The times my mind wanted to tempt me with a deep sleep, nightmares jolted me awake. I couldn’t recall a night I’d slept more than three hours. I’d wake after a nightmare, draped in sweat, reaching out for the man my mother kept me from, wrongly blaming him for my recent trauma when she truly should’ve pointed the finger at me.
On a day I felt well enough to travel, my mother moved about my room and spoke of her plans to renovate my room and make it more adult-like.
For the first time in a long time, I had no reason to look over my shoulder. The knowledge didn’t stop my habits, and I couldn’t help feeling the self-enforced paranoia. I wondered about Nadine, Mrs. Sherman, and Adam. Were they still prisoners in Braedan’s basement, or had he killed them? I never tackled the topic when we spoke, and I couldn’t figure out a reason why I avoided it.
“You know what I’d love?” I said to my mother, forcing myself to grin, no matter how plastic it might’ve been. “Those crab legs that we used to get from Baltimore.”
“Baltimore?” Puzzlement creased my mother’s beautiful face.
“It would be nice to have a dinner with those crab legs.”
“Of course, baby girl. Anything for you.” She gave me a kiss. Her heels clicked against the floor as she began to leave, but halted at the doorway.
I glanced at my mother, missing the one I had before I turned myself over to Noah to save my friend Brandy—a friend I hadn’t spoken to since I called her while I was in the hospital. She felt her sacrifice meant nothing when I admitted I turned myself over to Noah, and ended our distant conversation with five gut-wrenching words, “I need time to think.”
Nathan left for Chicago before a party was ever in the planning stages. He called me a few times to check on me. We lost contact eventually. We were once again a dispersed group of friends as we were after Gregory’s assault years ago.
“I’ll be fine,” I said to my mother to urge her on her way.
She gave me an uncertain nod and left my sight. When I heard the front door close, I escaped my room to watch her walk to her car and drive down the street lined with trees in the midst of bloom, indicating the beginning of spring. I immediately slid my phone from the back pocket of my jeans.
“Keaton.” Braedan’s voice was a soothing ointment to cure all my ails.
“I convinced my mother to go to a restaurant in Baltimore during rush hour. Am I horrible person? I feel like I am.”
“Never.”
“How fast can you get here?”
“I’m already out the door.”
My laugh was strained and muted, darkened by an ordeal I wasn’t sure I’d ever overcome.
The wait to see Braedan was torturous. For a splinter in time, I wondered if everything would change for me, and I’d look at him as a stranger.
After a few strong words to my security team—that had thinned out as the months had passed and my mother believed the rumors about Noah’s passing—it was easy to sneak Braedan into the house, beyond the security guard who was told he’d be fired if he went against my orders.
I left the door open, stepping backward to allow him entry.
“Hey,” I said casually, my smile untamed.
Relief washed over his face as he reached for me only to hold back.
I immediately picked up his hand and placed it against my cheek. Under the warmth of his touch, everything standing between us began to disappear. I stepped closer until barely anything—invisible or not—stood in our way. “It’s okay,” I assured him. Closing my eyes, I parted my lips prepared for him to kiss me. “Braedan,” I nearly whimpered, stating many requests with one word.
I didn’t have to wait for long.
His kisses, unlike anything I’d ever witnessed prior, left me feeling drugged. I went for his belt. He reached up and palmed the back wall and stepped closer, trapping my hand at his waist while he consumed me with the fervent caress of his lips.
He bent down and raked his lips against my neck, eliciting shivers.
“I’m not taking this any further until you state what you want,” he whispered into my ear, latching his mouth around the lobe and sucking hard. With gusto, he loosened his tie, kissing me, waiting for me to give him permission.
I noticed the worry in his eyes and reassured him with a nod. The pressure built up to an irritating level. The desire burned my skin raw. “Please, I need you inside me,” I pleaded with a nearly inaudible volume.
His hands slipped up my dress, between my legs and underneath my panties. On discovering my wet slit, he groaned into my ear and bit it. My body was in his hands and flush against the nearest wall away from the stairs. Directing my thighs up and around him, he pushed me up to straddle him.
There was no room for sense of thought—the desire to physically connect with him took control of everything.
With his eyes fixed on mine, he shoved my panties away from my sex and slowly unzipped. Making sure I heard the noises emanating from my doused sex, he held his erection, sliding it up and down the fissure of my sex. He teased me, taking the longest time at my clit. Watching me, waiting, his eyelids were halfway down his eyes and he took a painstakingly long time to undulate his hips and push himself fully inside me.
My shocked gasp echoed throughout the room. He began to move, keeping most of his length inside me and removing barely an inch to keep me pumped full. I bounced against him, my back slapped against the wall, rattling the artwork, threatening to make it fall to the floor.
“Braedan,” I gasped, crossing my ankles behind him to keep him close. “Don’t stop,” I begged. “Please, please don’t stop.”
He held me tighter, rearranging me, moving my body as he pounded me with a pleasurable violence. The lips of my sex began to sting, but what was felt inside my core trumped everything. I was sex-stoned.
I felt it burn through every nerve and every patch of my skin. I shuddered against him, ready to release a bottle of chaos that had been pent up for what felt like too long. It burst, creating a noisy cataclysmic moment inside my body. I slipped back, weak. My body arched as it seared every nerve. My eyes rolled back and the familiar nauseous feeling consumed me. The ringing in my ears. The fuzziness clouding my vision and making me lose my equilibrium. He covered my mouth, watching me with a sensuality-laced grin on his lips, seemingly adoring the vision of me in the midst of pleasurable agony.
His grip on the swell of my ass firmed. He teased me, completely pulling out of me and pushing deeply inside. On his insertion, my arousal began to bleed out, dousing my thighs and coating his erection. “Look at me, Keaton,” he whispered against my lips.
I shook my head, keeping my eyes firmly closed. He plucked me off the wall and set me down on the floor while remaining inside me. He spread my legs widely and withdrew, leaving his pulsing soft tip to massage the entry of my sex.
Reaching down, his hand dwarfed my neck and part of my jaw, forcing my head to angle. I kept my eyes tightly closed as he slid inside me. The strokes, his pelvis slamming into mine, should’ve been punishing, but it felt ethereal. Having him inside me reached every nerve ending and made my body bend to his will.
I cried out, senseless. Everything about it was senseless. I could never make sense of the strong way Braedan swayed my body, taking it to places never before experienced.
“Open your eyes and look at me, Keaton,” he requested in hushed and strained whispers. Releasing my legs, he leaned forward, his body mashed against mine. His hips worked to penetrate me a little deeper every time he drove into me.
My eyes shot opened without permission. I whimpered his name and desperately searched for his hands. Threading his fingers in mine, he closed his fists, placing my hands on either side of my head.
It was…too much to take. The connection ignited and fell on the brink of an explosion.
I threw my head to the side and muffled my screams of pleasure behind my closed mouth. My body arched off the floor. My toes curled and nothing but panting air escaped my open mouth. “
I want you to come inside me.” My voice was a breathy rasp.
Slowing down his pace, he grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at him. The gaze he cast my way set my chest on fire. I forced my blinking to slow and tried to look at other things. The erratic rise and fall of his chest. His disheveled clothes. The place where we physically connected. It didn’t matter, I was drawn to the alluring look in his eyes. It entranced me for passing minutes of nothing but our heavy breaths filling the air. With a rigid and softer pace, he let go and a shot of warmth rifled through me.
He could wield such a powerful control over me. I never felt anything like I did with Braedan. Nothing could compare. It defied explanation and had no hopes of being replicated with anyone else.
He released my thighs and covered my open mouth, panting for air, with his own. “Come home with me and wake up next to me.”
“I-I can’t. I can’t keep hiding things from my parents. They either have to accept you…or…”
His dense black eyelashes shielded a view of his eyes. “Maybe they shouldn’t.”
“Don’t say that.”
He chewed his soft lips for a minute too long and kept his eyes from view by his tightly shut eyelids. “We need to have the talk we’ve been avoiding, Keaton.”
“I know,” I said, raking my hands through his silky strands. “Take me somewhere.”
THE SILENCE BETWEEN us inside my car deprived me of what I needed the most. The sound of her voice was a necessary deterrent to direct me off a path toward my descent. Keaton was gradually slipping from my fingertips, and I had no immediate recourse to prevent it.
“Why haven’t you asked me about what he did to me?” Her quiet voice cracked on the question.
I had no immediate answer. Her thoughts appeared to circle the worst in her life while ignoring the good in the time we spent apart. I contemplated if she filled her days with distractions to distance herself from me while she submitted herself to the memory of the nightmares my brother created.
In our most intimate moment together earlier, the distance was a tangible obstacle between us. After all we’d endured, Keaton continued to grapple with our connection. “I didn’t want to make you relive it.”
“I relive it every day.” She shoved her trembling hands between her thighs.
A sign for a gas station coerced me to check the gauge—I was near a quarter of a tank. Perfect timing…for the first time in my life.
I parked the car in a stall at the service station. “Do you need anything from inside?”
Her head swayed with fragility and her eyes were transfixed on the view outside her window. “I’m in the mood for waffles. Meet me at the diner next door after you’re done?”
I opened the door for her to exit the vehicle. Her steps were unsure and her shoulders slumped as she guided herself toward the shack of a diner next to the gas station. She paused halfway there to stand at a narrow alley between the two buildings. A truck with the tailgate retracted caught her eye. An elderly woman sat on the bed of the truck with her arm draped over a large cardboard box with crude cut-out holes.
The woman granted Keaton a genuine smile and retrieved a fluff of black and white fur from the box—a black and white kitten—and handed it to Keaton.
The shade, continuously darkening Keaton’s eyes, had begun to lift. Hesitation stalled her movements, and she quickly declined the woman’s offer in silence.
The difference was never more stark in her eyes than it is under the harsh light of the diner hosting only one other lone patron. Behind Keaton’s light-brown eyes was an empty hollow. The menu failed to capture my focus; Keaton’s face was the source of my concentration.
The waitress approached our table. I told her to provide us with more time to peruse the menu. A hint of a sour attitude was cast in my direction, but nothing mattered outside of Keaton.
“What happened to them?” Keaton asked.
I prodded her to explain her question with a tilt of my brow.
“Them.” Her shoulders bowed forward, and she whispered, “The ones in the basement.”
“Are you sure you want to know?” My mention of the said spoke loudly of the unsaid.
She shook her head, and the lack of information sank her features even more. “And Noah?”
I gave her a grim appearance. My message was received with the closing of her eyes and her chin resting on her chest.
“Food not as good as you hoped?” I asked, breaking the silence after we had ordered, been provided with our food, and Keaton pushed pieces of her waffle around with her fork without devouring a single morsel.
She shook her head and finally looked up at me. “I guess I didn’t want waffles after all.”
“I can flag down the waitress for something else.”
“No…I guess I’m not hungry.”
I reached across the table and she met me halfway, taking my hand. “You’ll never forgive me.” It was a statement though it could’ve been a question.
“I forgive you.” Her glassy, dark-honey eyes met mine, intense with despair. “I forgave you because you did what he didn’t. You let me in and made me feel comfortable enough to let you inside. I won’t make excuses for his past behavior, just like I can’t make any excuses for yours. You’re the only reason I believe people can redeem themselves. I believe you can be a better person; I was wrong in thinking Noah ever could be. Still.”
She dropped her fork, discomfort bathed her in its sourness. “I would be a hypocrite if I ignored your crimes—before you showed me who you were and after. There has to be a line. I can’t think it’s okay because the people deserved it. It would make me a monster, too, wouldn’t it? Maybe I already am for what I did to Noah.”
“Noah was self-defense.”
“Do you really believe that? He wasn’t armed.”
“Wasn’t he?” My shoulders guided me forward. “You were right to do what you did. As for me, I never want you to excuse the sins I’ve committed against you.” I glanced down at her hand, wishing and willing for her to never let go. “I love you, Keaton. I’ll always love you.”
Her hand reached out and brushed against the stubble on my face. “In another life, if I had never met Noah and met you as the man you really are, I think we would’ve been really happy together.”
“I’m not wishing for another life. You gave me everything I needed, Keaton. I’m sorry I fucked up and failed you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be normal enough to know what was good and what was wrong for you.”
“Braedan…” Dropping her hand from my face, she shook her head. “Please, don’t do this. I feel guilty enough after…” She stood from the table and slid into the booth next to me. Leaning up, she kissed my forehead, lingering for a while. I inhaled her, mesmerized by her scent. “I love you, Braedan.”
A sudden pressure developed inside my chest, disallowing movement. I wanted to hold her and never let go. My hands rebelled against my desires and remained settled on my lap.
The pain in her face was difficult to witness. “I need time to get my head together, but I still want to be with you. Don’t push me away. I…need you.”
“You shouldn’t make excuses for either of us. At the same time, you shouldn’t excuse my behavior while abhorring his. We are two sides of the very same coin, Keaton. Murderers, rapists, unredeemable.”
“And what if I don’t believe it? What if I believe you can be redeemed?”
I had no answer for her.
AS I MADE my way to Braedan’s car ahead of him while he settled the bill with the cashier, my logic told me to allow him to increasingly put distance between us. Noah had to pay for his crimes, and so should Braedan—I should’ve joined them for the crimes I committed as well.
It took more courage than easily given to forgive someone for all they’d done. It was courage and not a weakness—I once thought it was the opposite. I had to forgive myself, and I lived and died by the forgiveness I held for Braedan.
I opened the door to his car and slid i
nto the soft leather seat. The sound of a cat meowing alerted me. The meowing resounded closer, from behind me. In the back seat sat a familiar box with holes. I grabbed the handle, opening it to reveal what was inside.
On top of several blankets, the exact black and white kitten I spotted at the gas station was trying to vault out of the box.
I slipped her into my arms and stared at her. Holding her warm furry body to my chest, I caught sight of something in the mirror—my smile. “Not everything is so black and white,” I whispered to her.
Memories like a stream of consciousness came back to me and they were filled with the times I spent with Braedan. He was a mess and so was I. In those pieces of time we spent together, we were ourselves. We learned to find our brand of happiness, and I had faith we could find it again.
“Braedan,” I screamed, my voice cracking. I bolted out of the car, catching his attention as he made his way toward me.
He looked at me with puzzlement. “Keaton?”
“I won’t ever forget.” I held the kitten tightly in my arms, and I repeated myself over and over again until he embraced me.
“I don’t expect you to.”
“What am I supposed to do?”
“What have I shown you, Keaton? Don’t do this if you’re not sure. I want you to be happy, and I don’t care if it’s at the expense of what I want.”
“That’s the problem. I don’t know if I can be happy without you.”
His forehead touched mine as he sighed. “I think you can be.”
“I am your place of worship,” I whispered and reached up to place my arm around the back of his head. “Do you remember when you said that to me?”
“It’s true. I worship you, Keaton. You know that.”
“Then stop pulling away from me. If you want to be punished for all you’ve done, you should atone for your sins…with me.”
Seducing Virtue (Wicked Trinity Book 3) Page 25
