by Lisa Ferrari
“That’s true.”
“Look, Claire, no one is making you do this. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.”
“I do want to. The thought of being in a movie with you, for us to do it together… That would be freakin awesome.”
Kellan laughs. “I agree. The secret is not to let it freak you out. Not to get psyched out and nervous.”
“How do you keep from doing that?”
“By realizing two things: first, that this is really not that big of a deal, and that if it happens, great, and if it doesn’t happen, that’s also fine because life will go on and there will be other opportunities down the road. Maybe even better opportunities. You know how many times I wanted to do something and it didn’t work out but then later another far better opportunity presented itself that I wanted even more, and I wouldn’t have been able to do it if I’d gotten the first one? A lot.”
“Okay. So what’s the second thing?”
“The second thing is to view the opportunity in the proper context. View it as something fun. Not something scary. Something fun that is going to be a blast. Like going to Disneyland together. Or flying to Hawaii for two weeks. Would you be nervous and freaked out about doing either of those two things?”
“No.”
“How would you feel?”
“Excited. Horny.”
Kellan laughs. “Exactly. Me too. So think of it like that. We’ll take a nice airplane ride down to L.A., just like we did last time.”
“First Class?”
“Of course. We’ll take a ride to their office, and we’ll all have some refreshments and a chat and then you and I will read the scene together, just like we did in the club the first time.”
“Can we climb on the table?”
“Sure. We’ll play it by ear and feel it out and see how it goes. If they like it, great. If not, they’ll give us notes on changes or adjustments, and we’ll do our best. That’s all we can do and that’s all we need to do. And you know what the most important thing is?”
“What?”
“To have fun! To enjoy it. And to think of it relative to your quote-unquote normal life.”
“What do you mean?”
“Normal life is stuff like driving to work and sitting in traffic and carrying trays and doing laundry and putting gas in your car, right?”
“Right.”
“So compare all of that to going to Paramount-freakin-Pictures and auditioning for a major motion picture. How awesome is that?”
“It’s totally awesome. But oh, God, now I’m nervous again. As soon as you said major motion picture I wanted to throw up.”
“That’s because you’re back to looking at it in the wrong context. You’re looking at it in terms of lots of money and hundreds of employees and costume people and thousands of special effects artists and wealthy producers taking a huge gamble by putting a hundred million dollars into a movie that is riding entirely on your shoulders. Right?”
I can feel the barf rising in my throat. “Yeah.”
“But see, that’s not what’s happening. We’re just going down to say hi to Rami and Aaron and meet some of their friends and show all of them what we showed Rami and Aaron at the club. Remember how much they loved what we did?”
“Yeah.”
Kellan stands up from his enormous throne-like desk chair and comes and puts his hands on my hips.
“And remember how much fun it was?”
“I remember.” And I do. I remember staring into his eyes, taking the leap, knowing I’d be with him.
“It’ll be just like that all over again. You just focus on me, okay? And I’ll focus on you, and we’ll do our best. It’ll be fun. And besides, there’s a chance that this movie won’t get made.”
I’m suddenly crestfallen and terrified on a new level. “Really? Why not?”
“Because it’s a lot of money. It’s a big investment. They have to get the right actors at the right time with the right script and everyone has to feel confident that they’re making a good movie that will make money. A lot of factors have to come together just perfectly at the right time. So it’s insanely premature to start thinking about red carpet premieres and press tours and going on Conan O’Brien.”
“You really think we could go on Conan?”
“Sure.”
“That would be awesome. My parents would crap their pants. So would Beth. And everyone at work. Denise, too!” And Stacy McTitties I want to add but don’t.
“Success is the best revenge. But until it happens, don’t say anything. Not to your parents, not to your sister, not even to Denise.”
“Why not?”
“Because if it doesn’t work out, they’ll be all like, ‘See, Claire bear, I told you you couldn’t do that.’ Wait and see what happens. If it does work out and we actually get cast in the movie and the movie actually gets a green light and gets made, and it’s actually a good movie, then you can sit back and enjoy the victory. Just remember what Arnold said: ‘Work hard in silence. Let your success make the noise.’ But for now, look at it in small, bite-size little chunks. We fly to L.A. We say hey to Rami and Aaron and their friends. We read the lines. That’s it. After that, it’s out of our hands. There’s nothing else we can do so we’ll just enjoy the experience and be happy and upbeat and positive and let the chips fall where they may.”
“And what about my body?”
“I love your body.”
“Thank you. But it’s not exactly leading-lady, action-superstar, movie-star quality. Remember how Demi Moore looked in G.I. Jane? Or how Jessica Biel looked in Stealth? Did you see her ass?”
“I saw it. She looked good. You’re right. She is known for her physique. But she herself has said that she’s always been a bit of a tomboy, so that kind of stuff comes naturally to her. She also trains her butt off and diets hard.”
“So what about me?”
“You’re also training your butt off and dieting hard. Look, you already look great, much improved over how you looked a couple months ago. Right?”
“Right.”
“Remember at the lake how impressed Denise was?”
“Yeah.”
“And remember at cars-and-coffee how impressed Debbie Diamond was?”
“Yeah.”
“So I’m sure Rami and Aaron will notice your improvements, too. We’ll put you in some flattering attire that accentuates your strong points and shifts focus away from the areas you’re still working on. Plus, it’s going to be at least another six months or even a year before they start shooting. Imagine what you can do in another six to twelve months.”
I take a moment to imagine it. At the rate I’m going, if I keep doing what Kellan tells me to do, and the results keep coming the way they have been, I could look amazing. Like, as good as Stacy. Maybe even better. Maybe. “I could look like Stacy.”
“Better.”
I’d barely dared to hope so. Now Kellan has said as much. “Really? How? She looks incredible. She competes. Plus, she’s got, like, a three-year head start on me.”
“True. She looks good and she’s done quite a few shows and she’s usually top five, usually even top three, and she does have a head start on you. But she’s also close to her maximum potential. Whatever improvements she makes in the future will be incremental. You’re just starting out so your body is fresh. Your muscles are fresh. You have a long way to go but you also get to go a long way. Plus, you have better genetics.”
“I do?” I can’t fathom how this could possibly be true.
“Totally.”
“How? I mean, what do you base that on? How can you look at her and then look at me and say I have better genetics?”
“I can look at your bodies and make value judgements based on commonly-accepted aesthetics.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I can look at you and see who looks better. Who is taller. Who has smaller joints and deeper, fuller muscle bellies. Who has a narrower waist and a better V-tape
r. Who has better calves. Who has better glutes. Who has better conditioning.”
“But she’s way, way ahead of me in all those things. Like, light-years ahead.”
Kellan laughs. “You just need a little more time and to keep doing what you’re doing, losing a couple pounds a week.”
“You really think I can catch her?”
“Absolutely. Stay focused, train hard, eat right. That’s the biggie: eat right. Eat clean. Don’t skip meals and get hungry and eat junk. Avoid sugar like it’s the plague. Keep your insulin down to keep the fatburning furnace cranked up. As time goes by, we’ll see what you’ve got. Another few months. As your body composition changes and your body-fat percentage decreases, we’ll be able to see more of what areas you have that are well-developed and what areas we need to double-down on. But from what I’ve already seen, you’re going to be looking good.”
“Really?”
“Really. I mean, you already look good. I hope you know that I think you’re gorgeous and very sexy. But you’ve expressed interest in getting in shape and I am here to support you in that for as long as you want to pursue it. It’s like bringing a camera lens into focus. Or like taking a cover off a sports car. Everyone has a Lamborghini Aventador or a Corvette Stingray inside them but they never do the work required to take the cover off and see the unique, one-of-a-kind piece of art underneath. I took my cover off. Stacy took her cover off. You’re in the process of taking yours off. Millions of other people have taken theirs off. But millions of other people never will because they don’t know how or they’re afraid or whatever. Hundreds of millions. Billions. They’re content with being average, I guess. Which is fine. Being fit isn’t for everyone. But being average isn’t as much fun. I can tell you that.”
I don’t say it, but I can attest to that. I do a quick comparison between Claire six months ago and Claire right now.
Claire six months ago was going to work and visiting Denise and my mom and dad, and mostly sitting around doing a whole lot of nothing.
Claire right now is riding around in sexy cars and flying First Class and eating better and training hard and losing 25 pounds and, most importantly, spending time with, and let’s be honest, falling head over heels truly, madly, deeply, and irrevocably in love with, Kellan Kearns. I already know that he is and will forever be the love of my life.
Chapter 12
WE DRIVE THE Stingray to the airport and park in the parking garage. We relax in the first class lounge and enjoy the buffet. It’s barely six a.m. so it’s a breakfast buffet. The scrambled eggs are fluffy and the fruit is fresh. Kellan skips the hash browns and toast and country potatoes, so I do as well.
The flight is all-too-brief, barely an hour. Being in First Class makes me want to fly transcontinental or even transatlantic. Or even transpacific. Isn’t it 17 hours to Japan? Seventeen hours in First Class would be like 17 hours in a restaurant-slash-spa.
Kellan makes me eat a ready-meal of chicken and asparagus while we read our sides during the flight. It’s the same scene as before, where we’re standing on the cliff, surrounded by alien predators trying to kill us. There are also two other scenes, one where we’re at home before leaving for our fateful trip, plus another where we’re arguing over money. I don’t like that scene. Kellan and I have only ever had one argument and I don’t like to think about it, nor do I care to relive it.
When we land, a huge man in a black suit is holding a tablet at LAX. Our names are on the screen: KEARNS/VALENTINE. He introduces himself as Ray, our driver. He explains that he’s going to drive us to the office. He’s huge. Taller than Kellan. Certainly heavier. And not all fat.
I turn to Kellan. “The office? I thought we were going to the hotel first. I wanted to change and freshen up. Remember?” Kellan and I made a quick trip to my place last night on our way home from Iron Palace. We rifled through my entire closet and settled on a jacket and skirt I wore to my interview with Nancy and then never wore again.
“Right,” says Kellan. “I forgot, Aaron texted me this morning to ask if we could come earlier, straight from the airport. I forgot to tell you. I’m sorry.”
I look down at my Iron Born tee shirt and torn blue jeans. “I’m not sure I should show up in a tee shirt and torn jeans.”
“You look damn good in that tee shirt and those torn jeans,” says Kellan.
“Yeah, you do,” says Ray. When Kellan and I both look at him, he says, “Oh. Sorry. But you look fine. Really. Besides, Aaron and Rami and Sheila won’t care. They’re cool.”
“What about all that stuff you said about maximizing my strong points and minimizing my weak points?”
“That tee shirt definitely maximizes your strong points. It makes your shoulders and arms look good, and it’s form fitting. And the holes in the jeans show your nice tanned legs. I think you’ll be fine.”
“But I wanted to look professional.”
“I know. But casual is okay, too. Look at me.”
Look at him indeed. He’s wearing black jeans and a light-blue v-neck sweater with the sleeves pushed up, showing the veins in his forearms. God he looks good. Ray opens the door for us on the shiny black Escalade and we get in; I consider going down on Kellan while we drive. But it’s not like we’re in a limousine with one of those motorized partition things separating us from the driver. But, tonight, at the hotel, he’s all mine.
ABOUT 30 MINUTES later, I just about poop my pants when I see the Hollywood sign. The big white letters are perched on the green and brown hillside, overlooking the city.
Wow.
I mean… wow.
So much history.
So much promise.
So much loaded, terrifying yet thrilling potential.
And I’m right in the middle of it.
Ray comments that he drove us up a street named Gower so we could see the sign. He explains that when it was first built, back in the 40s or whenever, it was to advertise a new housing development called Hollywoodland. But the L, the A, the N, and the D fell down or were taken down or something. Filmmakers came here from back east due to the nice weather. Thus Hollywood was born and the mythos grew up along with the city and the industry.
Ray says he’s an actor, too. Driving is his day job. I tell him maybe he can be one of the monsters in this movie we’re auditioning for. Ray says he would love that. I make a mental note to mention it to Rami or Aaron.
Ray guides us onto the Paramount Pictures lot, through the gold gates and to the offices of Rami and Aaron and Sheila.
I’m already star-struck. Being on the lot is surreal. I see massive cream-colored buildings with curved rooves. They look like airplane hangars. Kellan says they’re sound stages for shooting.
The whole SUV rocks when Ray gets out and opens our door.
“Good luck with your meeting,” Ray says. He points to my tee shirt. “I love G-O-T. I auditioned for Hodor but didn’t get it. I wanted to read for The Mountain, too, but they said I wasn’t big enough.”
This blows my mind. All I can manage to say is, “Thanks.”
Ray leads us inside, where Aaron and Rami are waiting. We all shake hands and they both hug me and kiss my cheek. It’s weird and feels overly-friendly and I wonder if it’s all fake showbiz crap.
Kellan compliments their new offices. They explain that they’ve got a one-year housekeeping deal with Paramount, so they get to have their offices on the lot and Paramount gets first crack at their projects, after which they’re free to shop them around if Paramount passes.
“But they’re hot on this picture,” says Rami. “So keep your fingers crossed.”
Rami introduces us to a bunch of other people, most of whom are nice but seem very busy. Some of them promptly leave or skirt back into their office and immediately get on the phone.
But the vibe is indeed very casual, just as Kellan and Ray said it would be, and it puts me at least somewhat at ease.
Sheila is super sweet and I like her right away. She’s attractive, 40ish, but not
overly glammed-up. She seems like a down-to-earth person.
“How was your flight?” Sheila asks.
“Fine,” I reply. “First Class, so I’d best not complain.”
Sheila looks at Kellan. “First Class?”
“She’s worth it,” Kellan replies.
Sheila leans close to me but says loud enough for Kellan to hear, “He’s a keeper.”
“Tell me about it.” I think I can feel my face flush.
“And he’s even bigger than the last time I saw him, which was what, Kellan, about a year ago at Rami’s house?”
“That’s right,” says Kellan.
Sheila surveys me up and down. “And you… you’re lovely. I think this could work. Heather, come meet Claire.”
Heather is a bubbly redhead. Sheila introduces her as the Casting Director. We shake. I note that Heather is eating a ready-meal in the same black container Kellan and I use.
Heather sees me eyeing her food. “You’ll have to forgive me. My coach makes me eat every three hours.”
“Mine, too,” I say. “I had one of those on the plane. That looks like salmon, broccoli, and Basmati.”
“That’s exactly what it is,” says Heather.
“Who’s your coach?” I ask.
Heather punches Kellan in the shoulder. “This guy.” Heather shakes her hand. “Ow.”
Kellan says, “Heather is one of my online training clients.”
“I am, too,” says Sheila.
“Me three,” says Aaron.
“Me four,” calls out someone from inside their office.
I turn to Kellan. “You’re training half the company?”
“Something like that.”
“That’s great,” I say, “but I don’t want to get this part because you guys are all friends with Kellan. I want to get it because I earned it and because I’m the best person for the role.”
“Spoken like a true actor,” says Sheila. She leans close to Kellan, but says loud enough for me to hear, “She’s a keeper.”
This time I most definitely feel my face turn red.
Sheila sees me blushing and hugs me. “And so modest. How adorable. Come on, sweetie, follow me.” She takes me by the arm and leads me to a nice sitting area with four big black leather sofas all facing a big coffee table. The whole area is surrounded by desks, most of which are occupied by a person simultaneously talking on a phone, typing on their laptop, and swiping on their smart phone. I guess this is how movies are made. This and whatever goes on inside those big sound stages.
