. “Because I couldn’t explain it well for some reason. Only to a droopy-eyed infant.”
She squeezed his hand. “I’ve been so focused on my memory and the babies and us that I haven’t really stopped to think about your relationship with Cole and how all this is affecting you. You really love him, don’t you?”
“Of course I do. He’s disappointed me a bunch of times, but he’s the kid I wanted to protect for so many years that it’s ingrained. I always felt so powerless when it came to Cole and my family.” He narrowed his eyes as if he’d just realized that this moment. “I still do,” he whispered. “He’s been headed down the wrong path, and he’s either gonna keep going or turn around. I want him to turn around.”
“I hope he does.”
“Me too.”
“I’m going to finish up a little more paperwork,” he said, slipping out of bed. “I’ll be up in about an hour.”
“Okay,” she said. She didn’t want him to go. But she knew he needed to be alone with his thoughts and the knowledge that she’d heard everything he’d said. She’d been hoping he’d wrap his arms around her and they’d just fall asleep, no need to talk more, but maybe the intimacy was a little too much for him.
One day at a time. Just like Dr. Addison had told her in the hospital when she’d come to. Don’t try to rush it, the doctor had said. And that went for husbands too.
Chapter Eight
Maddie hadn’t gotten much sleep. Sawyer hadn’t come up to bed until well after midnight, and she’d been so tired she’d fallen right back to sleep. But before then, she’d tossed and turned, thinking about everything they’d talked about. What she’d overheard. And the memory she’d had of her and her sister talking about Jenna’s pregnancy.
She figured it would be helpful to know if she was remembering accurately. In the middle of the night it had occurred to her that she might have imagined the whole thing based on what she’d been told. She doubted that but wanted to check anyway. Plus, maybe talking about the memory would open it up a little inside her head, allow her to remember more.
So after making sure that Sawyer was okay with being on his own with the twins, Maddie texted Jenna to ask her to breakfast, adding that she remembered something and wanted to talk it over. Jenna had texted back an immediate Ooh! Dee’s Diner at 8 sharp. Maddie had headed out through the front door just in time to hear one twin crying in the nursery.
“I could just go see—” she said, coming back inside and taking off her gloves.
“Nope.” Sawyer gently turned her around. “I’ve got this. I need to learn how to take care of them the same as you do. We’re an equal opportunity aunt and uncle.”
And lucky for him, the crying stopped.
“Ah, see, your mom told me the other day not to rush in at first cry,” he said, “but to wait a good ten seconds and they might soothe themselves back to sleep. So go before they both wake up and start bawling. Besides, you need to talk to Jenna. Oh—and you love the blueberry pancakes at D
ee’s. With bacon.”
“Does anyone not love that?”
“I actually don’t like blueberry pancakes. I’m an omelet guy. With the bacon and cheddar inside. And a big order of hash browns.”
“Did we used to go there for breakfast a lot?”
He nodded. “Lunch too. You love their grilled cheese. With bacon.”
“We’ll have to go sometime,” she said.
The crying started up again. He smiled and kissed her on the cheek. “See you later. Take your time. I’m only expected at the precinct part-time this week, so don’t rush back on my account.”
I’d rush back because I want to be with you. And the twins.
It was cold but not killer cold, so she put her gloves back on and walked the five minutes to Dee’s, which was just a few doors down from MacLeod’s Multiples Emporium. She found Jenna waiting at a booth in the back by the window.
Jenna started to slide out, then said, “Oh, who am I kidding?” and slid back in. “I wanted to give you a hug, but my days of getting up and down easily are over.”
Maddie laughed. “Hug accepted in spirit from across the table.”
“How are you feeling?” Jenna asked, handing Maddie a menu.
“Pretty good. My goose egg is almost gone, and with a little concealer, the scratch is barely noticeable. How are you feeling?”
“Not bad. I can’t sleep on my stomach anymore or my right side, but Stephen got me this great body pillow, and it’s helping me get comfortable.”
“I can’t wait to meet my new niece and nephew,” Maddie said with a smile.
“I love that my twins will have instant cousins. Or cousins-ish.”
Maddie laughed. “So let’s order, and then I’ll tell you about the memory I mentioned.”
“I’m so glad to hear you remembered something!” Jenna said. “I hope you don’t mind, but I let Mom and Dad know. They’re so hopeful for what this means. That you’re on the mend.”
“I spoke to my doctor this morning, and she said it’s a great sign.” Dr. Addison had been elated to hear the news but did caution Maddie from trying to think too hard, to remember too much. Maddie was supposed to let the memories come naturally, the way the one had last night.
They spent the next couple of minutes figuring out what they wanted. Maddie wasn’t in the mood for blueberry pancakes. But Sawyer’s omelet sure sounded good. She ordered that, and Jenna went for what she was craving: French toast drizzled in maple syrup.
Once they had their decaf coffees, Maddie told Jenna about the memory, the snippet of conversation. “So does that sound right? Did I remember an actual conversation?”
Jenna’s expression had turned a little...uneasy. “Yes. It was right after I found out I was pregnant. I told you the minute the plus sign appeared on the stick. There was no way I could keep the news from you, Maddie.”
“I feel awful that you and Stephen felt like you had to wait until Sawyer came around to start a family. That’s not right. Not in the slightest.”
Jenna reached out a hand and squeezed Maddie’s. “It wasn’t really like that. We’d always talked about being pregnant with our first babies at the same time. A twinpalooza. And I wasn’t really ready until I hit thirty. I admit that I did start to feel a little antsy the past couple of years. But how could I go ahead without you—especially when Sawyer wasn’t budging on the subject?”
“Oh, Jenna. What a cruddy position to be in. I am so sorry.”
“It’s complicated, Maddie. But Stephen said enough was enough, and so I let you know I was tossing my birth controls in the trash.”
“You did? How’d that conversation go?”
“I couldn’t not tell you. I tell you everything, Mads. Same for you. We’ve always been very close.”
Maddie felt tears well up and her throat go tight. She barely knew this person sitting across from her, her own twin sister, and she loved her so much at this moment it was as if she hadn’t lost all memory of her. “Please tell me I was thrilled for you and excited and didn’t burst into tears.”
“You were honest. You told me you were very happy for me and hoped I’d get pregnant that night. And then you told me you were jealous as hell and wished your stubborn husband would magically change his mind. Want to know what else you said?”
Maddie grimaced. “Is it bad?”
Jenna laughed. “It’s kind of funny. You said maybe he’d get conked on the head by a perp and suddenly want kids.”
“Oh my God, I said that?”
“Yup.”
“But instead it was me who got conked on the head. And forgot all about wanting a baby so badly I made my own sister feel bad about being pregnant.”
“You never made me feel bad, Maddie. I felt bad because of the situation.”
The waitress appeared with steaming plates that smelled and looked delicious.
Maddie cut a piece of her bacon and cheese omelet. “Ah, this is good. No wonder it’s Sawyer’s favorite here.”
“I did notice you ordered his favorite. Interesting. Like you want to be closer to him.”
Maddie raised an “oh, please” eyebrow. “By eating his favorite breakfast?”
“When you and I went to Cheyenne for a baby expo for a few days, I ate a lot of Stephen’s favorites for that very reason. I missed him.”
“I’ll bet I didn’t order any of Sawyer’s favorites,” Maddie said.
“Oh, you sure did. You love that man. Tough situation and all.”
Maddie pushed around her home fries, thinking of Sawyer at home with the twins. “He’s taking care of Shane and Max on his own this morning. Talk about complicated.” She thought about all she’d heard last night, and her heart ached for Sawyer.
“Right? Between caring for babies and the fact that they’re his brother’s... No word from Cole?”
Maddie took a sip of her coffee. “Nope. Sawyer’s texted him every day to let him know the babies are fine. I wonder if that will keep him away or make him want to come back.”
“What do you mean?”
“If the babies are fine, then Cole may feel they’re in better hands and stay away. Or being reminded of his children, that they’re fine and not with him, may make him feel unsettled and itchy for them. He could have signed away his parental rights at the hospital. He didn’t.”
“Do you think he’ll come back?” Jenna asked, forking a big piece of French toast and swiping it in syrup.
“I really don’t know. If I could remember him, maybe I’d have more of a clue.”
“How’s Sawyer doing with the babies? Does he hate taking care of them? He seemed fine with them the other day.”
“He doesn’t seem to hate it at all. I can tell it’s weird for him, to have them in the house. But some of that has to do with his brother, I think. All it’s engendering for him. He’s good at babysitting. He’s so sweet with them.”
“Maybe this is exactly what Sawyer needed. A chance to see firsthand what it’s like to have babies in the house, to care for them.”
“I was thinking that too. My only worry is that there’s a brick wall in that chest of his.”
“Blocked, huh?”
Maddie nodded. “It’s been building since he was a little kid.”
“Well, between you and those adorable twins, that wall just might be blasted through.” Jenna finished her decaf and insisted on paying for breakfast. She had to get to MacLeod’s since a new salesperson was starting today. The Christmas season apparently had the shop packed every day. Maddie was looking forward to getting back to work soon. But she’d be little help managing the store without any knowledge of the place.
After she walked Jenna to the shop and gave her sister a big hug, she headed home, thinking about what Jenna said. About how the wall could be blasted through.
Maddie thought it was a real poss
ibility. Based on the Sawyer she knew now, she saw glimpses of someone struggling to change. Maybe that was more wishful thinking.
What really had her off balance was the realization that when she got her memory back, everything was going to be different.
* * *
In the hour Maddie had been gone, he’d had three calls from the MacLeods. Two from April, and one from Ace. April was checking to make sure he didn’t need any help; she’d be happy to come over. Ace had called to say there was no shame in asking for help and that he was all thumbs when he had newborn twins.
I don’t have newborn twins. They’re not mine, he’d wanted to say.
But were they? Was their father ever coming back?
Sawyer couldn’t answer that. So he’d turned down the offers of assistance this morning and said he was doing just fine on his own.
He hadn’t been doing all that great, actually. Shane had screamed bloody murder for fifteen minutes before Sawyer had been able to calm him down. Turned out he’d needed to burp and had diaper rash. A good pat on the tiny back and some ointment and cornstarch, and Fussypants was good as new. Then his brother started in. No need to burp. No diaper rash. Not wet. Sawyer had finally struck gold when he held cradled Max in his arms and rocked him from side to side while singing a Beatles song. Max clearly liked the Beatles.
Last night, when he’d held Max in the nursery, taking care of a baby seemed so easy. Sure, he’d said to Maddie. Go, no rush, take your time. I’ve got this. Ha. He’d been so smug.
I heard everything you said...
He liked how honest she was. Maddie-with-her-memory would have probably come clean, too, but the past few weeks had been so strained that maybe she wouldn’t have. It all might have seemed too much.
But once again, he was in his house, a baby in his arms, unsure if this was forever or not. If this was the new normal. Good thing he’d attended one of Reed Barelli’s classes on caring for multiples ages-zero-to-three-months at the community center, because he’d learned—
A Wyoming Christmas to Remember Page 9
