What the Heart Knows

by Margaret Daley

  He stopped, spun about and plunged his hand through his hair.

  “Wrong? Not now. Dr. Martins says he should be okay if he stays on his medication. I should have seen this coming. I could have prevented this.”

  “Is that why you’re upset?” The calmness that had assisted her the evening before was firmly in place now.

  “Don’t you think I have a good reason for being upset? I’m a doctor. I know people start to feel better and decide to stop taking their medication. They don’t think they need it anymore. I should have warned you, watched for the signs. Mark shouldn’t have had this relapse.”

  Stunned by the vehement tone in his voice, Kathleen stared at Jared, her teeth digging into her bottom lip. While tending to Mark and making sure he got the care he needed, Jared had been composed, calm, professional. Now, however, he was as upset as though he personally blamed himself for everything that happened to Mark the past eighteen hours. She thought about how Jared’s wife’s death had taken a grave toll on him. She suspected he still blamed himself for what she had done to herself even though he hadn’t said anything about it in several months. In her happiness about his proposal she had pushed that to the back of her mind.

  “You aren’t Mark’s keeper. You weren’t at fault. I’m through trying to blame someone for my problems. It does no good and can certainly do a lot of harm.”

  His eyes clouded with an expression of agony. “I promised you I would help you. I should have seen it coming.”

  Kathleen closed the distance between them and took his hands within hers. “Why are you so hard on yourself?”

  “I’m a doctor,” he said, agitated, as though that would clarify everything.

  “And you are only human. We can’t see into the future. We can only do what we feel is our best at the moment.”

  “But I didn’t.” He pulled his hands from hers, his fingers delving into his hair as he backed away. “I’ve let you down and I’ve let Mark down.” He pivoted and left the waiting room.

  Kathleen watched Jared stride down the corridor toward the elevators. Chewing on her bottom lip, she wished she could wipe away his pain. She wasn’t sure she could. She wasn’t sure if anyone could—only Jared. And she didn’t think he was ready to do that. He was still wrestling with his guilt over his wife’s death. He still blamed himself for her drinking problem. How can I ask him to take on a problem like Mark’s?

  Her son’s illness was long-term and serious. She didn’t know when or if he would go into remission. She didn’t know when or if he would have another relapse. She did realize she would never knowingly add to Jared’s pain. He had taken care of his wife for years, dealing with her alcoholism, trying to make their marriage work, trying to give his children a good home, and the whole time feeling as though he had let his family down because he couldn’t fix his wife’s problem.

  Instead of going back to Mark’s room, Kathleen walked to the chapel doors and went inside. She needed to do some soul-searching. She loved Jared with all her heart, but she wasn’t sure that getting married to her was best for Jared.

  When her doorbell rang that evening, Kathleen drew in a deep, calming breath and headed to the entry hall to answer it. She knew it was Jared because she had asked him to come over. With a trembling hand, she reached out and touched the knob. Again she inhaled deeply, trying to ignore the throbbing ache in her heart.

  When she swung the door open, she forced a smile of greeting to her lips. “That was fast.”

  “I was on my way home when I received your call.”

  The haggard lines about his face ripped through the composure she was trying to maintain. Jared had been at the hospital most of the night before and probably hadn’t slept more than a few hours, if that. When he looked at her, she saw exhaustion in his face, but beneath that she glimpsed his anguish. He had become a doctor to save the world and when he couldn’t, he blamed himself.

  “Your call sounded urgent. Did something else happen to Mark?”

  “No, when I left him at the hospital, he was awake and doing okay. We need to talk.”

  He frowned, but didn’t say anything.

  “Let’s sit in the living room.” Kathleen desperately needed to sit before her legs gave out. Without waiting to see if Jared followed, she walked into the room and settled herself in a chair across from the couch. Distance was important to maintain for what she had to say to Jared.

  He slowly entered, stared at the large, empty sofa, then at her. He sat, clasping his hands together, his elbows resting on his thighs. “What do we need to talk about?” The question came out stiffly, each word laced with tension.

  Her heart beat frantically against her chest. Her composure was quickly slipping away. She crossed her legs then uncrossed them, the whisper of denim sounding loud in the sudden silence.

  Finally she realized the only way she could do this was to just do it. “Jared, I want to call off our engagement.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Jared blinked. “Why?” The question held an underlying tension that slowly fell over his features, too.

  “I don’t think this will work between us. I—” She glanced away from the intensity in his expression and searched for a way to explain her decision. Please, God, help me to make him understand.

  “What has changed since yesterday, Kathleen?” He straightened, nothing casual about his posture.

  She rose, needing to move, to put some space between them, before she gave in to her desire to be his wife. “I won’t be responsible for you feeling trapped in our marriage.”

  “Trapped?” He, too, stood but remained by the couch.

  “Yes. Mark’s relapse has made me realize that my son may always need more help than most children. I don’t want you to feel trapped because of Mark. I’ve seen what your marriage to Alice did to you. I couldn’t stand for that to happen to our marriage.”

  “That was a different situation. How can you compare the two?”

  “Is it so different? From the beginning you have used Mark’s illness as a personal crusade. You’ve been determined to find out what was wrong with him and fix it. Don’t tell me you don’t blame yourself for Mark’s relapse.”

  “I don’t—” Jared snapped his mouth closed, the line of his jaw forbidding.

  “That’s a burden I won’t be responsible for. I couldn’t stand by and see that happen. It would—” She halted, unable to tell him how much it would destroy her. She loved him too much to be a part of that. Tears blurred her vision. She turned away, trying to compose herself long enough to explain. She’d had a wonderful marriage with John. She knew what was possible, but not if her son came between them.

  She felt the drill of Jared’s gaze and slowly faced him, dragging in lungfuls of air. “Marriage is forever. I have to think of Mark. My son may have other relapses. He may not. I don’t know.” Her throat closed around the last words. Before she lost her nerve, she twisted the engagement ring off her finger and held it out to Jared.

  He stared at it for a long moment, his hands stiffening then flexing into a ball. Finally he snatched the ring and curled his fingers around it. “It doesn’t have to be like this.”

  “I saw how you reacted today. You can’t control everything. People will get ill. Luckily most will get well, but not everyone. You think you’re responsible for everyone in your life.”

  “That’s my job—to make people better.”

  “And what happens if you can’t? That’s what eats you up inside. You’re not God. You don’t control life and death. I won’t have you feeling responsible for Mark’s illness. I can’t do that to you. Mark needs me right now.”

  His eyes narrowed, the rigid set of his shoulders attesting to his anger. “And you don’t think I do?”

  She wanted to go to him and throw herself into his arms. She didn’t. It wouldn’t solve the problem. Mark would still be ill, and Jared would still feel he had to solve all of her son’s problems or else. She was afraid of the “or else.” She knew
in his heart he still hadn’t forgiven himself for his wife’s illness or her death.

  Jared slid the ring into his coat pocket, then strode toward the front door without another word. As he left, the door clicking shut reverberated through Kathleen’s mind. So final.

  She hugged her arms to her, a coldness burrowing into the marrow of her bones. Suddenly she wasn’t sure how she was going to make it without Jared’s support. The urge to go after him prodded her forward. She placed her hand on the door knob and started to turn it.

  No! It wouldn’t be fair to Jared. I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. I have my family. I have the Lord. I can do this. I have been doing it.

  Her hand slipped from the knob, and she pivoted away from the door. She would do what she had first come to Crystal Springs to accomplish: she would create a life for herself and Mark here. Her son’s illness didn’t change that.

  But as she climbed the stairs and walked down the hall, she felt empty inside. Entering her bedroom, she crossed to the night stand and retrieved her Bible. Inside its pages was the solace she needed. With trembling hands, she opened to the story of Ruth.

  Jared prowled his den, exhausted but too keyed up to sit and relax. Everyone was in bed, had been when he had finally arrived home. He should have gone to sleep hours ago, but all he could think about was his last meeting with Kathleen earlier that evening. Anger churned his stomach and stretched his patience. Frustrated, he pounded his fists into the back cushion of the wing chair.

  “Dad, what’s wrong?” Hannah asked.

  He whirled at the sound of his daughter’s voice. “You should be in bed,” he said in a rougher voice than he intended.

  Standing in the doorway in her pajamas, her hair messy, her brow wrinkled, his daughter blinked several times. “I wanted to know how Mark was. Kathleen said he would be coming home soon, but still—” Hannah stopped talking, her frown deepening. “Is something wrong with Mark?”

  “He’ll be okay. He should leave the hospital day after tomorrow.”

  “Then why were you punching the chair?” Hannah shuffled into the room, wearing her big furry bunny slippers.

  Jared stared at them for a moment, reminded that his daughter was still a young girl but at the same time growing into a young woman. And as she grew up and became more independent, he would lose control and influence in her life. That realization left an unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach.

  “Dad?”

  “Hannah, come over here and sit next to me. I have something I want to talk to you about.” Jared sat on the couch and waited until his daughter plopped down beside him before continuing, “I know you’ve been looking forward to Kathleen and Mark joining our family, but Kathleen and I aren’t engaged anymore.”

  Surprise widened her eyes. “Why not? You love her. She loves you. I know it. She told me.”

  “She did?”

  Hannah nodded.

  Pain pierced through his heart. “Sometimes it takes more than love to make a marriage work.”

  “Why?”

  That’s a good question. He put his arm around his daughter and drew her to him. Her presence comforted him and gave him the strength to try and explain. “Two people have to be able to live together. In fact, when two families merge, all the people have to be able to live together.”

  “We can do that. I know Mark is having problems, but Terry and I have discussed it. We can help him get better. That’s what families do.” She twisted so she could look up into Jared’s face. “When Mom died, you helped me and Terry. You’re good at that.”

  He was? He didn’t feel he was at the moment. He felt his life was unraveling, seam by seam. When his younger brother had drowned, he hadn’t been able to save him. He hadn’t been able to help Alice and now Kathleen was turning him away. Why couldn’t he control his life better than this? Why couldn’t he save the people who meant so much to him?

  Hannah yawned. “Dad, I love you. You’re the best.”

  He gave her a hug, his throat tight with feelings he wished he could contain and place into a nice little box to be pulled out at his command. He had become quite good at that with Alice, but Kathleen had changed all that. His emotions lay bare before the world—before her. “I think a certain young lady is sleepy and needs to go back to bed.” Kissing the top of her head, he rose and helped his daughter to her feet. “We’ll talk some more tomorrow.”

  At the door to the den Hannah glanced back. “Talk with Kathleen. We can live as one family.”

  He wanted to tell his daughter it wasn’t him that had backed out of the engagement, that he wasn’t the one who had the problem. But the words clogged in his throat and in his heart he wondered if they were true. He eased down onto the couch, rested his head on the back cushion and stared at the white ceiling.

  Was Kathleen right? God had given him a powerful talent to help people who were hurting and sick, but He had the ultimate control over who lived and died. Not him. Could he truly accept that and make peace with his past?

  When the door to Mark’s hospital room opened, Kathleen looked toward the person entering. Jared. Her breath caught in her throat and her pulse quickened. She’d hoped not to see him for a while. She needed time to get her emotions under control, to lock her love for him away in the dark recesses of her heart.

  Jared stopped on the other side of her son’s bed. “How are you doing today, Mark?”

  “Okay. I don’t know what—” Mark’s voice faded and he stared down at the white sheet, plucking at it. “Thanks for helping me.”

  “Anytime. I heard you would be leaving here tomorrow.”

  Mark nodded, his head still bent forward.

  “I need to borrow your mom for the afternoon. Is that okay with you? I brought your aunt Laura to keep you company.”

  Mark lifted his gaze to Jared’s. A silent message passed between them that Kathleen wasn’t quite sure of. Male bonding?

  “Sure.”

  When Jared rounded the end of the bed, Kathleen frowned. “I do believe I have a say in this. I don’t like being the last person in on a secret.”

  Jared moved into her personal space and took her hand. “You need to work on your control issues. I’ve certainly had to lately.”

  His gaze pinned her down, his words held her immobile.

  “Mom, you should go with Jared. Aunt Laura will be here.”

  The door opened, and her sister came into the room with a smug expression on her face. Kathleen wanted to scream in frustration.

  “I’m here and Mom’s gonna come up later. Now leave me alone with my favorite nephew,” Laura said, gesturing for both Jared and Kathleen to go.

  “I’m your only nephew.”

  “That doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be my favorite if I had twenty nephews.”

  “But that would mean I had twenty brothers!”

  Jared tugged on Kathleen’s hand. “Let’s go and let them work it out.”

  There was a part of her that desperately needed to stay, to protect her heart, but for some insane reason her legs began to move and she soon discovered herself outside her son’s room and being led out to Jared’s car.

  Settled in the passenger’s seat, Kathleen finally found her voice. “Where are you taking me? Better yet, why are you here? I thought I made myself perfectly clear last night.”

  “You did. But I didn’t. It’s my turn to talk.”

  Kathleen crossed her arms over her chest. “Then talk so I can go back inside before my sister has my son convinced I need to have more children.”

  “Would that be so bad?”

  Kathleen’s mouth dropped open. Quickly she snapped it close and fumbled for the handle.

  “I think I deserve the courtesy of you hearing me out. Please stay.”

  She sighed and released her grip on the door handle. “Okay but make it quick.” Before I lose my resolve and fling myself at you.

  He started the car.

  Panic bolted through Kathleen. “Where are we g
oing?”

  “It’s a surprise.”

  He tossed her a crooked grin that flipped her stomach. Her resolve began to slip. “But—”

  “Please, Kathleen.”

  The appeal in his expression tore down all her defenses. She nodded and turned her gaze away from his to peer out the side window.

  Twenty minutes later her panic had a firm grip on her. Jared pulled into the parking lot at the marina where he kept his sailboat. She remembered her first official date with Jared and how wonderful the day had been sailing on the lake.

  “Jared, don’t you think it would be better for both of us if we don’t go—”

  He held up his hand to stop her flow of words. “Bear with me on this.”

  “But nothing has changed since last night.”

  “Everything has changed, Kathleen.” He pushed open his door, then came around to assist her from the car.

  When she stood, her legs trembled. With her gaze glued on the beautiful thirty-foot sailboat, she followed Jared down the pier. The light breeze off the water carried the scent of fall in the air. Trees with orange, red and yellow leaves lined the shore. A tern flew overhead, its call vying with the sound of the waves lapping against the various craft.

  Jared hopped on board, then offered her his hand to help her onto the sailboat. For a few seconds she hesitated. Once she stepped on the boat, she would have committed herself to staying to the end and hearing what he had to say. Could she afford to? She wanted desperately to be his wife, but she wouldn’t put him into a situation such as he had had with his first marriage. She wanted a partner, not a caregiver.

  With a deep breath of the crisp fall air, she placed her hand within his and descended onto the cushioned seat that ringed the back of the craft. His intense gaze captured hers.

  “It won’t take me long to get under way.”

  She touched his arm to stop him from turning away. The second her hand clasped his she knew the action had been a mistake. She didn’t want to let go.