I loved our little routine. I knew my sisters would think it was far too rigid, but it suited Clara. I liked her to be calm before bedtime and this way she was. I kissed her beautiful little face and fought back tears. Watching her sleeping, I felt a wave of emotion. I couldn’t believe I had her. I couldn’t believe I was a mother. I couldn’t believe I had so nearly let this pass me by. I had never wanted children, but then when I got pregnant so suddenly and had Clara, my life had changed. I felt so lucky. Clara was everything to me.
I went back to Jess, who was playing some noisy game on her phone.
‘Do you want a drink or something to eat?’ I asked.
She barely looked up. ‘No, thanks.’
‘OK. Well, do you want to watch TV?’ Anything would be better than that annoying game.
‘No, I’m fine.’
Her phone rang. ‘Dad?’ she said.
It was obviously Jack. I went into the kitchen to make myself a herbal tea and let her chat to her father in private. But then I heard her scream. I ran back into the lounge.
‘What’s wrong?’ I went over to her.
Jess kept saying, ‘No way, no way,’ but she was smiling. Seeing me, she said, ‘Pippa’s pregnant! Isn’t that awesome?’
What? It was a disaster. This would kill Sophie. It was one thing that Jack had a much younger girlfriend, but now a baby? Sophie would die when she heard.
‘I am so happy, Dad … Over five months already? She doesn’t even have a bump. It’s brilliant news,’ Jess said. ‘OK, see you tomorrow. ’Bye.’ Jess hung up, her cheeks flushed with excitement. ‘I can’t believe it! I’m going to have a little brother or sister!’
‘It’s very exciting.’ I tried to be enthusiastic, but all I could think about was Sophie’s reaction.
‘If it’s a girl and she looks like Pippa, she’ll be so stunning.’
‘You’re pretty stunning yourself, just like your mum,’ I reminded her. Jess was like a mini-Sophie – blonde hair, blue eyes, tall and lean. She was a very pretty girl. Her front teeth stuck out, which she was very conscious of, but braces would sort that out.
‘Pippa’s so beautiful – she’s like a supermodel.’
‘Your mum was even more stunning when she was Pippa’s age,’ I said, wanting to make Jess see how gorgeous her mum was. I knew Jess’s Pippa-worship was hard for Sophie. ‘Sophie was the top model of her day.’
Jess shrugged. ‘That was ages ago. Mum’s old now.’
Ouch! Thank God Sophie hadn’t heard that cutting comment. It was sad because, as a little girl, Jess had adored Sophie. They’d been the best of friends. But lately I’d noticed a distance between them. Pippa’s arrival had definitely caused problems.
Maybe it was just growing up. Maybe when girls hit nine, they no longer thought their mothers were so great. If I was honest, I’d never had my own mother on a pedestal. I’d never felt she understood me. I wondered if all kids were like that. Would Clara suddenly go from thinking I was wonderful to just being her ‘old mum’?
While Jess rang all her friends to tell them the good news, I ran into my bedroom to call Julie.
‘Hi.’
‘Pippa’s pregnant,’ I blurted.
‘What?’ She sounded as shocked as I felt. ‘Oh, God, poor Sophie.’
‘She doesn’t know yet.’
‘Oh, Louise, this is a disaster. It’ll destroy Sophie.’
‘We’ll have to support her. It’s going to be really hard for her.’
‘How did you find out before her?’
‘Jess is here and Jack just called her. Sophie’s at a work thing. She’s on her way back now.’
‘You have to tell her before Jess does. Call her now.’
‘I don’t want to tell her over the phone. I’ll wait for her outside my front door and tell her then. It’ll give her a few minutes to process it before she sees Jess.’
‘Bring your makeup bag. She’ll be upset.’
‘Poor Sophie, she doesn’t need this.’
‘She certainly doesn’t. Her confidence is already rock-bottom. Now, Louise, make sure you tell her gently. Don’t blurt it out.’
‘I won’t.’ I wished they’d all stop telling me I was blunt.
‘Oh, God, poor, poor Sophie.’
‘I’d better go.’
‘Good luck. Don’t forget the makeup, and go easy.’
‘I will!’
‘Call me later. I’ll be waiting by the phone.’
‘OK.’
I hung up, picked up my makeup bag and hovered by the front door until I heard Sophie’s footsteps.
‘Hi,’ I said cheerily. I was determined not to get it wrong. I needed to be subtle. I’d already hurt Sophie with my bluntness. But the bottom line was that Pippa was pregnant and there weren’t too many ways of saying it.
‘Is everything OK? Is Jess all right?’
‘Everything is totally fine. Jess is inside watching TV.’
‘OK, so why are you standing outside your front door with a makeup bag, looking very suspicious?’
‘I need to tell you something and it’s not a good thing.’
Sophie frowned. ‘What is it?’
‘It’s something that will affect your life for … well … kind of for ever, I guess.’
‘Jesus, Louise, what is it?’
‘It’s to do with Pippa.’
‘Just spit it out.’ Sophie was getting angry.
I raised my hands in surrender. ‘Pippa’s pregnant.’
Sophie recoiled as if she’d been shot. ‘What did you say?’
‘I’m sorry, Sophie, but Pippa’s pregnant.’
Her hand flew to her mouth. ‘Oh, no … no … no … Oh, God, no.’
I went over to steady her. She pushed me away. ‘How do you know?’
‘Jack just called Jess.’
‘How did she take it? Is she upset?’
I hesitated and decided not to tell her that Jess was over the moon about it. ‘Not really. She seems OK about it. She’s fine, honestly.’
Sophie sank into a ball on the floor. ‘Why is Jack doing this? Why now? What’s the rush? Why so soon? He’s got it all now. A whole new life. And I’ve got … nothing …’ She began to weep.
Sophie was falling apart and I needed her to keep it together for Jess. ‘Sophie.’ I grabbed her shoulders, pulled her up and shook her. ‘You don’t have nothing. You have Jess and your family, your job and lots of things. Now you need to pull yourself together. Don’t let Jess see you like this. Sophie? Come on now.’
I shook her harder. ‘Sophie, think about Jess. You can fall apart later when she’s asleep. I’ll call you, we can talk about it all night, but right now I need you to calm down and focus.’
Sophie took a few deep breaths and allowed me to put makeup on her blotchy face. I did my best, and when we went in to get Jess, she looked almost normal.
We needn’t have worried. Jess barely glanced at her mother. She was still busy calling her friends to tell them the ‘great’ news.
I squeezed Sophie’s hand. ‘Hang in there.’
She nodded, shoulders slumped, staring straight ahead. Shattered.
9
Sophie
Jess stuffed her pink Stars and Stripes hoodie into her weekend bag. ‘I’m so excited to see Pippa. I wonder if her tummy is bigger. Can you believe she’s five and a half months pregnant and still only has a tiny little bump you can hardly see?’
‘I’m sure it’ll be huge by the end,’ I replied.
‘She has such an amazing figure. She looks incredible pregnant.’
I counted to ten. Since Louise had told me about Pippa’s pregnancy, I had been trying not to snap at Jess. That night, when I’d picked her up from Louise’s, I had only just managed to get home and get her to bed before I locked myself into the bathroom and cried for two hours. It had hit me like a steam train. Pregnant!
I knew how happy Jack would be. He’d always wanted more children but I had said no. I’d fallen apart
after Jess was born and ended up on anti-depressants. I was too frightened to go through that again. I knew it would be worse the second time. Jack would have put the same pressure on me when the new baby was born as he had after Jess’s arrival. He hadn’t liked coming home from work and finding me still in my pyjamas, breastfeeding. He’d wanted his wife back. He’d made it clear that I had to look and act like the old Sophie. So, I had lost weight, taken happy pills and forced myself to play the perfect wife. Jack was content and, eventually, so was I. But I’d known I couldn’t do it again. The strain was too much.
And now here he was, with a younger model. I wondered if he’d make the same demands of Pippa that he had of me. After we’d lost everything, I’d told him about the anti-depressants and how terrible he’d made me feel as a new mother. He was full of remorse and said he’d had no idea, that he’d thought he was ‘helping me to snap out of it’. He had never meant to hurt me, just wanted life to go back to ‘normal’. He’d never tried to push me: he thought I needed some encouragement, that was all. Perhaps he’d go easy on Pippa. Maybe after hearing what I’d been through, he’d be more sensitive and kind. Pippa might get the new improved Jack.
But, regardless, I knew he’d be thrilled to become a father again. I’d bet my life that Pippa would give him the son he wanted. Of course she would: she was perfect Pippa. But the part that hurt most was that I knew Jack was gone now. He had a new life and a new family. I’d sent him a text to say congratulations: I couldn’t face talking to him about it. He’d sent one back: Tks, we are over the moon.
Jack didn’t use expressions like ‘over the moon’. He was cynical and sarcastic … and yet … He sounded like a boy in love. Over the moon. It was such a happy expression. It made me feel old and tired and sad. I hadn’t felt ‘over the moon’ about anything in years.
The other issue was Jess. She was so excited. She talked about it non-stop and told everyone she met about her new baby sister or brother. One of the mums in her school had congratulated me on my ‘great news’. It was mortifying. I’d had to explain that it was Jess’s dad’s girlfriend. The poor woman went bright red, apologized and scurried off.
The baby would be in my life for ever because Jack was in my life for ever. Jess would come back and tell me how cute her sibling was, what an amazing mother Pippa was and how happy Jack was and … Oh, God, I couldn’t bear it.
‘Come on, Mum. I need to go now. I want to see Pippa and have some fun.’
I drove her to Jack’s penthouse apartment. I let her go in by herself. I wasn’t ready to face Jack and I definitely wasn’t ready to face his happy pregnant girlfriend. The way I was feeling right now, I might just punch her in the face.
Jess ran into the lift without a backward glance. I longed for the days when she’d hugged me, telling me she loved me and that I was the ‘bestest mummy in the whole world’. They seemed very far away.
Louise and Julie had arranged to take me out for dinner to discuss ‘the news’ and cheer me up. I spent ages getting ready. I thought if I looked better I’d feel better. But no amount of makeup could conceal the black circles under my eyes or the crows’ feet that were always much more pronounced after a few sleepless nights.
In the entrance to the Garden restaurant I bumped into Daniella. She was one of Victoria’s best friends, someone I’d been friendly with and seen a lot of in the heydays of my past. She looked amazing.
‘Hi,’ I said, much more enthusiastically than I felt. Daniella had dumped me almost as quickly as Victoria had.
‘Oh, my gosh, Sophie!’ she said, looking me up and down. I knew she was taking in my high-street outfit, just like I was looking at (and lusting after) her Prada dress. I’d seen it in Vogue.
‘You look great,’ I said. And she really did. Her skin was smooth and line-free – clearly the work of a good dermatologist. But it was her boobs that caught my eye. They were up and proud. I couldn’t take my eyes off them, they were so perky and round, like a twenty-year-old’s.
She giggled. ‘I can see you’re looking at my birthday present from Ken. Aren’t they fabulous?’
‘They are,’ I had to admit. It was the best boob job I’d seen. They were bigger, but not too big. They made her waist look smaller and generally gave her whole figure a lift.
‘Hodgson in the Manor Park Clinic did them. He’s the best,’ she said. ‘Honestly, Sophie, they’ve given my whole life a lift, no pun intended.’ She giggled again.
‘Wow,’ I said. ‘He’s certainly got the gift. You look fabulous.’
She tilted her head to one side. ‘And how are you? I heard about Jack and Pippa’s pregnancy. It must be hard. You look tired and stressed. Are you OK?’
Her fake concern made my blood boil. This was a woman who had sent me exactly one text after my life had fallen apart: Sry to hear things bad. Thinking of you. And that had been it. She had never phoned to ask how I was or invited me out for coffee or lunch, nothing. And now she was pretending she gave a damn about Pippa’s pregnancy solely because she wanted to get my reaction so she’d have some gossip for Victoria and her other shallow friends.
I smiled brightly. ‘It’s wonderful news. Jess is thrilled about it. I’m not stressed at all. I’m just incredibly busy working, building up my business and being a single mum to Jess. I must dash.’ With that I turned on my non-designer heels and went to join my sisters.
Julie handed me a glass of wine before I’d even sat down. I took a big sip.
‘Thanks,’ I said, putting my handbag on the floor. ‘I needed that.’
‘You’ve had a rotten few weeks.’ Julie took my hand.
‘How’re you doing?’ Louise patted my shoulder.
Tears sprang into my eyes. ‘Stop! Seriously, don’t be nice to me or I’ll end up crying again. I don’t want that wench Daniella to see me upset. Say something funny.’
‘Mum thinks Gavin is working as a gigolo,’ Louise said.
‘WHAT?’ I started laughing.
‘Very effective.’ Julie winked at Louise.
‘Tell me everything,’ I begged. I wanted all the lurid details.
Louise distracted me with the story of Mum calling into Gavin in the shop and dragging him out. We all fell about laughing. It was a tonic. Julie kept our glasses topped up and I felt the tension and upset begin to lift.
After our main course, I saw Daniella leaving the restaurant. She waved. ‘Did you notice her boobs?’ I asked my sisters.
‘They look so fake,’ Louise said.
‘They’re very obvious,’ Julie agreed.
‘I think they’re great,’ I said, glancing down at my own saggy ones.
‘She has no movement in her face and her boobs are up around her neck. It’s pathetic.’ Louise was not a fan of plastic surgery.
‘You look so much better than her,’ Julie said. ‘You’re naturally gorgeous.’
‘Thanks, Julie, but I look twenty years older than her. I know you guys think she looks fake, but I don’t.’
‘Forget about her. She’s a waste of space,’ Louise said. ‘Let’s talk about you. How are you doing?’
Julie poured us another glass of wine. I took a sip. ‘To be honest, I’m shocked at how difficult I’m finding it. I just completely fell apart when Jess told me. Not in front of her, thankfully. When I’m on my own I can’t stop crying.’
Julie’s eyes filled with tears. Whenever anyone was upset, Julie always cried too. ‘Oh, Sophie!’ She hugged me. I wept into her shoulder.
Louise handed me a tissue. I dried my eyes. ‘Sorry, I’m a mess.’
‘It’s really hard on you.’
‘I just can’t get over how thrilled Jess is, and Jack sounds ecstatic. I just keep thinking my family is gone now. Even though we were separated, we were still united by Jess. Jack and I had got to a good place and we even had brunch together as a family some weekends. But then Pippa arrived on the scene and it all changed, and now Jack is going to be consumed with his new family and Jess is part of it but I’
m not. It’s completely separate from me. Jess is going to have this whole family life without me and it’s killing me.’ Being able to express the emotions that I had been feeling was such a relief. I could be completely honest with my sisters. They were my lifeline.
‘But Jess will always be your daughter and she’ll always love you,’ Julie said.
‘But it’s different, Julie. Since Pippa arrived, Jess wants to be with them all the time. Pippa is so much “fun” and I’m boring. It really hurts.’
‘And now she’ll be even more wrapped up in Pippa and her new brother or sister,’ Louise said.
‘Exactly. I feel like I’m being dumped again. It’s as if Jess is divorcing me too.’
‘If it’s any consolation,’ Julie said, ‘the triplets have no interest in being with me. I’m only useful for food or transport. I miss being needed. I miss being important in their lives.’
‘But isn’t it nice to have a break after all the years of non-stop chaos?’ Louise wondered.
Julie fiddled with her napkin. ‘I thought it would be, but I miss it. I feel kind of useless now.’
‘Julie, you need to enjoy it. You’ve earned a break,’ Louise said.
‘I know what Julie means,’ I said. ‘I can see that part of this change is that Jess is nearly ten and children do become more independent and need you less. But it’s her worship of Pippa that really bothers me, and I just know she’s going to want to be with Jack and his family unit instead of alone with me.’
‘You’ll have to find common ground,’ Louise said.
‘What do you mean?’
‘You need to find something that Jess likes to do and do it with her. Whether it’s dance classes or cycling or ice-skating. Whatever it is, you need to have a link. It’s like Clara and birds. I’m not particularly interested in birds – to be honest, I find them quite dull – but I’m reading up on them now so we can bond over it. Her interest is becoming my interest.’
‘I’d better brush up on football statistics and fart jokes then.’ Julie sighed.
The Secrets Sisters Keep: A heartwarming, funny and emotional novel (The Devlin Sisters Book 2) Page 9
