by Lewis, R. J.
Yeah, this was more fucked up than I realized.
Isla opened the door wider and gestured us in, and I helped him inside the cosy house, settling him down on a rustic, kitchen chair. All the while, Marko’s eyes had never left hers. He stared at her like he was entranced, and I felt bad for the poor bastard because she had immediately put up her walls.
She threw her dirty blonde hair up and tore apart the kitchen, grabbing at the first aid kit the second she saw it.
“Are you going to tell me what happened, Alec?” she asked harshly, and I wondered suddenly why she called him by his middle name.
“No,” he answered in the same tone.
“Then I take it you fucked up, again. Shame it didn’t end with that bullet in your head instead.”
“After last week, I’ll have died a happy man.” He smirked wickedly, eyeing her reaction.
Last week? Marko was keeping shit from me.
She tensed and a blush rose to her cheeks and she said not a word about it. I stared between both of them, feeling like the odd man out. Being around two people who looked like they hated each other and equally wanted to fuck each other’s brains out wasn’t where I pictured my night going.
I needed Allie.
“You can go,” Marko told me, once again sensing my thoughts. “I’ll be fine here.”
“Let me know how you’re doing in the morning,” I told him. I nodded once at Isla on my way out, and she looked away from me like I was bad news.
Women. Always so goddamn suspicious.
Eight
Heath
I raced back to the apartment and hoped beyond anything for Allie to be asleep. I needed some peace. I had a busy morning ahead of me. The car was covered in blood, had bags of money in the backseat, and I’d be walking into the apartment with nothing but my plain tee and cheeks that were scratched to shit. I looked disastrous – hell, I felt even worse. I didn’t have it in me to put on my poker face.
Lies!
Lies!
Lies!
When was it going to end?!
“Another late night, huh, Lawson?”
Wafts of Tru’s perfume assaulted me from behind. Where the fuck had she come from?
I gritted my teeth and shoved the key into the entrance door of the apartment building. I opened the door and didn’t bother leaving it open for her. She made it in time before it shut, slipping in quickly, her heels clacking unevenly on the tile floor. I resisted rolling my eyes and cursing at her. Drunk again, this chick. Christ, she was losing her shit fast and really didn’t care about changing.
I didn’t say a word to her as she stopped by my side and waited for the elevator to open. I felt the heat of her gaze, raking me up and down in that lustful way she couldn’t seem to shake off. This bitch was still hungry for me, and no matter what I did to shove her away, she still came bounding to me for more.
“I’ve been missing you, you know,” she whispered in an attempt at sounding seductive. By the slur in her voice, it failed miserably.
I glanced at her, repulsed to see that her make-up was shot to shit; mascara ran down her cheeks, caked and old, like she’d cried hours prior and hadn’t bothered to wipe her face.
“The fuck is happening to you, Tru?” I found myself asking. The elevator doors opened up, but I turned to her instead, running my eyes over every inch of her. She was already thin before, now she looked like a goddamn carcass.
“Been having fun,” she replied, lifting the corner of her lips up in a mischievous smile. I felt her hand on my bare arm, and a sick feeling took over as her fake nails dragged along my skin.
“Don’t fucking touch me,” I snapped at her, whipping her hand away.
But the bitch took a step closer to me, rubbing her tits against my arm. I quickly pressed the elevator button again.
“Don’t you remember what fun is, Heath?” she asked. “Partying and fucking and forgetting? You used to be good at that before you got balls deep with a young, drama-hungry bitch.”
“Shut up, Trudy.”
“Do you have another brother hiding somewhere? You might want to keep him hidden away before she fucks him too.”
My head pounded even harder. “I said shut the fuck up, Trudy!”
“She’s using you. She’ll toss you away once Ryker’s out. You know most prisoners only serve three quarters of their sentences, right? You better use her as much as you can before then.”
I’d truly had enough of this.
The next time she touched me, I grabbed her arm and shoved her body against the wall. My body enveloped her, and I stared down at the bitch wanting nothing more than to shred her to bits. I was going insane, my head pounding with the urge to take my aggression out on something. I’d just witnessed my best friend shot – thought he was dead too – before he put a bullet in another guy’s head. The last thing I needed was Trudy running down my woman again.
“Fuck off about Allie,” I snarled at her. “If you know what’s best for you, you’d stop running that mouth. You keep that shit up around everyone else and you’ll be fucked up in no time, Tru.”
I stepped back from her, alarmed by the violent urges that flowed like bloodstream in my body. She didn’t look bothered, though. In fact, I saw excitement brewing in her eyes.
“Three in the morning,” she suddenly stated, calmly.
I looked at her sideways, confused as shit. “What?”
“It’s three in the morning.”
“So what?”
“Matt called me. He said he was looking for you.”
“Why would he call you?”
She shrugged. “For some reason he thought you were fucking me or something. Told me to tell him the truth, that if you’re cheating on Allie, he needed to know.”
I stepped back from her like I’d been zapped. Why the hell would Matt want to know where I was?
“You’re not fucking me,” she mused out loud, smiling a little, “but judging by your clothes and the scratches on your face, I’d say you’re fucking somebody. I knew your little fluff wasn’t good in bed. Knew you’d start looking for more, and it seems you’ve got a much rougher taste than what I remember. You know I’m here, right?”
“I know you’re desperate,” I retorted, pressing the elevator button yet again. “I also know you need to clean yourself up, Trudy, and mind your own fucking business.”
She giggled as I stepped inside, ridding myself of the stench of her. I heard her high pitched sounds even long after the elevator doors closed and took me up. All the while I wondered about Matt. Why in the hell was he getting involved in my business? First Marko, and now this.
My skull was pounding by the time I stepped into the apartment. It was like walking through a fog; my entire vision was cloudy. The numbness I needed was wearing off. After Ricardo, I thought I was well capable of handling death, but this time it felt all wrong. I didn’t know what was right anymore. I didn’t know if I should hate myself, feel guilty, or accept that Marko had made the right decision.
Gone was my confidence. I was lost and confused. I’d intended on cleaning out cash houses but never killing people in the process! I’d taken a dark turn for the worse, and I didn’t want to keep walking down this path. I was trapped. I wanted out of the plan, wanted out of this town, wanted away from all the bad it stood for.
And then this shit with Matt…
I stepped into the dark kitchen when hands suddenly grabbed at me and a little force knocked me back.
“Where have you been?!” yelled Allie, her voice bordering on hysterical. Those hands then gripped my shirt, pulling me to her. In the dark, I looked down at her tear streaked face, regarding me like I’d killed her.
“Hey,” I started cautiously, “I told you –”
“Where were you?!” she demanded. Her body shook as she took a large step back, letting go of me. She was glaring now, and shaking like I’d never seen before in her night gown. “I called you for hours, Heath! For hours! Do you know how scar
ed I was?”
“I was at a fight –”
“You didn’t have a fight tonight! I called Matt, and he told me everything. And then I spent the rest of the night calling you over and over again!”
Shit. Fucking shit.
That’s why Matt was onto me.
I hadn’t charged my phone today. It died early in the evening, and I’d told myself to charge it before the morning.
I swallowed hard. It took everything in me to put on my poker face despite having no good enough excuse to offer her. I’d been caught, but she was looking at me with suspicion, and I was worried she was thinking I’d been caught doing something completely different.
“I thought I had a fight,” I told her quickly, not missing a beat. I wasn’t even thinking, literally making it up on the spot. “When I found out I didn’t, I took Marko to the pub. He had a lot to drink and I made sure he got home okay.”
She didn’t respond for a moment. Her eyes went about my face and then travelled down my body. I was filthy. Her mouth parted at the state of me, eyeing the door before looking back at me.
“Marko?” she repeated, brows raised.
“Yeah, and don’t hate me for it. He’s not what you think.”
“Why? Because he’ll back up the bullshit you’re telling me right now? That he got drunk at the bar and you looked after him all night?”
I stuck to it. “That’s what happened. My phone died so I didn’t get your calls. I swear, if I had, I would have picked them up and…” My voice trailed off as her eyes hardened. She stared at me for the longest time and for once I couldn’t read a single feature on her face.
“You’re lying to me,” she finally whispered in disbelief. She’d gone completely still when the words left her lips, as if she was suddenly coming to terms with them.
“Allie –”
“If you don’t want to tell me what you were up to, then don’t make up lies about Marko getting drunk. That asshole doesn’t drink! I’ve heard him say it too many times to count! He wouldn’t be at the bar!” Her face reddened with anger as she took a step forward and pointed at me. “And I find it unbelievable that you haven’t realized by now a woman notices everything!”
Fuck, I just dug myself a hole, this one reserved especially for me and my lying ass. How was I supposed to come back from this?
“Tell me where you were,” she demanded with a determination I wouldn’t be able to fight.
Groaning, I dragged my hands over my hair and stared up at the ceiling. So tired. So fucking tired.
“I can’t tell you,” I muttered.
“You can’t tell me?” Her voice rose in astonishment. “You can’t tell me? I’ve been through so much with you –”
“I’m done lying!” I interrupted loudly, looking back at her. I felt anger taking over now in a way I never felt toward her. “Fine, you caught me! I lied about where I would be. I didn’t have a fight. I didn’t go to the pub either. And you’re right, Marko didn’t get drunk because he doesn’t drink.”
“Tell me why you lied.”
“You can’t know.”
“I can’t know or you just won’t tell me?”
“You can’t,” I stressed, feeling the veins in my neck protrude. “It’s just that simple. I’m not doing anything to hurt you –”
“Not telling me is hurting me!”
“Look,” I growled out, leaning over to look at her square in the eye, “I’m not partying, or getting drunk, or fucking girls, or doing anything sordid behind your back! Bloody hell, I haven’t wronged you! I’ve been faithful to you every second of every day – hell, even my thoughts revolve around you. I spend every day being a father to Kayden and a partner to you, making sure you’re fed, you’re clothed, you’re happy! I’m providing to the best of my abilities. So if I don’t want to tell you one fucking thing, then I think I have that right!”
Right there.
Right. Fucking. There. I just broke her. The pain on her face and the tears that fell from her eyes broke me too. I hated myself. Hated what I just said.
God, what the hell has gotten into me?!
I was shouting like a maniac at the one person I ever loved, that ever saw value in me. But Jesus, she was stubborn, and it was killing me because I was trapped like a caged animal.
“Allie,” I whispered, trying to fix this immediately before I ruined it some more, “I love you. It kills me how much I love you. But… this… there are things I can’t say right now. I will later, but not right now.”
She didn’t respond. She just looked at me with this… this look of disappointment. I wanted to kiss it away, to make it better, to preserve the image she had of me before I ruined it completely. She turned away before I could even try and disappeared back into the room.
Just like that, everything solid I’d worked hard to build in our relationship broke down. The pieces were so deep and jagged, I didn’t know how I was going to mend this.
I dragged myself to the bedroom and watched her for a while, sitting at the end of the bed with her back to me. With one hand she was rocking the bassinet where Kayden had started fussing. He probably heard my shouting. Hell, I was sure everyone in the apartment building did too. She stared out the window and into the black sky for minutes on end, like she was looking for an escape.
Just like she felt about Ryker, she probably wanted to run far away. Probably wanted to escape the Lawson boys because we were trash. Trash for hurting a woman who was nothing but soft and beautiful on the inside.
“Allie.” I didn’t know what to say, but my heart ached and I was sure she could hear it throb in my voice.
“Is it drugs?” her vacant voice let out.
I shook my head even though she couldn’t see it. “No, baby, I’m not dealing drugs.”
“But you’re hiding something big from me.” It wasn’t a question. It was simply an observation, a statement she wanted to hear out loud and for me to acknowledge.
I swallowed hard. “Yeah.”
“Does it have something to do with that notebook I found in your pocket?”
I froze. Jesus Christ. I hadn’t even stopped to think about that notebook all night. Oh, fuck.
“Where is it?” I frantically demanded.
“I put it back.”
“Did you show it to anyone?”
“Like who?”
“Like anyone?”
“No,” she replied irritably.
My shoulders sagged with relief. I couldn’t fuck that up again. I had to have that book with me at all times. My heart felt like it was on the verge of collapsing. I rubbed my chest and told myself to calm down. She hadn’t shown anyone.
Of course she hadn’t shown anyone! Who would she have shown anyway? I was being unreasonable.
“Yeah,” I finally replied with a sigh. “It does have something to do with it.”
“And you can’t tell me what.”
“No.”
Another moment of silence passed as she absorbed my response, and then she muttered a lifeless, “Okay.”
That was it? Okay?
That didn’t feel like it was enough. I needed more.
I went to her, hating how empty she looked and sounded. I kneeled down in front of her, my heart in ruins at her tear streaked face. I grabbed her free hand and held it to my chest, hoping she’d look at me.
“I will tell you when I can,” I promised. “I swear to you. Trust me.”
Her eyes flickered to mine. “Trust you? Trust is a word you don’t understand. I would have trusted you had you come to me from the beginning. You’ve been lying to me for a while, and I don’t take well to liars. You know that. You know what your brother put me through, how many lies he fed me, the double life he led… Don’t sit here and act like this is any different.”
“This is completely different,” I adamantly replied.
She took back her hand from me and shook her head. “No, it’s not. It doesn’t feel any different, and if something doesn’t feel d
ifferent, then it isn’t.”
“So what are you saying then?”
Boldly, she retorted, “I’m saying I don’t trust you.”
Frustrated, I wanted to shake some sense into her!
She’d believed wholeheartedly I’d never hurt her. She’d convinced herself I was this perfect being that could do no wrong. But she was wrong. Her image of me was going to crash and burn, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. For once, I couldn’t hold that image up any longer. I was a human being, after all. And humans are flawed and dark and there’s just as much bad in them as there is good.
But trust… trust was something I offered her on a gold platter. She had to trust me about this, and yet she was refusing to. She was shunning the past and all I had done for her, and it made me boil with rage at the audacity!
How fucking dare she?!
I leaned closer to her, forcing her to look at me. When she did, my eyes darkened as I gritted out quietly, “Don’t say that shit about not trusting me after everything I’ve done for you. I fucking tore my life to pieces, changed every bit of me for you. I let my old life go, took on responsibilities I didn’t have to take on, and went home to you every fucking day since you came to me for help. You were knocked up by my brother. You loved him first. You fucked him in this very apartment and stared at him like he was your eternal fucking bliss. And still, I took you in and wanted you. I set aside reason and opened myself to you, fought for you, and did everything in my power to make you happy…” Practically fuming, I inched even closer and growled, “You don’t get the fucking right to tell me you don’t trust me.”
Fearing I might say something else I didn’t mean, I stormed out of the room, leaving her startled and dazed.
Nine
Ryker
“You’re a pussy,” Reaper said, chuckling at me as I mentally prepared myself for my fight with some steroid loving thief they called Animal.
Animal was new, and because nobody had started picking on him, Reaper had thrown the task onto me like it was as trivial as predicting the weather. But one look at the guy and you knew why he ran by the name Animal. He was massive, and not in a way that big guys get when they hit the gym, but massive as in naturally massive. He was thick and big everywhere, like a goddamn Viking.
