by Lewis, R. J.
Every time he carried a big box out of the apartment, I’d stop what I was doing and watch him. It was hard not to admire a sweaty, built man that made your heart pound harder and your mind dizzy with lust. He was particularly beautiful this day, wearing a tight white tee that made his biceps strain against the sleeves. The words, “Bro, do you even lift?” took up his entire back in giant bold letters, making me roll my eyes at his ego. And it was these short moments that made my heart thaw and my walls crumble. I wanted to race to him, to tell him it was okay, that he could keep whatever he wanted from me so long as I could feel his love for me again.
Of course I didn’t. I was too proud.
It took the morning to empty most of the apartment, and at the new house, it took an entire afternoon to organize all our things. We didn’t have that much stuff, so the house was still bare and in need of more furniture. We made several trips back and forth, and we were well aware we’d have to be at the apartment at least another night before everything was completely cleared. So we kept the bed behind for the night and the bare essentials.
It was while I was emptying out the cupboards in the bathroom that he approached me. He leaned his giant body against the doorframe and crossed his arms, watching me intently like I was doing some magic trick he was trying to figure out.
Instantly my body heated. I trembled a little as I put my make-up away, and waited for him to say something. When I glanced at the mirror briefly, I found his eyes travelling down my body in a heated sort of way, and as always, I felt my belly flip-flop and my sex clench. Just envisioning what it was like with him was a turn on, but the way he looked hungry for me was a trigger I felt deep in my bones. It turned me to mush. Made me feel sexy and desirable, regardless of our troubles.
“I’ve got a fight tonight,” he finally said.
I tensed a little at his words – half of me wondering if it was another lie – before I shrugged. “Okay.”
He didn’t leave. He just continued to watch me in that addictive way I loved. Half of me sort of prayed he’d just nail me against the wall, while the other logical, boring part of me remembered the lies.
Not a doormat, Allie. I reminded myself over and over again.
“I’m being serious,” he then added solemnly. “I really am fighting.”
“Okay,” I repeated absently.
“Come with me.”
I froze and looked up at his reflection in the mirror again and really took his appearance in. His dark eyes met my own, and they finally looked soft and inviting. The scratches were long gone, but his cheeks were filled with stubble now, and his hair fell over the top of his forehead. He looked so freaking raw and unkempt, and I couldn’t imagine a different look that might suit him better.
“I can’t,” I replied. “I’ve got Kayden –”
“Call your mom,” he interrupted, like he already had all the answers. “Tell her I’ll give her some money for it. She can come and look after him. It’s about time we pay her for babysitting him anyway.”
When I didn’t reply right away, he pushed off the doorframe and moved closer to me. His front pushed against my back and his fingers combed through strands of my hair from top to bottom.
“Allison, I don’t want to fight with you.”
Allison. I longed for him to call me that, the way it rolled off his tongue with affection.
“I love you too much to keep this up,” he continued soothingly. “We’re wasting time fighting, and it’s not worth it. We’re better than that.”
I wanted to stop feeling this way, but all it took was reliving his lie and feeling like I was being laughed at in public to worsen it.
“I thought we were better than that too,” I replied in a hard tone. “I thought you were different. But all it takes to really know what you’re like is walking the streets and hearing people talk.”
His face twisted to confusion. “Hearing people talk?”
“You’re lying to me, but they seem to think they know what you’re up to when you disappear.”
His expression turned grave as he replied, “What do you mean?”
I turned around and faced him. I felt like I’d swallowed a gulf ball when I managed out, “They say you’re with other girls.”
The grave look immediately disappeared and turned to irritation. “Fucking hell, Allie –”
“You tell me you’re not out there fucking other girls, but I’m hearing a shit load of Trudy in these rumours.”
Now there was nothing but shock in his eyes. “Trudy?”
“Yes, Trudy.”
I felt a little dumb mentioning her. His reaction spoke surprise on a nuclear level. I was pretty sure I was trying to find something to argue about. All that frustration needed a way to be vented out, and I’d just walked into the dumbest argument of all.
“Yeah, well, Trudy’s probably the one starting those rumours,” he said to me.
“What a convenient time for Trudy to start them,” I sarcastically replied, pushing past him. He followed me into the half-full bedroom and stood by the bed next to me as I packed the clothes into the opened suitcase on the mattress.
“Look,” he said tensely, “if it wasn’t for you calling Matt and asking him where I was, then she probably wouldn’t have opened her ugly mouth in the first place.”
I shot him a strange look. “What does calling Matt have anything to do with Trudy?”
“Because he’s the one that called her! Asked her if she was spending time in bed with me, for fuck’s sake.”
I stared at him for a moment, the shirt in my hand half folded. What the hell did he just admit to me right now? My heart picked up pace.
“How do you even know he called her?” I demanded, feeling like I’d just caught him.
He sighed and shook his head. “Why the fuck do you have to think the worst in me? The reason I know isn’t because I was actually in her bed, Allie. It’s because she told me as I went into the building that night.”
“How convenient again that she’s there to tell you that,” I muttered under my breath, grabbing at another shirt to fold away.
“It wasn’t the first time,” he replied hesitantly. “I caught her drunk and passed out next to the elevators. I took her to her apartment –”
“What?” I cut in. “You took her to her apartment?!”
He gritted his teeth as he stared hard at me. “Allie, I didn’t fucking do anything! Don’t you dare give me that look like I did –”
“Well, you’re not entirely forthcoming with information anymore, Heath! So I think I’m entitled to give you any kind of look I want.”
He opened his mouth to say something, but he stopped himself and whipped away from me. Dragging his fingers through his hair, he hurried out of the room and left me alone. Usually, I’d take this time to calm down, but I felt too angry to look past everything. And now on top of everything else, I had to imagine him touching Trudy and taking her to her apartment. Really? How could I be understanding of my man taking a girl he’s bedded in this very fucking apartment to hers?
I was shaking with anger by the time he returned. His chest was rising and falling fast as he stopped beside me.
“We’ve taken this too far now,” he said. “Fighting isn’t us. Please, let’s drop it.”
“I’ll drop it when you tell me what’s going on,” I retorted.
“Allie, look at me.”
I didn’t.
“Allie, please.”
When I didn’t, he yanked the shirt from my hands and threw it on the mattress.
“Cut it out, Allie,” he angrily said. “I’m trying my fucking hardest here. Just look at me and let me try to help you understand.”
It took everything in me to bite my tongue. I crossed my arms and slowly turned to him. He was pissed, and he was clenching his jaw to steady his own temper. But at the same time, those eyes focused in on mine, and there was warmth and love there.
“You act like I don’t want to be open with you,” he s
aid softly. He moved to grab my hand but stopped himself. “I just… I wish you knew how wrong that was. I’m withholding information from you not because I want to, but because it’s for your own safety.”
Fear gripped me as I stared at him in confusion. “What are you talking about? Is anyone after you?”
“Yes and no.”
“What kind of answer is that?” My voice broke and I wiped away the tears that sprung to my eyes. “This is so unfair, Heath. It’s like I’m back there again with Ryker, but only it’s with you.”
His body tensed at his brother’s name. “This is nothing like Ryker. I am nothing like him.”
“Is whatever happening his fault? Do you owe more money? Are you selling drugs for the people he worked for?”
“Sort of to the first question and no to the others.”
Sort of?! What does that even mean?!
I shook. I was so freaking rattled, my knees buckled. I collapsed on the edge of the bed and stared at a random spot on the carpet.
“You said something to me once,” I whispered. “The day you killed Ricardo… you were in the shower with me and you said you realized you’re capable of doing things now. Is… Is what you’re doing as bad as… killing a man?” It was so hard pushing the words out of my mouth. I was terrified of the answer let alone asking it.
“I haven’t killed anybody else if that’s what you’re trying to get at,” he said quietly. “Not personally anyway.”
“Not personally,” I repeated, trying to understand what the hell that meant.
He sat down next to me, keeping a bit of distance between us. We were quiet for a short while, and I was spending that while trying to absorb everything he’d said.
“One day you’ll understand,” he finally said. “And you’ll look back at all of this, and it’ll make a lot more sense to you.”
One day.
That day felt like a long time away.
I tried to rationalize it as best as I could.
“And you know,” he added, leaning a little closer to my side, “that I would never look at another woman. You’re it for me.”
I sighed. “I didn’t mean all that. I know you wouldn’t be with another girl. But I was angry.”
“I know, Allie, and I completely get that.”
His arm wrapped around me then and he held me close to him, not saying a word. He kissed my shoulder and neck, always these places like he loved them the most. There was nothing sexual about it. It was purely affection, and I couldn’t help sinking into his frame. His forehead rested against the side of my head, and he closed his eyes for a while, breathing me in.
“I don’t want to be sappy,” he whispered, his voice straining like he was fighting back emotion. “But I can’t express to you how much you are a part of me, Allison. I can’t be without you.”
I swallowed hard and nodded a little. I couldn’t speak. I just stared at his reflection in the dresser mirror, watching how much he was fighting from within. He opened his mouth to say more, but he stopped himself, and it looked like it was hard for him to do that. I wondered if the truth of what he was keeping from me was at the tip of his tongue.
It was then I realized he truly did want to tell me. He just couldn’t. And not for selfish reasons, but because of the consequences. I was grasping from within to understand him. To be patient with him and wait when the time was right for him to open up. By being angry and withdrawn, I was pushing him away and he was scared of that. That’s why he was telling me this.
“I love you too,” I replied. “And… I trust you.”
The only way this was going to work was by trusting him.
He let out a heavy exhale, like my words had offered him solace. Saying them out loud felt good. He had never caused me to doubt his loyalty before this, and I had to admit this to myself to look past the hurt. I needed to focus on his good. By being positive, I hoped it would be enough to squander that itch in the back of my mind that was pleading for the truth.
Tell me, Heath. Please, for the love of God, just tell me.
Eleven
Allie
Heath returned at around midnight. Kayden was asleep in bed with me when I heard him walk through the door. It was our final night at the apartment, so his footsteps sounded extra loud in the empty space.
He walked into the dark bedroom, his stare directed straight at the window.
“Hey,” I said tiredly.
He put his finger to his mouth, signalling for me to stay quiet as he strode to the window and peered out through the blinds. Worried that something was wrong, I sat up. The mattress shifted as I did so, and Kayden stirred and let out a frustrated cry.
“Keep him quiet,” Heath demanded in a hushed voice.
I picked Kayden up and rocked him in my arms, watching Heath continue to stare out into the streets. He stood like that for minutes on end, turning his head back and forth as he looked up and down the road. He was extra cautious when a vehicle passed by.
“What’s happened?” I asked. I didn’t have it in me to stay quiet another moment longer. Kayden had drifted back to sleep but I kept him held to me in case I moved around again.
“Thought I saw people follow me,” he answered thoughtfully. “Saw a couple guys at the fight tonight, staring at me like I was some kind of target. They lingered around when I beat the guy and then jumped into their truck when I went into mine. They trailed me for a few streets and then I looped around and took back roads until I lost them. But… I mean, anyone can know where I live, right? This place is infested with nosey bastards.”
I didn’t reply. Jesus Christ, what was happening? I couldn’t take it anymore.
As if sensing my fear, he turned his face to me and solemnly said, “If they’re kicking around, you’re going straight to your Mom’s. There shouldn’t be anyone, though. I’ve been good. There’s no way someone’s been on my case. It’s not possible.”
I swallowed hard and leaned back against the headboard. My body shook at all the horrible possibilities. The fact he was followed scared the shit out of me. I looked down at Kayden in the dark and shook my head at him. What a fucking failure of a Mom I am, already putting him in this kind of danger. Had I dodged the Lawson brothers, I might have dodged all this bullshit too.
Kayden’s eyes opened and he let out a big yawn, and I blinked back tears at the thought of anyone hurting him.
“Maybe I should go,” I said, more to myself than him. “You say you’re trying to protect us, but it sounds like you’ve messed up somewhere along the way.”
He looked at me, his face breaking apart at the idea of me going. “Allie, that’s not possible. I haven’t messed up. I’ve been meticulous. There’s nothing to be scared about anyway. I’ve called Marko up and he’s on his way.”
“He got a phone?”
“Yeah, I made him get one.”
“How long ago did you call him?” I asked.
“About ten minutes ago,” he answered. “I scoped the building out before that. Fuckin’ Trudy’s passed out front again, but I left her alone. Besides that, there’s no suspicious activity.”
For a long while after that, we remained quiet. I fought to keep my eyes open as the fear of something happening drained away. But Heath still continued to look out, even when his back bent from exhaustion. He kept his gaze pinned to the streets like a hawk.
My eyes grew heavier, and Kayden finally stopped fussing in my arms. I continued holding him to me, drifting… drifting…
I needed sleep. I needed to escape reality. I needed to pretend we were still perfect.
Drifting… drifting…
A creak sounded out.
My eyes flipped open and I jerked awake. Heath wasn’t at the window anymore. I blinked hard and looked around the dark room, but my eyes hadn’t yet adjusted to my surroundings.
Another creak sounded, and this time my heart spiked.
“Get in the closet!” came Heath’s voice from the side of me.
My body
barely jumped to action when he grabbed my arm and pulled me off the bed. Disoriented, I nearly dropped Kayden, and when I realized that, I kept him tightly against my chest as I looked up at Heath.
He’d never been physically rough with me before, but he was now. He shoved me into the closet and closed it. His footsteps hastily retreated from me, and I stood still, terrified deep in my bones. Kayden let out a cry, and I slowly rocked him as I stared into the darkness.
I strained to listen to what was happening. I was so scared, I was nearing on the verge of tears. Minutes filled with tension passed by. My limbs ached and my lungs begged for more oxygen. I was too scared to breathe because I thought it made too much noise.
My hand lingered over the knob. I thought of opening the door over and over again. I tried to rationalize there was nothing going on and Heath had just heard things, but then why hadn’t he come back? I hesitated and deliberated, until finally my hand twisted the knob slowly and pushed it open. It made it barely a few inches when sudden creaks erupted.
I held my breath again, and then the creaks turned into footsteps, and footsteps turned into a sound that made my blood run cold.
Grunts and loud yelling. Something heavy landed on the floor and another person’s voice rang out.
“Get him the fuck down! Hurry, hurry!”
I put a hand to my mouth and stepped further back in the closet. My heart was going to explode out of my chest, I just knew it.
“Get the fuck off me!” Heath hollered, and by that point I was itching to get out, but trepidation ran through me, forcing me in one spot as more crashes erupted throughout the apartment.
Hasty footsteps neared, and using the crack in the closet to peer out, I just managed to make out a figure in a long trench coat sweeping into the room. He was a massive man, his face covered. He was holding a blade in one hand, stopping beside the foot of the bed to peer at it.
