As she turns her back on me, I realise I’ve said all I can for tonight. I’ve laid bare my soul; shown her the extent I’m prepared to go to. In the morning, if she says yes, I’ll have to make good on my promise to leave the club.
Leave my brothers who’ve become so important to me.
But I’ve made the offer, I can’t pull it back.
Hating that she’s indicating the conversation is over, and there’s nothing more I can do, I take a step toward the door, but before I get there, she calls me back. When I turn, she’s staring at my cut as though it’s a snake poised to strike her.
Going back, I pick it up, but fold it over my arm. Just one word from her, and tonight will be the last time I wear it.
A sound in the corridor has my head turning, but before I can investigate, Saffie speaks again.
“Niran… I do appreciate you.”
Sure. That’s what I want from her. Fucking appreciation. I raise my chin, and exit the room, hearing her close the door, engage the lock then shoot home the bolt.
I check the hallway, but except for footsteps on the stairs, there’s no one.
For a second, I lean back against the door, my eyes closed, and my head shaking. Why did I fuck it up?
Could I really leave the club?
I straighten and shake out my shoulders. If that’s what it takes, that’s what I’ll have to do. The alternative of not knowing where she is, and that she’s safe, is unthinkable.
To never know if she’s happy, or even alive? To think of her finding a new man eventually? Hell, I’d go mad.
I take a few breaths, my momentous, impulsive decision not settling easily. Then my sixth sense warns me, I’m not alone. Snapping my eyes open, I turn my head and see someone approaching.
“The fuck you doing here?”
“I was looking for you.” Cyn bites her lip. “I didn’t know where you’d gone.” Her eyes widen, and her mouth forms an unattractive smirk. “Were you with her... Saffie?”
“What the fuck has that got to do with you?”
“I’m your sister. I don’t like her. She’s no good for you.” She postures as though she’s got rights in the matter.
Hell to the no on that. Putting my hand on her chest, I start pushing her back toward the stairs. “Just get out of here, Cyn. I’m your brother in name only. You’ve got no claim on me other than blood.” To make it clear, I add, “You’ve got no say in what I do, or who’s going to be my ol’ lady.”
“Old lady?” she gasps. Her pretence at being soft and nice disappears. Her nails come up and she launches at me scratching. “You can’t take an old lady. I won’t let you do that.”
I’m more of a match for her, catching her hand and holding it. “The world doesn’t revolve around your wants and needs, Cyn, and it’s time you learned that.”
“But Niran…” She pouts. “You’re my brother.”
“And you’re my sister, God help me. I’ve got nothing for you, Cyn. I’ve given you a place to stay, my time, I’ve been there for you. But now someone else needs me.”
She casts a look up the corridor behind me. “Don’t you dare try and talk to Saffie, you hear me? You try and come between us, then you’re fuckin’ dead to me.”
Turning her around, I push her toward the stairs. With one backward glance toward me, she huffs out a breath, and at last seems to get the message and leaves.
I watch until she disappears, hanging around a few minutes more in case she tries to come back. Then when I’m sure the threat’s abated, I swing on my heel and take myself off to bed.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Saffie
Niran had completely overwhelmed me, making my head spin until I didn’t know which way was up.
I’m indignant, how dare he say in that off-handed way that he’d claimed me, when he knew I never wanted to be property again. Sure, Niran’s not Duke, or not on the surface, but who knows what would happen if I allowed myself to be claimed? Bikers live by their own code, and from what I know, it certainly doesn’t appeal to me.
Even if Niran’s views of an old lady are different to the experience I’ve had, I’ve had enough of controlling men and being kept under the thumb. I didn’t escape from Duke just to go back to another dominant man.
Maybe if he’d spoken to me, explained his reasons before claiming me in front of his prez… No, not even then. If getting help from the Devils involves me tying myself to a man, then I’d rather take chances and do it on my own. From what I gather, my new papers are already coming along and shouldn’t be tied to any agreement or otherwise I have with Niran. My only option is to take them and run, and this time, try to disappear completely.
Even with the lock on the door, I know I won’t settle here. However much I try to tell myself the Satan’s Devils are different, the sounds they make, the clothes they wear are too reminiscent of what was my life for the past few years. One part of my brain tries to tell me I’m better off staying, while the other, and larger side is acting purely on instinct, and telling me I’m a fool to seek sanctuary in a lion’s den. What didn’t help was Niran acting like a Neanderthal, and proving by his words, that underneath, he was just like the men I’d been running from. How dare he claim me?
I’m scared, on edge, and even staying here a couple of days will be too much for my already stretched nerves.
If I return to my apartment, there’s a risk Duke will find me. But I’ve been careful about who knows my address, lying and giving my old one. I’d even lied on my hospital records. There should be no way he knows more than the name I’m using and that I’m somewhere in San Diego. Would he even set out with no more knowledge than that?
I know I’m banking my life on the answer being no.
Being equally scared of staying, and going back to my apartment on my own, the latter wins out, or at least, that’s how I’m feeling currently. If I manage to sleep, I can rethink everything when I wake up. Things often look different come the morning.
If I stay, would I weaken?
I pace the room, trying to get the image of Niran out of my head. If I’d met him before Duke, yes, I would have fallen for him. Who wouldn’t? He’s handsome, kind, thoughtful and considerate, and while I’m certainly not in the place where I think he, or any man would ever arouse me, if I were to get there, I’m sure I wouldn’t turn Niran down.
My problem is, I’d felt the same with Duke when I’d first met him, unable to see that it was all a ruse. I don’t know how I can shake the thought at the back of my mind that the same thing is happening again. But what would Niran get out of it?
Niran offered to leave his club for me.
The disrespectful way he’d thrown down his cut and the immensity of his offer had astounded me, and I can’t understand either gesture. Was it an indication of what I’ve come to mean to him? But why? Ever since he met me, I’ve been a hot mess. I’ve not led him on, nor for one moment let him think we could ever be more than friends. Yet he seemed set on providing his personal protection.
Or was it a ruse to get me to stay?
An offer to leave a club isn’t made lightly, and that’s if he even can. Knife would have had any man killed who’d expressed a desire to give up his cut. Are the Satan’s Devils different? Maybe they are, but they can’t be by much. Loyalty is earned, and once given, it’s one hell of a snub for whatever reason to wish to leave a club.
Does Niran really think that much of me?
If he does, I’m not in a position to reciprocate.
When I was with Duke, I wasn’t allowed to be me. Even with my first husband I was pretending to be the perfect wife. While I was pregnant, I had to think of more than just myself. I was going to be a mom with another person dependent on me.
That would have been fulfilling, and oh how I wish it had worked out. But sacrificing for a child is different to revolving your life around a man. Much as I miss my baby, and wish things hadn’t turned out as they had, there’s something inside me screaming this is my c
hance and I should take it. There’s something attractive about standing my own ground and starting a new life with the chance of it being whatever I make it. For that, I’d be right in turning Niran down.
But in the cold light of day, will the dawn remind me that I’m not unencumbered? I’ve a man intent on finding and hurting me. Alone means vulnerable in these circumstances, so maybe I shouldn’t be so hasty turning Niran away.
Maybe Niran and I could make a go of it. I’d be using him, sure, but perhaps in time, I’d find myself as a woman again, and hell, I’d be hard pushed to find a better man.
But who would Niran be once he was a Devil no more? Who was the man without his club? Even he must know taking on Duke and the Wolves by himself would be suicide. We’d be looking over our shoulders for the rest of our lives. We’d always be on the run.
It wouldn’t be fair to make him live that way. Duke’s closing in. Finding me once makes it almost certain he’d find me again, even with a new identity. Much as I hope changing my name again would be sufficient protection, I doubt it.
Without the support of the Devils, I’d be back to square one, and Niran dragged down alongside me.
Do I need them too? Much as I don’t want to admit it, only another MC would be able to take down the Wolves and get Duke finally off my back. But to get them onside, I’d have to agree to be his old lady.
No. No way. My body freezes when I even think it. My heart palpitates, and my lungs gasp for oxygen as if all the air has disappeared. Just the term has such strong connotations I don’t think I could ever shake myself free of the nightmares in my head.
As for Niran, I don’t believe he wants to be an old man, and certainly not mine. He’s either offering for hitherto unknown ulterior motives, or out of a misplaced sense of honour which it would be wrong to accept.
It’s been over an hour since Niran left, and I’m in no mood to go to bed. My brain’s whirring, trying to work out what to do for the best. I sit on the bed, holding the key to the lock that Niran had installed for me, still wondering what to make of his sudden declaration and whether I’m right to dismiss it.
No one has ever offered to give up anything for me. My ex before Duke hadn’t given up much, not even the women he’d kept on the side. Duke? Hell, he just slotted me into his life and carried on like he had before. Niran’s the one man ever to offer to make a sacrifice.
Loud footsteps sound outside my door, and the lock rattles as whoever it is passes.
“Hey, Kink!” someone shouts out, his words slurred.
“What?” is called back, slightly more soberly.
“You really got a bitch tied up in your room?”
“Sure fuckin’ have,” is called back.
The footsteps recede, and so do the voices.
I though, am having a full-blown panic attack, trying to get air into my lungs. My heart’s beating frantically, and blood drains from my head, making me feel faint. My shaking legs won’t support me, so I drop to the floor.
They’re Wolves in disguise.
Thoughts slam into me one after the other.
They brought me to the clubhouse when they had no real information that Duke was closing in, but the threat was enough to make me fall in with their plans. If Duke’s still in Nevada, I could have stayed in my own apartment until I had a new identity.
Why was it so important to stay here?
Suddenly, Niran’s offer to leave the club, the one thing that had made me start to trust him, has become more sinister. Was that just one last desperate ploy to stop me running away? Maybe their only reason to get me to stay was because they knew Duke was coming for me, but their motive wasn’t to keep me safe.
I’d trusted Duke.
I’d trusted my ex before him.
I’m a terrible judge of men.
My life depends on me not making a mistake again.
My revelations make me run for the bathroom, vomiting up the meagre dinner I’d forced down. It’s happening again.
No, Niran wouldn’t do that.
But I heard it myself. One of the brothers here has a woman tied up in his room. That sounds to me like a sex slave. Just like the Wolves.
Stop! I instruct myself. Chest heaving, heart racing, I pull myself up. Deep breaths. I concentrate on calming myself. It’s just the compound getting to me. Stay, I should stay, voice my fears to Niran tomorrow. Be an adult about this.
My eyes flick to the door, then my brow creases. There’s a note that’s been slipped under it. Wondering what it is, I go pick it up, unfolding it and holding it under the light.
Ask Niran about his old lady.
What? I read it again, but the words don’t change.
Old lady? Had he had one before? He’d never told me. And if he had, what happened to her, and why had he kept it a secret? Bile rises in my throat as another thought occurs to me. What if she’s still around? That would mean I was right, and he’d been lying to me.
Why?
Fuck knows, I don’t, but I doubt there’s any good reason. I’d been on the cusp before, and this is the final straw. There’s only one thought in my head, I’ve got to leave. With shaking hands, I pick up my bag, throw the few things I’d taken out back into it, then I start my escape.
Tiptoeing along the corridor, I walk to the side of the stairs, stepping as quietly as possible. When I reach the clubroom, I freeze. There’s a prospect tiredly wiping down the bar.
He glances up, eyes my bag, and I slump, knowing I’m going to be escorted back upstairs. But all he does is give a shake of his head, and nods toward the door.
“You leaving?”
Incapable of speaking, I nod my head.
“I’ll open the gate from here.”
Chapter Thirty
Niran
I might go through my nightly routine and slide under the covers, but that doesn’t mean I sleep. My conversation with Saffie plays on repeat.
Did I mean what I said? The pros and cons go around and around my head as I toss and turn all night. Leave the Devils? It would be like starting all over again, and what the fuck would I do with my life? I’d already failed once as a civilian, and nothing has changed.
So I’ll tell her I didn’t mean it. Stay here and live the ride. I stare at my cut hanging over the chair, thinking how much I disrespected it last night.
What the fuck kind of man am I? I’d be leaving her to start all over again by herself, just because that was exactly what I was too afraid to do.
Would I resent her if I left my brothers behind? I would hope not but suspect that I might.
Maybe we can reach a compromise?
Fuck. What do I want? My cake and to eat it. I snort. Yeah, well, I’m not getting that. And I’m not going back on my words to Saffie. Fuck knows why, but for her, I’ll upturn my life just to be able to stay in hers whichever way she wants it. The restless night has only strengthened my resolve.
Having only dozed lightly, I wake early and dress and shower fast, wanting to be around when she wakes up. I pass by her door, tapping lightly. When there’s no answer, I’m not surprised, we’d spoken until late. Poor girl must have been exhausted.
I’ll have something to eat first, I decide. Let her get the sleep she needs and deserves. Then once she’s rested, I’ll find out which option she desires. Somehow, I don’t think it will be agreeing to become my old lady.
I broaden my shoulders. So, I’ll be leaving the club, making a fresh start. I’m a fuckin’ Marine, for fuck’s sake. I got this. I can fuckin’ deal with civilian life.
“Saffie have a good night?” Kink slaps my shoulder with his one free hand, in the other, he’s carrying two brimming cups of coffee, and heading for the stairs.
“I presume so. There’s no sound from her room so I take it she’s still sleeping.”
He nods, grins, then tells me, “Best get off, I’ve got a pet waiting,” and disappears to the second floor.
“Er, Niran.”
“Yeah, Curtis. What do you
want?” I go to walk past him, the aroma from the cups Kink was carrying making me thirsty.
“Saffie’s gone. She went in the middle of the night.”
I stop dead in my tracks. Gone? “Why the fuck didn’t you stop her?” I round on the prospect. She’s gone? I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face. I’d offered to give up everything for her.
Curtis’s eyes narrow. “Because I didn’t think she was held fuckin’ prisoner. I’ll do all the shit you want, Niran, but I won’t take the blame for a woman leaving the compound. I was given no instructions to the contrary.”
“You’ve got a brain in your head.” I swear he won’t be getting my vote now. “You should have guessed we wanted her to stay.”
“How the fuck was I to know?” Curtis retorts louder than he should.
“What the fuck’s going on?” Salem roars, thumping down the stairs. “Prospect! Show some damn respect. Niran, explain now.”
Glaring at Curtis, I turn my back on him. “Saffie’s gone,” I explain. “She left before dawn.”
Salem shrugs. “Girl didn’t seem comfortable here, which is understandable. We can’t do anymore. At least it means we don’t need to go head-to-head with the Crazy Wolves. Must admit I wasn’t sure how to square that in my head.”
“Where’s Saffie?” Patsy demands as she comes down the stairs. “I stopped to check in on her. Her door was unlocked, and everything’s gone from her room.”
Luckily, Lost is following her. “Prez?” I shout out. “Can I have a word?”
“Niran?” Patsy insists. “Where is she?”
“Her apartment I expect,” I snap at Patsy, causing Lost to emit a warning growl.
“My office, now, Niran!”
“Give me a minute, Prez?”
“One minute,” he offers, piercing me with his eyes.
I stomp out of the clubroom and into the morning air. I breathe deep. I’m angry, but it’s not all at her. It’s also at me and how I couldn’t keep my fucking mouth shut. She must have heard the word property and ignored that I’d offered to leave the club for her.
Avenging Devil Part 1: Satan’s Devils MC - San Diego Chapter #3 Page 31
